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SD62 in Jail Again

JRI's picture

In October, SD62 went to jail for an outstanding warrant.  She had participated in a credit card scam with 2 men a couple years ago.  The case was continued time again with SD62 not appearing.   So in a traffic stop, she was arrested and went to jsil.  We got the frantic call then, with a request for $500 bail, but due to overcrowding and SD62's promise to appear, she was released before DH86 had to post bail.  She got a court-appointed lawyer and told DH86 it was all over.  I was tracking it on and could see it was NOT over.

Yesterday, we got a call from the county jail, SD62.  She was stopped for a missing front license plate and arrested due to the outstanding warrant.  She needed $500 bail.  DH86 was ready to go, I said, go ahead but he begged me to go with him.  I told him she had lied to him, thst showed the case was ongojng. Of course, he doesnt care, he's the white knight savior.  I went with him because I didnt have faith he'd find it, he's losing his navigation skills.

When we parked, I refused to go in.  This is our second trip to this jail, about  4 years ago, he had to bail her out for something else (again, not her fault -barf).  After about 2 hours, they came out and we drove her home.

I was so incensed.  He was trying to treat it lightly ("Here's our little prisoner!")    She just thinks if she ignores things they will go away.  She said she never heard back from the lawyer they appointed last time, who knows if she even met with them.  I told her this isnt going away, to call the new lawyer asap.  Of course, she swore she would.

I was so bummed out last night, I couldn't even post.  DH86 was aggravated at me for not being nicer to her, I had shared a few home truths with her on other topics.  He made a few remarks about "family" and we weren't speaking last night.

We are speaking again but not about her.   I realize she will be part of my life as long as he lives so I have to find a way to get along with that fact.  I've disengaged as much as possible ( thanks, Steptalk) but looking at her life, there are so many ticking time bombs, from her health to her finances to her relations with others and so many of them land back in DH86's lap, so in mine, too.

It never ends, guys.


SteppedOut's picture

That's all I have. I feel for you. 

I hope writing it out helps you. I do believe it will help others...those that come to the site....looking for help or answers. Looking to see if it ever gets better (while maybe trying to decide if they should stay/go). In most cases it doesn't.  Sad reality, but reality none the less.

JRI's picture

I'm so grateful to Steptalk where I can vent and rant.  Believe me, nobody I else I know wants to hear it.

Rags's picture

I'm so sorry JRI.

Hopefully she gets several years of prison time so you and DH get a reprieve.  As tragic as prison for her would be, it would be best for her own kids and for you and her father.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

JRI's picture

I would love it if she got some jail time.  Even tho this stay was brief, she was a little alarmed by some of the inmates who told her to shield them from the guards' sight while they pulled drugs out of their vaginas and ingested.  If course, in typical SD62 fashion, I think she was taking notes rather than being scared straight.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Damn. As Rags said, maybe a few years in the clink will be best for all. She will get the housing, food, and healthcare she always needs help with and you will get some peace. You'll still be paying for it, but with your tax dollars instead of DH's bank account. This crap right here is what we all fear will happen with our skids. ETA i hate to sound harsh, but this woman has and always will be a thorn in the side of everyone associated with her. 

CLove's picture

Awe man thats horrible. Im so so sorry. No wonder you were bummed out. And DH trying to minimize it and then getting aggrivated by your insistence on the truth.

Id be so mad that Id probably get some digs in such as "guess we will have to apply for reserved parking here at the jail" or "guess your going to be needing orange lipstick to match your outfits now..."

Oh I am so p!ssed for you.

Feral Forger hasnt been a bother, but she will always be THERE, around the corner.

Livingoutloud's picture

Wow. I am so sorry. It never ends 

Last time OSD was arrested, she wanted DH bail her out or pay some lawyer up or some type of fees. It was a lot. My DH lived through so much with her that he said no. Enough is enough.  

She ended up serving I think 90 days that time. She refused to talk to us or let us see SGD for about a year after that. But she hasn't been arrested or in any trouble with the law since then. 

well maybe I spoke too soon. She's being evicted right now because she lied about having a dog so she didn't have to pay pet fee (dog story is a separate story deserving a separate thread), and then got into altercation with a neighbor who she thinks told on her. So maybe stuff repeats again. It never stops 

sorry, you are so strong 


Lillywy00's picture

It never ends, guys.

My mom is dealing with her narcissistic longtime boyfriend and his daughter who is 40 wreaking having (well the dude is a master triangular so there's that) 

At one point her skid was living with them had a key to the house and all sorts of privileges she didn't have. Her adult skid decided to ghost her dad (mfs be getting tired of narcissistic people) and he interrupted their relationship time to chase after the daughter even offering to spend a lot of money to buy her affection. 

You're right JRI ... sometimes it never ends. 


