Reconsidering this whole stepmom issue..

Forums:

So it's been a while since I've had anything to blog about. Naturally that stems from the simple fact that I hadn't seen my fiancé's son in over a week. Last weekend we were out of town. I've been thinking a lot about the potential issues he may have dealing with loss and having a mother figure on the home. I'm trying really hard to be sensitive to his needs while at the same time remaining focused on my needs within this relationship. Long story short I feel like I was on constant alert this weekend. He goes through great lengths to be by me and it drives me crazy. This weekend I went through equal lengths to put some distance between us. It was exhausting. I hate having to constantly maneuver myself so his father is between is. I practically started a game of musical chairs this weekend. Every time my fiancee got up his son would move right over to me and put his hand on my leg. I would get up under the pretext of needing to do something. By the time I got back my fiancee would be back and his son would be in the middle. So I would sit on another couch before long his son would be over by me again. How do I tell my fiancee that I need space from his son? I feel horrible for feeling this way but I can't help it. I also hate that my fiancé's son just waltzes into the bedroom sits on the bed and listens to our conversation then buts in and dominates the conversation. Whatever happened to telling kids that adults need their privacy, not to interrupt and to knock before entering a room? It feels like an invasion of our private space but my fiance doesn't mind. I know it all comes back to the bond between him and his son. A bond that I do not share. I don't want to live my life feeling like this. What if my feelings never change? I don't want to be stuck in a marriage that is dominated by the needs of his son. I even asked him this weekend if his parents ever made it a point to put their marriage first. My parents did. They went out alone once a week and made it clear their bedroom was their private space. Sounds kind of harsh but it also made it crystal clear that their bedroom was not a communal space. It belonged to them only. He said his parents never did and seemed to think it was a silly idea. He didn't really understand why parents would "do that" to their children. Now I'm worried that this issue will drive us apart, not only concerning his son but the children we plan to have together. I need him to put us and our relationship first. The kids will grow up, get their on lives and move away. Don't we need to be on the same page in regards to that before entering marriage together? This weekend we had tickets to the circus and once again my fiancé tried to sit his son in the middle of us. I don't want to be stuck sitting by his son. I want adult conversation with my fiancé. Isn't it enough that I went with him and his son? He wants to create this instant family and I'm reaching the end of my rope. His expectations of me and our relationship are not realistic. I'm sorry his wife died but he can't replace her with me. His son can be his priority but my priorities are different. I'm crying as I write this, I just want to quit. Help?

oh, juanita...

Your letter sunk my heart.

I was reading it and wondering why both father and son seemed so desperate to have you play mommy and then I hit the end, only to learn that the mom had died.

Wow, you are dealing with lots of shared issues with the rest of us, but your situation is also so very unique.

I, too, am confused about a potential marriage (no rings, no dates, but lot's of 'i can't wait till you finalize your divorce so that i can marry you'). I know that these kids will impact my life forever, but not in my everyday reality.

You are in a tricky and very painful position because you have a legacy to live up to and the very real, authentic needs of a grieving boy and his dad.

This is such a private, personal situation. Its not about annoying and vindictive ex's or petty bickering over time-share arrangements. This boy needs a mommy, and that, unfortunately (or perhaps not) would be you (how old is he, by the way)?

It sounds like this is a situation in which you you could ultimately work out the boundary issues (bedroom, need for space, etc) because they are very fair, reasonable expectations and anyone would tell your fiance so...especially in light of the circumstances. I guess that the really tough question is weather or not you have the true desire to take on the mothering of this heartbroken, needy child? And how can you explain to the father of this child that you can never be her, and that its not realistic or fair to expect this of you?

Wow, I have read these blogs avidly, but yours just takes my breath away. I wish hat I could help. All 3 of you are suffering deeply, but you are the only one who has a choice to walk away from all of this pain.

I send you my best,
SM2B (or not, in fact, to be. For me, the jury is still out).

