New problem with SD14, so worried.
Yesterday, SD brought a bunch of her friends home and they were they for hours. It was a tough one. But ok.
The problem is , my daughter also brought a friend - they just wanted to pick up something and go out again,but SD and one of her friends ran into them on the stairs and it turned into a huge fight. As soon as I figured out it was my daughter who SD was yelling at (SD and her friends always yell in the house,except when FDH is around then they're angels, so I couldn't tell was it a real fight or just "playing around")I ran over there to them,but by then it was already over, SD looked pissed off, gave me then my daughter, then me again the killer look and walked away,her friend did the same and I almost exploded. Ok SD hates me, but is wrong with you? I'm nothing to you,why do you stare at me like that? But never mind,it's over. I asked my daughter what happened, she said nothing and went out again. Her friend looked desperate,like she wanted to tell me but my daughter pulled her away. I am really angry and in a way hurt-because I know that it upset my daughter and I hate when someone does something bad to her,she just doesn't deserve it. i don't know what am i gonna do with all of this.
I've been alone in the house today , haven't seen SD and that's the problem-I don't know what state is she in now and what happened between them. Daughter is at her friend's doing a project, FDH is with his brother in law talking about something (and I'm probably on the list to talk about too), and I have no idea where SD is.
I'm just very worried and upset and I had to share it. 
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I would have told SD that
I would have told SD that since she and her friends can't behave civilly in your house that the friend is going home and isn't welcome back for two weeks, and neither are her other friends. Same for your DD. Unless it was obviously one starting crap (and it sounds like sd was) then the punishment would only apply to one.
Unfortunately I can not
Unfortunately I can not discipline SD or tell her what to do.
And I will talk to DD when she gets back, to try to see what happened. If it's her fault she will for sure suffer consequences, but if it was SD's there's nothing I can do about it, and that's the problem- if SD is causing a problem I can't do anything.
Because I discipline my
Because I discipline my daughter, FDH his own. Well, he should, but he doesn't.
I've relatively recently moved in, she sees me as an intruder. And doesn't see me an authority at all.
So there's nothing I can do. And FDH probably won't, though even if he wanted he hardly could.
I know that there's not much that can be done, no help, I'm just ranting. Though if anyone has a good idea how to deal with this I'd be happy to hear-but it's not the main reason I posted this, it's more because this is the only place where I can vent. I feel that I'm hopeless and this can't be solved.
Thank you Well, SD does not
Thank you
Well, SD does not accept me or my daughter so it's not really "our" family, to her we're strangers, intruders.
Anyway, we can't come to an understanding about discipline and rules because we have very different ideas about how a child should be raised and for 14 years our daughters have been raised in a different way. We can't agree to a new set of rules that would be accepted by us both,and that would be truly accepted by the girls. I have been quite strict with my daughter, while FDH was not with SD.
Well I can't tell her that,
Well I can't tell her that, because if SD and FDH allow her to be in the house, she can be.
And the kid's parents don't really mind that as they're the same-all SD's friends are pretty much the same-spoiled, rude, and no one takes care of that but makes them even more privileged.
if you dont have any
if you dont have any authority with SD, then I wouldnt want to be alone with her. i understand they are older, but there has got to be some give and take there so she doesnt run all over you and your daughter. those dont sound like very good living conditions for you or your daughter. And if he sees you as an intruder, why did he move you in?
Next time it happens, video tape them, so he can address his kids behavior when he decides to come home.
He doesn't, she does. SD sees
He doesn't, she does. SD sees me as an intruder, not FDH.
He actually does know how she gets sometimes,but he sometimes says it's puberty, sometimes he says it's "childrens stuff" and that he won't get into that,or that her issues with her friends or classmates are not something he can sort out. Basically he gives her all the freedom to do act like she wants because it's her relations with people and her business.
The thing is,whenever he tries to adress any bad behaviour,she starts talking about how good she is (and actually she's good except to me and my daughter,and occasional unlucky person at school or outside) - her good grades, education, speaking a few languages, being ahead of her generation, being informed enough to take part in real conversations,having a vocabulary-she basically says "one mistake and you're all over me, but do you know how many parents wish their child was like me". Basically she's only bad to people she hates - me, my daughter and some others not related to this. She is respectful to her family,other friends, their parents. We live in a small town and everyone knows her as mature, responsible, kind and all grown up because she has two faces.
These definitely are not good conditions and I will move out if nothing is fixed in the future.
Why would you live with
Why would you live with someone who doesn't respect you as an adult to make the right decision? And I mean your SO here. Why would you live in an environemt that will only hurt your daughter and drive her away so you can live with this man and his offspring?
