Well, the $&!@ hit the fan
Tonight, SS13 had a ballgame. (Given what's been going on, I would have said no baseball, but DH is big on responsibility and commitment and insists that he go regardless. Whatever.) I wad to meet them there. As they pull into the park, SS (who had been surprisingly cheerful and chatty) said "we passed X restaurant. That's where I'm eating with BM and her parents tonight. They're coming to the game."
DH is like "say what?!"
SS told him it was on a text string that day (DH lets him have his phone for school).
DH was dumbfounded and SS trotted off.
After the game, SS tells DH he can just drop him off. DH says nope. I didn't hear about this until tonight and you're in a punishment, so, no.
SS got upset and they argued some, with SS point-blank telling FH he likes BM better and likes her house and family better.
We've known that, but it still hurt DH to hear it.
They got home and SS stomped upstairs to shower. DH filled me in, then BM called to see what was going on -- SS texted her and asked her to pick him up.
DH told her there was no big problem, but here was what happened. She got defensive, said her dad included SS on that text by mistake. But apparently, it was sent a week ago. So, SS was holding onto it and dropped it on FH last minute, thinking he'd get to go. Of course, no one mentioned it to DH at all. He told her "Look, if it were a normal week, when he wasn't in trouble and someone had actually asked me, I would have been fine with it. This week? And being told? No."
He reamed SS out pretty good about putting parents against each other, lying, general attitude, etc. SS ate and went to bed, still fuming because he didn't get to go to the restaurant and his mom didn't come get him.
DH is on the phone with her now. (He thought it would be easier without me in the room.) No clue what's being said. I hate it for DH, who is really struggling. (He was given up for adoption as a newborn and then, after finding and bonding with his bio fam, abandoned by them again -- so he has some abandonment issues.)
All I can do is try to be supportive. And not say "I knew this was coming. Saw it years ago."
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Comments
Ugh. I'm sorry he has to deal
Ugh. I'm sorry he has to deal with this caca. To quote a movie, "It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable." You know its going to end badly, but you can't get off of the horse.
Oh yes, BM loved to walk up
Oh yes, BM loved to walk up to DH at sporting events and, in front of SS, mention some event her family was holding that weekend (DH's weekend) and then walk away and let DH deal with the fallout (SS being upset and accusing DH of preventing him from seeing BM's family). BM would always play dumb ("I didn't realize he would get upset"), but she knew exactly what she was doing, especially because SS never wanted to miss out on anything. MIL loved to do the same thing, ask SSs if they would be around for some family event, when she knew it wasn't happening on DH's weekend and knew that BM would never agree to "extra" time unless she could extract something from DH.
Classic PAS move
Tempting kid with activities they will be having when at the other parent's house. Right out of the HCGUBM playbook.
smh
smh
I would estimate that BM was fully behind SS knowing about his WombGPs plans. Based on the experiences of so many STalkers with nearly verbatim examples, the odds of this being an unscripted even are slim and none.
Good on DH for not tolerating this Skid going with mommy and WombGrandPa and WombGrandMa.
Though I were your DH, that kid would not be anywhere near an exctracurricular activity and I would have had him standing in front of his coach and team mates telling them all exactly why he would not be playing with the team. Responsibility is a lesson taught by discomfort and humiliation in front of coach and team. Not in being rewarded with playing.
I agree about the game. But
I agree about the game. But not my call.
I know it is not your call.
I know it is not your call. It just irritates the crap out of me that you have a valuable perspective that is not valued by the man who is not only creating the problem, he is facilitating the continuation of the problem.
DH needs Dr. Phil to lay on the ""How is that working out for you?" hairy eyeball on him.
I know that your ss is
I know that your ss is pushing agaist rules and being a little turd, but these behaviors are within the normal range of teenage behaviors. Even saying he prefers his mother's family in the heat of an argument - that is a very normal "I hate you dad" teen moment.
