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How I treat BM as a persona non grata

EmmaGirl's picture

I haven't really written nor talked about BM before I discovered this website But since I am a stepmom, I thought I'd share this:

BM is probably the most wicked, cunning, fake, manipulative, ugly, and horrendous woman ever. She can be nice to people when facing them but behind their backs, she turns into a monster who'd spend the whole day gossiping and spreading false rumors about people [us in particular]. She wants people to believe that she's the best when the truth is, she's reeking with evilness. Believe me, I am not the only one who think of her like this: DH thinks so, their common friends think so, and other people who know her also think so.

So DH and BM share 50/50 custody of SK, which means SK is over at our house half the time (1 week at a time). I am not excited when he is around coz I know he can be a handful although he doesn't really cause us major trouble.

Several months ago, I told myself that I will never ever give a shit about BM (now I am giving her an iota of my time, but posting here is an exception) and I have succeeded in doing so. No matter how much she tried, she gets nothing from us and if SK is not my husband's kid, I won't even care to look at him.

These are the things that I am doing to spare myself from headaches:

1. Whenever BM emails, I don't even read it, I automatically delete it and completely delete it from my trash. If DH receives an email, he reads it but doesn't reply (and he does this in his own volition). If it's needed, he replies with a very short email.

2. When BM picks up SK, I [we] don't even care to send SK to the door -- we don't even care to see her [BM's] face. Yes, no "Hi" nor "Hello."

3. She doesn't know our direct phone numbers. She calls a third party whenever she has a message for us. That third party then relays the message to us.

4. If she sends / gives us something through SK, I automatically put that in the trash.

5. We gave her a monicker: The Giant Whale

6. We set all out MySpace and Facebook into private because i know that she always Googles us

7. When I blog, I make sure that I only talk about my happy life with DH and my son. No mention of the SK, ever.

8. Although I talk to SK and I am nice to him, I sometimes ignore him when he becomes too annoying, like when he says, "Veggies are the yuckiest thing ever," I would pretend not to hear or pretend that he is not around.

9. I make SK feel that we have our own privacy and that he shouldn't impose on what he wants when he is around us. He should abide by our rules.

10. When SK shouts at my son, I sometimes want to reprimand him but I always successfully control my anger. Instead I resort to sarcastic remarks like, "When you are at BM's house, do you also shout at your half sisters [BM's kids with her new husband]" and when he says, "No," I say, "Then don't shout at my son"

11. I only prepare for my son's breakfast. I never prepared for SK's meals.

12. When SK wants DH to sleep beside him, I insist that DH sleep beside me because I am the wife and SK should sleep in the other room.

13. There's a firm rule around the house that SK is not allowed to tell BM anything about us nor what's going on inside our household

14. Like some of the step moms here, I don't make up his bed nor wash his laundry. I am not his nanny.

15. I don't attend SK's school activities because I don't want to see BM. But even then, attending his school activities is not my priority.

16. I let DH worry about SK and issues about him. If he needs to deal with BM, I am fine with that.

17. BM will never be welcome in our house.

18. I won't even believe in BM's acts of kindness.

19. I don't buy SK anything except food. I mean, why would I spend money on him? BM tells everyone that she's rich so she should spend on her own child!

I know some of these are mean things but these really help me in trying to live a happy and normal life. I don't even feel like we're second family. I always felt that I am DH's true love and BM was a mistake and although SK doesn't cause us any trouble, life would be simpler if he were not around. If I deal with BM like most step moms do, I'd probably go crazy and won't last in this marriage, but I won't let external things [including BM] influence my life. I always remind myself that SK and BM will always be outsiders in the family although I treat SK with so much respect as well.

Comments

PnutButta's picture

"BM is probably the most wicked, cunning, fake, manipulative, ugly, and horrendous woman ever. She can be nice to people when facing them but behind their backs, she turns into a monster who'd spend the whole day gossiping and spreading false rumors about people [us in particular]. She wants people to believe that she's the best when the truth is, she's reeking with evilness. Believe me, I am not the only one who think of her like this: DH thinks so, their common friends think so, and other people who know her also think so. "

Welcome to my world. Is your BM a pathological liar too?

