You are here

Why does this bother me???

justthegirlfriend13's picture

I keep hearing this same question from my BF every time we have the disagreement and I'm still not quite sure myself. I can only grasp at possibilities of why this bugs me, but not 100% sure. My BF and I do not live together. I won't move in for multiple reasons, the majority of them being the kids. SS10 and SS12.

Over the years, BFs visitation has gotten more frequent as he now works from home and when I agreed to date him 4 years ago, it was done under the premise that he had the kids eowe and shared time on major holidays. I would have never dated him if I knew he had the kids as much as he does now. Him and his ex do not have a CO, just work it out themselves and of course whenever she asks or the kids ask to stay, he always says yes. Now that summer is here and the kids are too old for daycare, BF has kind of become the "built in babysitter". It's "oh the poooorrrrr children", "they can't be expected to stay home by themselves when they can be with meeeeeee". So all this additional time that BF now has the kids bugs the crap out of me! His response is always "why does it bother you? They don't really affect our plans and they don't bug us/me when I am there", but I can't figure out whether its 1) the fact that BF and I just have different views on "poor, poor, pitiful children" and that kind of thinking just goes against my personal beliefs or if 2) I see it as affecting our future as while he gives into whatever the kids and his ex want, our relationship will never move forward from where it is now, or 3) I told him once that I don't like the person he becomes when the kids are there. He is always trying to overcompensate, please them, wait on them hand and foot and baby them. I guess it could be a combination of all 3, but I go back and forth between really wondering if I want to be in a relationship with someone so dedicated to his kids as he did NOT portray this when we first got together (never even volunteered that he had kids for the first few dates that we had and for the first year always acted like the kids and his visitations were more of a responsibility instead of something that he looked forward to ) or if I am overreacting and just need to let him do his own thing when he wants and I'll not even let it bother me. Of course the latter choice just makes me feel lonely and disconnected.

I will add a disclaimer here that I am in now way saying that he should not see his kids or spend time with them, but the fact that he is a pushover when it comes to the kids and his ex truly affects me and I'm not sure it should...or how to get past it. I suggested previously that they put together a custodial agreement and stick to it as it would make everyone happy, but he refused.

I know that most people here live with their BF/ DHs from what I have seen. But does anyone else that lives apart have these same issues, or does anyone have any advice or help to get over these issues that just gnaw at my mind? Thanks


Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

Perhaps you are at a point where you really have to decide if this relationship is for you? I think all of us at one point were at that point and some of us probably wish we had made a different decision.

Shaman29's picture

Here's the thing, it really sounds like you're not interested in being with a man that has kids.

I didn't see anything in your post that indicated there are any issues between your BF and his ex. They both seem to like the situation as it is. He doesn't see a problem with it and in his mind, he gets to spend a lot of time with his kids.

I would take some time away from the situation and reevaluate your commitment to this man and if you're ready to spend the rest of your life with someone that puts his kids first. I'm not saying what he's doing is right or wrong, it just how it is. You stated he's not interested in a hard and fast CO. I think you have your answer.

If you want to stay with him, then you'll have to accept the fact this is how things are going to be.

Or you can end the relationship, take some time for yourself and at some point you will find the perfect person for you.

Based on your post, I don't feel this man is the right one for you. Maybe for someone else, but not for you.

justthegirlfriend13's picture

Thanks for the replies. I would certainly expect that if something major was to happen where BM could not care for the kids anymore due to a severe illness, hospitalization, jail, etc. then BF would have to stand up and take them, but the case here is voluntary and not because he has to, but because he wants to...or feels guilty like he has to.

BF does certainly put me first a lot of times and even when he does have the kids, we still make plans to go out and do things as the kids are old enough to stay home by themselves for a few hours here and there, but he doesn't put me first in the fact that he is choosing to spend more and more time with the kids instead of have me move in with him and move our relationship forward. He has flat out refused to compromise on visitation and time that we could both be happy with. I guess he just doesn't see the benefit and has the best of both worlds right now where he gets to do what he wants and see me when he has time, whereas I am the one that is usually feeling alone and disconnected because of the lack of time that we do spend together.

I know I have plenty of decisions to make and have gone back and forth in my mind whether to leave or not, but it's hard to leave when I do see him putting forth an effort to make me a priority, just not a big enough one I guess. Maybe my standards are too high, dunno but I just feel stuck.

P.S. I'm also in my 40s now and despite there being "a lot of fish in the sea", a large majority of men in my age range already have kids or baggage as well.

Shaman29's picture

You don't seem enthralled with your situation. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be with someone and miserable.

Plus.....eventually you'll start resenting the skids. Sad

JAMS2011's picture

Not ready for kids?

It is possible that you just aren't ready for kids at this time in your life which, guess what, IS PERFECTLY FINE! You don't have to stay with him you don't have to date him. I see plenty of great guys everyday who don't have kids. Perhaps the reason he has change is now that he is dating you and he really cares about you he is getting more into the "settling down and having a family" stage of his life. It is a compliment but it is also a lot of responsibility. If it isn't what you want right now then it doesn't make you a bad person if you walk away. If anything it will benefit the kids for you to do so instead of competing for their dad.