Getting tired of how wopsided things can be
We all know that our DH's are totally different towards his kids and I find even his friends he had before he met me. I feel like he's very protective of any of them. I can hardly say anything about a skid or even one of his friends without him jumping to their defense. Now with me, my kids, my family...it's the total opposite. He never has a problem saying what he truly thinks. Today I told him something that happened to a family member. My family member was beat up on, at college. He immediately started making fun of them. LOL...he was beat up by a drunk person! HAHA. He went on and on. Let me just tell you. It struck a chord. I kept telling him to stop. He pulls his card of "I'm just picking." Well, you know, I wouldn't think twice if that's who he was. If he picked like that about his kids, their friends, his friends, etc. But he doesn't. He only feels like he can do these things with my family. Now I'm a thinker. Now I'm thinking, this man isn't my protector. He wouldn't take up for me or my kids. All these feelings of I'm second to the people in his life before me seems confirmed. Does anyone else have this trouble or is my DH the only JA out there??? Awhile back we were playing a game with the skids. He made the comment to one of them, come on...bring a win home for the "Smith" family. You've got to keep it in the family (because I was winning.) I was like, Ummmm last time I checked, I was part of the Smith family. I truly think his brain thinks like I'm an outsider. If it's 7 years later and he still thinks this way, I don't think he will hever change his thought pattern.
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Your H sounds like an @sshole
Your H sounds like an @sshole. If you told him to stop making fun of your friend who was beat up and he continued, what does that say about him? Its ok for your H to comment about you and your family but get his panties in a bunch should you say something about his. Don't you see when he talks he still addresses things as two separate families. He doesn't seem to consider you a part of his. He segregates everything and that's probably why his kids may treat you with lack of respect because they don't consider you a part of their "family".
Yeah, that's not good, it's
Yeah, that's not good. It's very hurtful and I am sorry that he treats you this way.
My DH has always told me that I am his family, and he walks it everyday. He's not perfect but he truly cherishes me.
Oh wow... no... I don't ever
Oh wow... no... I don't ever feel that way and I am so so sorry you do!
Considering the culture of violence on so many campuses, a normal person would have responded with -- "How scary" "How awful" "Is he ok", etc. Not making fun of a victim. That is disgusting behavior.
As for the family name... We are really sensitive to the fact that 1/2 of our kids have a different name. There is no keeping it in the "____" family. We just have our family- together, all of us.
You DH is being a total jerk here. I don't have any advice except that you guys need to talk about this stuff.
The only part of this that my
The only part of this that my SO does is being hyper-defensive of skids. If I say something about a skid, even if it's just an observation not meant to be an attack, he interprets it as criticism of skids, and defends them. I always have to say, I didn't even mean it that way! That part is pretty normal, although exhausting. He doesn't extend the defensiveness to the rest of the family, only skids. I could say whatever I want regarding his family, and he would be fine with my opinion.
The rest is BS, plain and simple. My SO doesn't exclude me, and would never insinuate that I was not part of the family (and we're not even married!). If he was ever being an idiot and making fun of my family and I told him to stop, he would. Your DH has some growing up to do.
Either way, this would really bother me too. I would be extremely hurt, thinking I married into a family, only to be made to feel that I wasn't actually part of the family, and my DH was not my protector after all.
Wow, I know this site is a
Wow, I know this site is a place to vent, but, to be honest, your DH sound really awful. Every time I read your blog, I wonder what you're doing with him...
Does he have redeeming qualities? Does he support you in any way? Is he a good companion? Does he make your life beautiful or at least pleasant? Because the bad parts are really, really bad.
I do love him. What's really
I do love him. He turns around today after what he said this morning, sending me texts on how much he loves me and love songs. It's kind of confusing really. What's really crazy and weird, when the skids aren't involved or around, he's the most loving man. He's affectionate, loving, and caring. Put the skids into the mix and he turns into Mr. Defensive, my kids are my life. He has tons of daddy guilt, which he will NEVER ever admit. He deals with crap from his childhood. Apparently his parents went through a divorce and dad remarried when he was like 12. They are still married to this day, but I hear all the time about how mean of a step mom she was and how she was good to her kids but not the dads. Sound familiar? I feel like he overcompensates to his own children because he doesn't want them to ever feel that way. That's why I feel like the evil stepmother even though I'm not. We used to be soooo good together. Lately, I just see these things and they bother me more and more. I guess it wouldn't be as bad if I got on here and posted the good, but those days, I'm just enjoying it. Lol. It does seem that we argue at least twice a week now and it's over stupid trivial stuff that does not matter at all. We can't communicate. He says it's my fault. I feel it's totally his. He gets defensive over the smallest things and they lead to argruments. He never listens to my feelings about something. It all somehow gets turned back around to him and I'm looking bad. I know deep down it's bogus. I guess that's why I'm here venting. So that I don't start believing when he says 99% of the arguments are my fault. Deep down I know that they're not. I did make the step to make an appointment with a therapist. I want to go back to the one I saw from my first marriage. Of course she's booked through December! So, here I am. Venting to you guys!
Your H sounds very
Your H sounds very narcissistic, and him texting you all lovey dovely right after a blow up is classic love bombing behavior to draw you back in.
My OSD is a narc, and sees her children as extensions of her glorious self. Their accomplishments feed her need to feel important, and she needs to feel in complete control of them. Does this sound familiar?
My ex was mentally abusive
My ex was mentally abusive and violent. While I was with him I read a book about abuse and I highlighted parts that resonated with me that I felt were similar to my situation. I found that book a few years ago as I was cleaning stuff out and over half the book was highlighted, I was floored to go back and read about what I had been living in because when I was in it, it seemed normal to me.
No I don't think what he is doing to you is normal, but for him it might be, if he's used to abusing people.
So exactly what is there to
So exactly what is there to love about him?
also, I have to say - it's "lopsided".
I know how you feel
I cannot make an observation or even what I think is a helpful comment (like someone is out of toothpaste or looks like they are growing out of their shoes) without DH becoming defensive. Usually it’s that I’m picking on a kid or questioning his parenting. He also tends to go into broad strokes (like I think the child is all bad) when I’m talking about one specific topic (child has not been flushing the toilet).
But it’s totally okay to say the same things and more about my child. Part of it is that I am realistic about my child. I say things that are wrong or irritating. And though I’ve backed off saying anything much about the skids he seems to escalate saying derogatory things about my child for the same behavior his perfect children exhibited.
For example, we had an event tonight and he did not ask his children (who are late teens and home all night) to do anything around the house. However, if my child had been home (and especially if the skids had not been home), DH would have been upset my child didn’t do anything to help out...including that my child (also late teens) should have known to do things without being asked.
And he’s a nice guy and does the lovey stuff and it’s hard to explain how much he wants to control what I say and how I feel about his kids. Oh and we are only a team when he needs a bad guy, then we are a team (he’s the nice guy and I’m the bad guy).
Why??? Why are these men like
Why??? Why are these men like this? How do you cope? I’ve gotten to where I don’t even mention or discuss either of our kids. He even made the comment the other day being mad that I don’t ask about his kids. It’s far easier not to discuss them because I will say something that offends him! Mine is the same way. I asked one of the skids if they picked up their food bowl that they brought upstairs. I don’t even allow food upstairs but he doesn’t tell them no. Before she could answer DH snapped at me, she knows what to do! Then he will say something like, well your kids do such and such. In front of his kids. My kids only visit like twice a year but if I’m asking his kids to do something or not do something he immediately throws my kids into the mix. It’s so darn annoying.