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It's official. Dh is leaving me for Bm

fatetitch's picture

Submitted by fatetitch on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 3:46pm

Dh sent me a text last night asking if I could go to the house and talk. Deep down I knew that he was going to say. 

I went  to the house and we talked. He acknowledged where I was coming from and confirmed my feelings were vaild and how he should have at listen to me ,but in the end his heart is with Bm and wants to be with her again. Felt like a knife cut thorugh my heart. 

I explain that me showing him my post wasn't meant to cause him any harm and I was just really desperate for someone to hear me out. He said that he wasn't angry about that, he just didn't want to fight anymore and apologized again for not hearing me out. apologizedshowing him my post was not a good call on my part, and he said that he wasn't angry about that.  It was a normal conversation. Noting dramatic, but it still hurt. 

He went on to say that when news got to him about Bm diagnosis, It really got him. At first he really just wanted to make sure she was okay, and then then one long phone conversation led to another, and before he knew it he was missing her and the thought of losing her was too much to handel. They're marriage ended  because both of them spent a lot of time focusing on their careers, they barley had time for eachother and drifted apart. Now he says he sees her as the woman the fell in love with. I knew this was coming, but deep down I hoped that he would want to work on our marriage. 

We kept both of our assests  seperate from eachother, and because of his previous divorce, we signed both a prenup and postnup. The house that we lived in was his, but I paid for half of the upkeep. He is willling to buy himself out and pay me back for all that I put into it. He is going continue to be in our daughter's life, but he can't be my husband anymore. He's was being civil and mature about this. Maybe I'm being off base here, but it was getting irritated. Bm also sent me a long e-mail apologizing and how she didn't intend to cause any harm and that she was very sorry. 

 I felt like my whole world is upside down. I wanted my husband to my forever. I wanted to grow old with him, but if his heart is with Bm, then there's no point.  I haven't been able to stop crying.

 

Comments

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 4:23pm

Wow - that is pretty much every second wife's nightmare.  I don't even know what to say other than to send hugs.  I get that he is willing to "pay you back for what you put in" but I don't think it is out of line to expect him to compensate you for more than just that as if it were some sort of business transaction that did not work out.  He made promises, you had a child, and then he bailed when the siren song of romantic tragedy came calling.  And you are supposed to simply wish him well and gracefully back away with what you came with?  Yes, dignity is the order of the day but if he doesn't get that you deserve a bit of extra kindness on the way out then an attorney who is able to jostle his conscience would be in order.

And not to be crass but, if BM doesn't make it, don't be surprised if he comes sniffing back around for a shoulder to cry on and a warm bed to snuggle in to recover from his grief.  You may want to consider taking advantage of his current guilt and distraction with BM to put as much geographic distance between you as you can work with a reasonable custody sharing agreement.  Obviously with his caretaking he is not going to be able to be full-time daddy to a small child so you will be doing primary custody.  BM may not even want your child around reminding her of their time apart.  This would be a good time to beat feet and really start over to heal your wounds.

 

Toofreeforthis's picture

Submitted by Toofreeforthis on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 4:42pm

I'm angry on your behalf. This man should never have gotten remarried. I am so sorry he did this to you AND made you feel heartless and cold in the process. I'm all for walking away with dignity, but I'd be lawyering up hard as well.  As for the BM writing you? I don't know how it is any different from a mistress writing a wife that she is sorry she stole her husband.

 You will find so much better out there!!!

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 4:43pm

Wow, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine. And all the people commenting to say that you were being heartless. You knew in your heart that it was too much and something was wrong with the situation. That doesn’t help now, but... I hope you are able to move on and be happy. There is someone even better out there for you.Hugs.

NarcissisticSkids's picture

Submitted by NarcissisticSkids on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 4:46pm

Wow really sorry to hear your bad news...I think you have been pretty amazing through the whole crisis so far. Bet you five bucks if BM does not survive this, DH will be back at your door......

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 4:58pm

And this is exactly why men shouldn’t even consider dating until they are 1000 % sure they’ve healed from their past relationship. They hurt and damage other people doing this. 

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 6:26pm

I am sooooooooooooooooo sorry this happened to you. (((HUGS)))

I am sorry his ex was diagnosed with cancer. There is nothing good about any of this.

Very sad, just very sad.

amyburemt's picture

Submitted by amyburemt on Sat, 10/27/2018 - 11:26pm

He is a piece of crap. you have every right to the heartbreak and then the anger you will feel. Get a good lawyer. Once everything is finalized, move ahead and don't look back. those 2 deserve each other.

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Sun, 10/28/2018 - 8:02am

Just had to pop back on for a sec.  I was thinking about your situation last night and was so mad for you!!!  Once he moves in with BM, I would not be at all surprised if he wants to visit with your daughter at your house so that it does not impact his life.  No way, Jose!!!  If he wants to see her then he can do the full parenting experience and that includes having to take her back to BMs.  She is tired from Chemo and needs her sleep but a fussy active toddler is too much for her?  Then I guess he is not going to be able to have much custody, huh?  His choice as that is the lifestyle he has chosen.  But no way in hell should you be required to stay in town and provide "Daddy's Happy Little Visitation Center" for him to come to at his convenience.  Either he can share custody duties or he can't.  No one in the world - in court or out of it - is going to expect you to play happy host for him so that he doesn't have to "inconvenience" anyone but you after he has acted so shamefully.  But I would be shocked if he does not try to guilt you into it at some point!  

SMto2's picture

Submitted by SMto2 on Sun, 10/28/2018 - 10:11pm

This makes me so sad for you. I was definitely one of the people who thought the situation was not right. And I even read it to MY DH (very rare) and he completely agreed as well. I hope you move on with your daughter and let him have what he wants, as I agree it's likely he'll soon find out why he divorced her, if she even lives very long. (And I'm not wishing her dead or anything like that, just being realistic.) My first thought is that he'll come back to you. I hope you tell him he made his choice and he has to live with it. You did not deserve this. Be strong. This, too, shall pass.

And as for all those people who said you were overreacting, especially the one who said BM is no threat to you, seems they owe you a major apology. I'm so sorry again.

qtpie013178's picture

Submitted by qtpie013178 on Mon, 10/29/2018 - 3:50am

I’m so sorry. They are being terribly irresponsible, selfish and immoral. BM was wrong to ruin a family for her own comfort. I thought she was a manipulative witch from the other posts, but now it’s confirmed. Soon to be ex-DH has betrayed you in an unforgivable way. Get the best attorney possible, file now. Abandonment and adultery can void some nuptial agreements. At the minimum, child support including childcare is in order. Don’t make it easy for them. One word on chemo, the person’s body fluids  including  sweat become toxic during treatment, alot of cleaning is involved. I wouldn’t send a small child over there. Don’t take him back if she dies or goes into remission.  Unless he sees the error of his ways in the midst of her illness, you will always feel second best. You owe him and skids nothing.

DPW's picture

Submitted by DPW on Mon, 10/29/2018 - 8:19am

I am so angry with your DH and so incredibly devastated for you. I can't add any more valuable comments as the previous posters have made but simply wanted to post to let you know that you have my support in any way needed. 

classyNJ's picture

Submitted by classyNJ on Mon, 10/29/2018 - 9:39am

This breaks my heart!!!!  

She is sorry???  Really??  

Just remember, a good woman would NOT have gotten so far involved and let this happen.  I don't care how sick she is.  

They both deserve each other and whatever happens to them.

Big HUGE HUGS for you!

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Mon, 10/29/2018 - 12:22pm

I'm so sorry for you OP.  Please be careful though...as others said this thing between your DH and BM is nostalgia.  What was broken before will be broken again.  Don't let him slither his way back to you if it doesn't work out.  Onwards and upwards.  There is always someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated!