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19 year old stepson is going to end my marriage

DBmama's picture

I'm at the end of my rope! My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 12 years. He has a child from a previous marriage who is almost 19. We have 2 kids together who are 9 & 11. 
 

Ss mom is a drug addict who pops in and out of his life. She has moved across the country so he sees her maybe once a year now. She previously lived in the same city. When he was younger he would go between our house and hers week to week but often staying with us longer. She almost died in a bike accident about 6 years ago. Her and her BF were drunk and high and lost control. SS lived with us full time after that for about 3 years. He visited his mom off and on. I suspect SS started using drugs when he was about 13. At 16 we found pics of him using drugs on social media, he informed us that he likes weed and it's healthy for him and he will continue to do it. There was a big blow out and he moved to his moms she allowed the drugs. 1 year later he was back because he and his mom couldnt get a long.

 

I was married to a severe drug addict before marrying my current spouse. It was a horrible experience. He started out with weed as a teenager and was a full blown cocaine addict by the time he was 25. He was very mean and abusive. Because of our pasts we completely against drugs.

 

when SS moved back in my husband told him there was no drugs allowed in the house and no talk about drugs to our kids. 1 year later I found out he's been vaping in his room and forcing my 11 son to hang out with him in his room while he vapes and talks to him about the drugs he's using. I was so furious! My husband refused to kick him out. We went on holidays last summer, he was again vaping and I'm sure doing other things in the house as well as giving out the code to our front door to his friends. When I confronted him he told me he should be allowed to vape cause no one is there and he trusts these people with his life so there's no reason he can't give out the code to MY HOUSE. This is just a few instances of the disrespect. He is very mean to my son and daughter mostly my son though, I am constantly stepping in and telling him to leave him alone or mind his business. He just laughs and says you mind your business, I could slap that stupid grin off his face. I can't stand this kid anymore. I have tried to get a long with him but he refuses to follow rules, refuses to be respectful. I am the person he comes to when he needs something and up until now have always been there, always helped him hoping he would turn around and stop being such a shithead. It's not happening and I'm tired of being his doormat. I'm tired of worrying about my kids and the influence he is having on them. He managed to barely graduate high school then enrolled in college ( which we fully funded) and stopped going 2 month later and pretended he was still going. I knew something was up, I knew he was lying. My husband is so gullable, he believes the bs that comes out of this kids mouth. All he does is lie, steal and cause chaos. I don't know what other types of drugs he's doing. I haven't found any in the house yet but that doesn't mean it's not here. He comes and goes at all hours. A couple weeks ago he went out at 2:30am and came home at 5:30am. This is not a dam frat house! 
 

we had a terrible Christmas due to my husband and I fighting over this. I want this kid out. Hes 19, has a job that he barely goes to (not my problem).

 

my husband refuses to kick him out. I have said we can find him a room to rent, help him with the first couple months of rent. He can take all of his furniture. He still refuses to kick him out.  I don't want my kids around him anymore, he is a terrible influence, between the drugs and my kids seeing him disrespect me all the time. 
i know that this is a result of my husband not disciplining him when he was younger. Consequences for him has always been a fight. Husband has so much guilt it's ridiculous. His guilt should be over allleimg this kids to become a monster! 

ive gone to counseling several times trying to deal with this and learn different ways to handle it but I just can't anymore. I'm the only one trying 

My husband is a good guy and loves all of his kids so much. He doesn't see what I see. Ss will never behave this way when husband is around. The school stuff and bring out all hours is just teenage stuff in his eyes. 

ive told my husband that I am done, this is it. I will do what I need to do protect my kids. He just can't believe that I would ask him to kick his son out. i can't believe that he expects us to continue to live like this. I am preparing to separate if he continues to refuse. If that happens I will insist that SS not he allowed around my kids. I really don't want to go this far but I don't know what else to do!

husband and I are also running a business together. Anyone else in a situation like mine?  
 

 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Why do you stay with a man who clearly doesn't respect you or his other kids?  If he loved them all so much, he wouldn't allow his delinquent son to be around the younger kids.

You sound exhausted.  Why not move out yourself with the younger kids until your DH pulls his head out of the sand? Your SS isn't going anywhere.  He has it too comfy.  So it's up to you to make your DHs life hell while he allows his son to stay.  One way to do that is to leave them alone together.

tog redux's picture

He sees what you see. He'd just like you to start pretending you DON'T see what you both see, so he doesn't have to deal with it.

He's not being a "good guy" or a good father, to any of his kids, if he lets this go on. He's allowing SS19 to fail at life, allowing your other kids to be affected by his poor behavior, and destroying his marriage all so he can pretend there is nothing wrong with his son because it's too hard for him to set limits on him. That's actually very selfish behavior on his part.

