And if she does show up will she immediately leave for MIL & SIL?

If she's at your house be polite but help with nothing.

Tell him to get his balls from BM's purse when he picks up SD.  For sure, she does not get to visit with the ILs.  He is taking time away from you and the sick LO to "see" SD, she can park her happy ass on daddy's hip until BM comes to get  her.

This shit has to stop.  Period. Dot.

Time for daddy to live some hell until he repossesses his testicles, finishes puberty, and becomes an actual man.

smh

I cannot understand how and why so many in blended families who bring failed family baggage actively refuse to put that baggage in its place and keep it there.  Even more, I do not understand how and why their new mate tolerates it.  New kids suffer because of it, marriages suffer because of it, even the baggage spawn suffer because of it.  The X that needs to suffer rarely appears to experience any consequences.

Get thee to the best lawyer and find that online CS calculator and call his bluff with facts and money talk. You can't just throw out the D word and sweep it under the rug.     
 

As for SD, a little foot and hand illness to share with BM might be fun.   

Damn. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. If he is serious about the divorce, at least you won't have to deal with the DH/SD/BM/MIL circle jerk anymore. That would drive anyone crazy, those 4 making plans and leaving me out. ETA he has been trying to please all of you, and not treating you as his life-partner. BM and MIL (working together no less) have had too much power in your household. It's those two who have been the problem all along, and DH giving them more influence than he should. 

Honestly the whole situation is and has always been dysfunctional. I can't see this working out in the long run, and even if you manage to stay together, I foresee years and years of frustration on your part every time she comes around. 

yet it's not your weekend to get her and you are driving 4 hours one way next weekend to see her! I said if MIL wants to get her is she dropping her back off? ( probably not) I said you have a visitation schedule for a reason and his reply was "ok but that doesn't mean there can't be exceptions " 
 

Disneyland parents are THE WORST at setting structure, being indecisive, catering to the whims of their kids at the cost of peaceful marital/home life, and making last minute plans that inconvenience everyone but soothe their fragile egos. 
 

Ladies - if you are wondering if those skids are touching down .... assume they are (especially if you deal with Disneydads who operate on whims, spontaneity, and ego) or DEMAND a solid answer about visitation so you won't be disappointed, annoyed, etc. 

My now ex used to pull these stunts all the mfing time. Drove me up the wall and out of the house.  I got so much PTSD from the dysfunctional Disneyland parenting style that I absolutely refuse to ever live with a man with dependents again. 

Sending him the CS calculator, changing the locks, consulting with attorneys near by.   The reason they throw out the D word is bc in THEIR mind, they are doing YOU a favor by being married to them!   Show him its no favor but a BURDEN!

Let him go stay with his mom for a few days - that might wake him up.

I have so many thoughts about this... what a self centered ball-less inconsiderate prick!!!!!

Him assuming you'll be okay solo with a sick kid so he can cater to SD?! The fact that he would just take off like that and not even coordinate with you? Seriously... you might consider leaving him... what a piece of shit. 

He's going to miss Easter with his young kids to play family with MIL and SD.... all while leaving you with a sick toddler? FUCK. HIM. I'm livid for you!!!!!

Thinking about this more.... your DS is in a step situation with you and your ex, right? Minimal issues im guessing. YOU KNOW how to do it right. What he's doing is not right.

Hon, you will never be happy with this man. As it is, having to endure his selfishness, his disloyalty, and his unwillingness to treat his children equally, is too much for any woman to bear. He is a complete mama’s boy and those types seldom change. Worse still, he has no conception of compromise.

As dragonfly mentioned, leaving you to tend to a sick toddler over the Easter holiday as well as the numerous other responsibilities that seem to invariably land on your lap, while he dances attendance on his oldest child (when it is not even his week!), is tantamount to abuse.

Speaking of abuse, I recall earlier posts wherein you state that your husband is unjustly harsh to the son that you brought to the marriage. The hypocrisy of his expecting everyone to cater to his daughter, when he is unnecessarily cruel to your eldest, is a major flaw in his character. It is damned stressful, being in a habitual state of rage and resentment, and I can’t imagine how you'd feel otherwise, in such a one-sided relationship!

