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Not what I’m used to

Irene H.'s picture

I grew up in a blended family, and it was way different than what I’m experiencing now. I think the big difference is my bio mom disappeared, and my stepbrother’s bio dad disappeared, so we didn’t have the back and forth. But the ex in our situation is very involved. Even that would be ok, if she weren’t nuts.

She feeds the Skids all this crap, making them feel like they have to choose between her and me. Why? I’m not trying to be their mom. I love their dad, it’s a package deal, and I’m trying to do right by them and be good to them. But that’s the extent of it for me. I didn’t have kids of my own for a reason. I’m not pining away for children. He’s my focus. Not them.

The result of her head games is them being subtly crappy to me. They refuse to have anything to do with my family, fake sick or behave horribly anytime a family event comes up for me during our time with them. They feel like it’s disloyal to her, if they have fun with us.

Meanwhile, my blended family has grown really close over the past 30 years, and none of my sibs or parents understand why the Skids won’t come to birthday parties or family events, etc. My family is trying to welcome the Skids as cousins and grandkids, etc., and the Skids aren’t having it.

Who benefits from this? What good can come of it?

I don’t see why the ex would want to do this to the kids. What’s wrong with expanding their circle? Can they have too many friends, too many positive experiences? And how do I get my family to back off? Because they’re literally criticizing me, for not handling this somehow. 

Comments

Iamwoman's picture

This is exactly why I stand firm in my belief that this 50/50 crap so popular nowadays is hogwash.

Kids need one stable loving home. The other parent should have visitation if it can be done in a civilized manner, but never with high conflict cases. Sometimes I think it’s better to grow up with a mostly absent parent than be dragged through the court system throughout childhood.

Now new research is emerging that when children under the age of two are made to spend even one night away from their primary caregiver, there is a good chance they will develop lifelong attachment issues. Of course, it will take years for this research to have affect to the court system, and by then we will be dealing with an entire generation of effed up kids.

Im glad you had a well adjusted blended family.

Solidshadow7's picture

The BM is jealous that she will lose her role as "mom" if you are considered family. The BM is afraid that if the skids have a good relationship with your family, they won't need her or her family anymore. My BM actually once said that love is a finite resource, so the more people you love, the less you can love them all because love runs out. Go figure. Of course no good can come from it, its horrible for the skids.

I would recommend having your DH explain to the skids that the more family they have the better off they are. And explain that sometimes they need to worry about doing what's best for them even if that isn't what's best for mom. And there should be a zero tolerance policy for anything that remotely resembles disrespect towards you. Every time they disrespect you in some matter even if its subtle your DH should react the same way he would if they disrespected him or any other family member.