Stepmom to be

His son is 6 years old. His mother got sick shortly after he was born and entered the hospital for treatment. She passed away 1 month after his first birthday so he has never had a mother figure in his home. Last night I had a long talk with my fiance about a few of the issues that were on my mind. Primarily the privacy issue and his son being very clingy. He seemed to agree that we needed more privacy but was unsure on how to proceed. We talked it over and he decided to introduce the idea of privacy and boundaries to his son. He's going to talk to him about it tonight so that should help. Telling him that I needed space from his son was harder. I decided to explore the different reason why he would be so clingy so I started by asking how much info his son has about his real mom. My fiancé's answer broke my heart. He has NEVER spoken to his son about his mother. He said it's too upsetting and he doesn't know how much info is too much. He thinks his mom and mother in law have spoken to him but he never has. Our conversation was enlightening on so many levels. I had no idea that my fiancé struggled so much. He truly is at a loss in terms of his son's grief, how to handle it, how to help him move on and how to simply TALK to his son. I had asked him a few weeks ago to talk to his son about the fact that we are going to be a family and that I am not going anywhere. I kind of sense part of the problem is his son doesn't know what his role is in my life and where he fits in my relationship with my fiancé. Last night I asked him if he ever talked to him and he confessed that he didn't know what to say. I was floored. I told him exactly what to say but I have to remember this is very hard on him as well. He's been basically existing since his wife got sick. His life was forever altered and it's taken him 6 years to deal with his loss and grief. After a while the conversation got too emotionally draining for both of us. I feel his pain and hate to think of what he went through. We decided to table the issue for 1 week. He's going to think about what he truly wants and expects from me in terms of his son. He is also going to think long and hard about what he wants to say to his son regarding his real mom and the role I am going to play in his life. I told him instant family was not a realistic expectation and he seemed to understand. I'm also going to think long and hard about what role I would like to play in his son's life. On one hand I don't want to jump into the mothering role but on the other I love my fiancé and really want to be a family with him and his son. His son has lost so much at such a young age. At times I get frustrated with his constant demands for my attention but once I take a step back and really look at that young affectionate boy who has embraced me with open arms it doesn't seem so bad. He really is a good kid and just wants to be loved. I asked my fiancé last night if he had any ideas on why his son has taken so well to me. He answered, "Maybe he see's what I see. I thought I would never be happy or find love again. You've given us new life" Needless to say that was all I needed to hear to give me renewed hope. I know my fiancé loves me very much and is willing to do whatever necessary to make our relationship a success. Thank you so much for sharing your insights and support. I really do appreciate it. I'll keep you posted on how things are progressing

I think you are posed with a

I think you are posed with a significant opportunity. It sounds like his son really needs a mother figure in his life. I am with a man who has two sons - 6 and 9. Their mother is in the picure half of the time. I do wonder sometimes, however, how it would be if it was only me. You will never replace their mother, but you can pose a major portion of their life. It sounds like the son if very insecure and dealing with feelings of rejection, even t hough the mother passed away. He probably feels as though he needs to constantly work to get your attention and love.

Are you wanting to have your own?

If you give me an open heart, your will probably find a lot of love and much emtional needs fulfilled and respected because of your love for him. Kids are different creatures. They are very needy. When you show them that you care, they will open th eir heart. I think this guy sounds like he really needs you. You will just have to decide if you are willing to give.

I am a 33 year-old woman who has lived alone and in different states and independence for years. My man's boys drive me CRAZY sometimes, but I also get a lot of love and joy for life from them.

I wish you well.

Laura

Hello Juanita: I realize

Hello Juanita: I realize that your post is old and you may never get this reply. I wanted to write to you, though, to see how you're doing and what happened in your situation. I have been a stepmother now for 3 years. My stepson is going to be 14 in February. I met him and his father when my stepson was almost 9---we married a few years later. The biomom was not in the picture at the time since she incarcerated. She was a neglectful mother his whole life and things finally caught up with her. In any event, his relationship with her was (and still is to a certain extent) "interesting". But my reason for writing is that most stepmother situations you hear about say "my stepchildren hate me" or "my stepchildren are disrespectful" or some version of that. Your post caught my attention because it's the opposite--it seems like this little boy can't get close to you fast enough. It struck me because I have a similar situation with my stepson. I sometimes feel like I can't walk out of my bedroom without getting pounced upon. He calls me for everything and asks me for everything and is constantly wanting to be with me when I do errands, go to the gym, etc. I know I should feel blessed that he actually likes me and isn't being a punk but I can't help but feel overwhelmed. To make matters worse, although we get along just fine and I do find him quite enjoyable most of the time, there's something about his personality that doesn't exactly "draw" me. It could be because I met him at an older age when a lot of his personality was already formed or it could just be that, regardless of the niceties and the passing of time, his personality is not one that I'm particularly attracted to. It makes me sad. He calls me "mom" (unless he's with his biomom, of course). It started out with wanted to call me something other than my name. So we called me the "other mom" but then he decided he wanted to just call me "mom". At first I loved it---it was a very sweet thing. As time has passed, however, and I haven't been able to conceive, it's almost become a slap in the face. That sounds stupid and petty and I KNOW that. But I think sometimes everyone focuses on the stepparents who are dealing with issues of being mistreated. But there are those of us out there who love our stepchildren but don't want to be smothered. Or who don't feel an instant connection with them. I know what some people would say: "Poor you. Cry me a river". But to those people I would have to reply that they don't know what it's like to be under pressure to HAVE to love someone that you just don't feel that way about. Yes, I knew that I was signing on to be a stepparent. I had no idea, however, that I was going to become this child's surrogate mother---that he would practically choose me over her (which he has done and doesn't blink an eye). I had no idea I would be expected to be something and someone that I wasn't really wanting to be. I want to be a good "other parent". I'm happy to take care of him and be there for him. But I didn't give birth to this child. I didn't even know him until he was 9. I just don't feel that way about him. So I guess I'm writing this to say that I understand not wanting to "snuggle on the couch" with the child. I understand wanting your bedroom to be YOUR bedroom (we have that issue, too). I understand you wanting "date nights" and "adult time" and yes, I even understand you not wanting to be in the role of the "adored maternal figure".

