Reconsidering...
So it's been a while since I've had anything to blog about. Naturally that stems from the simple fact that I hadn't seen my fiancé's son in over a week. Last weekend we were out of town. I've been thinking a lot about the potential issues he may have dealing with loss and having a mother figure on the home. I'm trying really hard to be sensitive to his needs while at the same time remaining focused on my needs within this relationship. Long story short I feel like I was on constant alert this weekend. He goes through great lengths to be by me and it drives me crazy. This weekend I went through equal lengths to put some distance between us. It was exhausting. I hate having to constantly maneuver myself so his father is between is. I practically started a game of musical chairs this weekend. Every time my fiancee got up his son would move right over to me and put his hand on my leg. I would get up under the pretext of needing to do something. By the time I got back my fiancee would be back and his son would be in the middle. So I would sit on another couch before long his son would be over by me again. How do I tell my fiancee that I need space from his son? I feel horrible for feeling this way but I can't help it. I also hate that my fiancé's son just waltzes into the bedroom sits on the bed and listens to our conversation then buts in and dominates the conversation. Whatever happened to telling kids that adults need their privacy, not to interrupt and to knock before entering a room? It feels like an invasion of our private space but my fiance doesn't mind. I know it all comes back to the bond between him and his son. A bond that I do not share. I don't want to live my life feeling like this. What if my feelings never change? I don't want to be stuck in a marriage that is dominated by the needs of his son. I even asked him this weekend if his parents ever made it a point to put their marriage first. My parents did. They went out alone once a week and made it clear their bedroom was their private space. Sounds kind of harsh but it also made it crystal clear that their bedroom was not a communal space. It belonged to them only. He said his parents never did and seemed to think it was a silly idea. He didn't really understand why parents would "do that" to their children. Now I'm worried that this issue will drive us apart, not only concerning his son but the children we plan to have together. I need him to put us and our relationship first. The kids will grow up, get their on lives and move away. Don't we need to be on the same page in regards to that before entering marriage together? This weekend we had tickets to the circus and once again my fiancé tried to sit his son in the middle of us. I don't want to be stuck sitting by his son. I want adult conversation with my fiancé. Isn't it enough that I went with him and his son? He wants to create this instant family and I'm reaching the end of my rope. His expectations of me and our relationship are not realistic. I'm sorry his wife died but he can't replace her with me. His son can be his priority but my priorities are different. I'm crying as I write this, I just want to quit. Help?
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Juanita
It sounds to me like you already know what it is that you want/need to do…if you are looking for support in making that decision, to leave, you have my support 100%...it doesn’t sound like this is a situation that best suits your needs at this time in your life and given the fact that he has already lost his mother, it is going to be a very big responsibility for you to be his stepmom, especially since he obviously feels drawn to you…it will likely be damaging down the line if you choose to leave (largely due to him…though I know you’d never tell him that) a lot less damaging then if you bowed out gracefully now…keep me posted regarding what you decide…
Make a GREAT Day!
Hi Juanita, I am new to the
Hi Juanita, I am new to the site and do not know anything about you.
How long have you and your fiance been together?
I do agree with Nise in the fact that this situation does not seem to fit the needs that you have as a person. You desire children but do not desire for them to consume every minute of your day. Some people devote all their time to their children and are left with no relationship with their spouse when they have grown and moved out. What you are seeking in your relationship with your fiance is so important, is there any way that he will understand this? Have you seriously talked to him about it?
The son sounds very young and obviously is missing the emotional bond that he had with his biomom? maybe?
You need to be able to build that bond with him at your own pace and your fiance is going to have to allow that for you. He also needs to allow your relationship with him to grow as well, and that means having quality time alone together.
It is funny, because my ss was just telling us last week that his biomom and stepdad do not allow the kids to go into their bedroom at all, ever. He does not understand it at all, because it is not that way at our house. He knows that he is not to come in if the door is closed, but we had to make those boundries and explain those rules. The reason I do not think that he understands that at his biomoms is because they do not explain to him what their bedroom means to them and that it is their space to spend time alone in. Could you and your fiance talk to his son and set up some boundries?
Melody
My fiance and I have been together for 11 months and plan on getting married in April 2007. His son has never had a relationship with his biomom. She got sick a few months after he was born. She entered the hospital for treatment. She never came back home and died 1 month after his 1st birthday.
