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What's her title???

Jennymack12's picture

So I'm in my first lesbian relationship. She is great (aside from things I'll talk about in another blog lol). We have been together 2 yrs, we live together and plan spending the rest of our lives together. I have 4 kids from a previous marriage. My oldest 3 are all teenagers  and they are comfortable with our relationship . My youngest is 8 and he ABSOLUTELY adores her. They have a bond like no other. Its beautiful. Well... Lately he has been asking her what she is to him. I told him she is his friend but she seems like more than that. I have never even thought about how to answer that. Anybody been in the same situation ? Any advice? ?


Iamwoman's picture

If you're asking what he should call her, then it should be whatever the two of them are comfortable with. Skids in our family call me by my first name.

As far as the relationship, just tell him that he should be able to enjoy the people in his life without categorzing them into boxes with labels. 

If he persists, ask him what he wants her to be for him, and allow him to make that decision.

Obviously, if you ever marry, she will be SM!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Agree with this.

However, OP, you say there are other things about her that aren't great (which is true in any relationship). Are these things that would push you two to break up? You're coming here for advice, which isn't a sign that things are on the outs, but is generally a sign of things aren't great (especially if you are a BM coming onto a SM forum, unless you yourself are also a SM-to-be with your SO's kids).

If you think the relationship is rocky, I wouldn't put too much pressure on trying to define their relationship. It would suck monumentally to go through an exercise of getting your son more bonded with your SO and defining more what that looks like only to have it come crashing down.

Jennymack12's picture

1. I wish I knew what all those letter stand for lol. 2. Its not that its rocky, its just different being with a girl. 3. I came here ro see if anybody could relate or has known a situation like this. Thanks so much for a response. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

There is a list in the forums section with abbreviations and their meanings.

How is it different being with a girl? I've had both male and female partners, and the only real difference for me has been feeling more protective with female partners than with male partners (some sort of engrained female role stereotyping, I'm sure).

Her role isn't any different than if she were a man. She is your partner, and she defines what her role will be with your kids based on limits you set. If you were with a man, what would expect your kids to call him? Or how would you expect them to treat him? The same rules apply.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have a friend who had a child from a previous relationship and is now engaged to a woman. Her daughter calls her GF/Fiancé My-Lucy. 

I think there are a lot of alternative names for spouses and partners of the same-sex. Be careful about titles until you are talking permanent though. That is for all relationships- same sex or not! 

Ima (Hebrew for "mother")

Amou (Portuguese for "loved one")

Opie (for "other parent")

Motina (Lithuanian for "mother")

Winterglow's picture

In French they use "tatie" (tah-tee) a lot. It means "auntie" but kids use it for women who are not necessarily related to you but who may be close or simply just women they trust (your mother's best friend, the workers at your daycare centre, etc.)

The children of my lesbian friends just call their mother's partner but her first name.

futurobrillante99's picture

She is your partner and if I was you, and your partner agrees, they should call her by her first name or create a nickname for her. Creating a nickname designates closeness and affection without giving her a formal title. And it removes any awkwardness of using her first name (which might make the kids feel like equals to her)

tog redux's picture

I'm confused on the question - she's his stepmother (or will be).  As for what he should call her - by her name.

Letti.R's picture

This is a conversation you should be having with your partner.
What does she feel she is to your 8yo?
What are your expectations of her relationship to your son?

Do you want her to be another parental figure or Mom to your son?
Do you want her to be another adult in the house, without being "Mom" but having some authority with your son?

I don't feel comfortable with telling an 8 year old your partner is his "friend".
She may be friendly to him but calling her his "friend" reduces her to his peer - this is wrong in my opinion.

Have the same conversation with  your son.
What are his expectations of her?
What does he think he should call her?

Aunt, Mom, Nickname are all options the need to be decided by the people involved.
There is no right or wrong, only what works for you all.

still learning's picture


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Part of the family Smile Becuase she is. She doesn't really need a title, other than that. Let him decide what she is to him. And honeslty as long as he's respectful, what to call her. My skids 50/50 call me mom or call me by my first name (we also have a weird situation, she's crazy, abandoned them, takes them and ditches them now, etc, etc.). I let them choose for their comfort. As long as she's okay with it, then it should be his choice.