My ss mother died when he was

My ss mother died when he was 9,and at first we got along fine.However now that we are married I have taken on the roll of having him do chores homework etc...now we don't get along so well.He is so very rude to me he does nothing of what Itell him to without a fight if at all.I also have 3 of my own daughters who do have to listin and do what is expected of them and of course i'm getting alot of well if he doesn't have to why do I?Anyone know what what I can do yo make things better?

wow, juanita!

What an intense experience. Your tone is really different now, and in such a determined, contemplative and positive way. Its amazing to uncover all of this information which is so totally relevant to you. Lots of questions were answered, that's for sure. Many more will be asked and answered...amazing.

I am so impressed with both of you guys, and I hope that that does not sound patronizing. I have so much respect for both of you!! These are issues that are so important to work out before the wedding (GOOD TIMING) and you sound totally committed to your guy and to his son, as they do to you. Its really a beautiful story, and I am SO RELIEVED that he was so receptive and motivated to work it out. What a great love affair!!

I hope that you guys will consider working with a counselor who specializes in child development/family issues. These grief cases are not really that uncommon, and he certainly needs some help since he is unable to discuss it with his son. My son will be 6 in December, and these little guys are so smart and also so confused (well, I'm 36 and pretty confused myself-lol).

Anyway, I am all smiles and a few tears for you. Your future sounds so bright!

Renewed hope!

I truly do feel much better about the situation. I know that it's going to be a long trying road but I believe that one day we will be exactly where we want to be. I waited a very long time to find someone like my fiance. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is everything I ever wanted in a man and more than I ever dared to hope for. Although the situation isn't what I envisioned I believe that we are meant to be together, including his son. I read a quote last night and it struck me as perfect for our particular situation.

When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life-Greg Anderson

We've all been hurt and disappointed in the past but I believe together we can pick up the pieces and have a wonderful life together. I'll be sure to keep you posted on our progress!

Your post here has disturbed

Your post here has disturbed me on so many levels. I am not one to usually “intrude”, I have to tell you that this is the first time I have ever felt the burning desire to respond to a forum post.

When I got to the part where you stated that you would have to think long and hard about whether to go through with your original plan of marrying the Dad, I realized I had to speak out. If you have to think long and hard, you certainly are NOT prepared to enter into a marriage where there is a child already present.

Do you realize that after not seeing this boy for an entire week, he managed to get on your nerves because he needed attention, love and affection from you? Do you honestly think that a true parent (step or otherwise) looks for ways to hide from their children. Oh sure, we may take a few minutes, but you took an entire weekend to run and hide from a 6 year old……

Your actually resentful because the child wants to sit between you and hid Dad? Do you really get us and try to reposition yourself back next to your fiancée? Take a moment to think about that. You are in competition with a child, yet you are acting more immature than he is.

Privacy? A parent does not seek the privacy you are asking for. What would happen if God forbid this boy has a scary nightmare in the middle of the night and he comes into your room for comfort? What if he needs to be held and hugged and consoled? Will you allow him to climb into bed for the security he is seeking? Or will you be upset because he may actually lie down between the two of you and you will not have your boyfriend lying next to you? Or better yet, what if the child forgets to knock? Or lets just say he remembers to knock, standing outside your bedroom door, shaking, with his little heart beating a mile a minute from fear of the nightmare he just had. Will you ask him to wait a moment because your still in your “down time” mode?

While I agree that a child needs guidelines and boundaries, NO child should feel that they are banned from any part of their HOME.

You try and rationalize the reason your husband doesn’t tell the child that he should not barge in and interrupt your “private time” by stating you understand the special bond they have?. A bond is created out of love and trust, it is not unique between a child and their parent(s).

He put his hand on your leg and you got up and walked away? Trust me, no parent would do that.