I only see trouble down the way if you cannot call either of the girls out. Or if he wants to disipline his own child then he should damned well do it.
When I moved in and married DH I moved in with my daughter (aged 16) She had to adjust to 2 stepbrothers she had never met before because we came form the other side of the world. If DH had not backed me up 100% I would never have moved in or married him.
This may be nice and easy for you but having some snot-nosed teen being an absolute bitch to your daughter is only going to make things worse before they get better.
Also you let some snot nosed teen look down on you in your own home? Seriously? I would certainly address these issueswith your SO and if he cannot agree with your conclusions then I would start looking for a calmer environment for myself and my daughter.
This man will not parent his daughter. She will get away with murder while your daughter will be held to a higher standard. I can guarantee it!
I can talk to my daughter and
I can talk to my daughter and sort it out, but I can't his daughter.
Well I don't really let her, there's just nothing to do. I talked to him about her behaviour but he says he'll fix it and then she just causes a drama and he gets over it.
She does not only shoot me
She does not only shoot me hate looks, she openly says she hates me and wants me to go away. She didn't at this time , but she usually does so asking her on the spot won't help,that's what she's waiting for. She's eager to fight with me. And gets away with it.
He has a problem, but he doesn't really see it because she's perfect in his eyes,and for real does not do anything bad that he can know,except this with me.
I heard that she told FDH once that she hates me, but he talked to her after it. Didn't help much. Actually at all.
She does not hate confrontation-she just waits that I say something so she can put up a fight. She WANTS to argue with me. If she can't, she gets bored. And tries to start it on the spot.
She finds every way and reason to make a problem with me- it's not just passive,she's open to me about how she hates me and wants me out of there.
We won't all go to counseling
We won't all go to counseling because FDH suggested it to SD, and she refused. He and I may go to counseling but I'm not sure how will that help with SD.
Uh, I hope he admits.
Would you live with a
Would you live with a roommate who allowed horrible people to overrun the house?
How can I take her friend
How can I take her friend down? I can't do anything to her.
Yeah I suppose that's what she's thinking - but she also wants out.
And she knows that I have no interest in replacing her mom or stealing her father- I told her and at the beggining I tried to be friends with her but she refused.
She does not care about my expectations,she wants me out.
She does not really toss demands-or do anything bad EXCEPT when it comes to me. She just wants me out. That's why he doesn't take it seriously-the only problem is with me.
She expects us to leave, me to leave her father,(or that he leaves me) and all of this to be over. That I know, I have been told. By her.
If I demand respect or I leave,she'll get worse, to make me leave. She wants me to leave. She'd be happy if I was gone,that's what she wants exactly.
I think that the only protection here is leaving but the idea of it breaks my heart, I love him so much.
I don't think you
I don't think you understand.
She's not afraid of me. Not SD, not her friends. They're not afraid of anyone.
There's no 911 here - I'm not from USA. We live in a small,underdeveloped country. People with no money and influence have no power over the ones who do. Her friends are as rich as she is and if I pressed charges,they'd get away with it. And nothing I can do about it. Her parents would make sure she has no consequences if she did something to me.
If I told her not to look at me that way again - she'd only do more stuff out of revenge,and then plus to that, she'd spread the word around that I threatened her. If her parents accepted that,and they would since their angel can do no wrong, no one would dare NOT to believe it.
I'm not control, that's the problem. if I had any power over this it'd be dealt with already.
Does it break his heart?
Does it break his heart? Because I can almost guarantee that if you explained to him that you require certain things to feel loved and "in the mood" and one of those things is to not have a bitchy teen and her friends disrespecting you that his attitude will change- especially if you hint that you are totally willing and ready to leave- you have to mean it though.
I can't remember if it was Stepaside or Mccoy or Ditzy-Or SAX... or someone totally different that I can't remember, but they explained it like this:
Women want men who are strong, in charge (within reason) and who handle their business
Dad being afraid of a teen? = NOT SEXY
Dad not handling his shit and appearing weak? = Not Sexy
Dad allowing SM to be bullied and not fulfilling his role as protector?= Not sexy.
See where I am going with this? Point it out and he may see it too... especially when you have a headache for a month.....
BOTH of you need to have your needs met.... I see you trying to meet his... what about yours?
Well if I made him choose
Well if I made him choose between having me and a daughter who'll be angry at him for a long, long time, or NOT having me, but having her love hiim and be all happy, he'd choose the latter.
I don't think he'll choose sex over daughter.
I don't want him to change because of "headaches" or sexiness, I want him to change because of me as a person.