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The tangled web

JRI's picture

You might recall that DH bailed SD62, aka The Grifter, out of jail to the tune of $500.  She was somehow involved with a credit card scam but the charges were dropped in March.  So, where's the $500?

DH asked me to call, I did and was told to bring the receipt to the courthouse where they'd research.  He or she had lost the receipt so on a cold, windy day, we (DH86 and me79) drove cross-county and paid for a duplicate receipt.  As we were going thru the security at another building, SD62 called, said she was told and/or saw on the net that the check would be sent to her and she'd bring it to DH.  He was relieved and happy we could go home.  I immediately had my doubts about him ever receiving it but told him I'd put it on followup for 2 weeks at which time, we'd pursue it in person again.  I have to believe there's a computer system tracking this.

So, the 2 weeks is up tomorrow and DH suggested we take SD with us tomorrow and spoke with her about it.  I thought, great, then she can be embarrassed when they tell us it's been mailed and cashed.

But, wait, emergency call from The Grifter this morning.  She has to get a duplicate driver's license before she can go cuz she left hers at the Drs office and they sent it somewhere where it was shredded.  Oh, and she needs some $.  DH offered to take her to the license bureau but she said no, she'd go, just stop by first and get some $ from him.  He said no, I'll take you.  Ok but she also has to go to the Social Security office for a duplicate card from when her purse was stolen.

I think you get the drift here.  She's already spent the $, she's a helpless victim of the court system, Drs office and bureaucracy.  He just left, aggravated, told her she's a disaster and more trouble than the other 4 put together.  The biggest joke was when he asked if I wanted to go with him.  Lol.

Thank goodness we separated finances.



grannyd's picture

What in the world will that awful woman do when she no longer has her father to exploit? Her children had best work up a financial plan to share her legal/drug expenses because, as sure as death and taxes, the Grifter will be at their doors, with her begging bowl, when daddy goes to his reward.

She'd better pray that her father stays healthy for many more years!

JRI's picture

Her 2 kids by ex#2 are both functional and employed but they're wisely distancing themselves.  Her daughter by ex#1 is a welfare mom who sponges off SD62 for $ and babysitting so she cant afford to distance herself. She's a good person but doesn't answer her phone when it gets too much.  Yes, it will be interesting. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Yup I'm guessing The Grifter spent your refund bail money and has been trying to cover it up by claiming the receipt was lost (probably thrown away), she doesn't have a drivers license (What doctors office shreds someone's license without even calling them to come collect it first?), and claiming they were sending a replacement check to her (yeah right).

I doubt your DH will ever see that $500 again. 

Rags's picture

After all of that he ran off to sniff her ass yet again?


FFS this guy is a glutton for punishment. Her ass must waft of the scents of Frankincense and Myrrh.


JRI's picture

She's his baby, poor helpless victim.  Also, she's the only one who ever helped him and he can always count on her.

I don't care about his delusions except: OSS comes weekly to mow and always does some other chore here.  DS installs electronics and buys what we need and are too dense to buy. DD and her hub recently trouble-shot  an internet prob, diagnosed an electric problem and DIL, formerly a Navy electrician, installed a new circuit.  So, no, she's not the only one who helps him.

It's just his excuse.

Lillywy00's picture


The only one he can count on .... to treat him like that bottomless pit of tortilla chips at Chili's (just unlimited financial mooching with no end in sight)

Rags's picture

Jeri, I am so sorry you struggle with this and that your DH is determined to keep drinking the kid related delusion flavored Kool-Aid.

Time for the Help Spreadsheet.  By date, task, person, and hours of help provided, and..... what it would have cost him to call a service for that help.  Make sure that SD's number is in a column showing the big ZERO right next to each item that the OSS, DS, DD and her DH, and do not forget YOU, have contributed to "help" him.  Do the Net monthly help sit down with him at the end of each month and .... provide clarity.

I would.

Fortunately, this is not something I have to do in my SParent world.

CLove's picture

I love spreadsheets. And autofil and autosum Biggrin

advice.only2's picture

Your DH reminds me of my DH’s ex-FIL.  When we were in the thick of things with Meth Mouth the ex-FIL reached out to my DH to ask him to return custody and “help out” in getting Meth Mouth sober.  DH was like umm no I need to protect my kid and that’s what I’m doing.  Ex-FIL’s response was “Well I need to protect MY KID!”  and then threatened my DH.  The ex-FIL ended up passing away while Spawn was still in high school and while it was sad for her it was kind of nice for us since nobody was willing to fund Meth Mouth’s destroy DH in court campaign.  She still took him to court she just didn’t have any money for lawyers or anybody to remind her to show up.  It really boggles my mind to watch these men jump through hoops for these dumpster fires and then act confused when nobody wants to help them.

