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Older stepdaughter to older step Mom

Justlittleoleme's picture

Submitted by Justlittleoleme on Wed, 10/02/2019 - 10:06pm

My daughter or step daughter came into my life only after my husband and I married. They do not have a good relationship. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband for 17 years. Two years ago out of the blue she decided to move several states and brought her family (husband and our grandson) to our neighborhood. They moved with no money, no nothing. So we put them up, bought a house for them to rent from us....some days I am a Mamma she has always wanted, most days I am the evil step mother who took her Daddy from her.  She only wants her Dad when she needs something, mostly money. 

My questions are, I am 60 yers old, no children of my own, how do I communicate with her. I spend a lot of time teaching her manners. She quit school at 16 years and a few yeaellater had a child. Married 10 years later. I mentally fight with never wanting children to anting to learn how to mentor her in a motherly way the best way I can. I need help from other stepmoms who have older stepchildren and are older themselves. Any help is appreciated.

 

Comments

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 10/03/2019 - 7:31am

most days I am the evil step mother who took her Daddy from her.  She only wants her Dad when she needs something, mostly money. 

My advice is don't waste your time trying to mentor or mother her. You will just get hurt in the end and it's truly not worth it.

The best thing that you AND your husband can do is to not let her take advantage of the both of you. Don't let her use the kid as leverage and don't give her money.

If she wants a relationship, money should not be the foundation.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 10/03/2019 - 7:36am

It's too late to try and mentor a grown woman. Even if you'd tried when she was much, much younger it would have been a waste of time - she believes you stole her daddy from her ... 

Let it go and enjoy your life the way you like it. Life's too short to waste it. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 10/03/2019 - 8:15am

I think you need to accept that she is a grown woman.  She likely does not appreciate the mentoring/teaching manners.  I would cultivate a friendly "surface level" relationship with your husband's daughter.  

I would refrain from advice or mentorin unless she absolutely and expressly requests your help.  Even if you think she wants that advice.. be careful.. it can often lead to hard feelings if she is hurt by your truths.

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Submitted by SacrificialLamb on Thu, 10/03/2019 - 8:52am

My OSD44 thinks I stole her daddy too. There is nothing you can do for these women. No matter the nice things I did for her, it did not matter. I now have not seen her in 4 years and it has been wonderful. I don't need to be involved with my DH's relationship with his daughter.

Your situation is a little more complex since your SD is renting a house you and your DH purchased. I would completely disengage from her, do not offer her advice that she won't appreciate.  Treat her like a tenant of a rental property, which from your perspective is exactly what she is. Better yet, let your DH handle all the communication pertaining to the house rental.  Your DH may balk but tell him that SD does not appreciate you being in her life and it's best for everyone if you are involved less.