Has this "man" even gotten a real damn job yet that helps support the family... or are you still doing the most financial support?

Is his momma gonna support his broke ass? Will she be paying you child support? SMDH

When he goes to work,  either take SD with him or drop her off somewhere.  Better still take the car and go somewhere with the baby. Even if it means sitting in a parking lot .so baby doesn't have yo get out of the car. Bring something for baby to do.  Just get out of the house ,, 

Real talk, if you don't want to jump straight to divorce since you have young kids, i would suggest marriage counseling with your main complaint being the influence of MIL and BM in your marriage. The SD is secondary at this point because it looks like MIL is using SD as a means of control. "It's for the CHILD!" Um, no. The CO spells all that out. Who knows, BM might have wanted a weekend off and enlisted MIL to push for this. SD acts the way she does because of the toxic influence of BM and MIL (and also due to your DH's weakness.) If DH is not willing to try, though, he can go stew in the toxic mess of his mother and BM. TBH, your DH was raised by this toxic woman, so he may be beyond hope. Dysfunction is a family curse passed down through generations. 

Gosh I thought I had it bad pre crisis talks. My partner would never arrange for his kids to come outside of scheduled time without a conversation with me. More over, hand foot and mouth is so contagious that's reason enough for her not to come. Take his divorce offer! 

So he packed. Is he gone? Does he need a kick in the pants or three to get his arse out the door? I'm sure I'm not the only one here who'd be happy to lace up her Harleys (or any pair of beeyotch boots) and help him out. 

He apologized last night but it's just not good enough for me. I cried prettt much all night because I was so hurt by all this . I was hurt by what his mom said and I was hurt more importantly by him, also that yet again I am the fall guy . I tried to talk to him today about how hurt I was and just express my feelings to him and he made excuses for him mother, said I overthink things and that I should not care what she says. I told him what all you guys on here were saying that his mom needs to step out of our marriage and stop put HER ideas on how he should live in his head. He didn't agree and kept just basically putting it back on him and didn't really seem to care that I was hurt.
 

Perhaps try one last go with a therapist (like someone mentioned since y'all do have kids together) 

Yeah I could see where you'd be dissatisfied with his apology if he's dismissive of your feelings and minimizing his mother and his behavior. 

I really hope he comes to his senses very soon (and went temporarily out of his mind because his mother manipulated him) if he wants to keep you alls marriage 

See where you stand.  He has no where to go.  So he doesn't want to leave.  Him leaving doesn't improve his relationship with his DD.  It actually makes it worst. DD has no bedroom in a apartment he can afford.  She doesn't was=bt to come over an look at four walls. He doesn't niw give DD enough attention, that why she goes to MIL.  SD is playing everyone against everyone else 

When they realize they've painted themselves into a corner.

I agree w/ the other members here, that wasn't an apology. it was bullshite to shut you up. An apology would have been short and sweet and not turned around to make you the bad guy and him and his mommy the victims. 

I'm coming into this late, but the way my jaw was hanging open while reading this entire debacle. No. Nope. The NERVE, of DH AND that B of a MIL. First of all, letting a 14yr old dictate a custody agreement is just asking for anarchy, especially from a distance of 3hrs away. And he has meetings during that time anyway?? And sure you can ignore what his dumb box of a mom says, but the point is he should be defending you. Nothing you did warranted throwing out the D word. I am SO angry and hurt for you, especially when he is taking zero accountability and putting it all on you. 

It really does seem that unless he is willing to go to counseling, and even then it would need to be not kicking and screaming, that it would be hard to move forward...even though he is apparently packed. Make sure your ducks are in a row, contact a lawyer....He can enjoy his time living with his mom, having SD14 and MIL dictate his life by their whims...let's see how happy he is with that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, no one wants to go through another divorce (if it comes to that), but no one also wants to live life being unappy, and there is no shame in being happy. 

He played the D card. Go through with it.  File first, get him our to the house. Rekey the locks, move the money, sell what you can, set yourself up for success as much as possible and get on with living your best life.  That can't happen with him. He has shown you that. Believe him and eleminate any risk of this continuing.

Take care of you.