Adult Children’s passive aggressive manipulation
I m looking for support and advice here....I am so tired of being an excuse for my stepchildren's dysfunction with their father. He divorced their mother 7 years before I met him. Between there and prior to me, he had a live-in girlfriend as well. No problems with that relationship I have heard, yet she up and left one day without explanation. I would be curious as to the reason. Their father and I have been together for 15 years since her and for 15 years, I have been the target of his children's abuse and jealousy. They can be downright cold and flippant about their behavior. For example, everytime they come here, they leave the dishes and their kids' mess and just leave. I used to just do the clean-up, but now? I have let him do it. My kids come, help with clean up after, etc, but his? no accountability.....ever. I expect respect when they come!! too. He is just too afraid to say something. for fear of losing them. I kid u not... it took him two days to finish cleaning up after them the last few times they were here. I mean, basic manners here!
They r also naturally worried about their inheritance, and my husband unfortunately shared our plan with them, and then he went so far as to change his will after his daughter complained about what I was going to get and when. I m hurt and feel betrayed as he did it behind my back. Why does he feel compelled to share our business? He apparently needs their approval. Not appropriate!
I am now in counseling for my own stuff, but, as I am learning boundaries, I m now even more vilified and my husband resents I am changing.
I have tried to be nice to those kids.... distanced when that didn't work....whatever I could think, of, but to no avail. Now? I m done being resentful and hurt. I deserve peace and happiness. He has literally told me to just put up with their bs to keep the peace. Aka.... be their doormat par usual!?! I just can't do it anymore. I literally have a visceral reaction.
I have two adult children of my own and have treated his like my own, but no matter what, inevitably, jealousy, lies and or exaggerations surface.
Dad gives lip service, and talks about putting our marriage first, but again, he eventually falls into that same old pattern of bs....excuses for their rude and bad behavior and has expected me to put up with it all to keep the peace. Aka, swallow it. Again, I can no longer take it physically. The stress is exhausting.
His guilt over not being around much as they grew up due to his work, is palpable. Their mother is an alcoholic and they now expect him to make up for lost time thru manipulation and/or denigrating me and then push that guilt button to get what they want. It always works.
They r all in their mid to late 30's with their own children, but most intersections with them leave me hurt and feeling used. They r nice to my face, but, I have heard eventually about their malicious gossip that was said behind my back.
I am sick and tired of feeling sad and angry.
I m in therapy with an awesome trauma therapist, but the healthier I get, seems my husband gets more and more resentful.
They play that same script, but I m trying not to react and entertain the drama.
How have others in the same situation handled this? I need some support and guidance here.
ty in advance! I m exhausted and feeling defeated.
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Disengage. I try my best to
Disengage. I try my best to never, ever mention the name of the stepdaughter who has annoyed me re inheritance.
Have been dealing with adult
Have been dealing with adult Narcassistic brats for years as well. My SO has finally woken up to their awful behaviour. These entitled adult skids have to be totally put in their place! Your SO is only thinking of his own needs and bending to the emotional blackmail of his manipulative kids. You have been with him 15yrs! He had a responsibility to you to make sure your taken care of in old age and not to be lining the pockets of self absorbed, greedy adults who are most likely totally unappreciative of anything they get.
. My SO used to be too open about our business as well although he would be manipulated into certain conversations in order for Skids to gain information which they could pass on to their sociopathic BM, allowing them to scheme and plot how to get rid of me and therfore gain the whole inheritance for themselves. We found out a couple of years ago that one of the SD's had been coming into our house going through our private stuff including our wills. Of course the other SD was in on it as well. Disgusting behaviour! Also going to her old grandfather who had dementia to get £4000 out if him. Well, needless to say it was a big wake up call for my SO. They unfortunately have turned out exactly like the BM who is just awful!
I would be furious if SO went behind my back and changed his will to benifit his toxic daughters. I would guess they've probably already had their 'inheritance' several times over throughout the years with demands for money etc. Your SO absolutely has to start putting you first and stop being manipulated by greedy, selfish entitled adult brats! In15yrs I'm sure you have contributed loads financially and also he owes you for all the nasty crap you've put up with all these years from his awful children! Have nothing more to do with them. Let you SO see how serious you are about this. Mine realised he'd be heading for divorce if he didn't start dealing with this and putting his wife first after years of me 'keeping the peace' and being mistreated. Disengage completely! Your metal and physical health come first now!
Yes, this. OP, why are people
Yes, this. OP, why are people that are rude to you allowed to be in your home for days at a time? That needs to end. Even if he cleans up after them, you shouldn't have to endure that.
You are right that when you get healthier, he will have to decide if he wants to make the changes you require to stay in the relationship, and that will make him resentful. It forces him to stop thinking only of himself and his selfish need to "not feel guilty" for things that happened decades ago, and start putting your needs ahead of the wants of his toxic kids.
He suspects (and is probably right) that if he doesn't cater to these users, they will have nothing to do with him. He will need to decide whether he's willing to continue this fake relationship with them and give up his marriage, or not.
My sd’s were 23 & 13 when they reinitiated contact
With daddy after disappearing and ceasing contact for over 5 yrs based on lies and bullshit their mum made up which they found out and never apologised to their dad for. They simply said "get over it!! It's in the past" like biomum gets a free pass for being a biatch.
That same day sd23 lectures daddy on his duty to indefinitely maintain cs for her while we had 2 kids already (1 & 2.5 yr old), sd had graduated uni and was so shit at finding a job she needed daddy to pull strings via his connections.
she has been in fulltime employment earning $3000 per month for over 2 yrs now and daddy is still guilted into paying $1000 per month.
oh and the same day she reconnected with daddy, she told him he needed to transfer a property he bought for them to live in which he bough after the divorce must be transferred into their names only
i made it very clear to my husband that if he was not gonna protect me and our 2 little kids who were yet to start school and make sure that we were financially provided for until they finished high school just like he provided for exwife and skids, i would walk because at least then i would guaranteed get financial support.
i also made it very clear that he needed to ensure immediately that i was not left in a position that should he die tomorrow, that i would be kicked out of our home by exwife and stepkids and fighting with them over his estate because he didn't see the importance of protecting us from the gold digging whore of an exwife and entitled skids.
my husband bought a home in my birth country its solely in my name, ex wife or skids cannot touch it. His life insurance policy has me as beneficiary, my husband also set up a savings acct for me and his 3 kids. He should be retiring early in a few yrs and then withdraw a large chunk to my birth country where he wants to retire.
when eldestsd found out daddy was withdrawing a large chunk of retirement savings to buy a home in my country of birth, sd24 was magically available for lunch and said the usual bs "its your monet to do what you want whilst you're alive so we won't get involved" then she asked daddy again to transfer that property into skids names only because he owes their mum for divorcing the abusive crazy bitch!!
oh and exwife believes she owns this home despite hubby buying it post divorce with his money and exwife never signing any purchase contracts but she believes she is a co owner and had eldest sd tell my husband that mummy thinks her marriage to affair hubby won't last much longer so she needs to hide all her assets so he can't claim anything as joint marital assets.
yup hubby #2 is the guy she was whoring around with whilst married to my husband. Hubbys care factor if her marriage possibly ending is "fuc* all!!"
i pre-empted and saw the way things were headed. There were stepmums here who called me selfish and i should suck it up and be financially responsible solely for my kids and not rely on hubbys estate and i'll be fine but hypocritically hubbys exwife has had the privilege to not work for the 14+ years of their marriage and the past 12 yrs since they divorced, but i'm expected to stand up on my own??
i am finishing my university studies by mid next yr and will be in fulltime employment, that income will be considered extra savings. If bio mum has the privilege of being a bum and passing sole financial responsibility of raising kids to my husband, well he can do the same here and contribute equally to our kids and not use my salary as a buffer
if he isn't happy, then he can tell exwife to take a hike.
i currently have 2 failure to launch kidults aged sd25 and ss22.5. Sd15 i expect to be much the same but since hubby will be retiring soon, when she is an adult, they're cut off.
hubbys contract may not get renewed next yr so will know this august, if he isn't getting renewed and relocates to my country, the adults are cut off immediately. Ss22.5 has spent the past yr waiting for his graduation cert because of covid lockdowns and just graduated last week.
my husband claimed he couldn't work as a delivery driver or something in the meantime because he could catch covid. Meanwhile i am locked down unable to leave my country and raising a 3 & 5 yr old on my own the past 1 year without my husband and could catch covid and be on my own and thats ok?? Nope i made it clear that lazy piece of shit ss get a fuc*ing job now!! Not after covid disappears
i told my husband me being a single mum raising 2 young kids has conditions in place too, he launches these failed adults immediately!!
Your DH is reacting to the
Your DH is reacting to the fact that he knows he has to work for SKs affection. But, now that you have established boundaries he has to work to make you happy as well.
You are not wrong in setting boundaries and expectations. You are DHs partner and deserve to be treated like a priority.
SKs are the ones who are wrong. DH already provided for them, cared for them, they are adults now. Realistically they should be at a point where they are able to love Thier father and show him appreciation for everything he has done for them.
They should be supportive of DH being able to enjoy his golden years and live his life as he pleases.
DH is upset because you are preventing him from living in blissful ignorance of SKs behavior and the type of people they are.
I suggest for your own mental health and to make your point. To plan time away from the home when SKs come to visit so DH gets the pleasure of their company all to himself.
You know why his last GF left
She saw the writing on the walls. His kids control him. She would not put up with that.
I hope you have separate your funds. So he's not spending yoir money on his kids. You also must make sure he has a retirement plan. Where he has his own retirement money. Not you will support him and his kids in his retirement.
After 15 years he must take care of you if he dieds. IDK how much money he has or how much ho to you and his kids?
Just be careful and make sure things don't change latter on or protected yourself