I am trying to see this from a SM side of view instead of BM
My oldest son is 19 years old and he has high functioning Autism. From the time that he was 8 years old until he was 18 years old I had shared custody with his dad (one week with me and one week with dad). When he was 18 years old, he came to live with me full time. He was held back a year in school so he is graduating from high school next month. My DS is 19 years old physically but mentally he just isn't there yet.
He has a facebook page. He loves to write rap songs and post on his status. He writes about all kinds of things. In February, his SM's dad died and he wrote a song for him and posted it on Facebook. His SM's family loved the song.
A few days ago, he writes a song about being caught in the middle. The first part of the song is him stating that his mom and dad broke up but now he has a SD and SM. He goes from his family to talking about his friends calling them family. He then talks about being torn in the middle...feels like he is torn between good and evil. He actually stated this was not about his real family but his "friend" family. He has been having some disagreements with his friends over the past few days.
His dad sent him a text message to tell him that he liked the song. He normally just likes the songs on facebook. A few minutes later, his SM post a comment and asks DS what is his song about and she didn't like him calling his friends his family. SM sent DS a nasty text message saying she didn't like being called evil. Trust me, there isn't any comment in the song where he calls her evil. He knows he has to respect her. Within a few minutes SM's uncle post a comment stating that he would like to know what the song is REALLY about...SM replies to her uncle that everyone would like to know and that she is still waiting for an answer.
I had enough. I didn't feel that she needed to publicly continue to call out DS and have her family keep poking around for answers. I deleted her comments and her uncle's comments from the post and blocked her and her family from seeing that post or any other post from BS. I have worked with DS for a long time and he is finally expressing himself and I don't need her or her family to destroying everything.
As a SM myself, I would NEVER post something negative about SD (especially if she was expressing herself) where everyone could see it. I may tell DH and he could talk to her one on one but never would I consider embarrassing her to call her out on something where all her friends and family can see it. If I felt the need to say something to her, it would be in private and it wouldn't be rude.
Any ideas, why she decided to call him out in public about his song? I reread the song many times. I can't see why she is getting all bent out of shape and why she even needs to tell DS her opinion on what she thinks he should and should not do. It makes me wonder if XH sent the text to say he liked the song because he didn't want SM to be angry at him because he liked it.
The mama bear in me wants to pick up the phone and tell her what she can do with her opinion but I would not be setting a good example for DS by doing that. He is concerned that she may ask why she is blocked. I just told him if she ask, tell her that I did it and she can discuss if further with me.
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I think she may have put more
I think she may have put more meaning into this particular lyric.... (actually copied and pasted from his song) its like there one good, one evil and i'm in the middle that only makes a sound but i know this isn't love when your busy talking trash to one another you only one who breaking up the family.
I am wondering if she if she probably took the lyric above since it is the only lyric that mentions evil as my son pointing out that she destroyed the family by leaving her husband and hooking up with his dad.
She was the other woman and BS knows this. I didn't tell him at the time of the divorce. He was known for a few years about their affair. He wasn't angry about it. He had already had a lot of time to process her as being a SM. He found some divorce papers and saw that I was suing for divorce on the grounds of adultery and saw her name in the papers. I had to do a lot of explaining and I told him the truth.
SM and XH has rewritten history. They are in total denial now and they do not want everyone to remember the affair. They married a month after our divorce was final.
According to my son, this lyric is about his two friends that are putting him in the middle of an argument. The argument just happens to be about a girl He thought the family would misinterpret so he put at the end that...(family= to my friends not my real family
Wow. She seems to be really
Wow. She seems to be really repressing some negative feelings that from what you describe seem to be no fault of your son’s. He’s expressing himself and calling friends family is not anything unusual. She needs to get off her high horse on the fact right off the bat. Family CLEALY is what we make it.
I think in the way of damage control I would see about helping your son to remove her unneeded comment. Maybe restricting future comments on that particular post if she wants to keep trying to make something personal public. By no means should he have to censor himself and it’s up to him if he would like to give more details as to what the song is about.
It's just not a mature thing
It's just not a mature thing to call someone out publicly. Especially on FB.
As many here know I was livid when my SS31 and his GF used my home during our 2 week vacation. As much as I would sometimes like to cuss them up one side and down the other I would never do that on a public FB page. I chose to just erase them from my life.
But there's a tiny bit of me that would like her family, etc. to understand what REALLY happened and why I will have nothing to do with her. She's spinning it as it was no big deal - they just stopped by to check on the house. Leaving out the part about ransacking my belongings and helping themselves to what they wanted.
But I am not so pathetic that I would ever post crap like that on their FB pages. I've just blocked them totally.
Even when someone has a real reason to get upset about something (which I do not think your child's SM does) it's still just trashy and pathetic when someone choses FB for their communications.
I understand. There was a
I understand. There was a small part of me that just wanted to blast her on facebook too so everyone can see what BS was really discussing in his song.
I would be pretty upset as a
I would be pretty upset as a bm. He loves his life having a hard time relating to others and then to be questioned? He probably would not have even got what they were saying about there being a hidden meaning.
Has she not been around him long? Surely she understands a basic idea of his autism.
I would probably have a conversation with his father about what was said.
Then again..i am all in my momma bear feels in reguards to kids with autism right now due to my son being diagnosed.. but really she is the adult and should understand what you have been workong towards with him and even if he thought she was evil..as long as he is respectful to her. .he can think shes evil lol
She has been in his life
She has been in his life since he was 4 years old. She was there when we found out he had autism around the age of 11. The drs misdiagnosed him with add first.
IMHO she doesn't understand
IMHO she doesn't understand Autism.
Sometimes I feel like I am
Sometimes I feel like I am cast as the evil sm. It is something that I think all of us have in the back of our minds. She miss interpreted the song, took it too personally, felt she was being called out publicly and so she defended herself at the source, publicly.
Not trying to defend her, just explaining what is probably going on in her head. Hopefully if your son can work with you or his dad to explain that it was never about her and how much respect he has for her then they can move in from this. Deleting her comment and blocking her access was a good initial move on your part. Now it is time for your son to try to explain what he meant to sm.
I agree Facebook is not the place for these conversations and she could have handled it better, but sadly many see Facebook as a place to air thier grievances these days.
Understand. I feel that the
Understand. I feel that the wicked stepmom from time to time myself. She just has me scratching my head because I really can not see the connection that she is saying the song is about her. She normally just doesn't do this.
Coming from someone who's
Coming from someone who's recently dealt with this in my own family, I can understand why the stepmom responded the way she did. My cousin had a mouthful to say about my grandparent who didn't agree with her "trap this boy" way of life at her fresh age of 19. Now while I believe people have the right to post/tweet/etc whatever they want, not everyone HAS to like it, agree with it, or let it slide. The point of Facebook and other social media is to share and interact. If she would have liked the song you wouldn't have a problem with her commenting on his post, but this time she didn't. I didn't like what my cousin post and while I didn't be so bold as to reply to her, I did make my relatives know just what she thought about us in time for her Baby Shower. She found out we knew her two face game and sent out apology text the night before the Shower to ensure gifts for the next day.
If you're going to let your autistic son use Facebook then you can't shelter him from the reactions his posts are going to get. If anything her asking him to explain could help him actually THINK about what his post meant to him, why he said it the way he did, why he's feelings those things. If everyone always agrees with him and you always cushion him from criticism, he can't move forward with critical thinking skills. It's highly unrealistic for you to let him think people will always just be okay with what he has to say. What happens when it's "F**k Mom"? I bet you'd ask him what's up with that.
obviously DS touched
obviously DS touched something in her...... she's getting worried that he might have picked up that she can't stand him or what ever the reason might be..... or she's simply a stupid drama queen....
good think you blocked her and her family, DS does not need this in his life, and simply tell him... Hon keep on writing your songs..... SM is just a bit upset cause you do not live there anymore maybe she misses you and now she gets evil.... no need for that in your life...
He did contact her by text
He did contact her by text message to explain. She continued to comment on his facebook post even after he explained to her. I only blocked her when he explained to her and she continued to go on and on about how she needed to know why he wrote that song.
Trust me if my XH even thought for one second the song was about his wife, he would be blowing up my phone. XH did reach out to DS to say it was a great song.
SM needs to chill. Why is she
SM needs to chill. Why is she bringing in reinforcements (her family) to badger him on the exact meaning of the song? Geez whatever happened to freedom of speech and expression. Lots of people (famous artists) write songs and some parts have actual meanings and other parts of the same song don't.
She is obviously feeling insecure for whatever reason and thinking that the bad parts are about her. Do you know why she may feel this way?
