I get along with my step son mostly. I try to give him space with his dad alone because he gets really jealous. He is generally ok and even sometimes nice to me but doesn't see me as a value add, but more of a competition for resources of his dads time.
My step daughter is always unhappy that I exist. Even moving around in the house is awkward because she won't speak to me and will not pass items at dinner. Dinner is always awful. I try to say good morning etc. things like that to her but she never says anything back. She resents that I am not her mom/ that I am in her life at all. Every day is like that with her.
To his dad. We had been married like 5 years and had 2 kids together and my husband was so angry and told his shit kidult that i was his wife and those 2 kids of ours are not strangers but his siblings. Ss just went radio silent.
my ss has spent everyday letting us know we aren't family, that we are not welcome, even told his dad it was my job to clean the house, clean his messes because after all i am the stay at home housewife.
funny isn't it that his pos lazy arse narc personality disordered psychotic manipulative abusive mum never did an ounce of housework in her life, made the daughters do it like slaves. But somehow i am renegaded to his little bitch maid!! My husband immediately told him off that there is no way I will ever be responsible for cleaning up after him ever!!
my ss is the one who has spent everyday being such a miserable fu*k and ruins the vibe and aura of our home. I told hubby i was no longer living in a home where his adult lived indefinitely and treated us like shit and ruined our home environment and then caused so many issues in our marriage
hubby chose to buy a new home for me and our 2 kids and put it in my name as skids were actively berating dad to transfer property in their names because he owed them and hubby knew I wasn't gonna stay in a marriage where we were not protected
i am because of the closed borders in another country since almost 7 months ago not seeing my husband, our home will never have a skid enter it ever!! I will call the police if they rock up or hubby thinks they can come in. I am never being made to feel unwelcome in my home ever again
I'm so sorry that happened but I'm glad it turned out where you could have your own safe space. It's crazy that one family member deciding to not let it work can ruin everything. I also feel like we could be happy together if my SD would just allow it. My SS is younger than her and tries to impress her sometimes by being rude to me. He looks up to her, he is only 11. she is 15. I think if my SD just got on board then my SS would too and we'd be able to have a family. Blended families take forever, but even then its only be cause everyone is onboard. It sounds like your SS wouldn't let it happen. The sad thing is that they are suffering too when they chose to close themselves off like that. They don't even see it. I hope SOOOO much that when my sk turn 18 they chose to not live here anymore. I feel guilty even saying that, and maybe I wouldn't if they had common decency towards me - seriously, just basic respect, but I want to live in a home where I can just have simple love with my husband and maybe even have our own kids, and where the SK aren't always making jokes about killing my cats ( who I love seriously like kids). I hope it doesn't come to me having to move out but I have thought about it many times, if my husband was ok with it I would have done it already, but he sees it as defeat.
I gather from your biog that you are only 31. Do you have a bio child/ren of your own? if not, then I would think about exiting this situation in the near future. Like you, I tolerated being hated in my own home, but at least it was only every other weekend - but for a decade +, that was hard enough. Life should be better than this.
I do not have kids. I have 3 cats! I used to want kids, but now I am so exhausted with his that I don't know. I also feel like it would be so difficult to add any more complications into this already difficult situation. I have come close to leaving or at least moving out but I love my husband. I really do. I don't need him, I have a good job. I moved here to upstate NY from the south for him. We were long distance. I have no family here. I don't think it will get better. but I do feel like it could end soon. My SD will graduate in 4 years and hopefully leave. She is the most difficult of the two, and most resistant to me. But that's along time to endure. .. Thank you for your perspective. Did you end up leaving?
In answer to your question "Thank you for your perspective. Did you end up leaving? " - no, I stayed - which is not to say I didn't think about leaving quite a lot for a period of time. Eventually, my DH had a bit of a "road to Damascus" moment and realised what his daughters had been putting us both through, and started laying down some good boundaries.
Having read your background, though, it seems like you have a DH issue. It is HIS responsibility to raise likeable, respectful children. It is HIS responsibility to make sure THEY make YOU feel comfortable in a home that I assume you contribute your fair share to. I clearly don't know details, but you aren't "whiney" for expecting your DH to make his kids be polite, clean, respectful humans. That's bare minimum of his job, ESPECIALLY if he wanted to add a new partner to the mix.
His kids are his #1 responsibility, but you are his #1 priority. His job with his kids is to make sure their needs are met and that they launch into successful adults. His job with you (and vice versa) is to be loving, loyal, and to MUTUALLY build a life together that you BOTH enjoy, both before AND after his kids launch. Even intact families forget this piece, which (SURPRISE-SURPRISE) leads to divorce.
Don't expect or accept less just because he has kids. It's HIS responsjbility to figure out how to give more of himself to a relationship, not expect you to take less.
I agree. But what an impossible job. I think the kids are "fully formed/ fully baked" at 15 and 11 it's hard to change them, but maybe he can at least set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not, even if he can't change their minds about me. When he was with his exwife he let her set the dynamic in parenting because she was very dominant and controlling. That dynamic was no-rules. Seriously. In a way, he gets to be the parent he always wanted to be now and have structure, bed time etc. ( to some extent) but there is alot of resistance to his parenting. Alot of talk back, defiance etc. to the point where sometimes he just gives up to stop the chaos. They go between two completely different houses, (50/50 custody) staying up all night, eat when you want, swiping on their mom's tinder for her, to ours which is still super bare minimum rules.. but even the semblance of structure makes them irritated.
I worry that if I push too hard on the daily disrespect from SD I will be asking him to make a choice between his daughter and me, or at least make him feel that way. I don't want him to later in life blame me for wrecking this relationship, but I also don't know how long I can tolerate the status quo.
I love what you said about being loving and loyal - I think if I can focus on this maybe I can try to rise above the cold front from SD.
Thank you for your thoughts and perspective. They've really helped me out!
You ARE asking him to make a choice, but it's not "her or me". It's "figure out how to be a parent to your children, even if that means looking external to your own brain and feelings, or I'm going to have to make a decision to protect myself, and I can't guarantee that that decision won't be to leave".
It infuriates me when SPs come here seeking advice to fix the problem, but when asked what their spouse is doing, the answer is "they don't know what to do".
What, they don't have access to Google and the vastness of human knowledge at their fingertips? They don't know how to call the child's pediatrician and ask for a referral to behavioral health? They don't have the ability to buy books on parenting or check them out at the library?
You, as a SP, have figured out that things are wrong. You likely typed into Google "stepparent forums" or asked "what do I do if I hate being a stepparent?" You ended up here, maybe after reading other blog sites that say "love them until they love you" or said "well, the kids ALWAYS come first". But, you know that's garbage and came here, looking for help. Hell, you've even ordered a book and you've been on this site less than 24 hours!
What has your DH done that has accomplished as much? Yeah, he's tired. But, that was HIS choice to make by procreating with BM. If he is fine with how he parents, then he can do it alone or with someone who is cool with it. He doesn't get the privilege of a loving and loyal wife when he isn't being a loving and loyal husband by not putting in the work to deal with his responsibilities.
You're allowed to be upset with him. You're allowed to think he is mucking this up. Let's look at this differently. If his mother treated you like SD did, would you allow MIL in your home? Would you expect him to intervene? Or even more basic, if his car kept making a funny noise and dying, leaving you to have to save him every week because of it, at what point would you explode on him because he didn't take the car to a shop to get fixed?
This isn't me telling you to leave him. This is me telling you that you've reduced your expectations of him too much. His has 100% responsibility toward his kids, and being a husband only added to that responsibility. It's not meant to be split with you. He needs to fix his mess, and it shouldn't impact you.
Also, if you want to have kids, put yourself in a position to have them. I divorced my XH for many reasons, one of the big ones being that he told me he didn't want to have kids (after having previously talked like he'd be okay with it, including picking out baby names with me). Now DH and I are struggling with infertility, and it's CRUSHING me. DH and I are doing everything we can to get pregnant, but if he weren't on board with that, I'd leave him, too. It's too important to me and too much of a possibility of regret to not have them.
If you want them, and the current structure doesn't allow for more kids, then THAT is where you need to work from. What needs to happen for you to feel okay with having kids? Start there, give your DH marching orders what needs to fix, and send him out to fix them. He is an equal adult to you, and his excuse of being tired and giving up is hogwash and unacceptable. If he wants to give up, then he needs to give you up so you don't waste time on his failures as a parent and spouse.
You sound like a resonalbe person. Your husband is the issue here. He can't give up when they throw a fit about the "rules." If they don't learn respect now, how the heck will they manage in the real world when they are on their own? To parent means to teach. He needs to teach his children otherwise this will get much worse for you.
Before I became a stepmother, I thought that I was good with kids. I was sure that over time our family would come together. I knew that in time she would like me.
I was so wrong. In my life, I have always been able to change situations I didn't like. Bad roommate? Move. Bad boss? Quit. I surrounded myself with people I wanted to be around. The problem with being a stepmother is that if your step child decides to hate you, you have to live with that. You cannot move out, that is if you want to keep your marriage. At the end of the day, it is so hard living with someone who is cold and indifferent, who jokes about killing your cats, who is really straight up a mean girl from mean girls. I didn't deal well with high school bullies and in some weird way it's like I've been sent back in time to deal with the same bizzare situation of passive aggressive specialized mean girl skills that only women seem to be able to master.
I decided early on that I would be mom-ish, not disciplinarian. That is my husbands job. I just wanted to be an additional person in their lives. But that choice has led to alot of disrespect and I've found it difficult to know how to deal with it as a non-parent.
You say in the past that you've been able to make changes to fit your life, but you can't in this arena and keep your marriage. That's likely true. However, a marriage isn't as one-dimensional as a roommate, and that means factors OUTSIDE loving your spouse can impact whether your marriage can survive.
Stepkids, in-laws, changes to future dreams, financial responsibility, developing an drug use problem - all of these play into the health of a marriage, which plays into your wellbeing. A marriage can survive addiction SO LONG AS the spouse with the addiction problem gets help. A marriage can survive a difference in finances SO LONG AS there is a compromise on how finances will be handled and that agreement is adhered to. A marriage can survive nasty, bitter in-laws SO LONG AS the spouse related to those in-laws puts up and maintains boundaries with them.
Stepkids are no different. A marriage can survive unruly, mean girl SDs SO LONG AS the parent is actually being a parent. That means holding their child accountable, disciplining their child, and setting/keeping mutual house rules. That ALSO means that they are understanding of their spouse taking a step back, and expecting their child to treat their spouse better than they do them.
How does your DH handle his daughter? Does he discipline her? Require that she show respect (not friendliness - that's not a requirement)? Parent her poor behaviors?
Or does he tell you "that's just how kids are" or "You just hate her" or "she can't do anything right in your eyes"? Does he say that he's not changing how he parents? Does he fear losing her, and does that makr him accept behaviors he doesn't like accepting?
A spouse who doesn't handle their own problems in a marriage will kill it. If your DH isn't handling SD, then there is no amount of disengagement that saves your marriage. It's not YOU failing, it's HIM failing. And him failing is outside your control.
So, you're not doomed to live this life. Disengagement may be just the thing you need to learn more about and employ. But, don't think you're stuck just because you're married. If your DH isn't willing/able to bring you peace and comfort because he's too worried about upsetting his little poopsie, then you need to decide if it's worth losing yourself entirely to a marriage and a person who doesn't/can't make you the priority that you NEED to be.
Thank you much for this. It's true he does not discipline her and he doesn't really know how to. He's a really sweet guy and he is also suffering from her behavior too, but I'm not ok with it directed towards me even if he can take it ( although it's not the same kind of rudeness that she dishes to him). Often I feel like we are held hostage to her. weirdly. lol. Totally agree that friendliness is not a requirement just human decency would be nice. Just responding to people, not being hostile. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this.
Welcome to StepTalk. Your story is very commom, and there is a ton of great reading here (and the great book you just bought), plus a community of empathetic, wise, "Been-There-Done-That" step parents (& former step parents). Glad you found this website.
Listen, my DH was like yours, still is really. He's sweet and doesn't like confrontation. He's admitted he believes in passive parenting. He abhors rules and chores for kids.
This was exhausting me.
The I read that book, after also getting lots of real advice here on ST, and then I began to disengage. DH had to deal with being a parent finally because I could not, per himself and the SDs attitude to me. I was NOT a mother figure, aunt figure but dad's wife. Still am.
So I don't do anything that involves parenting.
Mt older SDs attitude was becoming a big problem. She resisted and denied all authority (why wouldn't she when she was raised with none?), She would not help around the house even when asked and her room was beyond messy. I simply told DH what I would and would not do with her and followed through. I would not back down. He HAD to step up, and he did.... because it started to directly affect him. Then she left for her mother's almost four years ago now. It's been much more peaceful.
What I'm trying to say is you cannot fix it, it's not your fault and you need to disengage. You need to figure out a couple things you need, need, your husband to do and make sure it's on him. Read Lieutenant's posts several more times. before the end of the day.
