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Frustration to the max

Drea830's picture

Submitted by Drea830 on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 2:49pm

Okay, I'm 3 months out from marrying an amazing man. He's not perfect as no one is, and myself included, but is overall wonderful. The issue I've got is I can't seem to settle as well are prepping for our marriage and his ex wife gets more and more invasive with me. To start, she used to be invited to every family holiday and my fiancé would take her daughter one night a week. Of course once I joined the mix things became complex. BM at first acted polite, but would do the equivalent of what is call emotionally pissing all over me. She would refuse to even use my name or address me in conversation, twisted things I said to make me look like some

cillian who didn't care about the kids or her role in their life. I once helped her son clean a photo of BM and DH wedding ans told my fiancé to be kind and act grateful about it since his son was so excited about it. He found it tucked away with things to go in storage. I offered my fiancée have the pic hanging in his kids bedroom if that made it easier, Which he himself didn't feel comfortable with. 

fast forward to present, she is now inquiring lots about whether or not we are going to have kids together suggesting her son is upset by this as mentioned in a therapy session, and that she wants DH to talK to him about his concerns. Of course I've got no problem with him doing so, but I have major fertility issues and our trying for kids is complex to say the least. I have suggested over and over that I don't want her involved in pregnancy process at all given the stressful nature of things, she recently threatened me with a protective order when the week prior she was legit thanking me for bringing SS to dance classes, and has no basis for said order. I bet she hates me cause I came after her, but I'm not her personal Doormat, and won't allow her to know anything about my fertility issues or pregnancy status. Not until it's appropriate and necessary at least. And it breaks me heart that I won't ever just have the experience of having a child with fiancée without BM being involved. Any advice is appreciated. I keep losing control emotionally when she tries to pry. 

Comments

Steppedonnomore's picture

Submitted by Steppedonnomore on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 2:55pm

There is absolutely no reason for BM to be involved in anything to do with you.  Your BF needs to keep all contact with BM to an absolute minimum and only as it regards to their child. There is no reason for BM to ever contact you. If BF cannot establish and maintain boundaries then hold off on marriage.  

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 3:00pm

Its very common when trying to make things work for everyone with a man that has a child from a previuos relationship, that we sacrifice a lot of ourselves in the process.

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BM. She doesnt need to know anything about you or your plans for children. NADA.

Let the father your fiance deal with any and all things BM. You dont need to hear of her opinions either.  Trust me, you will feel a lot better not mucking around in that cesspool.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 3:03pm

Yeah.. let your fiancee deal with her.  and make sure he tells her that it is none of her business if or when you have a child with him.. or any other non-skid related issue.  His life ceased being her concern when they split.  The only joint interest is their child.  If she becomes too conflict ridden.. I would back off things like driving the kid to places ... especially when she is on the other end.  She doesn't have to "know" you because you are around her child.  She trusted your BF enough to have a child.. so she will just have to trust his judgement about who he chooses to be around his child.  I would keep my distance from her.. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 3:03pm

So basically your fiance was still playing happy family?

Your fiance needs to flat out tell BM to stop asking. "When we have news, we will share it at the appropriate time. Until then, we wish to keep this matter private." AKA, back off lady! It's not any of her damn business. 

Right after we got married, BM called DH to ask when we were having children. DH didn't even go there... so what does BM do? She starts telling her (8 y/o at the time) to start asking me if I'm on birth control. Psycho. 

Kaylee's picture

Submitted by Kaylee on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 3:57pm

Yes, the ex asking your BF when you are going to have children is a gross invasion of your privacy. Suggesting that her son will be "upset" sounds like bollocks to me - I bet it's HER that's snooping and wanting to obtain information and then use it to twist things to her advantage.

Take the advice given above: block her. Don't enter into any discussion about her with your BF.

And while you're at it, tell your BF that any contact with this ex should be only re the kids and their schedule/welfare.

shellpell's picture

Submitted by shellpell on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 4:01pm

Guess how many words I've said to BM? Maybe five in total. I am none of her business, my life is none of her business. Why do you have so much contact with her? You owe her nothing. Your SO needs to minimize communication and protect you from BMs bs.

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Wed, 09/01/2021 - 8:47am

The threat tells you and DH all you'll ever need to know about HCBM.  She isn't entitled to any information about your household.  Communication should be strictly limited to transportation, medical, and schooling of the shared child.  Cut her off.

If she wants to try for a protective order, she can knock herself out.  She'll need proof of abuse or neglect.

 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 7:22pm

I think many kind, well-meaning SMs bend over backward in the beginning to promote good relations with the BM.  If she is a sensible, decent person, all can work.  But now you know yours isnt sensible or decent so follow everyone's advice and reduce contact to the bare minimum.

As it is, it will take all your power to not show or express your feelings around the child and to maintain a civil, polite demeanor when you must be around her (children's events).

superlado's picture

Submitted by superlado on Tue, 08/31/2021 - 8:33pm

To your fiancé that your fertility issues are not to be discussed with anyone ever.  This is your private medical information and it's only yours to share.  
 

Side note: I also had severe fertility issues.  I know how hard it can be.  I deeply empathize with your situation but want to offer hope ; as it's always there.   
 

This side conversation crap needs to end with his ex wife.  At the minimum tell him you want to hear nothing of it.  Would he enjoy hearing about your exes ? Surely , not.   
 

Im not sure your SS age but no child decides who had a baby.  I'm not one to not allow children to have their feelings but I do let them know their place.  His dad can tell him (like I told my then ss11 and should have been his dad ) that the only future children that he will have any input on will be his own.  End of discussion. Never give a child that kind of power.  Acknowledging feelings, pumping up the big bro roll , etc are great abs can be done when needed.  
 

Do not communicate with this hag in or out if person.  She deserves none of your head space.  Not your ex.  

WwCorgi7's picture

Submitted by WwCorgi7 on Wed, 09/01/2021 - 7:16am

So she's using SS as way to pry into and control your reproductive life? Wow. It's none of her business at all. Your fertility issues are no one's business other than the people you want to know. She's trying to stay relevant in your fiancée life and act like she still has an important role. Sorry BM, that ship has sailed.