All kids kinda suck not only Skids...
I had been gone for a while. I feel have so much insight into Steplife since having survived my Stephell. I have been reading a lot of the failure to launch posts and I have to say that in my opinion, 18 isn't the magic number for kids/skids to figure it out and leave on their own. Personally, I feel they aren't mature enough at 18. I myself have 3 sons. 2 skids. All 5 are adults now. Each kid was a different experience. Kid 1 was a pain in my a**. Always giving me trouble, didn't want to finish HS. At age 16 I sent him to boot camp - where he got his HS diploma. Worked a few jobs here and there, was dramatic, didn't like to follow house rules, I cut the cord when he was in his early 20s and threw him out.
Kid 2 - didn't wanna finish HS, didn't wanna follow house rules, put him in a special program so he can get his HS diploma & once he did that he enlisted in the military at 17. He did 8 years in the service, came home, stayed with me again and then refused to follow house rules. Basic stuff, do your laundry, clean your room, pay the cable. Kicked him out at 25.
SS - graduated HS (barely), flunked out of Community College in his first semester, couldn't hold a job, wouldn't follow house rules, kicked him out twice. Once at 21, he was out for 2 years, begged to let him move back, that he promised to do better, he just needed some help, let him move back, was great for 6 months and then was back to his old ways, kicked him out for good at 25.
SD - we haven't seen or heard from since she was 15, she'll be 21 in 3 months, so thankfully that chapter of our lives is closed.
Kid 3 - graduated HS, graduates college with his Bachelor's next month, works, keeps his room clean, follows house rules, is 23 and is saving to move. I have already told him he can stay as long as he wants/needs. It's just DH and I and my Kid 3. 2500sf house, 5 bedrooms, Kid 3 has the whole downstairs to himself, sometimes I don't see him for days at a time because of our schedules. He too has put me thru the ringer in other ways, but he says he learned from watching how I handled the other 3 boys. He will do nothing to rock the boat and likes his living arrangement. I don't blame him, life is hard right now.
Fast forward - Kid 1 - 35 owns 2 business. Kid 2 - 32 accepted a relocation offer from his company and moved across the country, SS28 - lives with BM, sleeps on her couch, no job, no education, NADA. Makes me sad for him, he's not a bad person, just misguided & unfocused. SD - who knows, who cares. Last I heard she's a tatted up bartender. Kid 3 - I know we aren't supposed to say it, but he is my favorite. Headaches and all, I have a soft spot for him. In general, all kids kinda suck. Hang in there friends, it gets better!!! :-)
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Kids are taking far longer to
Kids are taking far longer to grow up nowadays and some need to be thrown from the nest or they won't ever leave. My SS21 is one of them (at BM's), and my sister is having difficulty with her 21-year-old daughter as well. To some degree it's the economy and having trouble making a living wage; but it's also about mental health issues, and parents making their home super comfortable and not pushing kids to be independent like they did in older generations.
A 1 br apartment where we
A 1 br apartment where we live is over $1500.00 a month. A house? $300-$400k is the median. Add gas, car insurance, food, electric, cellphones and the most basic necesities and you will need a real good job to make ends meet. It is much harder for them than it was for us. That's why I always offer the - Stay, save and move when you have enough and are ready. But if they just wanna freeload off of me, all bets are off.
When DH and I moved in
When DH and I moved in together we kept our townhouses to rent out. It's building equity for now but it's also acknowledged by both of us that if one of these kids fails to launch or boomerangs, the bio parent has to use the townhouse to house their offspring. They are NOT coming back in the house (other than holidays or summers home from college etc. but no failure launches ruining our peace)
Gawd
Ill never get it. Yes the world is a different place from when I launched, but dang. My ex SD will never launch she is 23. Never holds a job down, but that is hard when she is always sitting on daddios lap. So I understand her struggle. NOT , barf worthy.
I am bioless but if I had a kid I learned what not to do. These guilty daddios and mommy to the rescue do no favors for their kids.
My mother told me once to not
My mother told me once to not have kids.. "they are horrible" the only kids she had were me and my brother *shok*
I mean, I get it.. you pour your heart into them.. try to (hopefully) set them on a good path but they still are individuals with a mind of their own and their own hopes, dreams, shortcomings.
And just like you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink.. sometimes there just are limits to what a parent can do with their kids to make them act right. I mean, it's a classic story right "Mama Tried"?
I didn't come from a step family situation.. but my brother and I did have our share of hair whitening hijinks for my parents to weather.
I ended up dropping out of college 2x. But in the end, I did finish and get a college degree plus a masters. My brother.. he started out straighter but developed an addiction that plagued him through his 20's and 30's and even had him rebound to live with my parents at one point during that time.
And I know bio parents certainly can have a hard time turning their back on their kids that are struggling.... but in steplife, it's complicated because their spouse doesn't have the same emotional obligation to the child, in fact may have some negative associations with the child and in those cases.. it probably will not work as well with extended stays or returns to home once the kids launch.
But, I still think it's reasonable for kids to be allowed to have a "soft launch" where they may be working full time for a period to save up money for starting out. or certainly might be allowed to come "home" while they are in college etc..
But, yeah.. all kids can have issues.. it's how they are addressed that may differ, in part by the relationship the child has or lack thereof with their bio parent's partners.
As a teen
I was a total arsehat. Caused my parents all kind of drama and walked out at 17, id have probably been kicked out anyway. I definitely thought I knew it all, and boy was I wrong. However I was proud and worked 3 jobs to to keep a little place. It was the making of me. My parents then did invite me to move back home several times, for example to save for a house, during a divorce, and I damn well towed the line and contributed.
I think I would be the same with our kids now, they can stay as long as they need, as long as they are contributing or have a plan. But any trouble and it's a form of tough love, but no I wouldn't let them stay.
Our 2 nieces are absolute failures to launch. Yes they are only 19 and not bad girls. But they have no life, no plans except one is learning nail tech but too shy to operate as a business! It's driving my brother in law crazy but then he just moans and doesn't press them. I would have had to insist they either get help for their anxieties, get a plan or a job! They'll still be there at 30 I'm sure, as they come across like little girls even now. Some kids just wont grow up unless they aren't given a choice and they have to
5 kids here
I'm 76 and our 5 kids are in their 50s. I agree it's a "journey" raising them. Whenever I hear somebody talk about the " joy of parenthood", I don't get it. I love them all in their way but can't say any of them gave us "joy".
It meant a lot to DH to be able to offer any of them a place to come back to if they needed it. Our basement is set up well: semi-private entrance, bedroom, bathroom, frig, laundry, etc.
Four of our 5 have had to come back at some point. SD59 was here first, as a young divorcee with a baby. That wasn't too bad. The last time was a 10-month hell of lying, theft and drug use. She is barred for life. We subsidize her living elsewhere. SS57 came back when he was a homeless, bankrupt recovering alcoholic. He slowly recovered and is now a married contractor. DS56 is here now after being flooded out again. This is his and wife's third stay here in the past 3 years due to flooding. He will be moving elsewhere so this will probably their last stay. They are no trouble and leave the place better than they found it. DD55 and family moved here when they relocated to this city. It was a little much for us and DH had a talk with her and they moved. SS54 has never moved back.
So, yes, I agree all kids suck and not only SKs. I'm too lazy to lie to myself and prefer to see them as they really are, flawed humans. Lol.
YES! And not only are they
YES! And not only are they flawed humans (as we ALL are) but we can do EVERY SINGLE THING RIGHT and they will still make their own choices and have their own journey. When I see comments like "we parent our kids" I wanna throw something at my screen. We parent our kids too and sometimes they just freaking SUCK anyway!!!
I agree
I agree fully, it doesnt all come down to parenting. They are who they are. They are going to do what they do regardless. Sometimes, I start to stress about one of them and think coulda, woulda, shoulda. But bottom line, I can look in the mirror and say DH and I did our human best every day. Did we make mistakes? Yes. Could we have done better? Yes, if we'd known better, we could have done better. Id like to see any of them cope with 5 kids, absent bio parents, the finances with no child support and all the rest.
It is what it is. I'm at peace, we did the best we knew how back then.
I think they suck less...
When they are your bios, because at least you dont have to play the "blame game" of accusations that you "damaged and harassed their child!!!" You dont risk a protective order.
So to me, with no bios, it seems to suck less.
Dont want to sound negative
Dont want to sound negative but why were your kids dropping out of school and refusing to follow any rules? Be honest, were you the type of parent who was just letting them live and expecting them to become responsible when they became teens just out of the blue?
My husbands BM babied SS18 and never made him do any chores or enforced any rules....then she was shocked and pissed when he turned 16yo and dropped out of school and wouldnt even take the garbage out....When asked why he wont do any chores, his answer "im not used to it" or "i dont like being told/the tone you used"....She sent him to live with us for 2yrs and all we did was fight and argue while daddy and mommy were coddling and saying "its the teachers fault!!"...."he isnt used to doing dishes"...."he gets headaches when he has to do too much work during the day"
Needless to say, i returned him right back to sender when he became abusive and starting to try to rule the house. According to his parents, "he wasnt like that and we dont know what happened to him, etc etc"
BM kicked him out on the day of his 18th bday...
He now lived with his deadbeat unempoyed uncle in their grandmas house and constantly asks if he could move back in.....Daddy says "he isnt ready to be on his own" because he cant cook/clean and he had no degree....Well my answer: thats between you and your coparent!!
Honestly 3 kids dropping out and not doing shit at home....I am sure if you do some introspection you could see where u didnt enforce rules
Rules start from the womb....not all of a sudden when they are teens....then its already too late
21-23 yo is the perfect age to launch in my opinion but if the kid isnt enrolled in trade or in some schooling with a job on the side at 18, it is very likely that they will never launch
1st3rd5thWEINHELL - Nope, I
1st3rd5thWEINHELL - Nope, I wasn't one of those moms that just let them do what they wanted. They just hated school. One of them would ditch and would come back to the house after I left to work. I would literally walk him to the bus and watch him get on the bus, then when I would leave for work, he would get off the bus a few stops over and walk back home. This is a JUNIOR in HS being walked to the bus by his mother, can you imagine the embarrasment? It did nothing. Throwing away electronics, grounding, even beating his ass, did nothing. I worked with the school and put him in a special program so he could finish HS, which he did, but they literally picked him up at our front door and walked him into class. He then enlisted in the military after he got his HS diploma. He is a veteran with honorable discharge and now lives across the country. He has done very well for himself. The older one, same deal - would just disappear, refused to do the school work. Him, I put in a military boot camp. He finished HS as well in that program. Now he owns 2 businesses. Rules start from the womb. Yes, they do. You know what also starts from the womb? Personalities. You can have every rule and routine in the book and kids will do what they want in the end, either do it in front of you or they do it behind your back, but not all of them follow the road map that we as parents have written out for them. I summise looking back that my middle child was depressed, he was bullied a lot in school, which explains him hating school, therefore he just didn't want to go. My oldest, he got hung up with the wrong crowd and was easily distracted by girls. He had in his head that he was too special for school. That it was a waste of his time. He stumbled a lot, learned the hard way that he wasn't special, but has been succesfully running 2 businesses on his own for quite a few years now. They found their path. I am a very supportive mom, I believe in guiding them as best I can, but forcing them to be who I expect them to be, doesn't seem to work for us.