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My H thinks he let his adult children down because he started a new family

erandcj's picture

I am a mom of a 4 and 5 year old from a previous relationship and married a man much older who has 3 adult children (21,23,and 25). The one SS is actually dating my sister, and my bother married my H niece. My SC are all having relationship problems, and poor life choices. My H has made several comments that he feels he let his adult children down when he married into our new family. This bothers me a lot, because it sounds to me that he regrets getting married. Anyway, I really don't like my SD's H. He is a very poor fit for her. I can't talk about it with my H because he gets offensive. So....instead of talking about it with him, I talk to my sister-in-laws (my brother's wife and her mother...my H brother's W) because they don't like the SD H either. I know it's a bit confusing.. long story short: My friends are part of my H family, and he gets very upset when I discuss my feelings about my SC with them. He hasn't really talked to me in 2 weeks because he feels responsible for his adult childrens behavior and that I am making a bigger issue by talking to the few friends I have. When will he realize that his children are adults and he is not responsible for them anymore? He wasn't the problem to begin with, it's his ex-wife who didn't want anything to do with family bonding...my SC act just like her. Has anyone experienced something similar? Will my new family start to fall apart because he's still living in the previous? Please Help.

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Rubyslippers's picture

No one can choose who someone else loves and spends their life with.

Your H does need to prioritize the marriage.His children are grown.I know how that is.The guilt/fear factor of a H toward his AK's that bring problems into the marriage.

By talking about the SD's H and how he isn't a good fit for her is doing the same to her as the H and/or his AK's are doing to you and your marriage.Avoiding the SD's disliked H as much as you can but cease talking about him to other family members would probably benefit you and your relationship with your H.Dislike of SD's H isn't worth trouble in your marriage.

How or when your H realizes his kids are ADULTS is up to him.It's frustrating,I know.Have you asked him in what ways he feels he has let them down by marrying?Ask him for specifics.I'd stay friends with your H's family but seek to make some friends that aren't in the family.

If my DH said he's let down his AK's bc of marrying me I'd freak out...but thats me.Thankfully I haven't encountered that.Do you think the talking about SK's to family may be the reason he feels this way?