Worried about finances
I'm taking stock of my situation, trying to figure short-term and long-term steps I need to take. I think my biggest worry is related to our financial situation and I wonder if there are solutions here I'm not seeing.
I met my husband in my late 20's and we were married when I was 30. He's 10 years older than me and came into the marriage with debts from his previous marriage. (He didn't disclose everything to me. I discovered things slowly over time, and I still don't think I know everything.) I make a lot less money than he does, but since we bought our house together about 15 years ago, I've been paying half the mortgage, all of the electricity bill, most of the household items like linens and kitchen ware, and often groceries. He moved his sons in with us just about we bought the house (no consultation with me). Over the years he has repeatedly reminded me that he pays more bills than I do, and whenever I pointed out his two sons lived with us, he responded that they weren't any additional expense to me and how is it any skin off my nose. He continually pushes back when I want to spend money on repairs for the house because he says it's too expensive. We really should be in better financial situation than the story he's telling. He gets extremely annoyed when I try to talk about finances and refuses to consult with a financial advisor with me.
15 years into the marriage, SS25 still lives with us, works full time and doesn't help with anything. (My husband assures me that he'll get the guy to move out by the time he's 27, but frankly I have no reason to believe him). The other SS23 has moved out, is away at a nearby university, and my husband drives out to see him and takes him for grocery shopping and expensive lunches every two weeks, and who knows what else. I found out by fluke that he was doing secret things like buying this kid a top-of-the-line laptop that I myself would never be able to afford. (Incidentally SS23 has not spoken to me in years and my husband has made no attempt to patch anything up.)
I'm beginning to realize I can't go on like this. I really do care for my husband and in some ways we're compatible, but I worry every day about our financial future. My husband will be 65 in 10 years, and it seems to me isn't worried about it. He hides things from me and I am extremely worried that if his sons ask him for money, he'll give it to them, or co-sign on loans, etc., and then I'll be stuck with the financial burden when my husband retires and I continue working. To my face he grows furious when I talk about my worries, he says I'm out of my mind, but in reality I've known him to be deceitful even if it means risking putting me into a big mess. I know if I leave he will make my life an expensive legal hell, and I'm sure I'll be stuck paying off half of any debts he has. I'm so worried about my financial situation whether I stay or go. I'm not sure what I'm asking for here--maybe I just need to vent somewhere.
That you all for these
That you all for these insights. I appreciate it very much.
HRNYC, seeing a lawyer is something I really should do. I'm going to look for one, at least for a consultation.
Catlettuce, my husband totally rationalizes SS25 living with us. He says it's way too expensive to live in this city and he also fully seems to believe the kid's expenses eat up all of his full-time income as a mechanic. (His expenses are car-related + his cell phone.) He acts like I'm some psycho woman if I suggest SS25 can move out before he's 27. Originally he promised me both kids would move out by the time they're 21, either to study or work; then he pushed it to 25, then 26, then 27, now "end of the year he turns 27" (so, an extra year). SS25 continually drills it into our heads that it's completely stupid for him to move out because he'd be paying bills "for nothing." He also complains non-stop about having to pay taxes and having to work until he's 65--he seems to agonize over this. He non-stop tries to brainwash my spineless husband, and for the most part, it has always worked. Since these kids were little, they always ended up getting their way sooner or later--always--although my husband adamantly denies it.
Keepitsimplestupid, my husband gets extremely defensive if I mention seeing a financial advisor. He won't have anything to do with it. Even if I press to see the actual household-related bills (I mean the ones he pays; I pay others), he gets upset and then it's tense for days. He just wants me to accept that it's true all his money goes toward paying bills. (He has a high-paying job.) Seeing his credit report is out of the question. In order for that to happen, I'd have to move out and make the financial disclosure an ultimatum, and even then, who knows, he might start up some vengeful expensive legal battle out of feeling betrayed. (I think he has narcissistic personality traits.) I have no idea whatsoever what his financial situation is, although to hear him speak, you'd think he's got exorbitant house-related costs that are eating up all of his income (bull) and he has no debts at all, although I very highly doubt it. He's one of those penny wise pound foolish types--won't spend money on improving the house, but happily constantly blows huge amounts of money on food for himself and his sons (and who knows what else).
Writing all this stuff out really highlights what a fool I am.
Why can't you go on line a
Why can't you go on line a get a free copy of his credit report? You can order one free each year from each of the three agencies.
My husband too gives his children money that he does not have. Instead of paying down household debt he gives them money each and every time they ask. And they come to him for hundreds. He has taken out loans for them that we are still paying on ( I did not know about the loans until after the fact).