AlmostGone834's picture

JRI, it's obvious you love your husband very much. You were worried about him so you drove him (I would do the same for my husband, out of my love and concern for him). I am so sorry that after you drove him there, he tried to make light of the situation... a situation that was very upsetting and frustrating for you. I am sorry that you are dealing with this still... after all these years... and I was hoping for a peaceful holiday for you when you posted that she canceled her party. Unfortunately she has severe mental issues.

I thought I would be happy after we took little idiot back to the airport, but in reality all I've felt is this sense of dread. There's something not right and I have a sinking feeling her mother's bipolar might be starting to emerge. If so, I'm afraid it's going to be a bumpy ride going forward. Like you said a ticking time bomb.

All we can do is hold our boundaries. Eventually your DH wont be able to stop that bomb from going off. Maybe sit him down and lay it all out for him "SD is 62. Her whole life has been turmoil. It's not going to stop unless she makes major changes. Eventually things are going to implode with her and you will not always be around to save her from her choices. I want you to know that when that happens, we will not be housing her or increasing our monthly assistance to her. It's beyond time for her to learn to sink or swim on her own. I love you DH and I've stuck by you as you bailed her out over and over with OUR resources but I'm drawing the line. We will do no extra going forward." Yes he's probably going to get upset but you've been more than supportive all these years. Maybe it's time to tell him your stepping off the merry go round?

JRI's picture

When I read your posts about LI, they always resonate with me.  I understand now that's it's the same feeling of dread, of pending disaster I have with SD62.  The worst part is that I/we don't even know the full extent of her issues or maybe it's a blessing.

There are at least 4 serious and chronic medical issues tho she lies and exaggerates so much it's hard to know.  But, I have been with her at Dr appts, hospitals, infusion centers so it's not all fantasy.  Her understanding and mental processes are getting impaired, she's worried it's dementia and says her dr wants to do some testing.

She can't afford where she lives tho we subsidize.  Her electric, phone and car insurance are usually in arrears with disastrous results, like when she wrecked her car while the insurance was lapsed.  She talks about bills she is paying on and I sense it's something else but she has no charges due to poor credit.

Her relations with 2 of her kids are almost non-existent with one daughter openly hostile.  The other one does help her but quits answering her phone when it gets too deep.  She can't keep friends and none of her siblings want contact 

I wouldn't be surprised if there are other legal probs, if she hadn't yet been caught for shoplifting, it's a miracle.  She haunts her building and surprise! many other tenants put up cameras.

So, yes, like you, I can't help worrying what comes next.  DH86 thinks she will die prematurely and I wouldn't be surprised.  He knows I'll leave him if he ever lets her move in again. He's aware of her issues but she's his girl and he won't let her fall thru the cracks.

It's something, isn't it, Almostgone?

CajunMom's picture

As someone said, I hope she gets jail time. It would probably be the best thing for her. AND your DH...kind of hard to ignore or make light of a prison sentence. SMH

DHs oldest son ended up in jail once and in our area. He never called DH because he knew DH would have let him stay right where he was. The BM got him out. 

I'm sorry, JRI. So wrong that you have to deal with this mess.

BethAnne's picture

I'm so sorry JRI. You are such a great support to everyone here. I hope you find some comfort in knowing we are all here for you and know that you don't deserve this drama and disruption. 

Your husband won the lottery when he met you. 

I hope your New Year is filled with peace and tranquility. 

Evil4's picture

I'm sorry, JRI. Yes, it's always something. I'm a former CO and it's a type of thinking. Your SD will never change. When people go through life never getting consequences commensurate with their actions they only get taught that what they do works. They commit an action that is either illegal or on the edge, they use their manipulative words and people in their lives believe them and even rescue them in the hopes that they'll not have to do it again and the person like your SD gets off on the relief that they got away with it. It's an ongoing cycle if commmit shitty action + manipulative bullshit defence + getting little to no consequences = reinforcements and enabling. I’ve been following your blogs since you joined because I can relate to how it never ends with our SDs. Being an SM is very much like being a CO. We see the same cycle that never ends. I guess all you can do is stick to your own boundaries and come here and vent. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.

JRI's picture

You describe it well.

Rags's picture

Sadly this is pervasive far beyond just toxic failed family spawn in blended families.  Kids come home complaining that teachers are mean and failed them and mommy and daddy go tearing into school to confront the teacher.

Back in the day, a call from school for any reason was a near death sentence for a kid. 

Too bad those days are long past.

grannyd's picture

Evil4, you’ve presented a brilliant, succinct description of criminality! I read your post to my DH (who has been watching 'Cops' for the last couple of weeks), and he was very impressed with your 'formula' for recidivism and the type of upbringing that produces antisocial behaviour.

Merry's picture

Oh my goodness. I can also testify that it never ends. But my skids are just jerks, not criminals.

I would have a real hard time living in all that denial. 

