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depressed and stressed ... NEED ADVICE!!!

depressed.and.stressed's picture

Where to begin, where to begin. It really is hard to know where to start atm...
There's his kid, his parents, his dog ect ... all just getting to me.

His Kid:
He's a BRAT, he doesn't do as he's told, he always has to interrupt (even if I tell him to go away when SO and I are having a minute alone). He's not getting disciplined hardly anywhere now ... The only discipline he gets, is basically from me, and I'm starting to really not give a shit anymore, to the point where I just want to walk out and get my own place again so mine and my sons stuff don't get wrecked. He's spoilt to the max from SO's parents and from SO's sisters (when they in town) and from all of his BM's side of the family as far as I know. SO wants to do nothing but spoil the little monster all the time, even though my son hardly ever gets anything, although I'm starting to change that, and getting him small things here and there, and I am starting to save up for him and the soon-to-be baby.

His Ex:
Always trying to find something wrong with their brat which results in more appointments that they have to attend together for NO REASON! Gets up SO when she knows no-one is around. She causes nothing but problems (unneccesary court, and mediation and such), she's been acting like a complete bitch ever since she found out he had a new partner, and worse again when she found out we were pregnant. A few times, she has broken agreements (by parking in our drive-way TWICE, changing where the brat gets picked-up/dropped-off at the last minute, changing times for pick-ups/drop-offs at the last minute ect ...) Tried getting up SO because I walked out of my house ... I NEVER get out of the car at her place or any of her relatives places. She's just a vendictive bitch, who likes to do what she can to cause problems for SO, which in turn leaves more problems for us ...

His Parents:
Haven't liked me since word go - I'll always just be "that girl", that's what his mum called me the first time I really went to his parents place with SO to get some clothes for SO ... his mum didn't realize I was standing behind him, and starting saying, "if you're going to THAT GIRLS place ...", SO stood aside and she saw me and went quiet. That moment was AWKWARD! They don't give me the benefit of the doubt because of SO's stupid freakin whore of an ex (Brat's BM), and they are always so quick to judge me if I need some time away from SO ... they are always telling him to get out of the relationship and do it before the baby comes along so he doesn't have apart in the babies life so he doesn't form a bond with him and such ... At the moment, my son and I are staying clear of his parents ...

His Dog:
He doesn't look after him, and due to a complaint, we had the RSPCA come around, and I DO NOT want my name tarnished with cruelty to animals because he can't look after the mutt he freakin wanted so freakin bad!

His Work:
They are all a bunch of pricks, they said they were family orientated, but things seem to be getting worse with all our baby appointments and the time he's had off work and such ... But with all his stress from that, he takes it out on me and my son, especially when he's tired.

He takes things out on me and my son, he can easily discipline my son, but can't even discipline his own brat, he only wants to seem to show affection to his son - I basically have to ask for it, and even when I do he doesn't even really do so - to get the affection, I have to sit on his lap whilst watching tv to even get a cuddle. But yet, he'll happily sit there and watch tv and cuddle up to his son whilst I'm cooking dinner, and not even bother to help until he knows there isn't much more to do ... same with cleaning ...

His Vehicle:
I don't have a license or a car, so basically we all have to rely on him and his ute for appointments and shopping and such (we are working on me getting a license), but anyways, his ute has a whole heap of problems, and he always leaves them till when they HAVE to get done (the most expensive time to get done in most cases), which in turn leaves us in more financial trouble than what we are in (such as something as simple as something that could have cost us $80, ended up costing us just over $1000).

With this pregnancy, it has taken more than its toll on me. I started going to a councellor about another problem in my past, rape, but decided that its not the best option to dive into that part of me just yet. Especially with the stress it would cause on the baby through my body. I have been seeing a councellor after most baby appointments just to keep track of how I am going mentally and emotionally through it all, and we are going to see about relationship councelling very soon (going to make a call or 2 today).
The thing is, I have thought all along and such, that we did start living together TOO SOON! It was great when he was "living" with his parents and basically staying at my apartment all the time - although I was annoyed at how I asked him to not have his son stay overnight for a fair while, until we got to know each other better, but anyways, he decided to ignore that request and automatically decided to have him stay there overnight the first night that he had the chance to.
I just really miss having my space, where no one could tell me or my son what to do in OUR home! My son KNOWS his boundaries and he knows when and where he's allowed to go throughout the house. His brat though, because he chooses not to discipline the thing, he doesn't know and therefore I get an earful because my son doesn't just have to stay in the lounge room all the time, or have to have a CONSTANT eye on him ...
If I did get my own place, I would be able to set it up how I wanted it to be, I wouldn't get in trouble for doing so. My son would definitely feel more at ease, because his week wouldn't be turned upside down every second half. He would feel comfortable 24/7. Of course with that, his kid would hardly, if at all, be allowed to come to my place, he WOULD NOT have a bed there or anything ... It would be MY place.
SO is really mixed up about me getting my own place, the first time I brought it up, he said if I'm sure it would help go for it, but now he is really dead against it.
I'm so freakin tired, especially the second half of the week, his brat is an early riser, fair enough right, but when he does wake up, he auntomatically just starts crying and most morning just throws a tantrum and wakes my son and I up! This pregnancy is more than enough, and I really need my sleep (I usually end up asleep by 9:30pm - 10:00pm at the latest), but I still like to sleep in longer than 5:00am-5:30am.
Sorry this is so long, but what would you all advise (or even do) with the different things in his life, as well as moving out? ANYTHING would be muchly appreciated!!!

