Widowed and fighting the world and me......
I think that is what I am realising is happening.
I never expected my mild mannered DH would be like this. But, 2 years after meeting, we only moved in together 6 months ago. I have been blaming mainly SD16 for all the black looks and outbursts, but it is now obvious to me that the fault lies at my DH's feet.
Instead of telling SD not to give me the 'treatment', the black looks etc, he just says, well, what do you expect, she'll always be on my side. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing by SD. Even when he can't avoid admitting she is stirring things, trying to put a wedge between us, somehow, he turns it all around to be my fault, my BD14's fault, or just the fact that he is her only parent (seems like no matter how hard I try, I will never make the grade.) Her mother died 5 years ago, and his guilt is so overwhelming, he really can't see the problem he is creating here. I have 2 BD's who are not comfortable here and are now mostly living with their BF.
So I must make a decision. I still love my DH dearly, but he is so hard to reach - he has so many issues going back to his wife. I just don't know what to do any more, everything seems to get blown out of proportion.
Please help - please give what guidance you can, I don't want to give up on this wonderful man, but I can't afford for him to hurt me or my girls any more.
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Oooh, I read an article a
Oooh, I read an article a few months ago... I think on MSNBC... that it usually takes widows/widowers approx. 7 years to heal from the loss of their spouse. I think what you're dealing with is probably a lot deeper than you ever realized. Maybe, before you give up, you could try to read up on the situation & what you should do in your position for him, your SD, yourself, & your BD's. I'm sure there are things out there on this subject. Good luck.
Hipi
Have you heard people say
Have you heard people say that when the mommie dies the BD becomes the wife? Not in the sexual way, but every other way. She is 16 so her role has been well established for at least 5 years. Both of them are treating you like you are the other woman and so you've got to decide if you want to continue on with this.
Talk to someone
a professional counselor, if you possibly can. No child should have the responsibility or privileges of taking on an adult role like that, that cannot be healthy for anyone involved.
So are you living together or are you married? Because if you are not legally bound yet I would definitely think twice about this. My gut tells me that he is hoping to have his cake and eat it too, that you will be the bad guy but still get her in line. If you can sort this out with an objective third party even by yourself, it may help sway you one way or another before you are stuck!
Meanwhile, you could try just taking over. Just ignore whatever she does or says ruling the roost, and continue with what you are doing, planning, cooking, etc. They may both want you to take over but not want to give you the satisfaction of saying so. I think they may even be relieved, but it is up to you, but that is the direct route to what you want. If it is really bad, what do you have to lose? But of course that is easy for me to say, but may be tough to do, but still.
Please let us know what happens . . . we are pulling for you!!
Most Evil
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats
Ignoring the SD
is something I'm trying. I have now told my fiance (we are living together 6 months) he can deal with her and I am just trying to do my own thing here. But it is so terrible, because she 'hogs' her Dad all the time, and I just feel outsider to everything. He constantly puts her first and is always siding with her over the pettiest things.
Thanks to everyone for your comments, it really does help to put things into perspective.
Just his statement...
that she's going to take his side...should tell you something. There shouldn't be sides, you should be united, then she has no options. Yes, it seems like he is working the situation. I think before you give up get some counseling, see if he will go with you.
Good Luck.