Troubled SD
I have been a SP for 5 years. I have 3 BS 10 years old and 12 years old with my first husband and a 3 year old with my CH. My CH has a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. Both of us have 50% legal and physical custody of our children. Since the beginning of this year, my 15 year old SD has been acting out. It started with skipping school, failing grades and lying about her whereabouts. In April of this year, she and her father had a falling out and both said some truly hurtful things to one another and the conclusion was, between them, that she would not return to our home but stay with her mother. Since then she has snuck out of her mother’s house, verbally and physically abused her mother, run away several times, snuck out of the house and was in a horrendous car accident @ 3 am and had to be flown by helicopter to Shock Trauma, went into counseling, was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs, hooked more school, smokes pot, told her father that she hates him and never wants to be around him or me ever again and, most recently, was suspended from school.
My problem is that SD was abruptly dropped on our doorstep Wednesday night because of a physical argument between her and her BM and I’ve learned that her BM plans to press charges against her. I guess this means SD's with us for the duration. The sad thing is that my husband refuses to talk about it, I had to learn this information from my MiL. My BS are not with us this weekend but will be back on Monday. I’m worried about my personal safety as well as that of my children now that we have resumed custody of a troubled teenager with violent tendencies. My mother is highly alarmed that if I don’t do something drastic, this child could turn violent against me and/or my husband and children. I don’t know what she’s capable of but I don’t want to sit around and find out either.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
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Maybe....
tell her she is on strict probation from the get-go. If she does ANYTHING to violate your rules, she's gone. I would look into halfway houses and boarding schools for such troubled teens.Throw her into counseling as well, who knows what happened to her to cause her to be violent. Almost always there is some underlying reason.
I agree with your mom, a 15 year old that is willing to physically abuse her mom, I'm sure is willing to abuse her stepmom and siblings as well.
Good luck!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I think You're Right
I've been considering what's going to happen tonight when I get home from work and I think you're right. First, I need to insist on a serious conversation with husband. If we can't come to some agreement as to what the ground rules are going to be for her and he just stays in this state of denial, we're going to have to reach for outside help. I haven't looked into the halfway houses yet but the boarding schools are astronimically out of our budget.
She has been in counseling sporadically for the past several years but I'm not privy to their conclusions, and frankly, she's such a master manipulator, she more than likely tells them what they want to hear so she can get out of there.
Thanks for responding.
Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder
See if she is symptomatic. Sudden bursts of anger and hostility are a major symptom along with feelings of worthlessness. I would say first and foremost, get her evaluated before you make any drastic decisions. You can print of information from the internet and present it to DH in the strictest interest of EVERYONE involved, including his daughter....He probably wants to help her as much as you don't want her to be violent in your home.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I took your advice
and we had a series of conversations on the topic. While I definitely believe there is some sort of personality/psychological disorder, DH says he does not subscribe to the mentality that there is a pill for everything that ails you and he really doesn't care if she takes her medication or not because he doesn't believe in it. He told me he told BM that if SD attacks someone in our house, he will kick her out...comforting huh?
I had the talk/argument/discussion
I don't know what to do now. I talked to him and what he actually told me (in a nutshell was that) he can not tolerate being around my children either (so I guess we're even?!) I told him my children practically get straight A's, never skip school and have never given me a bit of trouble..what reason could you possibly have for disliking them? SD has earned my intolerance with (in addition to) her personal attacks on me, her inability to excercise any self control for starters.
I just talked to my mom because she was concerned for me on Friday when we last spoke and now she's furious that her GC is sleeping on the floor in his BB room. I hate it when she gets frustrated with me, she starts threatening, "DH better not ever expect me to fall all over SD ever again. That's it. I'm done and I can NOT believe you would put up with this," she hissed at me. Pile it on people...this is just what I need now.
d
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The Saga Drags On
Every day brings a new adventure but not the kind that I typically look forward to. Thank you Most Evil for your concern and kind words, I'm plodding forward and taking one day at a time.
I've spoken to my cousin who works in the education system to explain to me what is going on with SD (she goes to Credit Recovery everyday for 2 hours) because DH doesn't have an idea and frankly he must not care because my ass would be on the phone with every person in the school system if it were my kid. For the next 5 weeks she has to go to the Board of Education for 2 hours, she's not even allowed in the school building. As I understand, this is the last straw before she's expelled so if she misses any of these sessions she won't be able to reapply for school until next fall. Her GM picks her up every day and stays with her until yesterday when GM decided she would no longer be doing that because, "If (SD) doesn't care, I don't either." It's just a recipe for disaster leaving this kid alone (and in my house...you're right Most Evil, I lock my bedroom door every day before I leave) and I'm expecting to go home one day and find my house either vandalized, burned to the ground or at the very least, her having run away.
This morning she had some appointment that no one told me about and I could tell she was trying to figure out how she was going to get there when she asked me what time I get to work. Her BM wouldn't answer her phone so the kid just walked out the door. The humanitarian part of me felt bad for a split second until I gave my head a shake. If this were me at that age, I'd have been suicidal, but then again, I wouldn't have gotten myself to the point where I had been alienated by everyone including my biological parents. It's truly a pathetic situation if you think about it.
All I know at this point is that I have 3 little boys that I need to keep as far away from her influences as possible. I told my oldest (12), "Don't engage her in conversation, don't believe a word she says, don't tell her what you're doing or who you know, don't act like you're interested in anything she says, and don't acknowledge that you're related to her in any way if her name comes up at school." I just spend every home minute concentrating on my children and their school work and their reports. She's too far gone but it's nerve-wracking wondering what the next trick up her sleeve will be and how/if any of us will be affected by it.