Sorry its so long!!! Thanks in advance!


oneoffour's picture

I think you need to get out. Part of your reason not to is not to prove his parents right. And I can understand that. But for your own sanity and the peace of mind of your son you need to move out and establish your own life.

It sounds like you have had a lot of sadness and abuse in your life and right now an unattentive partner who expects you to take care of his screaming son is very unfair.

You say you live in Queensland. Is that rural or urban? Are you near a city? Can you research other options?

Get out now and no men for a long time.

depressed.and.stressed's picture

Thanks for you advice 'oneoffour', its muchly appreciated!!!
I think to be out of here WILL improve myself and my son greatly - my son is so good when its just me, when SO comes home for lunch or from the end of a days work he plays up a little, but still MOSTLY does as his told (with persuasion), but when his kid is here too - I have no idea who my child is ... I've also noticed my son likes to get a little more testy a day or 2 before his kid is due to get here, and another day once he leaves to settle down again.

Sadness and abuse - I say yes ... as I can't remember a time where I have been truly happy since we started living together. Abuse - I feel neglected and he has physically abused me (not sexually). I organized for my son to be baby-sat about half hour away from Thursday-Monday so we could have a weekend together. It was a weekend where he only had his kid on the Saturday. Basically, the weekend didn't happen as planned, and its the first thing I had really asked for, for one night and one day for him to put me before his brat for once, for A weekend for us to spend, just him and I, before the new baby comes along, also, for us to try and get back where we were to start with.

I have to kick him some mornings for him to get up to his son ... I REFUSE to do anything for his son anymore, only thing I do do, is serve him his dinner, because of the amount of stress I'm under being over-tired from him (I have never been an early riser, and NEVER a morning person, he was WELL AWARE of that when we first started TALKING, before we even met). I only step in to discipline his son when I've really just had enough ... That's to start counting back from 5, once 1 comes, he goes to his room and goes for a time-out. If it keeps up for another minute or 2, or he starts kicking walls (which is usually the case), I go in and I do yell at him (to get over his screaming and carrying on), although once he settles down, I do talk to him ... But, its just upsetting that SO lets it get to that point. I don't take the crap from my son, and that's because he has been disciplined basically from word go. He KNOWS when mummy starts using a stern voice or says "no" to stop doing what you are doing and know is wrong.

In Queensland, I live in a mini-city called Bundaberg ... and have been researching other options, and also my dad and step-mum are aware of the situation, and they have offered to help me move out and stay with them (yet again) if I need to!

I was single for about a year before I got into a relationship with him, and I don't think I will be wanting another relationship for a VERY long time ... If/when this one does end, my focus will be solely on my 2 beautiful boys!

The main reason for my staying at the moment, is for the unborn baby and my son ... My son hasn't had a father/daddy figure in his life and he see's him as his "daddy". He can be a good father/daddy to him 9 times out of 10. And with the unborn baby, I just hate the idea of having another son who doesn't get the chance to know his dad. That's my main worry, but I know my dad will help out with the "male bonding" stuff and such. I never got the chance to know my dad when I was young, and that's something I never wanted for my kids ... But sadly has happened with my son.

oneoffour's picture

Is it the Bundaberg Ginger Beer place? If it is that would be my American husbands favourite place. I introduced him to the joys of Bundaberg ginger beer and we will drive ANYWHERE to get some.

I think you need to tell your SO that you need some space and you need to be a better person than who you are right now. You are finding his son difficult to deal with along wiht this pregnancy. Maybe explain it is like having twins but only one listens to you. You don't HATE his son but you haven't got there yet to connecting to him. So moving out for 'a while' to get your head on straight and sort yourself out so you are a better person blah blah blah blah. 1st, you need the rest and 2nd, he may be an awesome guy but right now you are a free babysitter with no authority and support. Not a very nice place to be.

In time you may move back (for good) or maybe not. Only when you have your head in a good place can you make that decision. And if his parents are snotty about you, remind them the only thing you have in common with his ex is him. So it is not neccessarily all your fault but his fault. After all, he is the one common denominator in all of this isn't he?