I've considered disengaging, but to be honest, I am afraid that DH will get really pissed off and it may seriously damage our relationship. How does doing this affect your relationship with your DH? Was it this way from the beginning or did you just gradually make this decision? If you don't mind me asking, that is.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

EmmaGirl's picture

We talked about it from the start. I said, wow BM is just plain wicked... like I cannot imagine dealing with her. Sometimes I cannot believe that I am kind to SK, who is part of BM. I think the only consolation is the realization that SK is the son of the man I love -- therefore I treat him nicely but with boundaries.

Re; my attitude towards BM, DH understands completely. In fact, both of us are like this towards BM. The only difference is he sometimes replies to her emails and has to attend SK's activities. Other than that, we ignore him. He realized that he made this stupid mistake of marrying her and he now looks at her horribly [now you know BM really didn't something to us that we cannot forget]

I don't know about you but disengaging and being indifferent towards BM gave me a new life and a peaceful mind. Before I married DH, I was comfortable of the fact that he fathered a kid with a horrible woman but he assured me that everything will be fine. He needs to keep his promise.

misguided's picture

One question and this isn't a judgement but something I hope you consider. How would you feel if your child's step mom treated your child the same way you treat your sk? If you are ok with it then great, if not then maybe you should rethink your behaviour with sk? I think the way you are dealing with BM is briliiant.

EmmaGirl's picture

My child has no step mom coz I wasn't married in the past. Actually, I am a bad step mom towards SK [in fact he tells everyone that he likes me -- yes despite not preparing his meals but he knows why!] but I guess my post makes me look bad or what. I am more of "indifferent" towards BM and semi-indifferent towards SK. I think being indifferent is the greatest weapon. I ignore and I refuse to let him lord over us... in a quiet way and under agreement with DH.

I already told DH that I will never ever shout at SK nor reprimand him even if I feel like doing it. I don't want him to run to BM and tell her Step Mom did this, did that. Then BM will go around telling people that I am such a monster [believe me she does this all the time!]

isthis4me's picture

Preparing your kids meals and SK, like your kid will eat right in front of SK and you won't offer SK? I hope not, that is not right to do to even a guest, especially when you say the SK is not that bad.....

EmmaGirl's picture

Oh I encourage him to eat healthy meals, even told him I'd buy him toys if he eats veggies. His reply? "Veggies are the yuckiest stuff ever! Ewww!"

Gestalt's picture

that the list equates with treating the child badly. The only think on the list I thought for sure I would never do is make breakfast for the one child and exclude the other.

Otherwise, I think if she found a system that works for her family, that's awesome. Whatever works is the best thing.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

EmmaGirl's picture

I don't treat my SK like he's totally unwanted. I just don't want him to be comfortable to the point of being too imposing. Don't get me wrong, I treat him with all decency but there are times when he gets too annoying and that's when I keep quiet and try to contain my anger. Then I secretly hope that he doesn't exist, because life is indeed more blissful if he didn't happen in the first place [don't we all wish that DH didn't have kids with anyone else or he was never married in the past?] There are reasons why I treat him like that. Let me explain why I treat him so:

8. Although I talk to SK and I am nice to him, I sometimes ignore him when he becomes too annoying, like when he says, "Veggies are the yuckiest thing ever," I would pretend not to hear or pretend that he is not around.

Note: I know BM feeds him junk and I am appalled at the idea that he doesn't eat but junk. When I cook something that my kid loves and I share it with him, he'd say, "Ewww... that's soo stinky," "Ewww... that's so yucky"

-What's so yucky about veggies, chicken, seafoods, pork, and beef? I tell you he's a super difficult eater and that reflects how "great" a mother BM is!

9. I make SK feel that we have our own privacy and that he shouldn't impose on what he wants when he is around us. He should abide by our rules.