I'm not saying that he shouldn't have consequences for his actions. Just that there is no need to blow this up to be more than it is and panic. He sounds like a normal kid to me, trying to see what he can get away with, thinking he can outwit everyone and asserting his independence by pushing back against his parents. All normal for a teen.
I would agree to an extent,
I would agree to an extent, and I've told DH that pulling away at this age is normal. But there are other factors. Some of this stuff way predates his teen years. And the different parenting styles and beliefs are complicating things a bit.
We'll see how it all plays out. I'm doing my part to make sure DH doesn't catastrophize. But I think it's also smart to be prepared for things to get worse -- and possibly litigious.
I'm glad you're there as a
I'm glad you're there as a voice of reason. Step dynamics make everything more complicated.
Back in the day.....
Disrepect was not tolterated even with "normal teen behavior".
The lippy bullshit this kid pulls would have had him assuming the position to be introduced to a belt, then he would spend countless hours alone with nothing but literary classics to read.
I never once told either of my parents that I hated them. It would never have entered my mind. Sure, I got mad at them, but.... the standards of behavior that we were raised within did not grow those thoughts. Even if we would have had those thoughts, disrespecting our parents would not have happened.
Funny how shit parenting returns spawn with shit behaviors.
DH would have been grounded
DH would have been grounded until the end of time. I would have gotten a very stern talking-to about how that hurt my parents' feelings, etc. (a talking-to was all it took for me). But it never would have even occurred to me to be hateful or disrespectful or disobedient. When I did cop attitude, I was called out.
DH is finally doing something about the attitude and rudeness. BM said he acts the same way with her and with her parents but they don't plan to do anything about it because he'll just grow out of it. DH and I are saying "what if he doesn't? There are already signs he's doing it with teachers, coaches and other adults. If he's never corrected, he may not even get how wrong it is to be so rude.
It's like the lying. SS lies. Frequently. Has for years. She just shrugs and says "everybody lies." Makes our job harder because he subscribes to the "I'm not doing anything wrong" way of thinking and sees himself as a victim.
Yep
Parenting is too kid centric and "soft" IMHO and doing kids no favors. It just reinforces to the kids that the kids are in charge which ultimately leads to insecurity in the child. When parents are not at the helm ... chaos ensues.
It makes me cringe when older adults think today's 21 year olds have all the answers. They lack wisdom and were never told "no."
Apparently the call with BM
Apparently the call with BM was a wash. He didn't feel like anything got resolved. He tried to stress that they need to try to get on the same page with things, but she just got defensive. She said it herself that SS lies regularly. DH said "well, that's something we need to work on." She was dismissive. When he talked about SS's rudeness, lack of gratitude for things and lack of remorse she responded that she didn't think that was an issue. (As in, who cares? But DH said she and her family are kind of rude, awkward, selfish people, too.)
She didn't seem to get that DH wasn't upset that her dad accidentally included SS on a text. It was that no one (including SS) said anything to him about the dinner until a couple of hours before.
DH also thinks she may have been recording. He heard odd clicks and she was being very careful with wording.
He was kind of emotional when talking to SS and when DH asked me, I told him it may have been better to talk to him when things were calmer. But he wasn't mean and didn't say anything bad or wrong.
Anyway, he suspects they may be planning something. He asked me to reach out to my lawyer sister for recommendations as his lawyer is now mostly retired.
We'll see.
Your DH would be well advised
Your DH would be well advised to record his conversations with BM and with SS. Within the confines of the law on the topic where ever you happen to live.
For us (Texas), we lived in a single party concent state so we could record any conversation we are part of without notifying anyone else. When we would roll those recordings out in court in SpermLand, the SpermClan would lose their damned minds. Yep, a fully legal recording because, we were in Texas. So, STFU and explain why you just lied about yet soimething else.
The Judge would usually shake their head and try to move the discussion on. We made sure that we had out questions to SpermGrandHag or the Spermidiot scripted to get t hem to lie. Then we would roll out the recording or a telephone call, or a rant on our answering machine, or the notarized journal entry, or the notarized print out of an email, or.....
