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Eloping just the two of us

HogwartsIsHome's picture

Partner and I will be eloping either next year or the year after with just the two of us, no family or DSD 5. We'll be telling people upon our return. Has anyone else done this? What's the best way of explaining things to SD when we get back?

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fairyo's picture

In Fairyland eloping is a spur of the moment thing- ie a couple just go off and get married and then tell people when the deed has been done. It isn't something that is planned a year or so in advance- here that is a wedding to which you don't want to invite anyone. I would make up your mind which it is- if you want to run off and get married just do it- but if you want a wedding then it will be hard to either keep that a secret for such a long time or tell people you don't them to be there.

HogwartsIsHome's picture

It's just a term fairyo. But if it makes you feel better, we are off to get married in a year or two with nobody else there. For us it's not difficult keeping it a secret so that's not an issue.

fairyo's picture

Ok- but it isn't eloping-you're planning a wedding and not inviting anyone- so why tell us? I couldn't keep that secret for two minutes let alone two years!!

ESMOD's picture

I actually just read a "Miss Manners" about this and the couple were planning on going away to get married.. just the two of them.

Miss Manners said a destination wedding is when people come along.. what the writer was doing was planning an elopement (no guests).

dragonfly5's picture

Elopement...go for it. I was the wedding planner for my church for 20 years. I have seen it all.

Needless to say we went to Italy for 3 weeks...alone and had a ceremony there. No opinions, no family, no drama. It was amazing.

I wish you well and Congratulations!

WalkOnBy's picture

lighten up, fairy.

DH and I planned our courthouse wedding in advance, we had no problems keeping the secret, and we didn't tell any of the kids until after it was done.

I told my parents and two best friends the day before. DH told his parents and his sister (who lives out of town but happened to be in town visiting) the day before as well.

fairyo's picture

I know lots of people who have done this too- in fact I even thought of doing it myself. I just couldn't keep it secret, things are always coming out of my mouth that I can never put back in- seems I do it with ST posts too!

Acratopotes's picture

Why would you want to explain your adult decision to a child?

You simply say, oh by the way we got married when we where on holiday.. end of it

Acratopotes's picture

yes really.....

I simply do not get the new trend where children are known in adult decisions?
You and her father are together, you are engage, thus if you get married there's nothing to explain to her...

If you elope - which means no one knows when then you simply tell her on return we are officially married now.. end of it

if you plan a wedding then you simply tell her we are getting married this or that date, would you like to be flower girl or what ever...

HogwartsIsHome's picture

That makes a lot of sense. I don't think she should be involved in adult decisions, I guess I just over thought how we tell her.

lieutenant_dad's picture

We didn't elope, but we had a quick turnaround wedding. We just told the boys, "hey, we're getting married at the house the next weekend you are over." They didn't seem to care that we were getting married, and within an hour of the ceremony being over, they were begging to go to their rooms and get away from guests.

I think it's a bigger deal to plan something with lots of people and not invite the kids or know they can't come versus just going and doing it. I'm with Acra - you just tell her that you did it. If you don't make it a big deal, she probably won't either.

ESMOD's picture

When my Skids were about 8 and 11, we had a destination wedding in the USVI. We did not take the kids with us since it was a wedding/honeymoon. No other family or friend was invited so it was easy to say "this is just a trip for us".

Now, the kids and family knew we were engaged at that point and what the trip was for. I honestly don't remember any real hub bub about it with the kids..or even from BM. Now, we did NOT expressly tell BM any details.. when where etc.. but since the girls knew I am sure that SHE knew.

I think if a kid knows it's a "grownup" trip they can understand that part.

As far as the wedding... simply informing her that you got married because you love each other is enough. Have you been living together already? If not, I guess there is more of a transition for her (esp if you have kids too)

HogwartsIsHome's picture

That's why we want it to be just us as it's a combined wedding / honeymoon.

Telling her that seems the most straightforward way

We've been living together for about a year and a half now.

ESMOD's picture

If you have been living together... she knows you are "together"... I am also assuming that she knows you are engaged (or what passes for knowledge in a 5 yo lol).

Unless you think you will get some advance blowback from the BM/EX.. I might tell her that daddy and HWIH are going to get married on the trip... If you think that BM might try to cause a dust up.. tell her after. "surprise, we made it official on our vacation".

I know my parents took many trips without my brother and myself when we were younger.. so I don't think leaving her behind for this is a problem... especially since no one else is coming either.

Shoot, at our wedding, we had to get some people sitting on their veranda to sign as witnesses.. lol. no idea who they were.

HogwartsIsHome's picture

Haha I think we'll have to do similar about witnesses.

I can just imagine the fuss BM would cause if she knew in advance. SD doesn't know we're engaged yet. We haven't seen her yet but also we haven't told anyone at all yet, we wanted to just enjoy our new status for a little bit. We will of course tell her very soon, probably next time we see her tbh.

TinyDancer's picture

We were planning a bbw and then realized that it wasn't what we really wanted, so, City Hall and my uncle as witness. We all had a 'don't tell, don't ask' policy in place with the skids, and they've never asked. Not even 18 years later.

strugglingSM's picture

I really wanted to do that. I think it's much more complicated getting married as a SM (especially a childless SM) and I didn't really want to deal with that. We had a traditional wedding that was not a destination wedding, but was a flight away, since it happened where I'm from, not where we live. DH and I took out a wedding license in our home state and almost got married in a court house prior to our actual wedding, because we weren't sure BM would let him take the kids in time for us to get a marriage license in my home state (we needed to get it three full business days before the wedding). The days before the wedding were also filled with entertaining SSs, so I really couldn't count on DH in the lead up to the wedding. DH was almost late to the wedding rehearsal because he lost track of time with his children. Also, because it was DH's second wedding, there were only seven people there from his side, it felt like it was my wedding, not our wedding. Other than the actual dinner, where DH and I sat at our own table, DH spent most of his time sitting with his children or small group of family members, so I did feel like I wasn't totally his priority even on our wedding, but maybe that's good prep for being a stepmom...

I'm not sure what we would have told SSs. Maybe told them that we were married and showed them a picture of the ceremony.

ESMOD's picture

It was my 2nd and my DH's 3rd (yeah.. I give him a hard time about that still..lol)

I didn't have kids (still not). My dad is not social and since I grew up military.. I'm not "from anywhere" and my mom was starting to have some issues with cognitive abilities and honestly, I felt like a wedding was a party for everyone else. Instead we went away and spent time snorkeling, deep sea fishing and eating great food in a tropical location.. just the two of us. It was a trip all about US.

HogwartsIsHome's picture

That sounds so amazing!! Which part of the states did you go to? Haha I can see why you gave him a hard time!

ESMOD's picture

We went to St. Thomas.. (meant the "we" US..not the states "US" lol).

We have taken lots of trips up and down the eastern seaboard though Key West to Maine. Some with his girls... some not.

ESMOD's picture

Well, you could go to Spain:) That's where I went back in the 80's when I was living in Germany in High School. I always have loved the beach!

HogwartsIsHome's picture

I didn't mean big deal in a bad way:) We originally looked at NZ but we want to keep our options open so want to explore all the different places, how much it costs, how easy it'll be etc.

ESMOD's picture

There are lots of options I guess.. I've always wanted to visit Australia or New Zealand myself but never got the chance.

I guess at the core of it, you want to go somewhere that you can do things you both love. For my DH it was deep sea fishing. He fishes commercially.. but loves to do any kind. A bus man's holiday so to speak.

One thing I did was research the laws on getting married at the foreign locations. You would be surprised at some of the advance requirements some places want.. even medical tests etc... We coordinated with a destination wedding company even though it was just going to be us since they could help coordinate all the paperwork, location etc...

HogwartsIsHome's picture

That sounds bloody awful!! I understand that kids need attention and all that but the bride or groom and the wedding should really be the priority.

Sorry to everyone else if that sounds selfish but I want us to be the focus of our day, not trying to entertain a 5 year old (well, will be 6/7 yr old by then) saying "I'm borrrrrred" every 5 minutes.
I think if we weren't eloping it'd be easier as SD would have lots of people around her to occupy her. But that's not an option for us so we'd rather make it just the two of us. Plus I think it'll be a lot more fun.

strugglingSM's picture

Yeah, I was a bit annoyed the whole time. Even after when DH and I were supposed to be taking pictures together, we had to let SSs come along so they wouldn't feel left out. We also spent way more money in the week leading up to the wedding than we should have because every day before the wedding, SSs had to be taken somewhere and entertained by DH. Nothing like coughing up another $1000 for random excursions and treats before the most expensive event of your life.

