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Dear DH (part 1)

fedupstep's picture

You know I love you. I tell you that everyday. And I know you love me. We've known each other since we were 15 and I was fully aware of all your personality 'quirks' (as you were mine) going into this partnership. I never question that you have my back.

We both know that there are been a lot of challenges with your daughter. She never knew you and BM together but I have no doubt that she wishes that was the case. You spent the first 12 years of her life spoiling her rotten; as did BM; in an attempt to one-up her mom. You both created a selfish, lying, manipulative, immature brat that is now hell on wheels. To say she has issues is an understatement. I told you when she was 13 that she needed therapy. Both you and BM thought that was crazy. Now you are listening to me and I hope the effort will be put in so she can turn this shit around.

I make no secret that the relationship between her and I is strained to say the least. She has played you like a fiddle for years and when I call her on it, you are forced to deal with it. That has caused resentment between you and I as well. You said from day one that you wanted me to co-parent. Parenting means having to make hard choices sometimes. You caused me to be the 'heavy' too many times with her and that will not be happening again. You decided (without talking to me first) to go back to your Disney dad ways...told me YOU were tired of being the only parent to shell out consequences for her hideous behaviour. So now she just runs wild and you are scratching your head wondering why? Guess what baby! IT'S NOT ALL BM'S FAULT. You have failed her just as much as she has. She learned at a very young age that with very little effort she will get her way. She has no idea what it's like to earn something through hard work. She asks, it appears. She has no desire to change that. Best part is, she has told you that! One of the few honest things that have come out of her mouth!

If you choose to parent her this way, she is no longer my concern. I would never wish harm on her, but you will have to accept that she will not be my responsibility anymore. That includes all the fedupstep perks she ungratefully gets. You will be solely responsible for her getting her homework done. She will not be spending time with my nieces due to her horrible behaviour in public. I will no long buy birthday or Christmas presents when you are a 'little short on funds'. If you only want to put your name on the card, fine, she never thanks me anyway.

I thank you for acknowledging that I've tried my best with her. She has chosen to be disrespectful to me. Yes, I'm the adult and yes she is technically still a child, but it's time she learns that her actions have consequences. I will not be walked all over by ANYONE, especially a child in my own home. Our partnership is about compromising and I feel I have bent as far as I can before breaking completely. For once I am putting myself first and saving my sanity. She is YOUR child. Step up. Do not force her to talk to me or pretend we are a big happy family in public. She just doesn't care. If she can't get anything from me, she leaves me alone. If you force a relationship between her and I, it will never happen.

It is totally up to her.

Comments

fedupstep's picture

I have told him most of this in bits and pieces over the last year or so...he nods and then usually just puts his head back in the sand. So much easier to deny there is a problem than deal with it in his eyes. Wink

Currently SD is only here once a month. 95% of our fights revolve around her and happen in the day leading up to her visit and the day after her visit. It's more or less peaceful the rest of the month.

Did your email to your DH help?

K.C.'s picture

Good letter. I have written similar ones in the past. I have given them to DH but unfortunately nothing comes out of it. Even though the skids are grown now, I still have a lot of resentment and am having a hard time letting go of that. Just when I think we are going to be ok, some other family drama pops up with his parents, sibling or adult skids and that resentment comes right back again on top of new resentments. At least she is only there once a month but still, there shouldn't be so much anxiety leading up to her visit. If our dh's could only see what we see.

frustratedstepdad's picture

I hope you that you actually gave him this letter, otherwise nothing will change. Even if you've told him all this in bits and pieces, you still need to give it to him.