Comments
Absolutely positively not!
Absolutely positively not!
Believe me, I can relate to what you're saying. It isn't a pleasant feeling. It can feel very painful and unfair.
Did something happen specifically? Or just having an off day?
Off-Days are all days lol
I get along with my step son mostly. I try to give him space with his dad alone because he gets really jealous. He is generally ok and even sometimes nice to me but doesn't see me as a value add, but more of a competition for resources of his dads time.
My step daughter is always unhappy that I exist. Even moving around in the house is awkward because she won't speak to me and will not pass items at dinner. Dinner is always awful. I try to say good morning etc. things like that to her but she never says anything back. She resents that I am not her mom/ that I am in her life at all. Every day is like that with her.
My ss is 22 now and about 1.5 yrs ago referred to me as stranger
To his dad. We had been married like 5 years and had 2 kids together and my husband was so angry and told his shit kidult that i was his wife and those 2 kids of ours are not strangers but his siblings. Ss just went radio silent.
my ss has spent everyday letting us know we aren't family, that we are not welcome, even told his dad it was my job to clean the house, clean his messes because after all i am the stay at home housewife.
funny isn't it that his pos lazy arse narc personality disordered psychotic manipulative abusive mum never did an ounce of housework in her life, made the daughters do it like slaves. But somehow i am renegaded to his little bitch maid!! My husband immediately told him off that there is no way I will ever be responsible for cleaning up after him ever!!
my ss is the one who has spent everyday being such a miserable fu*k and ruins the vibe and aura of our home. I told hubby i was no longer living in a home where his adult lived indefinitely and treated us like shit and ruined our home environment and then caused so many issues in our marriage
hubby chose to buy a new home for me and our 2 kids and put it in my name as skids were actively berating dad to transfer property in their names because he owed them and hubby knew I wasn't gonna stay in a marriage where we were not protected
i am because of the closed borders in another country since almost 7 months ago not seeing my husband, our home will never have a skid enter it ever!! I will call the police if they rock up or hubby thinks they can come in. I am never being made to feel unwelcome in my home ever again
Wow
I'm so sorry that happened but I'm glad it turned out where you could have your own safe space. It's crazy that one family member deciding to not let it work can ruin everything. I also feel like we could be happy together if my SD would just allow it. My SS is younger than her and tries to impress her sometimes by being rude to me. He looks up to her, he is only 11. she is 15. I think if my SD just got on board then my SS would too and we'd be able to have a family. Blended families take forever, but even then its only be cause everyone is onboard. It sounds like your SS wouldn't let it happen. The sad thing is that they are suffering too when they chose to close themselves off like that. They don't even see it. I hope SOOOO much that when my sk turn 18 they chose to not live here anymore. I feel guilty even saying that, and maybe I wouldn't if they had common decency towards me - seriously, just basic respect, but I want to live in a home where I can just have simple love with my husband and maybe even have our own kids, and where the SK aren't always making jokes about killing my cats ( who I love seriously like kids). I hope it doesn't come to me having to move out but I have thought about it many times, if my husband was ok with it I would have done it already, but he sees it as defeat.
Welcome to the site!
I gather from your biog that you are only 31. Do you have a bio child/ren of your own? if not, then I would think about exiting this situation in the near future. Like you, I tolerated being hated in my own home, but at least it was only every other weekend - but for a decade +, that was hard enough. Life should be better than this.
Thank you!
I do not have kids. I have 3 cats! I used to want kids, but now I am so exhausted with his that I don't know. I also feel like it would be so difficult to add any more complications into this already difficult situation. I have come close to leaving or at least moving out but I love my husband. I really do. I don't need him, I have a good job. I moved here to upstate NY from the south for him. We were long distance. I have no family here. I don't think it will get better. but I do feel like it could end soon. My SD will graduate in 4 years and hopefully leave. She is the most difficult of the two, and most resistant to me. But that's along time to endure. .. Thank you for your perspective. Did you end up leaving?
In answer to your question
In answer to your question "Thank you for your perspective. Did you end up leaving? " - no, I stayed - which is not to say I didn't think about leaving quite a lot for a period of time. Eventually, my DH had a bit of a "road to Damascus" moment and realised what his daughters had been putting us both through, and started laying down some good boundaries.
No, what you want isn't too
No, what you want isn't too much to ask.