Even with others there to entertain them, SSs still wanted to spend time with DH. There were also other kids at the wedding and I was hoping they would be social and talk to them, but they didn't. They just sat at DH's family table looking bored. One danced with DH's family and with me and some members of my family. Also, SIL made a big show about hanging out with SSs because according to DH, she didn't want them to feel left out. That same SIL did not say one word to me the whole time. My SSs were 10 at the time, so old enough to know that not everything is about them.

Finally, it still irks me that DH was almost late to the rehearsal dinner. He acted like I made a big deal about it for nothing, because he still managed to make it on time, but seriously, texting your bride to say, you're on your way but stuck in traffic, is not the right way to get off on a good start. He was almost late because he just had to do one.more.thing with his kids after a day where he was off by himself entertaining them all day. God forbid his kids should be told that the week is not about them or that they learn how to be patient and courteous of others. It's not as if they weren't being treated like kings the whole time. They had fancy adult dinners almost every night (DH refused to let them get the children's option at either the rehearsal or the wedding) and my parents and my family bent over backwards to make them feel welcome. My mother even bought a fun game for them to play one evening and bought all kinds of special treats for her house. I bought them all kinds of clothes to wear (since BM supplies no clothing ever) and we even took them on a day to the beach, two days before the wedding.

secret's picture

She's 5. She won't understand, or care. You say married, she'll picture big white dress disney crap.

Don't even bother... just go about your day.

Eventually she'll overhear you guys refer to each other as husband/wife, she'll have questions... oh we've been married since you were 5, you were too young to remember.

it's none of her business anyway.

justkeepstepping's picture

We got married on vacation. It was planned. DH's family lives in another state. I didn't want a wedding, but he did. First marriage for both of us. It was supposed to be a simple back yard wedding. It ended up being a short sweet outdoor ceremony and indoor reception at a local historical museum.

DH's mother planned and paid for everything. She never have had a girl and was ecstatic with the chance to plan a wedding. We used a Minister that was buddies with DH's dad and SM. He was a biker had a long white ponytail and beard and wore a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals to the ceremony. Biggrin You should have seen MIL's face.

BM had NO idea we were going to get married. She knew we were engaged. We had a short engagement, only about 4 months. Our families knew and knew not to put anything on social media or tell anyone. We picked up the kids and headed to DH's home state. All 3 of our kids sat up front beside the minister.

When we returned home from vacation we stopped to drop skids off. BM and GBM were outside waiting for us. Both skids just out of the car shouting that Justkeep and dad got married! I will never forget the series of expressions that came across their faces.

ETA: DS was the only member of my family there.

twoviewpoints's picture

I doubt the kiddo notices a thing. You've been living together for about a year and a half. That one was the big adjustment for her...the having you completely being in her father's world and her life when she's with father.

From then until now, you simply are. 'Are', being part of her little world. All the engaged recently and someday to marry is *yawn*, you already are in her head.

If you were having a wedding with family and friends at home in your locale , sure. She could build some excitement with all the wedding plans. But that's not happening. Daddy and Hogwart are going off on holiday which is an usual event (sometimes with her, sometimes not) and then Daddy and Hogwart are coming home and life goes on.

Sure, when you get back Dad and you can sit her down and say 'Sweetie, we got married'. But you are perhaps going to hear 'oh, I thought you already were' or something similar from out of the mouth of babes.

Congrats on your engagement. Enjoy it right up until you do get married and BM finds out, Lol. SD isn't nor will she be the issue, the problem will be when BM realizes you are married and not going away. Wink

queensway's picture

I think every couple should have the wedding that they want. So if eloping or planning a destination wedding for 2 is what you want go for it. Have a happy engagement till you decide when you want to plan that date.

DaizyDuke's picture

The kid is 5. I'm assuming you are already living together? There is nothing to tell her, you don't need her approval and to be honest, I can't imagine a 5 year old would care about the specifics of having a marriage license.

WTF...REALLY's picture

You just simply tell her when you guys get back that you got married. She may have a couple questions and you answer and everybody moves on.

Most likely the BM is the only one who’s gonna cause problems.

The BM in my life invited her self her boyfriend her mother and the mother‘s boyfriend to my work and my current husband. And she is crazy. But at that time, years ago, my husband still intimidated by her and didn’t know how to tell her no and it was a destination wedding as well. So no freaking way she coming. I had to uninvite her. Talk about awkward. Her mother still brings it up but I uninvited them.