Kloewent's picture

I have been a SM for about 45 years. Except for a few breaks, and yes jail was one of them, my SD has been a constant source of angst for DH and aggravation to me. She has been a druggie for 25 or so years. The times she was in jail were a relief to DH because he knew where she was, plus she was drugged tested for a while afterwards. Now she is severely disabled from walking in front of a train. DH was childishly hopeful she would have an epiphany, but no such luck. After 2 + years of holding her together by sheer will, the whole situation is slow imploding. He still goes to see her twice a month for a few days, luckily she lives 100 miles away. She has recently become extremely verbally abusive to him, or he is just telling me about it now,  but for the first time in 45 years he has set a boundary and held to it. He told her if she talks to him like that, he will leave AND HE DID IT!! I was floored. He has done it a couple of times and also hung up on her.  He was recently diagnosed with a condition exacerbated by stress and he believes she is the cause of it. He is finally putting his needs ahead of hers. Anyway, my long winded point is THEY CAN CHANGE! Hope yours can start to see the truth.

JRI's picture

Like you, I've been dealing with SD62 for 50+ years.  Yes, constant source of angst and aggravation.  Druggie, disabled, check, though she's never walked in front of a train (yet).  My DH86 doesn't seem to hope for a change.  He accepts that she's a bubble off.  His mantra is "there have always been sick people".

She is never abusive to him, loves him, but has the sense to realize her ATM might get cut off if she were abusive.

Rags's picture

Stress certainly can kill you, and cause other issues if it doesn't kill you.

For me it kills my short term memory.  I go from a mind like a steel trap to an advanced alzheimers patient in a very short time when I am buried in a stressful daily situation.

Harry's picture

Has mental problems.  When my SD got arrested for something I called a lawer for her, she way a couple of 100 miles away. The lawer said. Let her do the jail time, She is not going to do the probation times, and you are going to spend all this money and she is going to jai, time in the end. I paid the lawer like $150 to check on her and she did 30 days diwn to like 18 with good behavior.

I It was a local jail with a bunch of mental people in it. 

JRI's picture

I can only hope, Harry.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I've got nothing, JRI. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that this works out with minimal damage to your DH and his/your finances. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

JRI, your struggles with your SD often remind me of my late SIL, Druggie. She and FIL were enmeshed; he was her atm and was forever bailing her out of some mess. Life after FIL died was a constant struggle for Druggie. She managed to last twelve years before dying, but never made it to sixty-two. 

Having witnessed what happened to an enmeshed daughter AFTER their Daddee died, I urge you to have a detailed plan of action for after your DH passes, and hope it includes moving far away from your SD. She isn't going to change, won't be able to cope, and WILL be badgering you regularly. She'll get progressively more desperate, and I worry for you. as Rags says, TAKE CARE OF YOU.


thinkthrice's picture

"I'lllllll be booooooooked for Christ-mas

Youuuuu can't count on meeeeee

Handsome cops

And scamming shops

But Dad will set me freeeeeee"


Sorry your pathetic SD brings out the worst in me.

Winterglow's picture

JRI, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I confess that my stomach lurched at the " little prisoner" remark. I don't know how you do it. I hope you have POA (we settled this as soon as my mother started to have the very slightest "oddities". That way it was all settled while all concerned could voice their opinions. )

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"I confess that my stomach lurched at the " little prisoner" remark."

Yeah, that might be a funny joke if she were not, in fact, a prisoner. Like an actual prisoner. In prison. Well, probably county lockup but still. It's not adorable and cute to be in prison. He's like "Oh, SD and her antics again. So cute!" Puke.   

Catmom024's picture

Oh my goodness.   I'm so sorry.   Why is it always us who look up the court docket and know what's really going on and not their parent???  Oh...because ignorance is bliss.  Reminds me of the time my SO rewarded Princess Druggie with McDonald's after her intent to distribute arrest.  

So what exactly does your DH think is going to happen with SD 62 after he dies?  Does he think she'll die before he does?  

You're right, it never ends.   The dysfunctional people in the dysfunctional relationship don't want it to end. 

JRI's picture

I think he's secretly hoping she dies before he does.  It's going to be grim for her if she outlives him cuz I won't be able to afford to continue subsidizing her.

Rags's picture

Even if you could afford it.....


Throwing good resources after bad people is never a good idea nor is it even caring.

IMHO of course.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Idk what his estate plans are but if he plans on leaving her anything substantial he might be best placing it in a trust with one of her siblings (if any are responsible enough and willing) tasked with doling it out monthly or actually using it to pay for things for her with it. Because someone like her will blow it fast. Possibly on actual "blow." 

JRI's picture

Good idea but nobody wants that much contact with her.  It would mean constant begging, whining calls.  You're right that she will bow it fast.   When she smells money, it's like a shark smelling blood