Sounds like DH needs a wake-up call. Too bad your younger kids need their family disrupted for him to deal with his son.

DBmama's picture

Hi tog.   You are so right! His head seems to always be in the sand. He hates change and often refuses to deal with other issues for fear of making it worse! It's so frustrating! For sure he is allowing SS to fail at life. I've told him that he wont listen. 

Husband didnt get his life together until he was 30 when his son was born,there was no drugs for him but a lot of drinking. his wife continued the partying which ended the marriage. He is so adamant that without his parents support he never would've made it. His parents are wonderful people whom we are very close with. They are also very enabling which is prob why he was 30!!  
 When they catch wind of this I'm sure they'll be over here trying to convince me to change my mind. This is going to cause a lot of upset. I am going to stand my ground. It's going to change people's (his families) views of me. sad it's come to this but I have to do this for my kids and myself! 

susanm's picture

I think you hit on a major point.  My DH also did not get his head out of his a$$ until he was 30 and his first child was born.  He got a lot of help from his parents too.  And many members have told variations of the same story.  No wonder these men give their children such major passes on life.  They see them as normal and just "chips off the old block."  Let's hear it for generational failure to launch!  SMH.  I foolishly thought that my own DH was smart enough to have learned from his mistakes and to pass that "wisdom" on to his kids.  Apparently that is just too hard......

BTW - if you do split up, you are probably going to have to sell the house to split the assets.  How comfy is his little prince going to be then?  LOL

shamds's picture

i would have called the cops/police to remove them. You didn’t invite them and neither did your hubby but by the sounds of it if you had called the police, i’m sure hubby would lie and claim he gave permission.

so he’s ok allowing strangers of questionable behaviour into a home that he has minors in? Its his job to protect you all and he has refused. You need to give that firm ultimatum, this isn’t something i would tolerate!!

Gimlet's picture

You've offered your husband good options, such as helping SS get on his feet with rent and furniture.  You've given SS many, many chances to follow your very reasonable rules.  

One important job as a parent is to protect your children and your husband is failing miserably.  Your SS is normalizing drug use for your younger son, who probably looks up to him, and that is dangerous. He's treating your family with disrespect and your home like a flop house.  And no his friends probably aren't great people either.

I agree with the others who say to get your kids out of there. I really don't understand these men who value their "first" children so much more than their other children.  It's so bizarre. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

somethingwicked's picture

Time to go.Make your plans to separate your money.The business that you own together can still be maintained if you live elsewhere with your young children.Get a temporary place or move in with your family or trusted friend and demonstrate to dumbass H that you will not jeopardize the health of  your young,impressionable children to his seemingly lost cause adult son.

And your H needs therapy to work through his  Daddee guilt as he must feel 24/7 failed father guilt and  failed first relationship that spawned his failing adult son  and keeps  H in his" Helen Keller" state where he  sees or hears no problem ,will say nothing to the coddled  problem child,the drug addicted  blight on society  19 year old bio son.

 Let  father live with his son,deal with the issue mano a mano where he cannot deny how far skid has fallen and will continue to fall until skid gets help.Usually addicts must hit rock bottom before they look for a way up and out .Skid is not your problem.His dumb ass father is EVERYONE's problem .

I feel for you. Addiction is horrible, destructive to the addict  and all the victims that are drawn into the nightmare.

YOU do not have to live this nightmare.You have in the past  as you were married to a drug addict. You do NOT have to relive that. Leave OR kick THEM both out if the house is yours.

And I would seek the advice of an  attorney where the business is concerned and ,too, retain a good divorce lawyer as well.

But I agree that your first step if H won't kick son out is for you to leave and let H know this is where you draw a line and divorce is the next step. These weak Disney Daddees are so ridiculous.Here is a Daaddee willing to see his 19 year old son destroy his young life in addiction and sloth and in addition  H's 15 year marriage and family because he cannot find his balls to influence the wayward young adult..WTF?that is some good Daaddeee Guilt there. 

 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I think you have been reasonable in saying you would help him get a room to stay in etc. 

I agree with the others, separate your finances. Have a bit a think of a possible short term separation.

you said you are married and you called it ‘our’ house. Have you seen a solicitor to see who could live in the house (ie you and the kids?) temporarily whilst you all work stuff out. 

 

advice.only2's picture

Your DH is an enbabler and enablers don't like to admit that there is a problem...even to the detriment of their other family, friends or finances.

I would move you and your children someplace safe since you can't ensure that your DH will protect you and your children over his drug addicted son.

piegirl's picture

If you can't kick SS out, I would be taking my own kids and leaving DH. Your minor children have to be protected in all of this, if DH refuses to see what is going on, you have to be the responsible parent and get them the hell away from your s%*#head SS!!

grace8205's picture

Your issues with you SS and DH sound so similar to the ones I had. 