Ughhh.. publicly dealing with
Ughhh.. publicly dealing with private issues on facebook. Every time I see things like this posted by friend or acquaintances I just cringe.
To give her some benefit of the doubt, do you think that she maybe thought what she posted was more like a private message? I guess there also could have been some blow up at her house, that you weren't aware of, that could have made her more sensitive to these lyrics.
Also, I am not sure that posting lyrics publicly that hint or refer to possible relationship problems in DS's life is all that different than airing those issues in a more direct manner. Whether they related to SM... or anyone else in his life for that matter, just because it is posted in song form, doesn't mean that it isn't in itself airing dirty laundry.
That being said, I would definitely have her blocked from his FB. Whether she is knowingly or ignorantly calling him out on FB, family drama doesn't need to be out there like that.
I would probably also have a convo with DS and try to help him understand why some topics aren't appropriate for public facebook song posting.
Wait…Am I the only one that
Wait…Am I the only one that thinks the song may actually about his family? I mean, the song starts out talking about his step parents right?
And then it mentions family. And yes…he did put a little disclaimer on the end…(Family=friend)
Na…Im not really buying it. I think he probably thought he better put the disclaimer on it at the end so not to get grief about putting dirty laundry on FB.
But SM also should not have called him out on FB.
I think I would talk to him about putting dirty laundry on facebook. If he was not talking about family then he was talking about close friends right? That’s not any better IMHO.
And I would have probably not blocked SMs and her family. That is going to cause some issues right there too.
Edit to add...pretty much what ESMOD said. I just saw her post.
The song starts out talking
The song starts out talking about his Mom, dad and SM and SD but he then goes a family to his love for his brothers (who he calls friends in the song). He has ONE Sentence which is the FIRST sentence of the song where he says he has a MOM, DAD, SM and SD. The rest of the song references his brothers (friends) There is no other reference in this song where he is discussing any of his parents/stepparents again. He talks about his love for his brothers (his friends) and how it feels to be stuck in the middle where it feels like one is good and the other is evil.
It isn't dirty laundry that he is posting. Trust me, if his BD thought for one minute this song was about him or his wife, he would be blowing up my phone.
My son has had numerous talks about what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate to put on facebook. I have always read over his post and even educated him on what he needs to do and what he doesn't need to do. His dad and SM have always given me heads up when they feel that a post isn't something he needs to put on facebook. It is totally out of character for her to just blast him on facebook even after he has already explained the song to her by text message. I even told him how to respond privately to his SM instead of posting an all out war on his facebook. She is the one that continued even after he told her what the song was about. She wouldn't stop posting and had her family join in on the posting as well. Again this is totally out of character for her.
She would not have been blocked if she only ask the one question and stopped after he gave her the answer or continued to ask him privately. He gave her an answer privately and she continued to publicly go off on him.
♪♪You're so vain, you
♪♪You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you, you're so vain♪♪
Facebook is never the place
Facebook is never the place to post anything negative about anyone unless you want anyone you have ever had a negative interaction with to think it is about them.
^^^ golden advice here^^^
Ladyface is so right. I hate when people post vague/random/coy/passive aggressive stuff on their social media. It is usually crystal clear that the intent is that some person(s) who they are upset with will read it and see themselves in it and know the hurt they have caused etc... Unfortunately, as vague as some stuff is, it can be very easy for people to misinterpret things and think they are the target when they may not be.
He shouldn't post about drama of any type (friends, family whatever) unless he is ready for drama to rebound back at him, which is exactly what happened.
The silly thing on SM's part is that by posting what she did... she made people even more sure it was about HER.
Considering he did talk about
Considering he did talk about SM at one point in the song, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that it's purely SM's guilt interpreting this song as about her.
Idk he talked about SM and BD
Idk he talked about SM and BD in the same song that he called his other family (friends) evil. I can see why there would be miscommunication or a thought that there is some sort of second nefarious reason underneath. If anything, this is probably a good lesson for your son in song writing to not put two ideas into the same song that might easily be misinterpreted and contradicting.
Now let's look at it from the SM posting here about it angle "my SS And I have a good relationship, his mother and father get along decently and he seems to enjoy spending time with both our families. Yesterday he posted a song and in the beginning he talks about us and doesn't say anything bad but then he starts referring to his family as evil, even though he says that part is about his friends, am I wrong to be upset about this? Am I reading to much into it?" Chances are our reactions here would be very different