Hi Can any one help me through this awful mess.

I was single and lived with my daughter (now six) for two years after my marriage broke down. At the end of my relationship I was in such a bad place - I had a late termination which was done incorrectly so I suffered a harrowing miscarriage, I lost two of my best friends one in a car crash and the other to cancer and then my brother was diagnosed with MS. All in all it was a very bad time.

I vowed never to have another relationship for a long long time as I was building back my life and trying to be a good mum. But also trying to deal with all that had happened and all the loss, whilst working full time (as I receive no maintenance and I had lost 50% of all that I had ever worked for) , moving house and trying to set up a business.

And just as I was feeling happy for the first time in 2 years I met a man. I tried very hard to put him
off and say I did not want a relationship but after weeks of persuading me otherwise I gave in. It was great but too much for me ( he wanted to be with me all the time) and after 3 months I tried to finish it. When I saw his pain I realised that this man truly loved me and would do anything for me including accepting my daughter.

He has been married three times – which rang alarm bells. His first marriage was when he was very young and it lasted only a couple of months and ended amicably, the second lasted 15 years. His wife was not affectionate and did not want children. He met a girl 15 years younger than him and had an affair. He realised that the grass was not greener and was about to go back to his wife when this girl fell pregnant. He felt trapped but as he had always wanted a family he stood by her. They had a second child and then decided to get married. It was seemingly a loveless marriage and only three months in he found out she was having an affair. (He received a text meant for her lover.) She left – saying she did not love him and did not want to be with him for life, she took the children , she demanded he bought a house and its contents and a car and maintenance which he duly provided.

Our relationship (started a few months after his separation from his wife) and developed in to something extraordinarily amazing like I have never experienced before. Amazing, loving, supportive, fun - all I could ever have dreamed of. For two years it was fantastic. I never pressured for divorce as his x would not accept adultery and after 2 yrs it would be easy to get divorced.

As soon as his x found out that I was on the scene (I think she just thought he would be alone and lonely for ever) she was back on his case to get back together even though she was living with the guy she had an affair with. She has kept on trying for the last two years only lessening her plea when she has not had a boyfriend.

My partner has staved off all her pleas but her presence has always been an irritation. I love his two children as if they were my own and they get on like brother and sister with my daughter.

We have lived in our respective houses for two years and the only way we could spend more time together was to move in to together and for him to get divorced. We started looking at houses and twice got near to putting in an offer but he said he loved his house (the marital home) and did not want to leave and financially it did not make sense – I was very against this at first, as it did not feel as it would ever be truly ours - I felt we should be starting a fresh.

He then anlaysed his feelings about not wanting to sell his house and realised he had an issue and could not commit to me. We had a weeks break which devastated me whilst he tried to understand his feelings - I had never felt pain like it – it was torture as I thought I was going to lose the man I loved so v v much.

During that week I realised I loved him so much my life did not make sense without him in it, even if it meant I had to move in to his house (giving me an hours commute to school and work), even selling my business – I was prepared to do anything.

So we had a month when I thought we would be moving in. But somehow he did seem to be excited about it or excited about Christmas.

Without going in to the detail he let me down over our plans for Xmas – he said he was going to the pub on Xmas eve but would see me Xmas day – I was so upset and challenged him to re think his plans but apart from squeezing in a carol service before going to the pub he was not changing his mind. (for weeks I had known something was not right). On Xmas day I found out he had been at his x wifes house on Xmas Eve as he wanted to see his kids open their xmas presents!. Three days later I found out he had slept with his wife a week before Xmas. Mean while I was still under the impression we were still moving in together.

He was supposed to come and see me on new years eve and when he had not answered his phone I just knew that he had gone back to his wife. He spent 10 days back with his wife – a great deal of that time was spent with me as he hated it and saw the character traits in his x that had made him so unhappy when he was married - after 10 days they broke up. He has not seen his wife since.

But is now trying to decide whether he should go back or get divorced. He says that he loves me cant imagine life without me, life is meaningless without me etc loving me has never been the issue – he has spent 2 years fighting off his x but my asking him to get divorced obviously upset the apple cart. He feels as if he is failing his kids by getting divorced but is struggling to decide whether he can live with his wife long term and love her again. He can not seem to decide – loosing half his wealth, children etc the perfect package would be keep his wealth, children and be with me but that option does not exist.

Meanwhile I have gone through hell and back for 4 months now – I have lost over a stone in weight ( which I did not have to lose). Can't sleep, eat, I keep getting panic attacks - the pain is unbearable. I am a mess. I can not stop thinking about it all but still want to be with him. We have tried no communication but have both failed. Although I know that is the only way I will heal. But then he still might come back so whichever way I do it I am waiting. I am trying to keep busy but am doing a very bad job of it. I know I have to get myself together to keep afloat to try and be stable for my daughter etc. But I can't stop loving him – I know I need to but can't seemingly do it.

Am I mad – should I be saying get out of my life for good. Or can there be a future? – all I know is it is all about him and not me. He has put me through hell – Surely you don't do that if you love someone and he is so convinced he does! What do I do?