Feeling Quite Lost
Previously, I wrote about the blow up my fiancé and I had over a few relatively small things. (See the entry titled “The Resentment Runs Deep.”) I calmly discussed exactly what I wrote to be met with silence for several hours afterward. Eventually, he opened up, expressing defeat. And now there’s a cold silence that makes me want to pack up and run 200 miles back to my hometown... the one I left to be here.
It’s crazy how you can hold things in. You just “know” you’re doing good until you figure out denying yourself continuously builds a ticking time bomb. I’m beating myself up for not drawing lines in the sand sooner. Still, I’m slightly proud of myself for finally sharing my thoughts so assertively. Then, I swing back to the enmeshment and dependence on his approval. Then, I think about how my happiness could be at stake. Then, I wonder if I should’ve even opened my mouth. It’s maddening!
He tearfully admitted he failed, too. He finally acknowledged my efforts to forge and maintain three complicated relationships at once (with him, my son, and his daughter). He also confessed that being wrapped up in his business — even on weekends — has caused us to sacrifice much-needed quality time. He says he sees how my maintaining the household has put my dream-chasing on pause. In the same breath, he says he owes his daughter some quality memories and he has to work like this for the next couple years to achieve his dreams career-wise. Finally, he says we just met at the wrong time in our lives.
So I’m still left with a “less than” dynamic. I am not his daughter. And I am not his career.
On a side note, we went over that 5 Love Languages book several months back. His two languages are physical touch and acts of service. Mine are words of affirmation/encouragement and quality time. I see now that I’m getting neither one of mine (until thise acknowledgements he offered tonight). He did offer encouragement on my looks, cooking, etc. But it feels like many of those things that were important to me that I was striving for were overlooked. And now I’m wondering if I met his love language requirements? Does it even matter?
I’m so confused and homesick. I’m just ready to go back home to the coast and sit on a pier. And then I think, “Wouldn’t it be nice if he followed after me?” Sad.
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I'm proud of you for
I'm proud of you for expressing your thoughts so assertively and you should be too. I'm sad for you that his response was so hurtful. It does seem like you and your relationship come after his daughter and his business. That is not the way it should be.
Have you considered therapy? If he was willing to read the "The five love languages" with you, that shows some willingness on his part to make things work. A therapist might be able to help you both work through this. At the minimum, you should consider some therapy for yourself. You do have a lot of resentment that you need to deal with.
The one thing that stood out to me from your previous post was the fact that his daughter "pokes and prods" at both you and your son. How miserable is she making his life? In your June post you mentioned she lied about you. Your son is in a bad place if she decides to lie about him. If her behavior doesn't change, would he be better off if you moved away?
I am so sorry that this is keeping you up late. It is obvious that this is all weighing heavily on you and I give you a lot of credit for starting to deal with it. Keep posting, you will get some great advice on this board and more people will chime in once the work week starts.
I’m pretty much leaving this
I’m pretty much leaving this situation. He’s already made it clear he’s not the type to go to therapy. And my anger flares up so often now. I can’t even say his daughter’s name without him shutting down. I told him he did this to himself though. And one of these days, when his daughter is married with kids and only visits at Christmas, he’ll be like, “Damn. I let a bad @$€ person like Here Comes Treble go because I had to have it my way.”
Pretty much, I told him I was tired of being used as a taxi, tutor, etc. with little appreciation or authority. Of course, he threw back all he does — which is a lot, I admit — but I won’t be made a slave/outcast in my own home. Tonight, he brought up my son’s messy room, but his daughter has had a basket of WET clothes in the laundry room for over a week now? There’s your sign. The minute I point out his rose-colored glasses, he says, “I can’t take this anymore. You should just go. Because I won’t have someone hating on my daughter all the time.” Really? Putting her in her place is hating? The crazy thing is, he’ll shut it down if she’s outright. She knows this, so she’s sly. And when I tell her to watch her tone or get off her high horse, I’m just being a bitch. If he’s so worried about it, he should teach different than he has been thus far. Teach her she can’t make snide comments and get way with it all the time.
Oh wait. You have to do that yourself first! It’s monkey see monkey do.
And he says he wants to give her memories that aren’t depressing? How is that my problem? He’s rarely home! And then he says I only start this when she’s here. Well DUH! The attitude and remarks and holier-than-thous don’t exist here when she’s at her mom’s. (Here’s a fun factoid: she hasn’t been here since yesterday! So there goes that claim.) But she’s a “good kid” in his words. Yep. She’s so good, she tells me she has other things to finish when I ask her to do something. She’s so good, she tells people I’m there to cook or clean (or — her words — I could move out). Now that I mention these things, I see exactly where she gets it all from. It’s exactly what he’s dishing. It’s eerily familiar to what I’m hearing from him now.
Rant over. For now.