AlmostGone834's picture

It sickens me that at their ages JRI and her husband still have to rescue and support his daughter. The Grifter's own kids aren't even doing anything for her. The one good thing that will come from her husband's passing (and I'm not wishing that) is that JRI can finally tell The Grifter to f- off and figure it out on her own from now on. I hope she has a rude awakening.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

The Grifter is so much like my late SIL, Druggie. Drawn from the same substandard template and protected from learning any hard life lessons that might have improved their character. Druggie could do no wrong in FIL's deluded-by-love eyes, despite being an addict, shi!!y mom, welfare lifer, low level dealing, dirty hot mess.

These enmeshed dads have so much of themselves wrapped up in their failed spawn that to admit how awful they actually are equates to admitting they the parent are a failure as well. And that ain't gonna happen.

I've witnessed what happens after daddee dies, and JRI has been warned. I'm sure she's got a plan in place that will shut the Grifter out of her life when the time comes.

grannyd's picture

Doubt, AlmostGone? There is no uncertainty in this latest money grab from Ms.Grifter. I'll bet the farm thatJRI’s felonious SD had the bail money earmarked for illicit drug use the very instant that gullible dad paid her bond.

My dear JRI, you must gird your loins against The Grifter in the years ahead as she will be a greater nuisance than you can possibly imagine. Never underestimate the entitlement and resolve of a manipulator like the Grifter!

Rags's picture

The immersion that the families of the Grifter types embrace is beyond mind boggling to me. My IL clan has this.  Everyone welcomes,  hugs, smiles, etc... and when the Grifters steal, borrow and never return or pay back, then sell it as "Oh, that was a gift" everyone ignores the theft, etc.. and just lets the "that was a gift" crap stand.

Oddly, when FIL was alive, DW got her ass chewed a number of times when she called it out.  The first time was when the whole family visited us when DW was being inducted into the State CPA organization after she passed the exam.

BIL1's bovine bride is a lying manipulative POS of truly monumental proportions.  The family was visiting for the swearing in ceremony, and for a family vacation.  The bovine bride woke up on the morning of the first planned day trip with a "migraine".  They bowed out of the trip and were going to stay at our house so she could stay in a dark room and get over her "migraine".  DW gave BIL1 the keys to her car in case they needed to run to the pharmacy.The rest of the family took off to the activity,

DW forgot something so we turned around before we left the neighborhood to get her purse or whatever, entered the house, and overheard the bovine bride say something along the lines of "now that they are all gone and  your idiot sister gave you her car keys, we can go do XYZ and LMNOP...." DW was pissed and hurt.  When we got back from the day trip the car was gone and so were they.  That evening DW, FIL, MIL, and I went to dinner while everyone else stayed at our house eating pizza, watching CMTV, and goofing off.  DW was irritated about the fake migraine thing and as the 4 of us were having dinner, talking family, etc, DW brought up what she had overheard when we had run home for her to get her purse.  It really hurt and pissed off DW that the bovine bride faked her migraines.  The next day FIL pulled DW aside and chewed her ass or upsetting MIL by telling her about the fake migraines.  


DW was heartbroken that FIL and MIL were all upset that DW had shared her concerns.  That they had decided to white wash the issue and blame DW rather than recognizing what everyone had long lived with the bovine bride is still hearbreaking to my DW, 20 years later.

FIL was never mad at the scumbag POS doing the theiving, lying, or manipulating, just at DW for baring the scumbag's ass.  DW would be shocked and heartbroken when her dad would get angry with her for calling out the dirtbag.  So, I had to take my FIL for a walk and inform him that never again would he disrespect my wife by trying to white wash a thief by getting angry with the only kid he had that was worth a shit.  He and I had a tense year or two after that.  Interestingly, DW adjusted not by warning the rest of the family then getting her ass chewed, she started directly confronting the thief in front of the rest of the family. That took away FIL's ability to blame the messenger and  it took away everyone else's ability to ignore the bullshit.

Maybe DW has been married to me too long.


DW was FIL's person.  Even my MIL regularly brings that up.  For some reason FIL at some point decided he needed to protect everyone else from DW because she was intimidating to them all with her success, and confidence.  FIL did not ever recognize that DW's confidence while highly justified is also fragile.  She tends to blame herself for the failures of others.  "Maybe if I had........" is something I have been working to get DW to adjust over the years.

