Adult stepchildren

I have been married to my second husband for 8 1/2 years. I have a stepson that is 27, a drop out, a drug addict, an alcoholic and hasn't worked regular job his whole life. He lives with his mother who is barely making it herself. I also have a stepdaughter that is trying a little harder than her brother but has difficulties making wise financial decisions for herself, has a very entitled attitude and wants to do things her way.....all the time. My husband seems to think that she's a gem and justifies her spending habits. I strongly disagree. She is now in major debt, lives alone, drives 1 hr each way to a minimum wage paying job and just bought herself a new mattress. My husband has come to me asking that we co-sign on his daughters loan so she can buy a car. My gut says no but my husband has already told her we would. I am certain that at one point, we will be responsible for her debt. My husband thinks that this is all going to be just fine and that she has it all figured out...which means...living in a tent over the summer to save rent. Am I a horrible stepmother for thinking that this co-signing thing is a terrible idea? Advise welcome.

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No, you are not horrible and

No, you are not horrible and under no circumstances should you consign anything for her.

If your husband insists or goes behind your back, well then you have to decide if this is a hill to die on or not. It could very well mean the end of your marriage and you need to know if you are will to give up that much.

My idea of how to deal with it is this.
Go get SD a small loan from a bank or third party lender, not the bank of Dad. A thousand dollars say, over 6 months or a year. If she pays it back, you can move on to a larger loan, under $5K and go from there.
If she defaults on the loan, you are only out $1K and you can say I told you so.

Absolutely not. This would

Absolutely not.

This would be nothing short of a legal commitment to resentment against your DH & SS. Recommend you google up financial guidance for co-signing loans for adult children, and show hubby the recommendations of professional financial consultants - not quotes from StepTalk, nor from Lending Institutions that stand fo profit instead if your own family financial sanity. MANY have gone before you and although sometimes it can work, it seems like hou have a pretty accurate understanding of how this co-signing would play out.

I've pulled up many articles

I've pulled up many articles on the downfalls of co-signing and I'm sick to my stomach about it. I gave them to my husband to read, he said he would but I also told him I'm seriously concerned about this. He just got mad, told me it would be completely detrimental to his daughter if she didn't have a car to drive. So if I say no, and she fails...it's all my fault. If I say yes to the co-sign and she fails (which she will) we will once again be enabling her, my credit will be affected and I will have some very tough feelings towards my husband. I feel like this is a loose loose.

I raised my former SD17 from

I raised my former SD17 from the age of 10. She ran away at 17 to live with BM (who she hadn't seen in 5 years) and came back immediately after graduation because she realized BM was nuts. I had divorced my XH (Her Bio Dad) in that timeframe as he was a worthless lazy no working psycho.
I loved my SD as my own....but when she came to me to ask for me to co-sign for student loans I said NO! When she asked me to co-sign for an apartment lease, I said NO!

And she defaulted on both. IRS took her tax checks for the student loans and she has been sued at least three times and money taken from her check to pay for other debts she has defaulted on. Trust your gut....Let your DH sign if he chooses to but there is no reason you need to sign.

No. It would be less risky

No. It would be less risky to go play Russian Roulette.

This is certainly

This is certainly true....very one sided and very protective of his kids. They get what they want and I'm left on the outside. It's made me just want to back away from all of them. Can't fight it...don't want to be a part of it. Very sad indeed.

This is certainly

Just look him in the eye,

Just look him in the eye, smile, and say "No thank you" when he asks you to cosign. That's my go to response when someone asks me to do something utterly stupid.

Co-signing for anyone is a

Co-signing for anyone is a bad idea, it certainly doesn't make you a horrible person, just a smart one.

Needing a co-signer means that the person wanting the loan, cannot afford it and is a bad risk. Which makes the co-signer kind of stupid, financially, if you ask me.

If your DH really wants to help his daughter, he needs to guide her on how to make smarter decisions (buying a new mattress but she's going to live in a tent all summer?), live within her means, and cut back on what she spends.

How old is she and how did she end up in major debt? I have never, ever been in major debt or any debt, really, aside from a mortgage. I don't get it.

If he is insistent on helping

If he is insistent on helping her with a car have him buy her a junker, one that is in his price range of mad money, not something that you will miss. Make her pay her own insurance and have her pay him back in installments she can afford.

That wHether she has a car, you aren't stuck with a monthly payment and if she doesn't pay it off it won't hurt your credit.

Good luck!!

I offered this....no bite.

I offered this....no bite. Has other plans for the money. ugh.

I don't understand why she

I don't understand why she has to get a loan. Why not save and then buy something affordable outright.

And hell no, don't cosign for anyone. My SS asked DH to consign which was DH asking me to cosign since his credit is in the crapper thanks to BM. I said no. DH was going to try until I explained to him that if he got approved, I would be liable as his spouse. He quickly decided that our marriage wasn't worth a bad financial decision.

Don't do it! It's a hill to

Don't do it! It's a hill to die on.

Not just for the money and credit wreckage that will come from it but for the most likely irreparable resentment it will cause in you. Tell him no thank you like notasm says or say use your best judgment but please give me x amount of time to separate my finances from yours before you sign, thank you. Also, calculate what your budget would be like if he has to pick up the car note (as he will) and make sure he has enough to cover his current obligations like mortgage as well. He may have to give up some other luxury, golfing or something to make sure he can cover the extra payment in the near future.

To engage....or to disengage....That is the question!

I have two step kids (SD is 23 and SS is 28) SD is a rather entitled, spoiled young woman. She wants what she wants but wants daddy's help when her way doesn't work out. She has been welcomed into my home for any and all occasions and has moved back in with us now 3 times due to her financial woes. She doesn't lift a finger to help out or even offer. She eats our food, breaks my dishes and comes and goes when she pleases. There is zero accountability (I get it..she's 23) but then when she leaves, she doesn't say goodbye, let alone any kind of thank you. She is a very ungrateful child and thinks that a parents job is simply to make her life easier....and always on her terms. Her dad and I have been married for 10 years now...and I've put up with her stuff (and a SS who is a drug addict....whole other story) for too long now. I've caught my husband telling me one thing to keep me happy and then telling her another to keep her happy. I'm sick of not knowing when I can take him at his word but his daughter obviously controls enough of him that he doens't want to make her mad. What do I do here....do I engage and let them both know I know what's going on behind my back....or do I just back off and leave them to their ways? I'm not one to back down, I don't enable my husbands bad behaviour but at what point do you let them be?....or not let them be???

Deb

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