You don’t know what role you WANT to play in his life? If you are marrying this child’s father, your role should be obvious. And it is NOT a decision. And if you think that you have a choice, then I begging of you NOT to marry this man. In the long run, between the alienation you will subject this little boy to throughout your marriage, and your decision to finally leave because you are not getting your way, you will commit the unimaginable. You will hurt this child, and from what it seems to me, he deserves better.
Any child who loses a parent to death and seeks love and security should definitely NOT be subjected to a parent (or step) that has such immature issues.

When you are older, or more mature, someday you may have biological children of your own. It seems that it might be only then you will realize how truly selfish and immature you were at this point of your life.. Don’t misunderstand me; my children have a stepmother who is all I could ever hope for. She is a loving, caring, sensitive and emotionally charged lady who loves my children, as they were her own. Point being, marrying my ex, they did become “hers”. And as much as I hated it that another woman was going to play such an important role in their lives, I thank God everyday that he sent her to all of us. She and my ex went on to have two little girls. No child is treated unfairly. “THEIRS” are not favored over “MINE” in any way.

I really don’t think you need to think long and hard. You need to bow out gracefully so that hopefully this little boy can go on to have a Mom who will love him unconditionally.
Someone who will not get between him and his Dad.

Meanwhile, I will pray that you do the right thing. And the right thing is to consider the MOST important person in this, the CHILD. He is the one who should come first. Period!

Good luck.

Sincerely,
A biological Mom who adores her ex’s wife!

There She Goes Again...The perfect mother...Praying..

No parent would do that, oh puleeze. It takes awhile sometimes to bond with someone's else child, and she will feel the way she feels. Feelings can't be helped. She may bond with the child next year, and in a few years when he becomes a teen it may change. No one has a crystal ball, and sounds like she doing a good job in communicating things with her husband to be.

Juanta You'll work it out sounds like to me. In fact it may be easier especially if theres not a disgruntled ex in the picture. Theres always issues, and sounds like your on the right track!!
Good Luck!

You have got to be kidding!!

Are you serious??? Their is absolutley nothing wrong with the parents room being "off limits" to the children. Especially during private and adult conversations or other private and adult activities!!!!

So I guess this couples sex life should come to a screeching halt also so the little dumpling doesn't get an eye full when he just barges into their room any ol time he wants to with out knocking!!???

I am sorry but your view that the child should not be "banned" from any room in their home is just ridiculous!! It isn't just that childs HOME it's also HOME to other people who have rights to space and privacy!

And your wrong, parents DO seek that type of Privacy.. It's called normal, healthy, and necessary privacy! I have been a mom four 22 years three of my own and the step kid and my room has always been MY SPACE and off limits to my children! If they had a night mare then I go cuddle and comfort them in their room. My bedroom is my space.

Their is nothing wrong with teaching a child respect for others and respect for the space and needs of others..

Step children

My advise is that you have to be able to love children because they are children. More than love. You must feel the sense of responsibility and the urge to take care of them and protect them, in the same way you feel that towards your future spouse. You have a wonderful, amazing opportunity here - to love a child that is not yours and be loved back. I am with a man who is fighting for custody of his two chilrden and I support him because I love him. I am not blind to the obstacles - these are not my children but I must raise them. I will be the woman who not only took the place of their mom, but who "made" their dad take them from her (she is an uncaring, lazy, irresponsible, drug addicted, convicted thief). Still - they are only little ones, 6 and 9. If you can selfishly damage a child there is no redemption for you. Just love them, it is so rewarding.

On The Bonding Issue....

While it is true that "bonding" is a process, common sense is not. This is an immature woman who is putting HER needs before a childs. Any reasonable person would not be offended because a CHILD was trying to sit next to his dad. No mature woman would get up and do something so she could try to wedge herself back next to her husband/boyfriend. And no sensitive PERSON would be threatened by a 6 year old CHILD who has lost his MOM. And no one I know would resent a child for their insecurities. A truly LOVING person would find ways to help, not aggravate the situation. Its disgusting...period!

I have read many insecurities and felt most of what is posted on these boards. I have been in the situation of most things you feel too. But this lady is clearly not thinking of long-term guidance for this child. She is plotting ways to win his father and leave him knocking on their bedroom door. I just hope this boy's father will do the right thing and move on.....

no comment

musical chairs

In fact she did not try to get between the dad and the child, she wanted the dad in the middle so they could both sit next to the dad. After all he is the common link here.

The kid, by getting in the middle, i would say, either wants a mom and dad, or wants to get between the dad and juanita to have dad to himself. Or maybe to have her to himself. Of course he's just a little kid, so he does what he does. It's not like he can know better.