So far, I have failed miserably with that.

JRI's picture

Yes, DH is always confused and angry that others (me, the other 4 kids, the gkids) choose to distance ourselves from her.  Nobody wants to take her calls, have her in their homes, be with her.

Rags's picture

My SIL has backed  herself into the no more help corner with the entire family.  She ripped off MIL's sister for $Tens-of-thousands, ripped off  her two brothers, ripped off my MIL and FIL.  She knew better than to even mention it to us.  We get the more pouty version but never a direct request.  No money for the biannual family vacation.  So she would pack up her spawn, load up their dogs, and go on the trip with everyone else then sit around and pout while everyone else did activties, shopping trips, etc....   I had to pull her aside and ask her to keep herself and her kids away so everyone else could enjoy themselves without them hovering, pouting, and begging for someone to buy their tickets, pay for their lunch, stopped for icecream, etc....   So, they would sit about 50 ft away pouting while everyone else enjoyed themselves.  Invariably, someone would slip her a $20 and she would get a bag of fries or something and then they would join the group and we would then get "Can I have a sip of your drink?"

Back at the campground, her kids would lose their minds when we would not let them cheat at board games.  "Thats okay honey, they do not play like we do at  home."  To which my DW would say... "We do not cheat at board games adn do not play with cheaters. Stop cheating and you can play witih everyone else. If you are going to cheat, then leave the table."  They would go sit in their tent and sniffle, and pout, and play the "woe is me" game while everyone else had a great time.

Yes, I am that.... asshole Uncle.  My DW is... that asshole Aunt.


They still do this shit and it has been going on for decades.  

MIL's sister wrote SIL out of her will due to the money SIL has stolen from her.  The Will clearly states that SIL gets nothing and in the event the share of the estate that goes to DW, BIL1, BIL2, Cuz1, Cuz2, Cuz3 is less than what SIL has stolen.... law suit.  DW worked with her aunt to get those elements added to try to avoid having to sue or even file charges against her sister.

I can't wait to be in the lawyers office when the Will is read and the estate distributed.  SIL is going to either be her usual pathetic woe is me self or she is going to lose her ever loving shit.  If... she has stolen more than what her share of the estate would be, I wanna be there when the sherrif rolls up to haul her ass off in handcuffs or when she is served with the lawsuit papers and gets notification that her home has been attached with a lien by the estate.


Rags's picture

It is the never ending 5000Lb pink elephant in the room.  Everyone knows it is there but they ignore it and pretend it isn't there.   Anytime SIL is around.  Everyone ignores her as much as possible, everyone keeps their purse, coats, etc... in hand, and DW and I keep her purselocked in the trunk of our car. It really is that bad.

Sadly, it is just as bad with BIL1's bovine bride. She is honest as the day is long. She wouldn't take a thing. But...she is a raging toxic biotch and her noxious presence is beyond belief.  Between everyone keeping their hand on their purses and wallets with SIL and the bovine bride's mean crap, IL clan events are always entertaining for me, and upsetting for DW... which then brings out me going Rags on them in real time in front of everyone. So, everyone keeps a corner of an eye on SIL and on the bovine bride and a whole eye on me and on DW to see when we are going tp  bare their toxic theiving asses in front of everyone.

They have highly evolved multigenerational abilities to pretend like everything is hunky dory.

It drives me nuckin futz.


JRI's picture

Yeah, whenever we know SD62 is coming over, I hide my purse and DH hides his wallet.  It's sad we live this way.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

He was paying for a two bedroom luxury apartment and a Tesla.  She called to say she needed $800 for "insulin".  I offered my medical debit card up to the pharmacy and it wasn't accepted.  My other SD said, "well her new boyfriend is a poor college student and can't pay her bills."  I guess a girl's  gotta try.   

JRI's picture

You're going to have to stay vigilant with that shark.  It's tiresome dealing with these people.

Rags's picture

Ha!  That is both some scary and long past due karma shit right there.  

As a 43yr and counting T-1 diabetic, being without insulin is a truly nighmare situation to consider.  Time for her to sell her treasures and pull her head out of her ass or she is in for some misery beyond compare.  

My entire adult life I have made career decisions to ensure I had top tier medica insurance benefits.  I have turned down some very exciting opportunities because they did not include solid medical insurance.  

If we were not covered by my DW's firm, I would not be working in my pre IPO start up right now.  The insurance at my company is not top tier and I cannot risk not having coverage for the meds that if I had to pay out of pocket would cost me nearly $4K per month.

Your SD is in for a nightmare if she does not figure out how to provide for herself and keep her insulin supply chain filled.

I have done some Indiana Jones like adventures to find the insulin, insulin pump, CGM vendors in various countries around the world while I was living and working there.  I always take a year + worth of supplies with me when I am first on an intrenational Expat assignement. It can take months to find the distributor.  Back alley skitchy places, having to engage local fixers from my office to go down the uncle's, cousin's, daughter's, husband's, brother's, mistress's, boyfriend chain to find the location. The call to the home company makes it sound easy, actually finding the stuff, can be an adventure of monumental proportions.  Every assignment I would buy a new Garmin with the local country's maps, I would then pin every supplier location on that GPS so I could always get there. I also had them in my contact lists in my phone so I could always get hold of them.  When I needed supplies, on more than one occassion, I would buy everything they had in stock.  Our home looked like a junky's crash house when the Fridge or any cabinet was opened.  

One thing I have always commited to myself is that I would not let my disease limit my life, career, or opportunities.   That has taken some work for sure.

Your SD relying on a sugar daddy for her insulin scares the hell out of me.

During our Qatar assignment the job lot of Insulin that the Gov't bought was nearing expiration.  It worked for shit.  One bottle would be fine, the next with the same expiration date would hardly work at all.  I damned near ended up in the hospital a couple of times due to that old shit insulin.  Then.... fresh job lot was available. I thought I had gone to heaven when they finally acquired a fresh job lot. The Gov't would buy countless millions of doses in a single purchase.  So much that it would expire before it could get fully used.

grannyd's picture

Oh Rags, Hon, that sounds so frightening! Life as a healthy T-1 is, clearly, a full-time chore. Thankfully, your personality and training (pragmatist/engineer) are ideally suited to the requirements of a stable, salubrious existence.

And BTW, I’m on my third reading of ‘Lucifer’s Hammer’ and am, once again, amazed at how much I missed on the previous perusals. I suggest that you download a copy to your laptop or, ideally, either an e-book reader or an I-Pad. No need to remedy falling-apart pages!

Has your bride read the book?

Rags's picture

I do not believe DW has read the book. It is by far my favorite SciFi read.  I first read it in...... 1979.  My first boarding school room mate turned me on to it.  

I have not read it since shortly after  you and I first discussed it. It is about time I refresh my read on it.

I'm glad you enjoy it so much.

When I was first Dx'd as a T-1, about a year after I first read the book, I recalled the T-1 character from the book and re-read it. Kind of a calming thing for me at that time since the horror stories of uncontrolled diabetes were fresh in my mind then.

When I was first Dx'd my dad went engineer all over the management of the disease. He created graph charts for tracking glucose urine test results, how much insulin I was taking, etc, etc, etc...  Under his tutelage I learned the ins and outs of the disease early in my T-1 career.  Learning to understand, manage, and "engineer" life with the disease starting at 16yo is likely significantly contributory to why I ended up becoming an engineer myself.

It isn't rocket science. It take understanding, diligence, and commitment. But... having all of my bits working at 60 after 43+ years with this disease is proof of concept to what dad drove into my skull when I was first Dxd.

CajunMom's picture

How these toxic people can weave their "webs." Sad that your DH has just let her run rampant all these years. And when he's gone, she is going to be in one big mess. I'm glad you have clearly told him that YOU will not be he source of help. 

While my DH has had his issues in StepHell, the best think he ever did was "cut the cord" to the ATM (himself). Several of his kids ended up homeless and had some miserable years but today, all but one are doing decent in life financially. The one that still struggles came calling for money last year....she was getting evicted...needed to "borrow" $2000. DH said no. Guess what? At 32 years old, she figured it out.  Working as a farm hand, but at least she has a bed and roof over her head. 

My sadness comes that you have to be impacted by all this. Our senior years should be peaceful. 

And I ALWAYS remember...your SD and I are the same age. SMH

Harry's picture

Anyone here actually believe DH would actually see that money again.?   If money went to my daughter, for any reason I knew it was a gift. As never to see it again.   This is my choice to bankroll her. Or not to do it.  She is getting my money after I died so some in advance is ok 

Merry's picture

As awful as my SD is, she doesn't ask for (or demand) money.

The amount of time your SD spends covering up her deceipt is impressive. Imagine if she used that time and energy to straighten herself out.