When DH and I first started living together we had rules on drugs, no drugs or drug paraphernalia in the house or on the property, no smoking or vaping any substance in the house.

 Within the first 2 months I found a pipe and some pot. Brought it up to DH to deal with and he did nothing but give it back to his son. A month after that I found a pot vaping machine worth $350 and another bag of pot and evidence that he was using it in our house. This time I told DH and refused to give him the vaping machine or the pot. He had a talk with skid and promised to give the vape machine back when he moves out. I didn't really agree but who care what skid does after he moves longer lives with us. 

We decided to move to another house, at the last minute skid decided he was going to move to our new house. Moved in May 2014. Within in a month I found a pot pipe hidden in one of my planters outside, talked to DH apparently he made a side deal with skid and told him he could keep his drug stuff outside.  I was furious, I told DH I didn't agree with that and it was even dicussed with me so I will throw all of it out when I find it. Another time I found more pot in the house, of course DH talks to skid tells him not to do it again and gives him the pot back.

Fast forward to Valentine's weekend 2015 and I found $400 bag of pot in the house. I took the pot disposed of it, then I talked to DH. I calmly told him that I am done and told him he could take skid and move out. I said he should live with skid somewhere else and get him ready to launch within a year. After that year we either resume our marriage with skid launched or we file for divorce and he can live with skid forever. 

As soon as I told DH that very calmly and with a serious tone skid was given notice to move out and skid was also told to follow the rules and be respectful during the notice period or else he will be evicted immediately.  Needless to say skid only lasted 4 days before he was immediately evicted. 

My skid was 20 when he was kicked out. Just like your he was a liar, disrespectful, never cleaned up after himself. He was horrible to live with. If I didn't finally tell my DH I had enough nothing would have changed and skid would have continued to live with us. 

Stand up for yourself and your kids, tell your DH you have had enough.  Be prepared to pack his bag if you have to. 

Good luck. 

DBmama's picture

Thank you grace8205. Your story is very similar. I am so done with this situation. I want to believe my DH will make the right choice and be there for the kids that need and want him. We will see. I told him today that if he refuses to kick out SS that we will be separating. 

There is a light's picture

I totally agree with grace8205.   If you do not change your position, your situation would not change, no matter what you say.   The truth is, your dh swinging between you and stepkid, gives his grief but does not affect him.  Besides he has probably learnt how to deal with it.  When you take a stand as Grace8205 did, your dh would change so quickly.  When your dh realises that he stand a chance of losing you and your children, he would soon step up.   

I had a similar experience.  The usual step hell for years. I finally put my foot down and told my dh if things did not change I wanted a divorce.  I moved into the guest room and told him certain actions had to be taken if we were to work on the marriage.   WELL ...  things moved quickly, he completed every task and more.    Now I am in marital bliss!

You need to stand up for yourself, otherwise it will only get worst. 

Rags's picture

Time for the "Him or us" talk.  Your DH is the problem.  He created this POS kid and enables the POS to continue his crap. He tolerates this POS to disrespect his wife and his  young children and you need to write this on a 2X4 and beat him over the head with this message (figuratively of course) to give DH clarity that it ends now. Either way, but it ends.

If you are in a state where marijuana is illegal start calling the police on the POS when he is doing drugs in your home.  See how Daddy and Jr. like it when Jr. is being frog marched out of your home in cuffs for drug use and contributing to the delinquency of his minor sibs.

At some point you are going to have to take assertive action to fix this or... you are going to just have to bite your tongue and accept it.  I would not accept if I were you.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with many sentiments above. It sounds like your SS is not trustworthy and is putting you and your children at risk. Your DH has decided he is okay with that, so maybe your DH needs to live alone with SS while you move out with your other children. 

Your DH is not being a "good guy" he is being an enabler. Just because he was enabled in his bad behavior doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. He needs to break the cycle. 

Does he want his children with you to go down the same path because they are seeing SS have no consequences or does he want them to see that there is less dysfunctional way to live life? 

oatsnhoney's picture

Who owns the house? I might talk to a lawyer. Why does DH have to be the one to kick him out? Maybe you can? You have minor kids. I wonder how it works?

DBmama's picture

Thanks to all for your advice and comments. We both own the house. Pot is legal here. I gave DH the ultimatum and he said obviously I don't want to separate, I will tell SS to start looking for a place. 
 

problem is in the mean time my DH is working a lot. My work is a combination of being out of the house in the mornings and work from home afternoons. SS job is outside and it's been super cold here so he's been sitting on his ass for the past week. It's making me crazy! Today both my bio kids 9 & 11 had friends over and I hear SS talking to my son and his friend about something and swearing, he is constantly swearing. I'll admit I let out the odd one when super frustrated but it's every second word out of his mouth! Anyways I told him he needs to stop swearing around the kids, he argued that it's not like they haven't heard it before! He just refuses to accept or follow any rules. I told him if he swears in front of or is mean ( this is a problem too) to any kids I will come unglued. I said you will follow the rules of this house period.  I then text and told my DH that I'm getting ready to tell SS to leave. I've had enough. DH asked what happened then doesn't reply to me. He's barely spoke to me since he got home. His son is an ass and I'm the bad one as usual.