Neither one of you are ready
Neither one of you are ready to communicate because you are both angry and you both feel like you are right about the situation. Of course you want to run since no one wants to continually get an emotional beating over things you feel are out of your control. No one would stay if there was a guarantee of no change but hope is what keeps many of us there and actual change would secure the deal.
As I wrote to you yesterday, you are the only one who can change. You have complete control over that. It's hard and uncomfortable. Your FH may or may not change along with the changes he sees in you but if you don't get your own happiness sorted out the situation will fail on both sides. I have lived what you described...I am certain most of us here have....same arguments, different topics. I am not saying you are wrong as how you feel is valid but understand that same validity applies to your FH as well. I would even go as far to say that some of your anger at SD is based on the fact that you get no backup from FH. I am sure she can add to the anger in the situation because of the support of her father when he feels you have treated her unfairly but ultimately, he is the one teaching her how to treat you. Your anger has prevented you from teaching them what you will allow.
You must decide if trying again will be worthwhile for you. No one here can answer that. If you decide to stay, you will need to see yourself from FH's eyes. I made many mistakes that I had to own. Stephen Covey wrote "Seek first to understand and then, to be understood". This quote has never failed me in any situation. Understanding where your FH is coming from will answer many questions for you and help you to understand if real change is possible. Please don't change to make him change. Change yourself to find your own peace of mind because if you don't, you will continue to be battered around by the needs and emotions of others. Get those feet planted in your core beliefs and get strong in your boundaries. You will not be the same person as when you and FH met and that is okay because you will be the person who knows what she will tolerate and will not let others demean her.
The big fat sign is that he
The big fat sign is that he puts his daughters happiness ahead of yours. Some men shouldn't get involved with women because they elevate their children to adult status. OK, if this is the way you want to raise your kids, fine. But do not rope in someone else as a bed warmer. Just be honest and pay for it and the housekeeper and Uber service.
Pack up and move home. 2018 can be your year to shine ... or not. Your choice. This man has made it clear you are not a partner but a convenience. Although my parting shot would be ... "So you want your daughter to have great memories. The only memories she will have is of her father always working because that is all you do. In a couple of years she will want to hang out with her friends, not her father. I hope your money keeps you happy. Oh and that smell in the laundry room is Mary's wet clothes. It has been there for 4 weeks now so may be too mouldy to recover."
If he told me" you should
If he told me" you should go", I would burn rubber outta there. Don't look back.
If he told me" you should
If he told me" you should go", I would burn rubber outta there. Don't look back.
This old adage seems to ring
This old adage seems to ring true here:
"You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you."
New year, new chapter in your life.
There's nothing wrong with
There's nothing wrong with the ma n wanti ng to make his daughter his priority while she is growing up. I get it because I did just that with my son. And I do not reget it one bit.
This man's mistake was not making his intentions crystal clear prior to getting married.
Sometimes when people break
Sometimes when people break up it doesn't mean that he or she is a bad person. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. And who know what will happen in the future, you paths may cross again one day later on in life. Take care.
Treble, I have been thinking
Treble, I have been thinking about your posts the last couple of days. And now this update, well, I am acting like that you are my best friend in real life, someone I have known since I was 10 (and I am 43 now). I would tell you in all honesty, just go girl . Leave now. Take your kids and go. I get the compulsion to be mean, snarky, get the last word in, etc. But just leave. No drama. Just peace.
This wasnt meant to be. If my 43 year old self could tell my younger self whats what, I would do it.
I had a coworker who had divorced, a very smart and educated woman who never lived with anyone until her daughter aged out. Back then I didnt understand why,but now I do. I would do the same thing should something happen between my husband and me.
Life is hard enough. I would leave now, and follow my dreams. Go to that pier, and see where you want to go next. I wish you the best!
He sounds like a coward. Too
He sounds like a coward. Too cowardly to end the relationship. He's relying on you being the actual adult of the situation and ending it so he can say you were the one who left. All you can do is look out for you and carry on.
Not only did he say, "you
Not only did he say, "you should go," but he said you just met at the wrong time in your lives, so, as painful as this may be to read, it sounds like he's written off the relationship in his mind. I agree with these posters who are telling you to listen to him and go. My guess is, the hardest part will be actually packing your things and leaving, and, once you're gone, you'll start to feel free from the bonds of this "no win" toxic relationship. Don't worry about him waking up one day and wondering "what could have been," and don't look back. Instead, keep in your mind how AWFUL things are now and will be in the years to come with this man if you stay and how much you have to gain. The New Year is the perfect opportunity to make this change, and I hope for your sake you do it.
When people tell you the
When people tell you the truth... believe them. He told you that you are not a priority to him and will not be for the foreseeable future.
He said you met at the wrong time in your lives. Perhaps, another time another place it would have worked, but right now, he doesn't have room for you (or perhaps any relationship) in his life. I would move back 200 miles and thank him for his honesty and wish him a happy life.