I don't have much advise on
I don't have much advise on dealing with a sk that has lost a mother I can only imagine how hard it is on everyone...This kid is reaching out for a mother and if you don't feel like you can be that person then I support you in leaving, I personally think if you stay knowing you can't be this person that everyone wants you to be, you will only make matters worse for you and everyone involved...Im really sorry that you have come to this. I wish I could give you more advice but I know how hard it is being a sm to a child who still has biomom Im not sure if I could handle filling someone elses shoes altogether, I don't want you to get the wrong idea I don't think you are being selfish or anything its a matter of whats best for everyone involved...I do think if you love your fiance and can't imagine life without him then you owe to yourself to try to discuss your concerns with him explain that as time goes on your relationship with sk will probably change but that you are not ready to take on the full load...You have to go at your own pace and if your fiance can support you in that I think you will be fine...But I would definately wait to get married until you know for sure that this is what you want and know that it will never be easy...lots of luck to you I really do hope things work out for you....
Bonusmom
I have to agree with NISE..
You know the answer in your heart on what you want. I think that by coming here you just want a little push. Being a Step Parent is not for some people. I know in my family alone I can do it but my sisters say there is no way they can. And it is ok. You need to make your decision solely on you. Because that little boy is not going anywhere. I seriously think that he is just wanting a mother so badly. Think about how when he has things that a mother normally does at school for instance, he sees all the other kids with there moms and he has nothing. It has to be really hard for him to with all this. he has to notice that you are pulling or moving around to get away from him. I am not saying how you feel is wrong at all, its not, but if you stay you have to try to get over this because as I stated up there he is not going anywhere..
I feel sorry for you because you must hurt inside for the way you feel and not only that you love his father. I hope that everything will work out for you..
Whatever you decide its ok..
Stepparenting is very difficult
you stated you just want to quit...then do it. There is nothing wrong with someone who does not want to sign up for a life long committment of being a stepparent. If it isn't you, then don't do it. Don't comprimise what you want in life b/c you want to be married.
I feel for this little boy so badly b/c he doesn't have his mother there to love him and he misses that. What his father needs in a life partner, is someone that wants to be there for his child with unconditional love. I agree that adults need some space, but children also need love, and compassion. This little boy is reaching out for you with open arms ready to share his love with you, and you are struggling to reciporcate that love. There will be a woman out there that will want to give him that love, but it doesn't sound like you want that person to be you. Please for the love of this child, do what you want, quit, and find the life you want for yourself, and let this dad find a woman who wants to be there for this little boy.
My bests to you...I can't imagine your pain..
Candice
I know how you feel
I know how you feel Jaunita. My SD hasn't really had a mom for most of her life. Her mom has been basically non-existent as far as visitation and being a mother figure. SD told me when I met her that her mom died, that's how bad missing out on having a mom hurt her...she would rather that her mom died. When I came into her life she was very clingy just like your SS is to you. I know firsthand how annoying that can be. You are put in a postion where you are supposed to love and care for a child like you were their mom when you don't even know them!! No one can expect that of you, it is just ridiculous to even try. I have always resented the "instant relationship" my sd expected of me. I hated it that she called me mom from the first week her father and I were together. I actually almost didn't start a relationship with my fiancee because I thought that was sooo weird and kinda creepy too. It's like I don't even know you and now your calling me mom!?
It's going to take time for his son and you to build a bond together. Believe me I know that there are big shoes to fill as a SM to a child that is motherless. I don't think I have ever lived up to my sd's expectations of what she thinks a mother should be. For so many years she built up this perfect model of what a mom should be like that no one could fill these shoes. I am not perfect nor will I ever be so to me this is her problem not mine if she never sees me as "good enough". All I know is that it is tough, I am expected to fill this role as the main person raising a child that isn't mine. I try to look at it like I adopted her but this doesn't always work.
Think hard before you jump into this. Think about the expectations your fiancee and his son will have of you as the only mother figure in his life. Does your fiancee want a lover in you or just a mom for his son? You can't replace his wife nor would you want to. I completely agree with you about putting your relationship first and privacy for adults. That's the way my fiancee and I run our household and he always makes sure I come first. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to deal with raising his daughter all by myself.