Last week it was $150.00. This week it is $200.00. I am sick over this and it is the only thing that we argue about. About a month ago he told me that the one may be moving in with us. I am praying that this will not happen. He is 20, not in school with a little part time job, we have him on our medical and dental plan that we pay for.
I pay the bills and I have been working very hard to try and pay down debt and it upsets me that he ruins everything that I work towards by taking money from our household to give to a kid that in my opinion does not deserve it. He lied for a year saying that he was in college when he wasn't so that his mother would continue to receive support. I could write a book! I would just say to get your ducks in a row. If he makes more money than you then the bills should be on that ratio and not 50/50. I think that you should suggest that the ones living with you pay room and board and that as a secret between the two of you that you will put the money into a savings account for them so that when it is time for them to move out there will be enough money in there to help with their first place. I would suggest that you do some investigation into the finances. Don't the bills come in the mail? You need to take the time to be a better investigator. You have the right to know this information. What if something happened to you husband? You would be in a real mess not knowing what is out there. Be sure to be saving some money for you. Pay yourself first and it you need money for food let them come up with it. If your company has a 401k or any type of savings little by little up the percentage that you put into it. Take care of you! Good luck!
Sad-Stepmom I am so sorry,
Sad-Stepmom I am so sorry, you are stuck in a bad place. As soon as I read that your hubby gets defensive about going to a financial advisor, all kinds of alarms and warning bells go off in my head... OMG Please get a copy of his credit report, start digging into his finances behind his back if you have to -- you have to protect yourself. I think he is taking advantage of you, and frankly only gives a d&*^ about his sons. Seriously... repairs on the house?!? WTH! They are a must to protect your investment - unless he doesn't care about that, and from what you have written it sounds like he is busy buying his sons love and trying to impress them. At your expense. And SS23 not speaking to you and hubby not even caring? Not good. Not at all.
Sounds like you are roommates there... and probably you are doing more than your share of cleaning and cooking too. I would highly recommend going to an attorney and getting some legal advice about what to do regarding his finances and seriously think about what you foresee in your future. 45 is YOUNG! Yes taking those steps is painful, but it could be ever more painful 10 years from now if you find he has squandered all his money and is counting on you to financially support him... and his sons.
You are not a fool. You mentioned this man is narcissistic. Narcissists are manipulative! They can control a nice normal person very easily. They screw with your head and ruin your self esteem. Have you been to therapy for yourself? Maybe therapy for yourself to regain your inner confidence in yourself AND a trip to the lawyer for some saavy planning.
Put yourself first!!! Best wishes and take care!
The secret spending crap and
The secret spending crap and the mooching deadbeat 25yo living rent free in my home would each be a deal breaker in the marriage for me. Together that crap would be intollerable and SO would be living in the dorm with his 23yo spawn were I you. Where the 25yo lived I would not care but for damned sure he would not be in my home and not a single penny of any resources I had a thing to do with would go to supporting any of them including DH. This may be a bit antiquated as far as philosophies go but DH's role as husband is to be the provider. My philosophy has always been that my career provides the home, insurance, education, cars, food, clothing, vacations, etc.... DW's career provides the luxury and nicer home, education, cars, food, clothing, vacations, etc...... DH needs to step up or step off IMHO.
My wife and I discuss our major espenditures before they are made, except when I am buying a gift for her. Those are a surprise and when the credit card bills show up ... she deals with how to pay for the gift. }:) She is the CPA, I leave the money managment to her though the investments and major stuff we discuss and decide together.
That your DH sneaks around buying groceries and expensive lap tops for his kid while purposely keeping those expenditures from you ... nope, he can GTFO IMHO.
Get a killer attorney, hide every penny of assets that you can, document, document, document his financial deceipt, mooching spawn, etc... and take his ass to the cleaners. Forwarned is forarmed and you have the warning that DH will condemn you to a retirent of borderline destitution at worst and a retirement of finanicial dishonesty at best.
Past behavior is the best predictor of future performance and DH's history of dishonesty, financial sneakiness/non disclosure, and tolerance of his useless prior relationship fuck nuggets predicts an extremely unpleasant outcome if you continue to tolerate his presence in your life. Injured spouse protections may be a conduit for you to exricate yourself from this toxic situation while minimizing the potential financial downside for you and nailing DH's ass to the wall for his debt and financial secrecy should that include significant liabilities.
Get a lawyer, a good one.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
My husband is the same age as
My husband is the same age as yours and he is a penny-pincher and does not volunteer to help anyone, even his 2 adult sons. Maybe your husband needs to reconsider his actions.