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SD20 apologizes (sort of) after CPS incident - Need some advice

Justwantsomepeace's picture

Sorry this is long

So after SD20 tried to get DH arrested for incident with SD15 (see previous blog) we told her that she we were no longer paying for her to go to college (15K a year). She has barely spoken to DH in the month since and the two times she has spoken to him he initiated it and she spent the entire conversation complaining about how stressed she was about money and she couldn't pay her phone bill (DHs parents have been paying $100/month for it since she went to college a year and half ago which they have now stopped).

So three weeks ago, DH talked to her in person and confronted her about how she's treated me for the last three years. To her I am the devil. She tells lies about me and what I've "done" to her. For years, she has gone to my in-laws and told them that I've done/said horrible things to her like cussing her out, telling her she had to ask permission to stay at our house, etc. None of which I've done. I've never done or said anything to her that wasn't in her best interests. I've yelled at her 1 time in the four years I've known her. She was yelling at me and I told her to BITE ME. She has turned that into I said F*ck You and to this day, believes that is what I said to her. She said she's going to kick my ass and basically that we're abusing SD15 and SS14 and she's going to take them away from us (this the person who can't pay their own phone bill). So after this conversation she tells DH that she's going to apologize to me and I should expect an email by Sunday (3 weeks ago). It finally came this week. This is the email word for word:

"I don't want to start out apologizing because I know actions speak louder than words. The more and more I think about it I HATE what I've done and I wish more than anything I could take back the things I said. Most of them were out of anger and weren't meant the way they might have been taken, but non the less, they were still hurtful. Honestly, you don't deserve any of this and its finally hit me that I'm so embarrassed that I've been the one contributing that I don't think I deserve a chance to apologize. I was raised better than that and in the past few weeks I've realized that there are underlying issues that I need to take care of and I've handled those issues in the completely wrong way. I think everyone in life has to have that person to blame for things and unfortunately you were mine. To me it was hard to let someone come into my life so easily and change things, but now I know that sometimes things change for the better. I know a lot of times I haven't acknowledged the fact that you do care about me and that it was just as hard for you to walk in as it was for us to let you in. You married us, not just daddy and for me to treat you the way I have isn't fair to you at all. I hope that soon we'll be able to get together and talk as a family because I miss all of you so much and it kills me every day to know that people are unhappy with my actions as well as I am. I've been seeing a therapist at school and it's helped me realize a lot of things. I hope things will get better and I'm trying my best to take responsibility for my actions because well, it's time to grow up and realize that I can't always say what I want and get away with it. I love you, I really do and I hope you know that. Sometimes I don't feel like I show it enough because I'm blessed to have two people that care about me as much as you and daddy do and I appreciate everything that you guys have done for me. I hope things get better and I hope you can find someway to forgive me."

So, the first thing I notice about this, is that she doesn't say I'm sorry. Just that she was angry and people misinterpreted what she said. This girl is a habitual liar, and has lied to us about everything. She told us she was seeing a therapist at school last year also, and it was a lie. She is showing a lot of the characteristics of BPD (which her mother has). Almost everything in this email is regurgitated from the things that DH said to her, none of it is original thought.

What do I do from here? I don't believe she's sorry, I think she misses the gravy train. I have to respond, but how? She hasn't acknowledged that she has tortured me for years, stolen from me, destroyed my things, lied to me and about me, participated in day long rants with BM about me in front of SD15 and SS14 who live with us. I think she honestly thinks that this makes everything OK and all is forgiven.

Comments

Justwantsomepeace's picture

That's my problem. It "sounds" good, but I've heard it all before. If she had written about how she just doesn't like me that much and doesn't want to have a relationship I would believe it. I have a hard time believing that she all the sudden changed her mind after years and I'm OK after all. Ugh.

majka's picture

Don’t believe a word of it, and don't invite her back into your life, you will regret it. She has a trail of offenses that she has caused you, and something like that does not go away. She is missing the money and the good life that she used to have, that is it.

Anytime you are thinking of backing down, look back to your own words "She hasn't acknowledged that she has tortured me for years, stolen from me, destroyed my things, lied to me and about me, participated in day long rants with BM about me in front of SD15 and SS14 who live with us."

Also, remember what she tried to do to your husband, which should be enough fuel to attempt to protect yourself from this toxic individual.

If you really just want peace like your name says, this is the first step to achieving that dream. Good luck!

skylarksms's picture

I guess this is one of those instances where I would hope for the best but prepare for the worst...

I don't have any other advice for you. Sorry.

Jsmom's picture

Do not trust her. She may have BPD and they turn on a dime. My MIL has it and I have been her victim. Won't open myself up to that again...it is awful.

She definitely misses the money and is probably worrying about her next tuition bill. Do not give in. Hell she called the school and the police got involved, I wouldn't let her back in my house. As for SD15 how is that going with her? You should look at those boot camps, they are supposed to work wonders.

Problem with the email, your DH will see this as an attempt at peace. He may give in. Depends on how humiliated he was with the police at his door.

Justwantsomepeace's picture

Thanks everyone for your input. My problem is that I agree with all of you! My gut says "never speak to her again" and "protect myself". My brain says "do what's right for the whole family", but I don't know what that is. Nothing will change until she deals with her own issues that really have nothing to do with me. But, what's best for DH, other Skids, ILs, etc? Everybody just wants it to be OK. So do I, but it isn't.

LS1988 - Your response was great, and in the end my reply will probably have the same tone/approach. And you're right, I have to be very careful not to be the "bad guy" here. I'm so tired of being the whipping boy for the entire family. Oh, and I forgot to say that my MIL apologized to me (sincere and for real) for believing the things SD20 has said about me over the years which has really affected our relationship. We live next door to them so it has been VERY uncomfortable. The only good thing about all of this is that I've finally been proven right. Nobody wanted to believe their precious angel could do these things, now they do.

SD15 is doing better. No phone/internet and not having school for 4 days right after this happened helped to get her head screwed on right. She's apologized, but doesn't really have a grasp on how big a deal this is and all of the ramifications of what she's done. We're trying our best to understand all of this from a 15 yo perspective. I don't yet trust her, or have faith that it won't happen again, but we're working on it.

JMC's picture

Her email sounds like something my SD19 would say to me only she actually does apologize, albeit insincerely. Problem is she's said those same words again and again only to revert right back to her old ways as soon as she gets what she wants.

Since you've obviously heard this song before too, I'd be very cautious. I would respond to her email though, maybe something like ls1988 suggested because if you ignore it, she'll use it against you by saying that she tried to apologize but you won't listen.

Listen to your instincts - if it sounds fake and you've heard it all before, it probably isn't sincere this time around either. She's missing the money tree.

hismineandours's picture

I too would be short and sweet "I got your email. Thanks!" and leave it at that. I understand your feeling-years worth of crap cannot be washed away with a vague apology and her stating that she is working on herself. If my ss apologized to me today (and he's only 12) I would never in a million years believe him as he has spent years lying to me. If his behavior toward me drastically and consistently changed I would consider that an apology and do my best to be open to that.

simifan's picture

I'd send a simple response, thanks for the e-mail. I look forward to seeing the actions that will speak louder than words.