You said this started at the
You said this started at the beginning of the year...Has she always been prone to this kind of behavior before? She's got some serious anger issues, & I wonder what the source of it is. I mean, there's no excuse for being violent, but maybe that's the only way she can handle whatever it is she's trying to deal with, whether it's a traumatic experience or a chemical imbalance.
Hipi
It's been Snowballing for Years
This is how I understand the unfolding of this child's life. Her father left her mother after 12 years of marriage. Her mother has 3 children from a previous relationship in addition to her. BM tried to overcome the anger of being abandoned by venting to a tender 10 year old (and I'm sure quite broken-hearted) accusing dad of assorted sins that I'm sure were apalling for a young girl to hear. BM even sent the child into dad's new house to look for evidence of such sins while BM waited in the driveway. Though all this turmoil, SD has a strong allegiance to her BM (believing that her evil dad abandoned her and mom) and starts refusing to go with dad when he would pick her up for visitation.
She starts having difficulties getting along with peers. Always more on the precocious side, she starts getting into the habit of telling grandiose stories and lying for attention. I guess peers see she's full of shit after a time and turn their backs on her.
SD and BM get into a physical argument over a tv set and things escalate. BM bites SD so hard on the back that it nearly broke the skin and left a mouth-shaped bruise. SD gets taken away from BM and placed in our care. The only way she can see BM is through supervised visitation one night a week. DH and I (the ever supportive new wife) launch a court battle to have custody reversed so that BM gets every other weekend and we have majority custody. SD announces this does not suit her and that the most she's willing to stay w/Dad is 50/50...so we settle on that.
BM transfers SD to another school (now she's in the 7th grade) b/c she fakes sick all the time at old school and makes herself throw up so she doesn't have to go...basically she has no friends and she dreads going. She starts skipping middle school after 1st semester, starts performing disappearing acts etc. We don't know her grades because BM doesn't forward them, I have a feeling b/c they weren't too good. Fast forward to high school. First semester seems to go alright, she actually enrolls in the ROTC program and we're thinking this might turn her around. Come to find out, she was doing it because she had a crush on a guy who wasn't interested so she dropped out of that. Runs away from BM's home several times, sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night and goes galavanting around town at all hours spending the night who know's where and having the police pick her up. Has a major fight w/Dad and refuses to come to our house ever again.
At this point, must be having problems at school b/c all of a sudden, wants to move to California. SD gets home to BM's house after school, gets on her bike and pedals about 25 miles to a major bridge and is picked up on the bridge (no pedestrians allowed) by police at 3 am. When the current semester started she was in the bad car accident and rarely went to school hence the credit recovery program she's enrolled in now.
So you see, I agree that there is deep anger issues that have been escalating ever since her parents divorce. I don't see a turnaround much less have any hope that anything positive is going to come of this.
Quite honestly, both parents
Quite honestly, both parents have a lot to atone for. They need to sit down together with THEIR DAUGHTER and make sure she knows that she is in no way to blame for anything that has happened. She basically feels that her father abandoned her, as well as her mother. She was ten, at the age where she's finalizing her personality, when kids should be firming up their self-esteem. And the man in her life leaves. Did he sit down and explain to her the situation. She's old enough to be aware of things. Who knows what her mother told her. Who knows if her mother blames her for her father leaving. IT sounds like she is crying out for help. She is angry because that is the only time she probably gets a reaction out of her parents. They need to sit down with her, and make sure that she knows that she is loved.
PAS strikes again
It sounds like the BM has created a monster of sorts in SD, who is given the responsibility of an adult role being the mom's confidante and anger buddy without the maturity or outlet or example of how to handle her anger in a better way. The BM set the daughter up for these problems by encouraging her anger, but is mad now that it has turned on her.
I think the BM is key in getting this situation under control, by calming down and saying, the divorce is over and we are moving on. If she won't she is perpetuating this cycle and the SD and English! are paying. Someone who BM will listen to should tell her this.
It is also possible you could have SD committed somehow? given the concerns that she may have a condition she needs to be treated for. I know that seems extreme but to me usually when someone acts irrationally they either do have a valid mental problem or there is drug use involved. I say this after having some things similar in our family too.
I feel really bad for all you guys and think SD does need someone on her side if anyone can possibly do it or even go thru the motions. I think that ideally that person would be either DH and/or BM, but maybe GM (grandmother?) could be talked into trying again. English is not the one to do this, she has her own kids to think of and their safety! But maybe you can facilitate somehow with GM/DH.
Please keep us posted. I will pray for you guys (I do not mean to preach or offend, really, but hey, it can't hurt, right?). Most Evil
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats
Most Evil...Most Wise
What an enlightening first paragraph. You have amazing insight and brought up another aspect I'd never considered...it freshens my perspective.
I just got off the phone with MIL and maybe I got carried away venting about this whole situation but I feel like I'm going to blow. She was very understanding and said she'd take SD off our hands for a weekend or whatever we need. I was thankful for that.
The biggest irony here is how much this young girl has turned everyone's lives upside down. It's like we're puppets (all trying to keep her out of trouble) in her play and she has control of all of us and, honestly, I'm convinced she knows it and is revelling in that knowledge.
I truly appreciate your prayers and thoughts and taking your time to help. It really is giving me more and more strength at a time when I couldn't muster up enough to get out of my own way.
Hey!
Awww, I am glad it helped get ya thru for the moment . . . That's what friends are for!
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats