Been a while since I've been here...and it's just gotten worse..
A little background...
DH and I have been together almost 7 years and he has a daughter, 18. I have no bios. BM has custody and we did the EOWE thing. DH and BM split up with sd18 was a baby so DH has never really been a full time dad. He spent her childhood trying to be a cool dad, no rules, no consequences, no consistency. SD18 learned very early on to play mom off of dad and visa-versa. She has morphed into an entitled, lazy, selfish, socially immature brat that I disengaged from years ago. I probably am the only adult in her life that makes her accountable for her actions.
SD18 has decided to go to a hair dressing school in our city and DH has asked her to move in. Without talking to me first. Oh, and I should mention that I bought the house we live in long before we got together. When I had the nerve to question it, I got the 'you knew I had a daughter when we got together. It's both or us or none of us.' I showed him the door and he backed down immediately. I can't stand this kid. She has done nothing but make my life a living hell and I have lost all respect for DH's parenting. I went into our relationship wanting to have a baby and quickly changed my mind after spending time with SD18. 
DH doesn't understand that it's not the fact that she needs to live closer to school and it would make sense for her to live with us, but it's that, as usual, he and sd talked about it without me and just told me how things will be. He assures me that she will be on a 'tight leash' when it comes to house rules, which is laughable since she doesn't know how to follow rules.
The situation got more complicated when I was also told that her precious mother and stepfather will be moving to the other side of the country this summer. Their plans do not include SD. No wonder this kid is so f'ed up. The mother she worships is leaving and the father she manipulates is so inconsistent with her that it's no wonder she has no respect for adults.
Just when the visits were growing more and more infrequent, now she's going to be LIVING with me. I can't tell you the anxiety and resentment I have been feeling over this. DH has asked me to give her a chance. Like I haven't done that a million times already only to be crapped on.
Leaving is not an option. I left a higher paying job for a lower one with better hours so I could go to school. I have 2 years left and then I will be more financially secure. I handle all the money in the house and DH seems to think her living here will not cost that much. I laughed when I said that she never stops eating when she's here for a weekend and that not one penny that I make will go toward her. He has assured me that she will get a job and contribute to groceries, pay her own bus pass and cell phone. She has a loan for school.
I feel like I'm suffocating. I thought I was through the worst of it and now I'll be staring at her stupid face everyday.
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No, you won't have to stare
No, you won't have to stare at her face every day ... unless you purposefully decide to be a doormat.
It's your house, right? In your name only? Then you have all legal rights to who stays and who doesn't.
I think the best response for you is to tell your DH that it's his daughter, his responsibility. And any solution to her living arrangement is between them - it does NOT include you or your home.
Your DH's easiest option would be to find SD a room to rent for the duration of her schooling. That rent should come out of his money, not yours and not your joint account (if you have one). SD should also find a part-time job to pay for her other living expenses.
If he insists he needs to provide a home for her, I would "show him the door" again but this time make it clear that he has a timeline to move out of that door - permanently.
When I had the nerve to
When I had the nerve to question it, I got the 'you knew I had a daughter when we got together. It's both or us or none of us.'
I knew that my DH had a daughter (2 of them, actually) but in no way did that mean they could move in with me as ADULTS. Once they were no longer minors, that was not an option.
Your SD needs to find a job and another option as soon as possible. Maybe she and some other girls from the school can get a place together. Until then, I would make sure your DH keeps his word about keeping her on a tight leash and following the rules.
Yep, in the end your DH
Yep, in the end your DH showed you the door you own and then shut it in your face.
"When I had the nerve to
"When I had the nerve to question it, I got the 'you knew I had a daughter when we got together. It's both or us or none of us.'"
Sorry, that logic only works when the person has a CHILD. SD18 is a grown woman. There is no reason for her to live with you. She can get a job while she goes to school.
You really need to put your foot down before she moves in. If she moves in with you, good luck on getting her out again. I don't believe your DH will do anything he says. If you own the house, you really need to show him the door. You don't have to let her move in, remember that.
Is it just me or does this
Is it just me or does this seem to happen a lot?
Skid ages out and suddenly they want to live with dad. BM is moving on with her life and now it's time for dad to take over.
Dad is thrilled because for the first time he feels like he's being chosen first over BM.
When in reality, the gravy has stopped and BM doesn't want to foot the bill for the expensive entitled adult she's created.
Yep, and dad feels that, for
Yep, and dad feels that, for the first time, he can really be there for his kid (without interference from BM). Great, teach her how to be independent and how to live on her own!
Agreed. And it plays out over
Agreed. And it plays out over and over and over on this site.
It would be better for you to
It would be better for you to kick him out to go live with his precious and you get an adult roommate to help you with expenses till your school is done.
If she moves in your marriage is as good as over. Your husband already has no respect for you in having made this decision without you.
So go ahead and rent that room that was to be SDs room. Hell rent any extra rooms and the sofa. Sorry no more room at the inn.
I half wonder if the stepdad
I half wonder if the stepdad can't stand looking at her as much as you can't and that is why they moving across the country. He paid his dues, got her to 18 and now it's hasta la vista baby.
I mean your DH knows her track record with jobs... didn't she have her last job for 1 freaking day before she got fired or quit for something stupid? She's way too fecking lazy to go to school AND work... you know it, I know it, your DH most certainly knows it... but wants to deny it.
Did you have your sit down meeting, just the three of you yet? or did DH refuse? I know everyone is talking about having her sign something or having a contract, but that's not going to amount to a hill of beans because your DH won't enforce it and won't kick her out if she breaks her end of the bargain. We already know all this.
fine fine you tried and you
fine fine you tried and you stepped down, DH made all these nice promises of what SD will do and her responsibilities.
Now it's time for action, immediately put lock on all the cupboards and get a key for fridges...
SD gets a bar fridge in her room to keep her food cool and fresh. She has no business in your cupboards, the rent she's paying is for water and electricity and using the washer and drier.
SD will not get the netflix/hulu/wifi account passwords, she can get her own. Same goes for cellphone, will not be on the family plan.
There will be a contract, SD will be cleaning and keep her room tidy and fresh, bathroom clean, laundry done weekly,
work during holidays and week-ends if she has no classes to attend. be at home not later then 11pm every night, if she's not in by then, tuff she sleeps in the garden.... put a bolt lock on the door you can lock up at night.
DH will confirm in this contact that he will make sure every thing happens and she keeps her side clean, also her dishes etc... 3 strikes and they both are out... make them both sign and get a witness to sign as well with you...
I will fly in if you need me for signing as a witness