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My soon to be bf has a 3 year old son.

HoneyHernandez's picture

Hi everyone,
Im new to this site, but I found that all the other sites I could find were all about bm's and all they talked about was treating the new gf's and wives bad. I thought ehh nah, I needed people to relate to. Any who, I am 21 years old and not a step-mom but iam soon to be with someone who has a son. It all started when I met him "Bf/Bd" online. I wasn't a fan of online dating but I decided to give it a try since so many people I knew has success in it. Months past and I would talk to some men , but all of them were immature. Thats when bf/bd wrote me. We hit it off so well and I instantly fell for him. He was handsome, smart cute, and he had no kids. Which is rare in the African-American culture. We exchanged numbers and texted whenever we could . Then we finally started talking on the phone. I fell heads over heels. We were so comfortable with each other, until the point where we would talk about serious topics. Like us starting a family together. One year past bye and we kept talking . Each day I was more and more into him. He lives all the way on the other side of the u.s. but we always promised we would be together when we saw each-other. Months past bye and we ended up losing contact with each other for 5 months. I got a new bf and I never knew what happened to bf/bd. But I would always think about him, like how he was doing. Well my new bf and I didn't work out, we hated each other after our relationship, he would call me names like fat and blah, blah , blah. So I found myself lonely, and depressed. Weeks later I got a text from bf/bd saying he missed me. I was so happy, because I thought he forgot about me. We went on talking that whole morning. It was like we never stopped talking.later that afternoon he texted me saying he had to tell me something. I held my breath and said "shoot" and then thats when he told me he just had a baby. Omgosh you guys, I was soo crushed. I couldn't believe this was happening. He was the man I shared dreams with and now hes sharing them with someone else. I was furious. He told me him and her are just friends and they knew each other for a while and they were having sexual intercourse before me which I didn't believe. He told me he still wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him too and I didn't want to judge him, because my brother has a baby and I wouldn't want anyone judging him. So we continued talking. He told me he still wanted a family with me and I believed him. We became inseparable again. Then the next year I decided to vist him for the first time ever! I was nervous, excited and scared. We plan this whole thing how I was going to meet his family and friends and I was really happy. Well , I stayed in his home town for 6 days and didnt see him. The last day he told me he was sorry, but I didn't wanna hear it. I went home heartbroken. The next day was his birthday and I texted him happy birthday and he his response was sorry baby. And just like that I forgave him. He told me he couldn't see me because SS3 got sick. So I was like ok. We kept talking and we told each other how much we wanted each other. The next year was here so fast , its been 3 years. Which marks this year. This year has to be the worse year for us. Now all of sudden he told me he slept with his bm last year and the beginning of this year with no protection, and I was like wtf she can get pregnant again , but he said nothing. So I decided to do me , and go on dates. I ended up sleeping with an old friend who ejaculated in me that night. I took a test 3 weeks later I was pregnant. I was so upset. I told bf/bd and he screamed at me and told me I was dumb and irresponsible. I told to fuck off because he has done worst. Then later he told me if I did have the baby, he would be supportive. My heart melted. Weeks down the line I found out I wasn't pregnant I actually took an expired pregnancy test. Bf/bd was happy . In april he decided to come see me in my homeland and then he quickly change his mind because what happend with me and the other guy. I told him that wasn't fair, we fought everyday since april. We finally made a plan that neither of us were going to sleep with anyone else , or go on dates or whatever if we wanted to be together. I liked it. We planned on me coming to see him again this year, I don't mind because I love his hometown , but recently we've been getting into agruements again about ss and bm. Im sorry but im tired about hearing about them. I always wish we would've been responsible 3 years ago. And he hangs out with bm a lot, even without their son. He tells me he wants to be with me,he tells me im beautiful, and im his baby girl which makes me feel so good inside he tells me he wants to make a family, he even talked about marriage. But idk, I love him soo much. And I know if we ever met id love him more. But whenever we don't talk about ss he thinks im selfish. So we fight more now. Idk what to do, should I meet him and see how it goes or should I just leave? Please help.

