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WTF...everytime I turn around

kaikicking's picture

So Dh informs that his children will be performing at church Easter Sunday and he would like to go. He said there is a 8 o'clock service and a 10 o'clock service. I informed him I am not interested in him (I am not allowed to go because he kids so say). I told him if he wants to see hiskids dance then great but I am not beat for him to stay for the whole service and have Easter service with his exwife and kids..that is bs. yes darling skids are 14 and 20. Then he had the aidacity to tell me I don't want him to see his kids. I am really hurt and feeling attacked by him. Am I wrong? Should they all go to church as a family together?


Onefootout's picture

Can you clarify? His kids say you are not allowed to attend? And does he have to sit with BM? can he just go and sit separately? I would tell him I support him 100% on attending by himself. Maybe in consideration for your feelings he could sit separately from BM. But I wouldn't demand it.

Be glad you're not invited and I would recommend doing something fun for yourself while DH is attending.

Onefootout's picture

Okay I changed my mind, yes I agree it's okay to demand he stay separate from BM. I don't know what I was thinking.

But if you are not welcome by the kids I would not recommend going. You'll only be dissed again. I wouldn't give them the opportunity. I thi k the best defense against mean skids is to show they don't affect you, even if they really do. Hard to do I know.

LONGTIME SM's picture

You know if you show up sitting with your husband the teen and adult step will realize that they do not have the right to make these demands in a place open to the public which most churches are. Once they realize this and realize that you do not have to abide by their silly rules I think the invitations will dwindle especially if they have no control over the quest list. Continue showing up anytime they invite your h to a public place. These grown and almost grown steps do not get to decide where or when you may attend functions as a husband and wife team.

Hopefully you have your husbands backing on this otherwise your problem is more difficult as he would then appear to place the steps feelings over his new marriage. If that is the case find a good counselor well versed in step families to set him straight as soon as possible before this gets further out of hand.

kaikicking's picture

I am okay with him going and I don't want to go and pretend I am not that person. He can go see his kids dance and that is it. It would be different if the ex wasn't still fantasizing about their life together.

fedup13's picture

I understand where you are coming from. I don't like skid, cant stand BM, am disengaged from both, so I would most certainly not go and pretend like I want to be there when it is the last place I want to be. I would not tell DH he could not go, but there is no reason why he would have to sit with BM or interact with her at all. In your situation, it is not like the kids are small, where they would be running back and forth between them, your DH can go, watch, say hi to the kids, and leave.

oneoffour's picture

What kind of church has 14-20 yr olds dancing at an Easter service?
Doers he still attend the church? Can he attend the service and then come home to your Easter celebrations> Do you have anything planned?

If this is a regular Easter tradition for him I would say "Honey, go and see your girls dance. But lunch will be ready at 11 o'clock. And at sometime you will need to talk to your girls about excluding me form your life. This is about accepting me as your partner in public. If this is more than you can give then my job is to be your housekeeper and bed warmer and little else."

If this is a once-er I would say "So, why is this so different from every other year? You don't even go to their church. If you want to go, you go. However I would like you to understand I am running out of hiding places from your ex and your daughters and community in your life. Either I am in or out. Your partner or your ex."

new to this's picture

Kids say "I am not ALLOWED" to go!!!!! I would be sitting on the front pew or hell would freeze over!!!

RedWingsFan's picture

^^^Yep Smile }:)

Anon2009's picture

I think this is bad.

Your dh is really responsible for this. He allows them to get away with this. If you truly don't want to go, don't, but don't go because its what YOU want, not what they want.

Your dh needs to have a chat with them (with you present) to let them know that this isn't going to fly anymore. If they don't invite you he won't be going either. They'll either not invite either of you to anything anymore or realize that they want dad there and having him in their lives is more important than hating you. They may not come to like you at all but they'll know that Dad is a person, not a toy to play tug of war with you over. And they'll also have more clarity in terms of figuring out how they want others, including Dad, to treat THEIR SOs/spouses. I think this is something Dad needs to talk about with the 20 year old. I can guarantee you she wouldn't like it if Dad or any other relative tried to exclude her SO from things like this.

And quote some bible verses to them about treating others with respect and how that's what Jesus wants us to do.

Your DHs doing this can do a lot for his kids. It can do what I said above in terms of helping them figure out how they want him and others to treat their SOs/DHs, it can help them learn to get along with people they don't like (a good life skill) and it can give them more of an incentive to get to know you, so maybe they can see that you are not out to destroy them or their relationships with their dad.

Gitana's picture

No you should not condone his going there with the ex. And ps they are no longer a family, you are his family and he should recognize that.

Cocoa's picture

i would say you don't want to go because your dh has carved you out of his family, essentially making you into his mistress. if it's uncomfortable for you to be there (because skids and bm don't like you), don't go. but under no circumstances is he to stay for Easter services with his "family". you need to have a serious conversation with him telling him that if he does this that you are done. yes, deliver that ultimatum. and, honey this is just the tip of the iceburg if he's never stood up to bm and skids before. you have a very long road to haul. i feel for you.

StepDoormat's picture

If my skids told DH I wasn't welcome somewhere, he wouldn't go. Period. He's already said he would miss his kids' weddings if they pulled that shit.