I know that it sounds harsh,

I know that it sounds harsh, but I almost agree a little with the anonymous message. I could not imagine not embracing the affection of a child and graciously giving it back. My heart just goes out to this child, he seems so alone in his efforts. I could only "dream" of my SS responding to me in this way. He is a great kid, but has never been affectionate at all. I would have loved for him to have been this way when he was younger, such a bond that it creates.

It does not take away from the fact that you have feelings that are real and you can't hide them or ignore them. You are doing the right thing and you should definitely bond with the child in your own way, just make sure that he feels special -because he sounds like an AWESOME kid and one that many of us would love to have. I have always believed that encouraging the unique qualities and bringing out the best in them is our job. They need our encouragement and our support in doing kind things for people and for having a good heart - we are blessed to have these kids in our lives. Embrace them and enjoy them while you can.

You just need to know that you have a place in the home and that you have a say, you will feel better about things once you establish that. Sounds like you and your boyfriend have good communication about the whole thing.

Terry,

The "PERFECT" Mom you are referring to is not claiming any such thing. All she is trying to say is that if Juanita has these emotional and immature resentments against her future step-son, things will not get better. I for one know that I would NEVER even consider marrying a woman who had these feelings. Feelings that she is entitled to. Just leave us single Dad's alone if you know already that your resent our children. While we may come with what some might refer to as baggage, it is baggage we adore and love. And the original poster certainly seems to have some baggage of her own. I only hope that the woman WE come to love and welcome into OUR lives will feel blessed to have BOTH of us in her life.

Besides, this in not a normal situation where there is an alternative for this child. THERE IS NO MOTHER IN THE PICTURE. How many stepmom's out there would love to be in that situation rather than deal with an ex? Not to say they wish their hubby's ex was dead, but not have to deal with his ex at all?

I have another feeling of my own. Juanita would find another reason to reject this child if it were not for him hanging all over her. Let's say he didn't want anything to do her? Would that make her happier?

We need to realize we are dealing with a 6 year old that lost his mother to DEATH. She did not wish to leave him, God chose to take her. I doubt he did that thinking this would happen to him.

Poor child.

Single Dad

no comment

Juanita

This boy needs a mommy and needs security. He's looking towards you to fill those shoes. It's a big job and if you can't love him as much as you love your finance then don't marry him. Your are marrying the child too. It's a package deal. I would also suggest that the boy be put in some sort of grievance therapy. I'm a mother of 3 and married a widower who has a daughter. I know first hand that a child who loses a mother as all sorts of security issues and needs more attention and love to heal. When I first married my husband my step-daughter would follow me around from the moment I came home from work. Never did I run away from her or push her away. And YES sometimes it drove me a little nuts but I understood she wanted a mommy and I knew one day she would stop following me around. That day did come, now she's a teenager and I miss her following me around. Good Luck in whatever you decide.

Its Not A Package Deal

When you marry someone you do NOT marry their kids or family
If that were the case then their names would also be on the marriage certificate. But the reality is most will never feel like someones elses child is their own. It was the fathers choice to have that child and very sadly the mother died. So the FATHER needs to fill those shoes, but you can have a close relationship and also set the boundaries at the same time. As with any kid rules just need to be enforced.

I agree

I have to say that I totally agree with what Be For Reals has said here. I married my husband, NOT my step daughter. I never stood up with her and swore to love, honor, or cherish her until death do us part. My committment is to my husband, not his kid! Period.

My job as her step parent is only to treat her with the respect to which I would expect my husband to treat my children. It is not my job to "fill her mothers shoes". It is not my job to pick up either of her bio parents slack!! They choose to have her, she is their job, their obligation, and their responsibility! Period!

I also have to say that I don't feel I owe my step daughter a darned thing just because I married her father. What I do for her should be appreciated, not expected and it is certianly not apart of my marriage contract to her father.

Let's not blame her for

Let's not blame her for having a hard time bonding with the child. How about the father????? He should know better. I would not ask a younger man (with no children) be a care-giver to my children and expect him to love them like his own. He needs to be a father to his children and not drag in some unsuspecting young woman into this mix. Just my take on it.

I agree within reason

I believe in locking the door when we are "busy" and if it's an emergency, they can let us know. Bad dreams in the middle of the night-of course that's o.k., but parents need to make the marriage a priority! Anyone going into a marriage needs to know that children require a lot of attention and love, and so does a marriage. You do have to find a healthy balance, but the marriage is number one! After the kids are gone, it's just the two of you-hopefully!

Right On

A Happy Wife Is A Happy Life!

