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Hi, I just married my DH. He has two kids with is good for nothing ex wife.
The skid are troubled. My SD17 is distant, selfish, she is good hearted, a good student, but she knows in her heart the BM doesn't really care about her, so there is a void there.My SS13 is an angry, distant, lazy mess. He has missed so much school this year, that he simply isn't going to pass the 7th grade. He lives with Bm.. she doesn't know how to handle her mess now.. it was easier for her when she could just plunk him down infront of the TV or his video games,but now, he is older and more vocal and just last night he apparently got into a fight with her and called her a whore and kicked a hole in the wall. She ofcourse called DH and said as she usually does.. " take him" I don't want him " right in front of him. What kind of BM does this. She faught tooth and nail for him a few years ago.. so she could get child support and more welfare benefits.. but now she has a new BF ( with 3 kids of his own ) and her's have taken a back seat. She just expects us to take him? I don't want to.. not at all.. he is so far gone. I feel angry and put out bty even the suggestion. Why should I have to clean up her mess again. We have my SD177 full time and believe me.. this is quite enough... she has so many issues because of her BM... she is a hypocondriac for attention, she is self centered and feels an entitlement because of her pain... she has told me on more than one occasion that it is my job to make sure she has everything she needs. I disagree and I have tried many time to explain to her that she has two parents, they chose to have her and are responsible for her, I am like a gift.. I am here for her and will help her grow up and learn to be more independent and be a better example for her than Bm.. however the " extras" that I provided in the beginning ( my fault for trying to buy her affection )are gifts and I do them because I want to , not because I have to. I try to instill in her that no one owes her anything in this life, you have to go out and get what you want. I don't want her to be like her mother.
I am writing here because I am overwhelmed. I am over my head with the responsibilities, the demands, the future, the finances.. just everything. I feel like I am competing sometimes for the attention of DH, I feel like I made a mistake sometimes in marrying him because of all the inherited baggage, I feel like the Bm is still the puppet master of my DH and I feel cheated.. we did not have that honeymoon phase.. we did not get to have fun as a couple.. just him and I before being strapped down by kids and mostly I just feel bad for the resentment I have for these kids. More so the SS13 because he is such a mess and occupies so much of our time and energy when I know damn well BM doesn't give a shit and just goes on with her life... UGH
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Hi FedUp, you sound really
Hi FedUp, you sound really overwhelmed. Rightly so. It sounds like you've got A LOT going on with your family right now. Can I ask you why you married your DH?
You said, "I feel like I made a mistake sometimes in marrying him because of all the inherited baggage, I feel like the Bm is still the puppet master of my DH and I feel cheated.. we did not have that honeymoon phase.. we did not get to have fun as a couple.. just him and I before being strapped down by kids and mostly I just feel bad for the resentment I have for these kids"
Have you been feeling this way for some time? Before you decided to marry DH? If so, what made you go ahead and marry him?
Fedup... I agree with you,
Fedup... I agree with you, you are a "gift" parent and it is the parent's role to educate and support the kids. Your role in their lives ahd to be defined by what you and your DH agreed. If you agreed to have a contributory role in raising the kids than ask him to revisit the conversation and if you didn't than enough said, let him take over.
One can only hope!
Aw hunny, I totally feel ya.
Aw hunny, I totally feel ya. I have a horrible SD she is only 3! i cant wait to see what hell ill be puut through while she grows up. at least on the bright side for you his kid is closer to being an adult. Also we cant hate out hubbys for mkaing dumb decisions and being with dumb women and having children with them...as much as we would like to we cant. I have thought about divorce and i havent been married a year and its not bc of my hubby its bc i do not like his daughter. so just know vent to me whenever ill listen.
When it comes to parenting step kids.... lay down ground rules have set punishments (written down is good too) so there is no question if your b eing unfair. Be consistant. reward good behavior but do not condone bad behavior. being a step parent is way harder.
I have to comment of the son
I have to comment of the son that you say is too far gone. I dont think he is. He isn't getting the love he NEEDS from his BM so you being the SM should "step" in. I think if you start out slow by setting special time out just for you and him and do something that he enjoys and work from there he will start to change. It just sounds like he is trying to just get some love and attention from someone.... maybe he feels alone, not wanted by his BM or anyone for that sake. Put yourself completely into his shoes and see how you feel. And for the SD17 needs a reality check... you and your DH need to show her what her needs are... and that is food, shelter, water & clothing. Dont give in to her self praise that she is giving herself, it will be hard to have to deal with it, but it sounds like she is hard headed and going to the extreme is the only way to SHOW her what her needs are. And all in all you do have the responsiblity as much as their real parents because you are a main adult in their lives and you are to take care of them as you would your own. It seems to me that when the shit gets too deep you are ready bail.
I appreciate your POV... let
I appreciate your POV... let me just clarify.. we have SS13 every other weekend. I don't think I can undo all the bad things BM has done to him in 48 hours. I don't feel that it is my job to do so. He has no appreciation for his father, coming to our home or anything that we do, when he is here, he calls his BM and sits in the front of the TV..