Comments

smomof2's picture

I was 21 once and made stupid mistakes, I wish someone smacked me in the head. I'm also a romantic at heart and normally will not tell someone to not give a relationship a try but...YOUR ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS MUCH DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!! Besides after 3 years and you haven't met the guy in person and yet you want to be with him? Sweety, if he cared for you, and you're his "baby girl", he would not have asked you to meet him in his hometown, he would come to you. And let's say you chose to go to him, he would have made time to meet you. You spent your time, money, travel and stay within a few miles of him and not once in a 6 days he can carve out a few minutes to see you? This doesn't sound right to me.

You're 21, childless-enjoy your 20s, wait for a man who respects you and your time. Someone who will treat you right and not just words. Actions do speak louder than words and this guy's actions are saying he doesn't give a crap about you, just dragging you along.

Good luck to you

somedevilishbeauty's picture

sound to me that he is still with BM just doesn't want to admit it to you, he "wants to see you but always has something come up" sounds fishy to me.

MamaDuck's picture

Just leave. Wish him the best with his life and then delete his number and block him!

Then spend your time building your self esteem and self worth so you don't get taken for a ride like this again.

I met my SO on online dating, he came to my town (two hour drive from his home) to meet me after three weeks of talking, in fact! A couple of other guys came to my town to meet me for coffee, one guy lived 4 hours away. I don't buy his excuse for not going to see you when you had made the effort to go to his hometown.

smomof2 has some really wise words!

Anne Boleyn's picture

Yup

the_jaded_step-mom's picture

RUN. Do not walk, RUN AWAY.

I'm so sorry to tell you this, but like everyone else, I agree that you've been played. And this dude is a sick twist. I know you've talked, probably exchanged pictures, but who knows if the pictures he sent are even HIM? This "man" has had his fun pulling your chain & it's time to put a stop to it. NOW. Honestly there's no telling what his real story is, though I agree that he's probably married & thankfully for you never had the balls to actually consummate your relationship.

There are no words for just how little I think of this man. To say I think he's an a$$ is an insult to the word.

Your young, you have a lot of time to find Mr. Right, a few of them actually, so it's time to send Mr. Wrong straight to the trash heap. Yes, it will hurt, you've spent a lot of time talking & getting to know this person, but it's best to end it.

I agree that you cut him out of your life. But I'd change your phone #, just to make it stick.

I'm sorry he did this to you, you deserve better. Now BELIEVE THAT & go find it.

oneoffour's picture

Ditto the above.

I met my DH online on a divorce support site. I visited the USA and he opened his home to me. He introduced me to his sons. HE was PROUD to be with me. HE indicated he didn't want to re-marry from the start and I accepted it for what it was and returned home.
He continued to contact me and within 9 months flew HALF WAY AROUND THE WORLD on maybe the chance I would marry him. HE didn't know for sure. He just hoped I would say yes.

This guy can't even spend a 1/2 hr with you when you spend money to come and see him.

If you want a man who loves you and cares about you he will fly half way around the world on the off chance you say yes to spending your life with him.

Just pay for a background check on him and then call it quits. Honey, you have spent 3 yrs on this man. He is not worth a second more. And do not contact him for 5 yrs. And I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't the only 'honey' in his life.

princessandthepee's picture

Are you serious? Do you really need anyone to say, "Not a great guy."

You can be nice, you can be sweet, but lordy you don't have to be stupid.

thinkthrice's picture

RUN, no, SPRINT away as FAST AS YOU CAN!! At your age there are PLENTY of CHILD FREE MEN, especially those that are NOT STILL MARRIED!!!

Think scary ghost voice: GET.OUT!!!!

This guy is just looking for a:

F-buddy
Free maid service
Free child care service
Financial support for him and his
Free scapegoat service

kathc's picture

I'm not saying anything new here, but RUM
RUN
RUN
Delete all his messages, block him from contacting you and don't look back.

Do you have any idea how many of us would never have gotten involved if we had any clue what we were in for?

You're too young to throw away your life.