Hi Juanita

Juanita,
It is not easy to love someone else's children. Just like any relationship, it takes time to form a bond. I know that first hand. My husband has two of his own and I have two of mine. When I first met my SS he was almost four, and was very clingy and needy as well. He always wanted to touch me or my hair, and after I moved in with my husband he wanted to sleep with us. His mom is still around, is a good person and very involved with him now, but was a bit detached after my DH and her split up. Just the shock of trying to do it all on her own at first, I guess. I think maybe my SS was trying to adjust to so much change and loss at such a young age and just needed a bit of stability and, for what ever reason, felt he could get it from me. He would sit between us at times, follow me around, or would want to sit on me. While it was not always easy and sometimes made me just nuts, I never pushed him away.
Please try to understand he is just a kid and he has been through a lot. Be happy that he wants to bond with you and just try to get to know him and let a relationship blossom. It does not have to happen overnight. Sometimes I think we need to try to see things through the eyes of the kids. And let me tell you that it is not always easy!! Maybe he is just afraid you will go away too. Please don't take me wrong. Your feelings are very important. Your BF cannot just expect you to become mom. That is not fair to you either. He has to allow you to form a relationship with his son on your own terms. There is no such thing as an instant family. It all takes time!! Lots of it!! Maybe you are feeling forced and this is making you resentfull. My DH and I have been together for four years now and I still don't know if I really feel like a family. I think I am finally beginning to. Some days more than others, but it is going in that direction. Thankfully, my DH never tried to push any one on me, nor I him. In the beginning we just treated everyone with kindness and respect, and just tried to get to know everyone and who they were, and expected everyone in the house to do the same. (Not always as easy as it sounds, but it does work for the most part.)
It is unfortunate that his Dad has not shared the memory of his mom with him. Maybe you can help his Dad to open up about that with him. It is not good for the SS to be kept in the dark about who she was.
I think he needs to know about that part of him and your BF should talk with him. It would probably be healing for both your BF and the SS to work through any repressed grief. It would also probably make things a lot easier for you.
As far as boundaries go, I think they are important. You and your BF have to work out what is acceptable to both of you.
This whole step family craziness it not easy!! Worth it I think -depending on which day you ask me!! Good luck

Butterflymom

little boys "fall in love" with their mothers at this age....

this might apply in your situation. Sometime between the ages of 4 and 6 little boys "fall in love" so to speak with their mothers and little girls "fall in love" with their dads. My bioson is going through this right now at 4 years old. Mummy is the greatest in the whole world, he is very affectionate, wants lots of kisses and hugs and will tell everyone who listens that I am his mommy. He is my third son so I know what is going on with him. My other sons were six at the time they went through it. Perhaps as the mother figure this is what is going on with your little guy. I would try to indulge him if you can as this is very natural and common and part of his development. It will pass and he will be less clingy once he feels secure.

i did

I did marry my skids when I married my husband. I even wrote vows to them and they were a part of the ceremony. I love my skids like they were my own and they needed me to be a mommy to them - and I have. Trust me - my husband loves his kids so much he would have never married me if I didn't have the bond and love for his children as I do. To me that makes him a good father- he puts them and there happiness first- always! And now so do I because I dont look at myself as there step parent - i am their mom. We know what we are signing up for when we do it. I knew my kids needed a mother figure and I love them so much that is what I am to them. And trust me it is very rewarding.

Complicated

Hi, Lots of opinions on this one and of couse, I'd like to throw mine in. Juanita, I do agree with you that the marriage has to come first. A strong bond between the husband and wife sends a postive message to bio and step kids. My parents demanded private time for themselves. They went away for weekends, they had date nights. You and your partner should do the same. On the flip side family nights can be fun too! We use to have game nights - it was fun. When my SD and I were getting along - we had great times together. My husband travelled and I'd have her over for a sleepover. Pajamas, games, movies, we made dinner together. I'd wager that if you talked to your BF and told him that you need quality time as a couple and make him understand how neccessary that is - in turn and in time you'll find yourself bonding with his son. I'm sure that the SS shares some of your BF's characteristics - look for those and begin to love those. 1 more thing: step parenting is a hard hard role and often not very rewarding you have to ask yourself and be honest if you're truly up for it. And if you're not - you are not a bad person. Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.

Glynne

Help!

Hello! I have been with a guy for over a year that I am totally enamored with. We will be engaged soon. However, he has two sons that sometimes drive me CRAZY. I have recently been diagnosed with ADD (mind you, successful ADD), and after reading all of the info on it and numerous books, I wonder if his kids are that as well. I deal with fits almost daily (6 and 9 year old boys) and they are constantly loud and running around the house like elephants. People say it is okay because they are boys but it drive me up a wall. They expect everyone to wait on them hand and foot. Their mother recently got engaged and they've been acting out more lately and having fits more and more. I don't know what to do. Has anyone dealt with this?

