I wish I would have found the over 2 decades ago
I read the following article and realized, though this is something I had to learn the hard way, it's spot on based on what I know now. Maybe some of you new or potential SP's can find this insightful.
https://www.childfun.com/articles/moms/rejection-by-stepchildren/
- Focused_onourlife's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I feel this. My kids really
I feel this. My skids really aren’t that bad compared to many on this site, but I know where I stand with them. I was closer to them when they were younger, which seems to be a common theme. To be fair I likely contributed to the distance as well, as my feelings for them changed when I was pregnant (also a common theme), so I can’t lay it all at their feet.
It’s just obvious I’m not their family. I don’t remember the last time they wished me happy birthday (which I consider my husbands failing as he should remind them), my husband will get the credit for things that I do for them, they try their hand at triangulating my husband against me (also my husbands fault for not recognizing it as it’s always disguised as a ‘joke’).
To be fair again, I don’t really blame them. I’m not their parent, and I’ve disengaged from a lot of stuff I used to do for them, which I’m sure they can feel. They’re smart little boys. I’ve worked hard not to take any of it personally, and to treat them with kindness while leaving the parenting to their dad. They’ll likely never see all the things I do for them behind the scenes, or understand how supportive I am of their relationship with their dad & half sibling, and that’s ok. As long as we continue to be friendly I’m ok with it.
Yes, Monkeysee that pretty
Yes, Monkeysee that pretty much summed it up for me too except I can count on one hand how many times I bought them things with my own money. The common denominator is our DH's and the ball is in their courts if they want that "Brady bunch family". I do think that once they're adults, it's up to them to do their parts in meeting the SP halfway but if the foundation was never or halfway layed, they take the easy way out and pretend the SP doesn't exist until/unless it comes with a price of seeing less of their bio parent our spouses. Then in most cases it's a forced, fake or disconnected relationship. This article would have definitely spared my feelings and mental state for so many years before I gave up on trying.
Good advice
I have read several of your posts and comments to other's post and I really like the advice you give (wish I'd had it two years ago and listened to it!). I have a SD(16) who turned on me around the age of 14. The past two years of my life have been a living hell, as my DH never backed me, couldn't discipline her, and lost all control he had as a parent. He didn't show a united front with me and he still cannot see the PAS that has occurred. Her behavior caused marriage turmoil for me and my DH (as she tried to separate us and she wanted me gone), really messed up my relationship with my in-laws, and changed the course of everyone's life. My SD has done all the things that your posts mention. DH and the inlaws coddle her when she cries (which she immediately starts to do when asked to explain herself) and they are scared of her getting mad at them. They have created a monster. I have completely disengaged. Completely, and I'm fine to just be the wife of their father. I had to to save myself. I think about all of it way more than I should, all of the unwarranted hate towards me and injustice of it all. But I realize that none of them will ever change and I must cope and deal in a way that means I get to have a happy life. She's 16 and I know there is much to anticipate from her. With you, did you see your SD get progressively worse as the years passed? This is what I fear. I have no hope that one day we will be good again. It's never going to happen. Her mother made sure that our relationship was destroyed. Any insight as to what to expect, even upon disengaging? They love drama, so it's only a matter of time until they try to drag me back in. I will not let that happen. Thanks!
It takes time to figure out
It takes time to figure out your nitch as a SM, especially when you're trying to be a supportive one. It took me 16 years to disengage, I tried several times (before I came here and learned there was actually a term for it) but I always allowed my DH to suck me back in. His promise was always "she will grow out of it" but at the same time both my SD's knew how far to go with DH so he didn't see alot of what I saw. MANIPULATION!!
As far as if I saw SD get worse? I sure did. This started when she was 7 y/o and I disengaged when she was 24. That should tell you something. We live 600+ plus miles away and moved here when she was 12 so it was more tolerable because we rarely saw here but she would make sure to let me know, so to speak, every chance she got out of DH sight that she was in a secret competition. She used my DH's technique (ignore it) as a sign of weakness until he came unglued on her, a couple months after I disengaged, so now there's a disengagement between the two of them as well but always have been a disconnect, I was his buffer that saved him from the awkwardness with dealing with her and her comfort zone when we were around while she also stabbed me in the back. However, it took me removing myself as a target before he saw her true colors. He didn't like that I disengaged at first but he had no choice. Actually he did, I told him if he couldn't accept that I was done trying and seeing SD, I would divorce him BUT I wasn't living the rest of my life tolerating the shit from his DD that I don't even tolerate from my own family, nor him for that matter for allowing it (even though I had to tell him what was going on) but i would not stand in the way of his relationship with her, excluding me. Not only did he seem to develop another level of respect for me, he understand now why I did what I did.
You have to do what's best for you. You learned well before I did but I also thought I could save SD and hers and DH relationship. You can't fix what you didn't break and when they become adults you have more of an advantage to say NO MORE and mean it.