Why does this bother me???
I keep hearing this same question from my BF every time we have the disagreement and I'm still not quite sure myself. I can only grasp at possibilities of why this bugs me, but not 100% sure. My BF and I do not live together. I won't move in for multiple reasons, the majority of them being the kids. SS10 and SS12.
Over the years, BFs visitation has gotten more frequent as he now works from home and when I agreed to date him 4 years ago, it was done under the premise that he had the kids eowe and shared time on major holidays. I would have never dated him if I knew he had the kids as much as he does now. Him and his ex do not have a CO, just work it out themselves and of course whenever she asks or the kids ask to stay, he always says yes. Now that summer is here and the kids are too old for daycare, BF has kind of become the "built in babysitter". It's "oh the poooorrrrr children", "they can't be expected to stay home by themselves when they can be with meeeeeee". So all this additional time that BF now has the kids bugs the crap out of me! His response is always "why does it bother you? They don't really affect our plans and they don't bug us/me when I am there", but I can't figure out whether its 1) the fact that BF and I just have different views on "poor, poor, pitiful children" and that kind of thinking just goes against my personal beliefs or if 2) I see it as affecting our future as while he gives into whatever the kids and his ex want, our relationship will never move forward from where it is now, or 3) I told him once that I don't like the person he becomes when the kids are there. He is always trying to overcompensate, please them, wait on them hand and foot and baby them. I guess it could be a combination of all 3, but I go back and forth between really wondering if I want to be in a relationship with someone so dedicated to his kids as he did NOT portray this when we first got together (never even volunteered that he had kids for the first few dates that we had and for the first year always acted like the kids and his visitations were more of a responsibility instead of something that he looked forward to ) or if I am overreacting and just need to let him do his own thing when he wants and I'll not even let it bother me. Of course the latter choice just makes me feel lonely and disconnected.
I will add a disclaimer here that I am in now way saying that he should not see his kids or spend time with them, but the fact that he is a pushover when it comes to the kids and his ex truly affects me and I'm not sure it should...or how to get past it. I suggested previously that they put together a custodial agreement and stick to it as it would make everyone happy, but he refused.
I know that most people here live with their BF/ DHs from what I have seen. But does anyone else that lives apart have these same issues, or does anyone have any advice or help to get over these issues that just gnaw at my mind? Thanks