I have a degree in childhood education but have none of my own. I think there are some issues here but do not know how to pose them to dad and the like. Kids should stop having fits after two, is what I thought. Lately it is a constant. Advice????

Laurar, My ss's are the same age.

Boys really do seem to be more rambuntious & noisy than girls. They need to be constantly doing something, or making noise or messing around with something. I am older with no children of my own ( I am 7 months pregnant with what will be son #3 for our family) I know that as much as I love the kids sometimes it is hard to take. Especially when you are used to some peace & quiet. It is hard when your life has revolved around you to have it revolve around others.

Mine don't throw fits, unless you count being tired & crying because the dog stole your hot dog that type of behavior is usually a parenting issue at that age IMO. Have you ever asked the kids why they are throwing the fit & what's going on with them My youngest SS had some issues earlier this year & I just came out & asked him what was going on with him. It's worth a try, kids are smarter than we think

I am sure this is a little late

but I am going to be up front and honest here. My SS was "diagnosed" with ADHD and BM has him on pretty heavy meds. he lived with my husband and I for 2 years and during that time his behavior improved and his grade were better with no meds, for 2 years. It was a daily struggle but he knew the rules and he knew the consequences of breaking those rules. My DH and I both beleive in tough love, me more than him. I expect respect, do not talk back, do things when I say the first time, only A's and B's are only acceptable. Hardass, but that is how I was raised. Well when he went back to living with BM, meds came back out, behavior is horrible (he was almost expelled from school last year), grades are terrible, C's and D's. All around bad situation. So my point is that boys are boys. I grew up with lots of loud cousins and an older brother. For BM, it is easier to medicate than it is to do what we did and deal with it daily to teach him what was right and what is wrong. I am a firm beleiver in consistancy and dicipline and not meds. Period. No one will convince me otherwise. You have to get control and make them realize (be a bitch) you are not playing around and not taking their crap.

dear juanita

you made the point that the mother died when the child was less than a year old and thus had never grown accustomed to having a mother around. Nevertheless, the loss of his mother must have been a terrible experience. Maybe even worse at that young age with no chance of comprehension? With the behavior you describe he seems to be looking for a replacement.

You know, sorry for the comparison, but what do we say when we see a cat or a dog that is very clingy? "Taken away from it's mother too soon." If we think that of an animal ...

I understand your feelings though.

Someone also pointed out that little boys fall in love with their mothers at that age. There are other things too though. I once had a friend with a 4 or 5 year old boy whose husband died. Not long after i was helping this woman with moving and such and was around quite a bit. I don't remember terribly well but i might have been coming over from out of town and thus sleeping over with them as well. Anyway it was clear that the little boy wanted to pick me up and choose me as a dad. We'd be walking and he'd try to get his mom and i to hold hands. Ha!

But your story reminded me of that although it's different.

I forgot I posted this!

Wow, I had forgotten about this site and my post. Since the post my boyfriend and I got engaged and were married in April 2007. I took the kinder advice and tried to be patient and reassuring of my role in his life. My boyfriend spoke to him about me being his mom and us being a family. I then spoke to him alone. Once he knew that I was going to be around for the long haul he really did back up and give me my space. One comment that will forever stay in my mind and heart was the day of my wedding I had our coordinator call him into the limo so I could talk to him. I told him that I was very happy and excited that we would soon be a family. He smiled up at me and said, "Now I'll be like all the other kids, everyone has a mom and now I do too!" That comment really touched my heart. I moved in after the wedding and we have set boundaries regarding privacy and knocking before entering a room. He knows our bedroom is our space just as much as his bedroom is his space. And to the silly comment about me not allowing him to enter the room, he's allowed. As a matter of fact he was ill the other night and came in to tell me. We went into the rest room I took his temp, gave him some tylenol and tucked him into his own bed. I checked him about an hour later and he was fast asleep. He did not need to sleep with his father and I. I was able to tend to his needs without crossing my boundaries. I also took the suggestion of the family night. We had date night in place but have now added a family game night which is Sunday evening. We also plan outings together such as trips to the movies, we saw Enchanted this past weekend and next week my husband is taking us on a family vacation to Nuevo Vallarta. We'll be there for 7 days. My husband booked us a two bedroom suite so everyone has adequate privacy. We are all looking forward to our family trip.