mamaceta
When we first met he made it clear that he wanted a life partner/wife in his life. He mentioned his son as a big priority which I understood however he didn't say his son was priority #1. There needs to be balance. I can share a life with him that he won't have with his son and vise versa. He also made it very clear that I would not be responsible for parenting his son. He requested that I support him while he raises his son and I agreed. Somehow between getting engaged and planning our wedding the lines have gotten blurred. I really try to understand how it must be for his son. I also think the reason the lines have become blurred is because of how his son has taken to me. I can see that it makes my fiance very happy and honestly who wouldn't want their child to accept and want to have a relationship with your fiancee? I get it but that doesn't make it any easier on me. Tonight is our date night so I let him know that we will be staying in because there are things I need to discuss with him. It's going to be hard for me to be completely honest about how I'm feeling and that I need a little bit of space from his son but I have to do it. I really love him and want to marry him and be a family with his son. I keep telling myself this is just a period of adjustment (You know the old 2-5 years before we'll begin to feel like a family) but sometimes I lose my faith. Like this morning with my earlier post. I was frustrated and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But after talking to him for a few minutes about nothing much I remembered that this is unfamiliar territory for him too. We can work through this together. He's a reasonable man and is always very considerate of my feelings. I just hope he can maintain his objectiveness when it comes to his son.
That's good to hear
It's good that you have come to a point in your relationship where you feel comfortable to talk about things that are bothering you that he may not be seeing. Communication is soooo important. You said "sometimes I lose my faith" we all feel that way sometimes. In many ways we have it easier than some stepmoms who get nothing but grief from the skids from the start. My sd is a bit older than your ss so after the "honeymoon" period for us she has started getting more attitude. But my point is that we are lucky that we have skids that are willing to accept us right away and be so loving. This is a period of adjustment and it's good that you recognize that. It is wonderful to have a place like this to vent and then ponder on what we felt so we can be more objective. I wish you the best of luck with your new family, it sounds like you will succeed with time and a lot of patience (it isn't easy I know!).
update 4 mamaceta
Last night I had a long talk with my fiance about a few of the issues that were on my mind. Primarily the privacy issue and his son being very clingy. He seemed to agree that we needed more privacy but was unsure on how to proceed. We talked it over and he decided to introduce the idea of privacy and boundaries to his son. He's going to talk to him about it tonight so that should help. Telling him that I needed space from his son was harder. I decided to explore the different reason why he would be so clingy so I started by asking how much info his son has about his real mom. My fiancé's answer broke my heart. He has NEVER spoken to his son about his mother. He said it's too upsetting and he doesn't know how much info is too much. He thinks his mom and mother in law have spoken to him but he never has. Our conversation was enlightening on so many levels. I had no idea that my fiancé struggled so much. He truly is at a loss in terms of his son's grief, how to handle it, how to help him move on and how to simply TALK to his son. I had asked him a few weeks ago to talk to his son about the fact that we are going to be a family and that I am not going anywhere. I kind of sense part of the problem is his son doesn't know what his role is in my life and where he fits in my relationship with my fiancé. Last night I asked him if he ever talked to him and he confessed that he didn't know what to say. I was floored. I told him exactly what to say but I have to remember this is very hard on him as well. He's been basically existing since his wife got sick. His life was forever altered and it's taken him 6 years to deal with his loss and grief. After a while the conversation got too emotionally draining for both of us. I feel his pain and hate to think of what he went through. We decided to table the issue for 1 week. He's going to think about what he truly wants and expects from me in terms of his son. He is also going to think long and hard about what he wants to say to his son regarding his real mom and the role I am going to play in his life. I told him instant family was not a realistic expectation and he seemed to understand. I'm also going to think long and hard about what role I would like to play in his son's life. On one hand I don't want to jump into the mothering role but on the other I love my fiancé and really want to be a family with him and his son. His son has lost so much at such a young age. At times I get frustrated with his constant demands for my attention but once I take a step back and really look at that young affectionate boy who has embraced me with open arms it doesn't seem so bad. He really is a good kid and just wants to be loved. I asked my fiancé last night if he had any ideas on why his son has taken so well to me. He answered, "Maybe he see's what I see. I thought I would never be happy or find love again. You've given us new life" Needless to say that was all I needed to hear to give me renewed hope. I know my fiancé loves me very much and is willing to do whatever is necessary to make our relationship a success. Thank you so much for your support it has really helped put things in perspective.
How wonderful!
I have tears in my eyes after reading your post. I am so happy all of you are working this out with love and understanding. Your fiance sounds like a great guy. What he said to you about his son..."Maybe he see's what I see.." is so sweet. I'm sure there will be more bumps in the road in the future (blended life is never easy!) but if both of you keep the open communication you will get through any problems that may arise.
I am very humbled by your thanks ...I want to thank you because you helped remind me how grateful I should be that my sd does accept me as her mom.
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