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Just needing to vent!!

dread_summer's picture

I met a man 7 years ago after my 27 year marriage ended. We were good together. I fell so much in love with him. He had 3 children from a previous marriage, ages 6,8,& 14, at that time. They lived with there mom. The first summer we had them (3 months) was very hard on me as they didn't seem to like me from the start. I knew it was going to be rough on them, because they saw their dad with someone other then MOM. So I was very careful on how I handle having them in my home. The first week the 8 year old (boy) carved his name in my antique table that has been in the family forever. He not only carved his name once, but three times. Angel his dad asked why he did it and he said his oldest sister (J) told him to. Angel sent him to sit on couch for punishment. 10 min. later Angel told him to go out and play. The summer was full of distruction of my things, and steeling things, and lying. Before his children came out I went and spent a lot of money on them to make them feel comfortable in a new place. Toys, cloths, etc. As my kids were grown I didn't have things around for small children. When they left that first summer and went back home, I was cleaning up the room they stayed in. I opened up closet only to find a large trash bag full of everything I bought them all riped to shreads. (everything) When I told (A), he said he would talk to them. To this day I don't think he ever did.
Angel wanted us to move to TX. I agreed. He wanted to be close to his kids. Each summer It is the same thing. We get them for 3 months and they still have no respect for me or my things. I have talked to Angel many times, asking him to discipline his children. Don't get me wrong I have also tried to discipline them but I get the your not my mother attitude. Our friends, his family, the pastor who took care of his kids while we worked, have all talk to Angel and told him that he needs to do something with his children. He say's that I make his life miserable when his kids are here because, alls I do is complain about the way they act. They went into my bedroom and went in my draw and read my journal. He did nothing. There is so much more but this would go on forever. This year (3 weeks before his kids were due to come again) Angel told me he was moving out for the summer. I was kind of shocked. He told me he was wanted to keep everyong happy this year. He told me he would be back in 3 months and would come see me once a week. WELL I was so mad at what he was telling me, that I told hime if he walked out on our relationship he could just stay gone. I was angry that he wouldn't stand up to his children, be a father and tell them I was the one he wanted to be with. That they needed to respect me and my things. I told him if his kids didn't ever like me it was ok but , they did need to show me respect. Well Angel left 2 weeks ago and i haven't heard form him since. Heart broken, mad, angry, and lost.

Comments

Cruella's picture

Your DH is not right. I would have a fit if my skids did that to my things and I would demand that both DH and BM replace everything the kids destroyed. You have a right to be angry, mad, and lost. He is not standing up for you. I know that it hurts but it sounds to me he needs to stay gone if he can't get his children to show not only you respect but respect for his home as well. You need to DEMAND the respect in your home. I wouldnt take him back. HE is going to the extreme by moving out.

Sebbie's picture

NCP should have rights too! I think that is the way we have to be. The same rules apply to my children as it ss when he is in our home. They all follow the rules or they have DH and me to deal with. You have every right to expect DH children to respect you and the things in your home,and DH is way the hell outa line pulling the " I'll just move out for 3 months b.s" I agree with Cruella, he wouldnt be coming back in my home...that is the ultimate disrespect to you..and that is something no woman desearves!

Anne 8102's picture

Change the locks. Life is too short to spend it being treated like shit by someone else's kids and having the man in your life allow it to happen.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

goingcrazy's picture

it seems, if DH cannot be united with you and have enough respect for you as his wife, then he needs to where her is. But, I know how hard it is to have him gone. I would be heartbroken. Just remember that he is in a really tough spot. Those are his kids and he is not turning his back on them. He probably just feels really lost and helpless. But, he is not handling it the proper way. I would recommend that you and he get some couseling to deal with this. A little therapy during during the summer might also help the kids accept you.

Nymh's picture

I think he is only encouraging this type of behavior by giving in to it. He has proven to them that they can chase him away from any woman they want to. He has proven to you that his kids matter more to him than you do. He has proven that he places more interest in keeping things the way they are than working on improving the situation.

My opinion, take it or leave it - but what I would do if I were in your shoes would be to tell Angel that he can stay gone until he is willing to recognize that he and his children are in need of help. You have done nothing but try to help them and make them feel loved and like they belong. Of COURSE you complain about their behavior - they're brats! If he is unwilling to see that and agree to find constructive ways to work on it, I'd tell him to stay right where he is.

You deserve more than just 9 months a year. You deserve more than a relationship with a man who allows his children to dictate to him who and when he is to love someone. I think that he and his children need counseling. I also think that seeing them more often, in YOUR home, would help. But if he is unable to see the error in his and his children's ways...I think you have better things to do than allow yourself the pain that you've gone through for so long regarding this situation.

I know it's hard and I know you love him...but sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away. The way I see it, he made the decision for you when he moved out.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Anonymous's picture

I really give you credit to even allow those heathens back into your home after the first summer. In fact, I think that was probably a mistake because something is very wrong with those kids. Its not normal to be so destructive and is indicative of a much larger problem. Apparently, your DH didn't warn you about BEFORE the marriage.
Instead of being depressed, file papers and start dating and enjoy life and the fact you'll never have to see those brats again. I agree life is too short to get involved and stay with idiots like that. I can only add that he is an extremely selfish person and probably why he is divorced from the first one. Pick yourself up, live and learn and never allow someone to destroy your property again. After the table incident I would have tossed them out on their ear, and they would have found some of their property destroyed. In fact, a good lesson for them because they would have felt what you did upon finding their own things destroyed.
Yes change the locks immediately!

Anonymous's picture

but if I were you, I'd take off and leave. There is NO WAY a man should treat his wife this way. I'm not exactly sure why men of divorce put their children above their marriages...even a religious man, when the bible actually says to put your "spouse" first, not your children...isn't that right? Somehow, once divorced, these men feel that everyone must do as they want, in order to keep their children happy...I tell you what...If you were married and those were your kids and they disrespected you in that manner or did ANYTHING in your house that you did not approve of, he'd scream...for some reason, just because they are not your kids, people feel the need to allow these kids to do as they please in YOUR house...and no, I hate the "it's their house too" BS...fact is, NCP pays CP child support for them to have a HOME...that HOME is with their CP, not with you...they are visitors in your home, who just happens to be that their dad lives there too...but most of all, it is YOUR house, not theirs...Growing up, that's what MY parents and parents of intact families told their kids...IT'S MY HOUSE and you do as I say...so, why is it that when parents are divorced it's actually "the kids' house"...NO...Do not let him get away with it. If you are not important enough for him to stay with you and work through it, then take off immediately...I know it's hard because you love him, but love yourself more than you love anyone else out there...much less someone who doesn't put you first...

I'd call him immediately and tell him to come pick up his stuff...give him a time period, put an ad in the paper and get rid of his stuff...if the house is under his name, then move out...period.

Nymh's picture

What are you talking about, we're all evil...

*~So sayeth Nymh~*