-When he is with us, he acts like he should get everything... he just doesn't care about the people around him and my son. I know there are rules at BMs so it's but appropriate that we set our own rules

10. When SK shouts at my son, I sometimes want to reprimand him but I always successfully control my anger. Instead I resort to sarcastic remarks like, "When you are at BM's house, do you also shout at your half sisters [BM's kids with her new husband]" and when he says, "No," I say, "Then don't shout at my son"

- My son is baby and doesn't know what he's doing but SK treats him like he intentionally messes up with his stuff. This part really make my blood boils but I don't try to shout at him nor reprimand him. I try to make him realize that what he's doing to my son is not right and if he doesn't do that to anyone, he shouldn't do that to his own brother

11. I only prepare for my son's breakfast. I never prepared for SK's meals.

- Like I said, SK thinks all food is yucky. He only eats junk food while I trained my son to eat veggies since he started eating so he's really a healthy eater. I told DH to prepare SK meals because I cannot imagine giving him things that he eat!

12. When SK wants DH to sleep beside him, I insist that DH sleep beside me because I am the wife and SK should sleep in the other room.

- What would you feel is SK insists that your husband sleeps beside him and not on the same bed as you?

13. There's a firm rule around the house that SK is not allowed to tell BM anything about us nor what's going on inside our household

14. Like some of the step moms here, I don't make up his bed nor wash his laundry. I am not his nanny.

- SK is old enough to do all these things. He doesn't help out around the house one bit. Sometimes when I cannot stand the mess, I tell DH to tell SK to fix his bed. DH does his laundy.

15. I don't attend SK's school activities because I don't want to see BM. But even then, attending his school activities is not my priority.

- I think if I see BM, it will be World War III. I rather not and SK never asked me to go. DH attends all activities. We have no problem on this arrangement. BM also knows that she did super horrible things to me/us and doesn't wonder why I don't attend her son's activities.

19. I don't buy SK anything except food. I mean, why would I spend money on him? BM tells everyone that she's rich so she should spend on her own child!

- DH and I agreed that he needs to deal with BM re SK, and that includes sharing expenses with her. He has a looottt of stuff. I don't shop for him. DH does. If ever I'll buy something for him, it will be food -- his favorite junk food as per SK request.

Last night DH and I talked about SK and he agrees that I am being a good step mom and I treat him decently and nicely [I don't understand the negative reactions here, maybe it's the way I wrote everything] and in turn, he can tell that SK treats me with so much respect.

But still, I wish BM and SK don't exist and we have DH all to ourselves.

Anne Summers's picture

Hi Emma,

Honestly, it sounds as though this "arrangement" is working out for your situation. I have read this entire post, along with the comments back to you, and do not feel that you are being harsh. I have heard much worse on here and other places, trust me.

I'm not certain how old your step-son is, but it sounds like he is old enough to be a brat. To me, stepping outside of the situation only helps the sanity of you and your household.

I understand where you are coming from with some of the scenarios you mentioned---

1. My SD whines too, which is what it sounds like your SS does.

2. My SD only receives junk food while in the care of BM (or whomever BM tosses SD to for the moment). This junk food eating is truly starting to show because when we picked up SD for summer visitation she has gotten bigger (BM has blown up like a balloon too---you could put her on her side and roll her down the street literally---it's sad). When SD came over we weighed her, she was about 10 pounds shy of being 100 pounds and she is only 8 years old!

3. My SD whines about everything she does not like, want to do, etc!! Drives us bonkers.

4. Disrespectful behavior, such as yelling at your son or anyone else, should be dealt with. I think you dealt with it fine. My DH has even harkened the same type of question to SD---"Do you act like this at school, at BM's, etc?" When SD replies "No", DH in turns states "Then why must you act like this here?" It embarrasses the child and makes them think about how they are behaving. I agree with this tactic. For example, folks, let say you were taking an twelve year old to a funeral---have to be quiet and respectful, right?---what if this child starts wailing at the top of his lungs? Don't you think you could ask, "Do you act like this at church?"

In the beginning I was taking on a lot of the disciplinary rules/actions for both kids. However, I realized this was driving me crazy and harming our relationship. Thus, as of now, I feel SD has two parents---both older than I am---that should be responsible adults with the ability to teach this child how to behave, live, eat, etc. If they flub up their own kid that is on their heads---not mine. I have my own son to worry about and raise.

