"He wants me to get up every single morning, get him up and make sure he showers (kid won't on his own normally), make him a hot breakfast of HIS choosing (the kid picks complex meals like omelets then eats two bites and leaves it all), and then drive him to the bus stop." :O

I suppose "KID...KID...(kid stumbles out of bed), here's your damn poptart, don't forget to use soap" , would cut it?

DH expects you to treat a 16yr old like a pampered royal prince or he will divorce you? His parents will then come every morning and do it? I guess we can safely assume this teen won't be going off to university and preparing for a career with the ability to thrive and support himself any time soon (or ever).

Then do it YOUR way. Maybe a stirring round of downloaded bagpipe music. It will get him up and isn't that the point? Or a military cadence (courtesy of iTunes). Then you have got him up.

Breakfast? 3 choices... nesqiik smoothie, pop tarts or a pre-frozen breakfast burrito nuked in the microwave.

Shower? Bucket of warm soapy water should do the trick. All over his bed if he fails to get moving within 5 minutes.

Seriously, he has issues. DH used to be like this. HE would wake his sons up 3-4 times before they got moving. Umm, NOT in my house. Kids got up and moving in time to get to school. DH argued they were used to sleeping in a bit and this was their routine. Okey Dokey. I went to work and DH bitched about being late every day. In the end I told him that he is creating his own problem and frankly I was sick of hearing about it. If he wanted to raise a couple of girly boys who needed to Daddy to wake them for school because the invention of the alarm clock hadn't reached their bedroom, NOT MY FAULT. I did not want to hear anymore about it. I was sick of his complaining. He knew what he had to do and chose not to do it. NO MY PROBLEM!

It took him about 10 days to work out I was not listening to his crapping on about it anymore. THEN he got his kids moving earlier.

My SO wakes up my SS16. He gets the dog, and says, okay, come on, dog! Let's go wake up the boy! And then he has the dog jump up on SS' bed.

I find this to be a real turn off when the son is taller than dad. But there are other issues that might explain why SO does this. Still though.

Where is BM? I tell DH to go fly a kite. If you keep this up, he will be 21, not work and sleeping all day. DH needs to let SS start to grow some balls. If he joins the army, who is going to get him out of the bed? LOL! Just making a point.

He has unreasonable expectations of you, and inadequate expectations of his children. The cooked breakfast thing is him using food as a reward, to symbolise some sort of closeness and nurture, probably because he knows he's not actually close to his children and feels insecure about it. If his mum took care of him that way and will come and clean his house even as a grown up then he probably thinks that's normal.

If you raised the idea of disengaging during a fight he's not going to see that as just mentioning, he's going to see it as an offensive attack and take it in an entirely negative light with no understanding of why you are doing it. He is incredibly lucky you have provided that kind of pampering for his kids for so long, particularly since he expects you to respect his wishes with respect to his children without reciprocating by respecting your wishes and boundaries. If you don't get the rights and respect of a parent then don't provide the care and attention of a parent and stick to your guns. You could try having one more go at explaining it in calmer circumstances, but then don't talk about disengaging just do it.

sounds familiar. when I disengaged DH was furious as well.....again with the I hate his kids talk. I just stayed disengaged. He DOES have his parents take the skids now....because they do whatever the skids want and they LOVE the control over DH that this gives him...but again disengaged and this is not my problem. whatever those skids grow up to be....not my deal. Good advice above, give him a few choices for breakfast, if he doesn't want them......lunch is at noon.

wow seriously. I would probably pee on myself if DH demanded I do this. I cook elaborate breakfasts on Sundays and that's it. SS11 gets himself up and his own breakfast or he eats at school. He walks to the bus stop he knows what time to be there. He has NEVER missed the bus.

Hell my 4 year old asked me for a batman or spiderman alarm clock so he can wake up on his own. I thought it was a bad idea but he's been doing it all week. We pick out clothes the night before. He gets up and gets dressed and even pours his own milk in the morning (we have small containers so he can do it himself)

When SS went to school in BMs neighborhood. Since it's not far from my job I used to take him to the bus stop on my days because DH's office in the opposite direction. Fast forward a year later. DH worked from home. My hours changed where I didn't have to be to work until 11am. He still expected me to get up at 6am to take SS to school. I didn't say no. I just didn't get up. when the alarm went off. I shook him and told him to take SS to school and I went back to sleep. Screw that! there was no reason for me to be up at 6am if I didn't have to be to work until 11. DH got the hint. Now he ASKS me to do something and doesn't get mad when I say no.