What your daughter said was awful. BUT, she has been forced to live in a house for 13 YEARS with a man who treats her like this. On top of that, you knew how your husband treated her, but instead of leaving you stayed.

Chances are, she hates your husband and has zero respect for you. Your daughter has exploded on your husband NOW, you want to fix things. Why didn't you try to fix things years ago when he was treating your child like crap?

Your husband doesn't have to act like a father to your daughter: he married you, so he is supposed to be nice and polite to her and help provide food and shelter for her , in case of need. Apparently both you and your daughter expected a father figure, which he isn't and doesn't wish to be. Of course that would be the ideal situation but, in fact, he is not her father and unless he abuses or mistreats her, there's nothing more you can demand from him.
About your daughter: no matter how hard it is on her, she has no right to speak to anyone like that. Either take her to a therapist or enforce some manners on her.

I feel there is more to the story of why he doesn't interact with your daughter.

I'm projecting from what I've seen in my family. But a lot of times I've seen this - mom & daughter were all alone. They become 'friends'. Daughter doesn't see mom as authority & therefore doesn't listen to the mom. Is disrespectful, takes every order as a negotiation, & is just plain rude even in public. Butting into adult conversation & basically being confused about her place as a child. Mom things this is 'normal' & she's just a kid/preteen/teen etc. Always making excuses. When other adults don't want to interract with the child, because seeing this behavior & being able to do nothing irks them, mom (or dad, I'm using mom/daughter because that's what it is in this case) thing it is an excuse for the child to act out towards that person.

Alright, I'm done making up imaginary situations LOL. Can you give us more info? was your child 'hardheaded' before you were married? Did your DH ever pay attention to or speak to her? If so when did it stop? Why?

Who cares how you got here...seems to be plenty of blame to go around. At least you are trying to fix it now.

IMHO...I would tell both of them that they behaved terribly and it will not happen again. They need to stay away from each other. Your DH needs to let you parent her. She needs some therapy. Then she needs to go off to college.

Has your DHs drinking contributed to the issues?

Has your daughter ever expressed her feelings to your DH when she is NOT in trouble? I would not respond well to an adult/child who seemed to be trying to use emotional blackmail to get out of trouble. If your DD is upset that your DH never asks how her day was, maybe she should talk to him about it when everything is going well.

I'm sure they are both a little to blame for their relationship being what it is, and I don't think it is fair of you to expect him to be the one who reaches out. Your husband sounds like he feels very unappreciated since he does a lot for her her dad does not do. From experience, I know it is hard to connect with someone emotionally when it seems like they don't appreciate you for what you do for them already.

I could see my SS12 saying the same about me. "Chokin is nice to HER kids. Chokin ignores me. Waaaaaah"

But the truth is I was a doting parent to every child until HE started being a brat and then I began to disengage. And when I try to be nice I get rewarded by being treated like a leper every time the brat gets back from visiting Mommy Dearest.

But skids and kids in general don't see things from others perspectives.

Every person has different languages of love. The relationship a man has with his teen son will be different than that of a teen stepdaughter. He may feel his affection is shown in the things he works hard to provide her with - clothes, car, insurance, phone.

You can't expect a man to parent a toddler the way he would a teen
It's adorable when Daddy plays horsey with a 3 year old. It's creepy and illegal when he plays it with a 14 year old.

He fathered his toddlers. And his son. He didn't have a child that's got emotional baggage from a divorce thrust in his lap for these children. These children didn't resent him for NOT being their real father. Different story with your daughter.

YOU set the tone for what's going on in your home. The buck stops with Mom.

My home is odd in that my husband greets my kids, chats with them but it's usually a stormy silence between myself and my SS. Why? Because I made sure my husband knew I expected him to be good to my kids AND most of all, I don't tolerate my children being shitty towards my husband. My husband allowed his son to be an ass for way too long out of fear of being rejected by him, the natural consequence of that is now he has a wife and child that don't like each other very much

Haven't read all the comments yet, so forgive if it's been said.

IMO you need to let the girl go. She's graduating, going off to school anyway. I'm sure the last few years has been hard on her. You say yourself you're co-dependent and DH is an alcoholic. Am I right that perhaps DH's died from alcohol complications? It's the one thing to me that makes the line daughter said to your husband fit. Otherwise why not have just said 'die, stepdad, die'.

Anyway...glad to hear both you and DH are getting help with your individual issues. You have two young kids that will be counting on the both of you. May I suggest your daughter join a support group such as Al-non/Alateen?. If she is able to move out (perhaps with a group of females or a grandparent?). it's time to let her go. She's a young woman with a future ahead of her and she needs to sort her feelings and begin adjusting to healthy functional adulthood. You want your daughter to be successful and a good parent herself one day. Let her go seek what's she's looking for and wish her well. Perhaps one day with space, assistance and a bit of time your family will be able to work things out a bit so that you all will be able to have a more comfortable relationship as a family some day. If not, at least improve the current situation.

When was the last time she asked him how HIS day was? When was the last time she thanked him for the phone and roof and food? Oh, yeah, never. Because "finances don't count." She is on the verge of finding out just exactly how much finances do count and what an act of love it is to give over your hard earned cash to the care and feeding of a person to whom you owe nothing.

Nobody's as pure as the driven snow in this situation but Husband has provided for daughter and daughter has said "Die, you fatherless Stepdad!" That's what it boils down to. To me it's pretty clear who is the more effed up and who has swallowed more forced bile.

There is ample evidence for why DH is disengaged to a certain degree. Who cares if he corrects her when needed. I correct my SD when no one else does, too. I USED to do fun things with her but too many elbows in my ribs so no thanks not any more. So the same accusation could be made to me. I know damn well how we arrived at this state of affairs in my house.

Your daughter's father is not your husband. Your daughter needs to figure that out and so do you. Some people only have one parent and some people have no parents. It's not an excuse to lash out. Teach your daughter gratitude and she will be a happier person.

But why did he jump on his SK, but ignore his bio kid? BOTH broke curfew but only one gets chewed out.

There have been a number of blogs lately about the double standards in step families. If SMs get feed up with their husbands treating their kids differently from his, I can only imagine how the kids must feel.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle. I actually give the girl a pass on the "your dad is dead" thing because the adult man brought absent fathers up first. If the adult is going to go for the low blow, I have zero sympathy when it gets turned on him.

As to their relationship as a whole, sure he has NO obligation to be "Daddy". Zero, zip, nadda. In which case he had NO business getting in her grill about curfew. That was none of his damn business, if he's not Dad. So it looks to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too - he wants to be able to discipline but without having to engage as a parent at any other time. I call bullshit. Too many SMs are faced with the opposite situation, where the bio parent wants them to engage as a parent without being able to discipline, and I think that's equally bullshit. Either half without the other just doesn't work.

Nope, I think you, Iruyas, need to sit your DH down and have a Come To Jesus meeting about his role as stepdad. He wants to disengage, that's his right. But then he needs to ZIP IT. He is NOT to discipline, yell at, fight with, or anything else with your daughter. He has an issue, he brings it to you and you deal with it. And I mean that, you HAVE to deal with it. But the only issues he's "allowed" are ones that affect him directly. Otherwise he can have a nice shut-the-fucupcake and sit down.

On the flip side, talk to your daughter. Tell her that YOU will be the sole parent going forward and DH will no longer be any sort of "disciplinarian". However, as an adult in your household she WILL show him respect and common courtesy.

I think that's about the best you're going to do in the time you have left. I'm sorry, it sounds like your daughter is desperately unhappy and I wish there were more I could tell you to do!