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Tough love works (so far)

JRI's picture

I posted about GD37 wanting to stay her with BF and dog while he looked for work in  this city when they moved here from another state.  Kids like to stay here: .private entrance, permissive attitude.   With an effort, ("Beloved First  Granddaughter!"), I said no because of DH's ailments.  This meant they had to stay with the other grandma who is convalescent.  I know that has been uncomfortable: small house, questions, conservative, religious slant.

Boyfriend stopped by tonight to return a tool.  He starts a new job Tuesday and tomorrow, they are looking at an apartment near his work that he scoped out.

I'm so glad I said no.  Otherwise, they would still be here with no end in sight.

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Kes's picture

Well done for standing firm!  They didn't "have" to stay with the other grandma, they could have got their own place.  Freeloading adults are my bete noir.  SD25 (26 in 2 weeks) has never yet stood on her own two feet, currently lives with NPD BM, and made suicide threats in Nov of last year, so now everyone tiptoes around her.  SD24 also currently lives with NPD BM, and the three of them are all high conflict, so frequent arguments.  SD25 spent an hour bending DH's ear on the phone yesterday, and apparently called him at 11pm last night, some crisis or other.  We had long gone to bed, so he didn't answer.  Whatever it is, she's not coming here.  Over my dead and decomposing body. 

tog redux's picture

My SS21, who is just as dependent as your SDs, was just texting DH at 11 the other night about some fight with BM. Why always so late at night, I was wondering? And why text the awful father he didn't speak to for years? I guess he's still trying to play both sides.  Or is that the worst thing he can do to BM in the moment? DH didn't reply until morning. 

JRI's picture

This is my own oldest GD, I love her.  She's an only child and the only GC on her mom's side.  She has had plenty of attention and love.  She's one of those Peter Pan kids, hasn't wanted to grow up, long story, but finally at 37 has a good job, boyfriend and seems to want to settle down , I even heard the "B" word ( baby)  That's all good and I hate to be one of those people who says, "when I was your age......".   But shes way behind most her age who have kids, houses, etc.  She is smart, she will figure it out.

BPDHell's picture

The pause. I learned this accidentally several years ago when my grandparents were going through a lot with family members embezzling from them and drugging my grandma who had dementia. I had been the go-to person for decades when things needed to get done or problems popped up for my grandparents, my aunts, and cousins, but the sheer number of problems that popped up during that time period were overwhelming. I was going through a lot in my own life and was working and going to school. Well, while I was in class and at work, I couldn't answer calls or texts, so it would have to wait until I was able to turn my phone back on, which sometimes I'd forget and notifications would stay off until the next day. I discovered that during that delay in my response, they'd find another solution! It was a wake up call. I started delaying before responding for all the high maintenance people in my life and woosh! They started calling me less and less and they found other solutions. And now I hardly ever hear from them. It's been blissful!

FYI, my grandparents situation was fixed after a trip to family court, the courts assigning a public guardian for my grandma, and no contact orders for the worthless, criminal family members. Yes, I am the one who called in APS. Twice. *biggrin*

JRI's picture

Yes, the "pause" is helpful!  I'm into helping my 97yo mom and 83yo DH as soon as possible.  Everybody else, I'm going to use the pause method!  GD and BF and dog just left after a visit.  They are submitting application paperwork for the apartment and he's looking forward to starting his new job.  So far, so good.   I'm so glad I didn't cave but it was close.