I totally understand where you are coming from on all of the issues you mentioned. You are doing a good job. Your SS already has two, hopefully competent, parents that need to own up to their little "mistake" and deal. There is no reason for you to attend as the third wheel, referee, mommy dearest or whatever else. You handle the situation as it works out for you, your DH and your son.

I don't see where you have been cruel in your behavior towards your SS. I only see where you have allowed your DH and BM to do the job of actually parenting their own kid. How is that wrong? I am not sure why some people seem to think we need to be the super-mommy and swoop in to save a child that already has two parents in the picture.

Take Care,
Anne

"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."

melis070179's picture

We do things a little differently regarding the food. I prepare the meals and SS whines. Too bad! My son doesn't get to eat fun foods and junk all the time, neither will SS. He eats what I make or he doesn't eat. Same with my son. But SS is only here once a year, if that (sometimes we visit in his state instead) so we don't have a lot fo the other issues. I would put my foot down about the food though. As your son gets older, thats not going to be fair to him! Why should he have to eat his veggies but SK gets to eat junk?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Angel's picture

I didn't cook for SS either. Nor buy his food. Since our money is separate, why should I shop and cook for them? My dh was single for a long time & always shopped & cooked for his kids. What----I was going to sweep in and be the martyr and take away all his woes because I have a uterus? NO! His child, his problem & joy.
I handled things similarly to you & they have worked out. His kids don't hate me, in fact, I have their respect.
Hang in there.

I have never seen nor met biomom!!!

goodmom's picture

I'm kindof baffled as well. This doesn't sound like a marriage but rather a competition where marks are constantly being kept. There is jjust no team work any where and my partnership with DH is the only thing that keeps me up and going at times. How can couples survive circumstances like this where EVERYTHING is yours and mine? I just can't relate.

Again it it just beyond my comprehension why people would marry a person with kids and then act like the kids are a big thorn in their sides. If you knew the kid existed and you didn't want to deal then why did you marry that person? I guess I just come from the camp that when you marry a man with kids you just married his past and if you can't handle it then everyone involved is going to be miserable so what was the point???

It's like being an emotinal cutter. You inflict yourself with all this stress and anxiety. I just can not relate.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Angel's picture

And happily married.

Not all households are alike. Things change as you get older. I know it is hard to understand but it does work.

And we do share food...I just let him do the grocery shopping!

EmmaGirl's picture

Believe me, SK is old enough to do things on his own.

But while I don't prepare his meals, I DO ask him what he wants to eat and when he says something foreign [you know junk foods' names and labels are all foreign to me] and I don't know what that is, I just tell him, "Wait for DH to prepare your meals."

I don't hate him. I talk to him but I step back when I get annoyed. Somehow I am relieved that he's not THAT great of a kid all along, as opposed to what BM claims, but he's better than most SK's I guess. He easily understands rules. I am trying to love him like my own but most of the time, I associate him as BM's son so I couldn't really bring myself to love him completely. Also, I can't be his nanny. I mean geez, I won't dare wipe his mouth! And yes, He is OLD enough to do all these things!

EmmaGirl's picture

Believe me, SK is old enough to do things on his own.

But while I don't prepare his meals, I DO ask him what he wants to eat and when he says something foreign [you know junk foods' names and labels are all foreign to me] and I don't know what that is, I just tell him, "Wait for DH to prepare your meals."

I don't hate him. I talk to him but I step back when I get annoyed. Somehow I am relieved that he's not THAT great of a kid all along, as opposed to what BM claims, but he's better than most SK's I guess. He easily understands rules. I am trying to love him like my own but most of the time, I associate him as BM's son so I couldn't really bring myself to love him completely. Also, I can't be his nanny. I mean geez, I won't dare wipe his mouth! And yes, He is OLD enough to do all these things!

Smonster's picture

I just wish my DH would quit asking me to go to school/game functions. I can't stand to look at BM's fake face. He always gets angry when I say no, I'm not going. You think after 6 years he would be use to it.