Having read your background, though, it seems like you have a DH issue. It is HIS responsibility to raise likeable, respectful children. It is HIS responsibility to make sure THEY make YOU feel comfortable in a home that I assume you contribute your fair share to. I clearly don't know details, but you aren't "whiney" for expecting your DH to make his kids be polite, clean, respectful humans. That's bare minimum of his job, ESPECIALLY if he wanted to add a new partner to the mix.
His kids are his #1 responsibility, but you are his #1 priority. His job with his kids is to make sure their needs are met and that they launch into successful adults. His job with you (and vice versa) is to be loving, loyal, and to MUTUALLY build a life together that you BOTH enjoy, both before AND after his kids launch. Even intact families forget this piece, which (SURPRISE-SURPRISE) leads to divorce.
Don't expect or accept less just because he has kids. It's HIS responsjbility to figure out how to give more of himself to a relationship, not expect you to take less.
Yes but so difficult!
I agree. But what an impossible job. I think the kids are "fully formed/ fully baked" at 15 and 11 it's hard to change them, but maybe he can at least set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not, even if he can't change their minds about me. When he was with his exwife he let her set the dynamic in parenting because she was very dominant and controlling. That dynamic was no-rules. Seriously. In a way, he gets to be the parent he always wanted to be now and have structure, bed time etc. ( to some extent) but there is alot of resistance to his parenting. Alot of talk back, defiance etc. to the point where sometimes he just gives up to stop the chaos. They go between two completely different houses, (50/50 custody) staying up all night, eat when you want, swiping on their mom's tinder for her, to ours which is still super bare minimum rules.. but even the semblance of structure makes them irritated.
I worry that if I push too hard on the daily disrespect from SD I will be asking him to make a choice between his daughter and me, or at least make him feel that way. I don't want him to later in life blame me for wrecking this relationship, but I also don't know how long I can tolerate the status quo.
I love what you said about being loving and loyal - I think if I can focus on this maybe I can try to rise above the cold front from SD.
Thank you for your thoughts and perspective. They've really helped me out!
You ARE asking him to make a
You ARE asking him to make a choice, but it's not "her or me". It's "figure out how to be a parent to your children, even if that means looking external to your own brain and feelings, or I'm going to have to make a decision to protect myself, and I can't guarantee that that decision won't be to leave".
It infuriates me when SPs come here seeking advice to fix the problem, but when asked what their spouse is doing, the answer is "they don't know what to do".
What, they don't have access to Google and the vastness of human knowledge at their fingertips? They don't know how to call the child's pediatrician and ask for a referral to behavioral health? They don't have the ability to buy books on parenting or check them out at the library?
You, as a SP, have figured out that things are wrong. You likely typed into Google "stepparent forums" or asked "what do I do if I hate being a stepparent?" You ended up here, maybe after reading other blog sites that say "love them until they love you" or said "well, the kids ALWAYS come first". But, you know that's garbage and came here, looking for help. Hell, you've even ordered a book and you've been on this site less than 24 hours!
What has your DH done that has accomplished as much? Yeah, he's tired. But, that was HIS choice to make by procreating with BM. If he is fine with how he parents, then he can do it alone or with someone who is cool with it. He doesn't get the privilege of a loving and loyal wife when he isn't being a loving and loyal husband by not putting in the work to deal with his responsibilities.
You're allowed to be upset with him. You're allowed to think he is mucking this up. Let's look at this differently. If his mother treated you like SD did, would you allow MIL in your home? Would you expect him to intervene? Or even more basic, if his car kept making a funny noise and dying, leaving you to have to save him every week because of it, at what point would you explode on him because he didn't take the car to a shop to get fixed?
This isn't me telling you to leave him. This is me telling you that you've reduced your expectations of him too much. His has 100% responsibility toward his kids, and being a husband only added to that responsibility. It's not meant to be split with you. He needs to fix his mess, and it shouldn't impact you.
Also, if you want to have kids, put yourself in a position to have them. I divorced my XH for many reasons, one of the big ones being that he told me he didn't want to have kids (after having previously talked like he'd be okay with it, including picking out baby names with me). Now DH and I are struggling with infertility, and it's CRUSHING me. DH and I are doing everything we can to get pregnant, but if he weren't on board with that, I'd leave him, too. It's too important to me and too much of a possibility of regret to not have them.
If you want them, and the current structure doesn't allow for more kids, then THAT is where you need to work from. What needs to happen for you to feel okay with having kids? Start there, give your DH marching orders what needs to fix, and send him out to fix them. He is an equal adult to you, and his excuse of being tired and giving up is hogwash and unacceptable. If he wants to give up, then he needs to give you up so you don't waste time on his failures as a parent and spouse.