I have so much anger and resentment that even when SS does move out, I don't know how I can move on from this. How do you get over it? 
 

ndc's picture

So your H is going to "tell SS to start looking for a place."  If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that he takes his time telling SS that, and then he doesn't rush SS.  He's not telling him to be gone by x-date; he's telling him to *start* looking for a place.  I think you need to nail down a date in the near future for SS to be out and then hold your H to it.  Otherwise you'll be waiting forever.  The ultimatum needs to have a date attached.

DBmama's picture

I told him today that SS needs to be out by the end of Feb. Problem is that DH does not acknowledge or answer me often so I have no idea what's going on. He basically refuses to talk about anything unless it's sunshine and rainbows.

Rags's picture

You are going to have to give SS the message. Tell him before you give him the move out date that if he speaks to you or the kids in any way other than respecfully and calmly his move out will be immediate.  No more discussion, no more crap, no more tolerance, and no more letting daddy let SS keep daddy's balls to avoid accountability.

You are going to have to apply the testicular fortitude to this equation to make it change.

Good luck..

smh

Tried out's picture

I definitely believe you are doing the right thing.

My concern is the protection of your own children once you separate and they visit H, while SS lives with H or even visits H.

I think this is the most important issue you need to address with a lawyer and you need to get the ball rolling Monday morning.

What can you do now - before you separate - that will at least minimize SS's access to your own children? It is quite possible that SS will treat your kids worse after you separate as payback. He appears to have a lot of malice in him. I'm pretty sure this would have to be addressed in the custody aspect of the divorce decree. 

 

 

Justanotherrefusingtobeavictim's picture

I am right there with you. We have a 19 year old that is a disrespectful shit. Lives with us full time, threatened father with suicide, called the suicide helpline and ended being picked up by police, taken to hospital. No attempt, jsut threats because he didn't want to go to school or didn't want to work. He is now living in our house, doesn't work or go to school and DH does nothing but hides his head in the sand hoping for it all to get better. I am at my witts end. We have a 4 year old and 16 year old SD that lives with us part time (week on and week off). We get along fine. I have been with DH for 10 years, married for 7.

SS is very disrespectful, does  things maliciusly to upset me then plays a victim. He is a narcissistic psychopath that has made a full time job out of trying to destroy our marriage and get us to fight. He is home 24/7, i keep seeing him creep around the house all the time listening to our conversations. DH gave him a car for free, this kid never earned anythign on his own. He barely has any friends, spends his time on computer and causing havoc in our house, Is rude to my 4 year old.  The things and snooping around that he does and my intuition is never wrong... i am the only one that can see his tru colours, the other day he closed the entrance doors to my face as i was approaching my home. When he walks into the room, i feel like the air is sucked out and the heavy toxic atmosphere begins. I have tried for 10 years and he has rejected me from the beginning, i am now done, i don't have any obligation to be nice to an adult that disrespects me. The other day he was in the kitchen and started belching while staring at me. He walks around the house clicking something in his had in the middle of the night, i have to medicate to get to sleep otherwise my anxiety keeps me up, i am sure that he is clicking his flip knife at night, DH doens't believe me and sleeps through everything. I decided to install spy cameras so I can get prove (my 4 year old co-sleeps with us becasue i fear to leave my bedroom door open or leave my 4 year old alone in his room while this psycho parades around the house at 2/3/4 am).

I gto two cameras, i didn't tell DH and they are super small and record sound as well. I am hoping to get something that will make me stand my ground. DH thinks his delicate snowflake 19 year old is truthful and misunderstood and says that i should respect his son if i want respect from him *bomb*

1StepForward2's picture

and if that doesnt help, have a plan B.

Had similar situation with SS. DH babied him. 21 and didnt want to get his licence or a job. Home all day playing games, no chores.

DH agreed to counseling. She gave assignments. Tell SS taxi service is over September 1. You need your license. When he needs to go somewhere he had to drive himself with one of us in the car. It worked. He got it. 
Getting a job was harder. Therapist gave us good ideas but DH didnt follow through so I did what she suggested and he got a part time job the next dsy.

it was still a nightmare. The job wasnt enough to support him. We paid for a career opportnity which he blew off. Finally DH agree to a date he had to he out by and surprisingly stuck to it. SS moved to BM's. He was 25!!!!