As for the comment about his neediness just being a stage I agree 100% If anything he's entering the stage where he doesn't want me or his dad to hold his hand when crossing the street and he has asked me not to kiss him hello on the forehead when picking him up from school. To quote him, "MOM! Only babies get kissed by their moms!" He's entering the stage where his parents are an embarrassment to him. That makes me happy actually. It tells me that he's accepted me as his mom and he feels confident in my acceptance of him.

He really is a sweet boy and I love him with all my heart. Occasionally he'll ask questions about his mom and my husband has begun to understand how important it is to talk about her to him. Although I never knew her I have made it clear that discussing her is not a taboo topic. I tell him that I'm very grateful to her because without her I would not have him. I won't go into the religious aspects but I believe she was meant to give birth to him and I was meant to raise him. I tell him he was born in my heart. We believe God is good and this is just how he planned it.

Thanks for the update

I'm glad you found us here again to give us an update! I'm so glad that everything worked out for you. It sounds like you guys are on the right track.

Dawn

Juanita

I do agree with anonymous and yet I don't. This little boy is hurting and you get to give him lots of love and affection without having his biological mother around to confuse him. I married a man with two daughters and the little one ( who was 6 at the time ) was "in love" with me and I loved it. She's 18 now and not so in love with me at this point - but the relationship changes over time. I love them but realize that they have a mom already and that is not my role to them. You can be a mom to this boy...it does not compete with your husband. Once you have your own children that will change you also. It is a constant growth process and sometimes not easy ...sometimes it is. Right now I am not having the easiest time of my role to them but that is my issue not theirs. I know firsthand how hard it is to muster up feelings you are afraid of having - you probably wanted to be a lover first and feel as if you are being forced into a mother role too quickly...but you did marry someone who's child lost their mom. Maybe your not ready for this...trust me ..the issues don't go away.But this little boy needs lots of hugs and kisses..that doesn't cost much..Try some counseling..for you and for them. I think though that your fiance' is mistakenly trying to have you come in a "fix" it. He hasn't talked about his mother to the child...let him fix that first before you proceed. It's almost as if he was relieved that you could come into the situation and fill that role for him. It won't work ...take it slow...don't expect much. But do understand that the little boy is hurting and it won't be skin off your back to give him some love and smooches. Oh, one more thing, loving boundaries are cool. ..nothing wrong with having your own space..in fact that might make you feel better and give this a fighting chance.Good Luck!

put the blame where it belongs

on the dad. typical man, hoping some woman will come along and heal all the hurts that she inherited. and if she doesn't do it with a smile on her face then she's mean spirited. she is a person too with feelings and fears. a 6 year old is too young to be that manipulative and deserves her to be warm and kind. but that's it. it'll take years before anyone can expect her to love him as if she had given birth to him. regardless of the circumstances. the dad should play a bigger role, get his head out of the sand and make this better.

put the blame where it belongs

deceitful teen stepdaughter (soon)

I have been with my guy for 6 years"true" love was until I found him. I have a daughter who is now almost 20, on her own - full time college student and works full time. I am so proud of her. I also have a daughter who just turned 8, and soon step-daughter who just turned 13. When I met her she was 7, very sweet. Now she has learned how to play her father like no other, he has a huge BLIND spot when it comes to her and she is coming between us intentionally. She must always be the center-of-attention and continually blurts out "Daddy, I love you" when he and are conversating or together. She has been in quite a bit of trouble the last couple of years, stealing, lying,sneaking,and sexual activeness. Her mother was a stripper and this girl dresses like she is 17-boobs hanging out in front of father, lots make up, playboy-bunny clothing and huge hoop earrings. Not to mention the way she acts when her father is not around (he works 3rd shift so sleeps during day when the rest of us home) She acts like a ghetto, trashy girl thug when shes on her phone - I see right thru her. She tells me things that she has done - not parent approved things- she tells me to see if I will tell her dad. If she gets in trouble for them, she has ATTITUDE to me and sucks up to her dad like the innocent child she plays when he is around. Just found her on MYSPACE with a provoctive picture for 13-yr girl and it said she was 18! Not only that, it is security locked so we can't view her page without her accepting request. He grounded her last night, she made him a drawing of her and him with suck-up quotes written all around it, so the "trouble" disappeared as it always does. Having raised 1 child, I would have made her sign on to the site so we could view exactly what else is on there, I am SURE there is more inapproriateness, that is just her. He didn't even ask her for her password, I am sure she will get in there and change her page all around today to make her appear inncocent that she is NOT. She also hangs on her father almost like a "couple" relationship - it truely makes my stomach turn as it is wierd to me. So much more I need to seek opinions on regaurding this, but appreciate any comment on this thus far. Thanks in advance.

You are here

Reconsidering this whole stepmom issue..