They never learned. When they lied, we invariably had documented evidence of their lies. Even with the never ending ass baring of their bullshit, a drooling moron bottom 10%er of the legal community idiot in Harry Potter robes slinging a Fisher-Price toddlers wooden hammer would make some genious comment like "Any child would be blessed to have the love of this fine family."
He doesn't want to turn this into WWIII
With BM. BM is playing her own games. SS is playing one against the other. DH must take a 10 minute break and make sure ge consistent with DS. DS was on punishment, he was aloud to play ball because it's a team thing. Not Going out to dinner is part of the punishment . Of course BM wants to see her son. And doesn't care. If BM cared SS would not be like he is. She not teaching this kid anything
Apparently she repeated the
Apparently she repeated the old "y'all never do anything fun over there" trope. We do, just not as often, because we don't think he needs to go do fun things or get takeout every single day or weekend. They're special things. Except when we try to do something, it's a bust because BM or her parents have already done it with him a dozen times.
She also told DH we make him watch a certain tv show and he hates it.
1) We don't tie him to the couch. He's free to go elsewhere.
2) He had never given the slightest indication he doesn't like the show. If we had known, we would have reserved that for later evenings and kid-free weeks. If he doesn't tell us things, how are we to know?
Just frustrating. She and he keep getting upset with and critical of DH about things when he has no idea it's even a problem. It's a pattern: total passivity, then cries of victimhood. Same thing if he gets in trouble. It's someone else's fault entirely.
DH is calmer and more centered today. None of this should be a huge deal, but we suspect BM may make it into one. That's her MO: take something that doesn't have to be an issue and amplify.
This is Crazy's mantra also
You need to take SD to do FUN THINGS. Every wknd needs to be a party with money spent- Manicures, shopping, ice skating, movies, dinners out. Otherwise DH is a bad parent and doesn't love SD, and tells SD so. Jeez, I wonder why we are dealing with parental alienation?
I went back and read your other blogs also and this is veryyyy similar to SS-almost 18 (on Sunday) and how DH let most things go to avoid conflict, and now we are dealing with a VERY entitled, ungrateful man-child, and DH knows it. We went rounds about DH not enforcing punishments, allowing SS to get away with the food in the room, having electronics when he wasn't supposed to, DH doing everything for SS, all of the same crap, and it's all showing in a big way now. DH's words to me in a text today "I failed". Me "No" (Because I'm supportive). But also, I was afraid this would happen.
DH wonders why the SDs are so
DH wonders why the SDs are so self centered and entitled (but he doesn't use those words of course).
I always answer "Because no one corrected them or gave them consequences when the were younger, everything was just done for them." He's never argued that with me.
We are having issues with SS
We are having issues with SS almost 16. He has always been given everything and never ever told no. He has been disrespectful and acts like he is the best because he has been allowed to do so. Now he has lost all of his friends , didnt make the JV team (only the 9th grade team), still can't hit a ball to save his life and I guess a lot of people are telling him about his attitude. He has never known disappointment and now he is facing it . Since he was never parented he doesn't understand what is happening. He is now depressed and in Therpy. It is sad to see and I am worried for SS. I told SO that this would be happen a few years ago and now here it is.
Part of my concern about SS.
Part of my concern about SS. No one's been calling him on his rudeness and attitude (though DH is finally starting to do that). A couple of weeks ago, a teacher wrote DH to tell him SS's attitude was a problem. SS told DH he didn't understand what he did wrong when she got upset with him. DH was semi-defensive (as usual -- he's clear about SS's problems until someone else complains). I told DH I thought both could be telling the truth:
1 SS could be a jerk in class.
2 As his parents and grandparents don't call him on it, he may not understand that he's being a jerk. If no one tells him he's wrong, how will he know?
Remains to be seen if this starts to really bite him in the rear.