Please help! Advice needed! In hell!
I've been married for a year and a half. He has 4 kids and I have 3. From day one he has always been sneaking around behind my back talking to BM which I finally got him to stop. It still bugs me because I feel like I cannot trust him. And it is from more than just that. A lot of lies and him being sneaky. After so many lies, how do you trust someone? I cannot stand when his kids come over. I miss being just me and my kids. Does it get better? It is worth leaving? I am just not happy even though he has gotten better in many ways. Still when I bring up anything his kids do he goes off but yet points out every single little thing mine does to me. We split up once and he stalked me for an entire weekend because I went to my girlfriend's house because surprise we were fighting over his kids letting a 13 year old girl come by without us knowing and talking about finding some pot for her! I said are you gonna say anything to him and DH went off on me! I cannot take it!! I left and he went crazy because I left! Knocking on her door all night then running away etc. The police even got called. I stayed with him because he acts like he cannot live without me and guilts me. I don't like being in a blended family. His kids are horrible and he just makes excuses for them. I'm drained mentally and am physically exhausted. What to do?
- jbirch822's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Do you really a need a bunch
Do you really a need a bunch of Internet strangers to tell you what to do here? Go back and read your post as if your friend was telling you this. What would you advise her to do?
You should leave. As soon as
You should leave. As soon as possible. I think that's obvious to you. And if you need to alert friends, family and the local police to the fact that he's a crazy stalker when you do it, then get out the word so you can have people protecting and watching over you and your kids.
I do feel stupid for all of
I do feel stupid for all of this. I am weak and let any and everyone tell me what to do. I feel guilty for every move I make in life. Thanks for the comments.
Feelings Aren't Facts
... and clearly, you are not stupid or dumb. Just human, and sometimes we all make mistakes. We also get to learn from them, forgive ourselves, snd move on.
(((Hugs!)))
I have no problem being alone
I have no problem being alone in fact I love being alone. I just feel guilty because he says every day that you won't do me wrong will you you won't leave me will you? To the point it is needy and driving me nuts. I only feel guilty is why I have stayed. And financially I have gotten into a bind in this marriage. But I feel like I can make it on my own if I try hard enough. I live in a very small town where there are no houses for rent etc. I guess I'm scared to death that I wont have anywhere to go.
He sounds manipulative and
He sounds manipulative and controlling. Don't let his gaslighting be the reason you stay. I have a few friends who have dated men that lie to them and sneak around and honestly I don't get how they stay. That behavior is a complete deal breaker for me. I think you need to get out of this relationship ASAP.
I know I stayed too long. Now
I know I stayed too long. Now he says I don't lie anymore and he really doesn't but I can't get over the past. I'm uncomfortable all the time. I hate my life now. I'm ready to be happy again. He just knows what to say I guess to make me feel bad but I'm tired of it. I hate myself for being so weak and stupid. Maybe I can feel normal again soon
Use the Broken Record technique
You are not required to respond to his needy, sniveling, manipulative VICTIM-MENTALITY b.s. You can tell him you are not talking with him right now.
STEP 1 - Loser: "You bla bla bla bla, BLA-BLA, bla-bla-bla bla BLA me?"
STEP 2 - You: "Not discussing anything with you right now."
Repeat Steps 1 & 2 until you're GONE!
Never tell dude your leaving...
Start making plans to leave now. Put eyes on all important papers, documents, bank info, shove them in your car trunk where spare tire is... OR pass them off to trusted friend/family.
Eyeball your 'stuff' and start getting it out of your current place when HE is not there. It is amazing how much you can move out without him knowing.
DO NOT hint that you are ending the relationship or that you are moving out. The second you decide to leave block his phone and tell friends and family to do the same. File a protection order that day too. IF you must, change jobs and move to different city. You can always find work. Even if it is serveing tables for several months.
If you have no place to go and no money go to a womans shelter.
Okay I will do this. I see
Okay I will do this. I see how people get "stuck". Thank you all for listening . I always felt so guilty if I left. Like I'm letting everyone down. I guess I couldn't see how bad it is until now.
The sooner you cut the ties,
The sooner you cut the ties, the better you will feel eventually. You need to find a man without all these issues, one day... and staying with him...will not help you lady~ Get through the initial separation pain and suffering and you will find some peace from this h...ll. Life should not be miserable with somebody who never changes to heal the relationship. He knows you are not happy and you know it too. You deserve much better....
I don't think either of us
I don't think either of us are happy. He always thinks I'm cheating. Even looks at my dirty underwear and says he says stuff in them. I'm sick of it
This man is unstable.
This man is unstable.
Call a shelter and get your kids out of there ASAP
Read your post . Read it as if you were one of us reading a
stranger's post. What in the world? Buying pot for a thirteen year old? Bad parent! Stalker. Harrasser. Police being called. Afraid for yourself. Sneaky. Crazy. Bad parent.
Love yourself. You need to fix your picker. Be alone and be with your kids and work on you on why this kind of relationship was ever acceptable to you. Develop some boundaries. Strong, strong boundaries. and yes it is dangerous when you leave an abusive relationship so you do need to protect yourself and be smart and careful but you need to leave and work on you!
His 16 year old was trying to
His 16 year old was trying to find pot for a 13 year old. He didnt believe but I was right and he found out the truth in the end. I agree I definitely need to figure out why I picked this guy in the first place. I want to be alone with my kids now. It's just getting to that point. I've tried to tell him but I guess that's the abusive part he wants me to stay with him. So I guess it's time to set the boundaries and get some strength and do this. I guess I'm just nervous. I see it clear now after hearing from yall. So clear
You need to leave, but you need to do it carefully.
You need to leave, but you need to do it carefully. You need a plan - don't just do it suddenly. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline - they will have someone who can give you info on how to handle a stalker. https://www.thehotline.org/
As was said upthread, gather all important documents and move them out of the house. Before you leave you will need a new cell phone and plan so he can't monitor your calls or call you. You will need a new bank account and a new credit card from a different bank than the one you currently use. You need to have all "new" things like this so he can't trace what you are doing.
You will need a place to go - either your own or with family or friends or a shelter. If it is new to you, don't let him know where it is. If you go somewhere that he will know, let law enforcement know in advance. You might be able to get a restraining order in advance; if not, file for one the moment he tries to contact you. Then - report him when he violates it!
You have been being emotionally abused. As you have experienced, the abuse gets worse when you try to leave. You have to protect yourself.
The worst part to me is I
The worst part to me is I stayed. I stayed because I had lost my job a few months ago and didn't have a dime to my name. Literally a dime. Now I do have a job but it will take me a while to get money up to move. We argue a lot. We never get a long unless I keep my mouth shut 24 7. So I guess I'll save money and be quiet until then. Thank God my kids are older. They don't see all of this. They don't like him because he talks to them about our arguments. I may just move in with friends if possible. This is my 2nd marriage and have done all I can to save it but I'm thinking something is wrong with me picking wrong guys. Thanks for the support I do feel lost
At the time staying felt like your only option.
You stayed, but now you know you need to leave. Now you are becoming proactive and taking steps towards leaving. If you feel safe for now, keep a low profile and start saving money and making plans. If you get to the point where you don't feel safe, leave immediately.
You can do this. Start reading and researching, get your power back.
Thank you. So much
Thank you. So much