You sound like a resonalbe
You sound like a resonalbe person. Your husband is the issue here. He can't give up when they throw a fit about the "rules." If they don't learn respect now, how the heck will they manage in the real world when they are on their own? To parent means to teach. He needs to teach his children otherwise this will get much worse for you.
Step-Daughters
Before I became a stepmother, I thought that I was good with kids. I was sure that over time our family would come together. I knew that in time she would like me.
I was so wrong. In my life, I have always been able to change situations I didn't like. Bad roommate? Move. Bad boss? Quit. I surrounded myself with people I wanted to be around. The problem with being a stepmother is that if your step child decides to hate you, you have to live with that. You cannot move out, that is if you want to keep your marriage. At the end of the day, it is so hard living with someone who is cold and indifferent, who jokes about killing your cats, who is really straight up a mean girl from mean girls. I didn't deal well with high school bullies and in some weird way it's like I've been sent back in time to deal with the same bizzare situation of passive aggressive specialized mean girl skills that only women seem to be able to master.
I decided early on that I would be mom-ish, not disciplinarian. That is my husbands job. I just wanted to be an additional person in their lives. But that choice has led to alot of disrespect and I've found it difficult to know how to deal with it as a non-parent.
#stepmother #stepdaughter #notmydaughter
Read Stepmonster and dive
Read Stepmonster and dive into disengaging.
You say in the past that you've been able to make changes to fit your life, but you can't in this arena and keep your marriage. That's likely true. However, a marriage isn't as one-dimensional as a roommate, and that means factors OUTSIDE loving your spouse can impact whether your marriage can survive.
Stepkids, in-laws, changes to future dreams, financial responsibility, developing an drug use problem - all of these play into the health of a marriage, which plays into your wellbeing. A marriage can survive addiction SO LONG AS the spouse with the addiction problem gets help. A marriage can survive a difference in finances SO LONG AS there is a compromise on how finances will be handled and that agreement is adhered to. A marriage can survive nasty, bitter in-laws SO LONG AS the spouse related to those in-laws puts up and maintains boundaries with them.
Stepkids are no different. A marriage can survive unruly, mean girl SDs SO LONG AS the parent is actually being a parent. That means holding their child accountable, disciplining their child, and setting/keeping mutual house rules. That ALSO means that they are understanding of their spouse taking a step back, and expecting their child to treat their spouse better than they do them.
How does your DH handle his daughter? Does he discipline her? Require that she show respect (not friendliness - that's not a requirement)? Parent her poor behaviors?
Or does he tell you "that's just how kids are" or "You just hate her" or "she can't do anything right in your eyes"? Does he say that he's not changing how he parents? Does he fear losing her, and does that makr him accept behaviors he doesn't like accepting?
A spouse who doesn't handle their own problems in a marriage will kill it. If your DH isn't handling SD, then there is no amount of disengagement that saves your marriage. It's not YOU failing, it's HIM failing. And him failing is outside your control.
So, you're not doomed to live this life. Disengagement may be just the thing you need to learn more about and employ. But, don't think you're stuck just because you're married. If your DH isn't willing/able to bring you peace and comfort because he's too worried about upsetting his little poopsie, then you need to decide if it's worth losing yourself entirely to a marriage and a person who doesn't/can't make you the priority that you NEED to be.
Just ordered the book!
Thank you much for this. It's true he does not discipline her and he doesn't really know how to. He's a really sweet guy and he is also suffering from her behavior too, but I'm not ok with it directed towards me even if he can take it ( although it's not the same kind of rudeness that she dishes to him). Often I feel like we are held hostage to her. weirdly. lol. Totally agree that friendliness is not a requirement just human decency would be nice. Just responding to people, not being hostile. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this.
Your Same Story...
Welcome to StepTalk. Your story is very commom, and there is a ton of great reading here (and the great book you just bought), plus a community of empathetic, wise, "Been-There-Done-That" step parents (& former step parents). Glad you found this website.
Listen, my DH was like yours,
Listen, my DH was like yours, still is really. He's sweet and doesn't like confrontation. He's admitted he believes in passive parenting. He abhors rules and chores for kids.
This was exhausting me.
The I read that book, after also getting lots of real advice here on ST, and then I began to disengage. DH had to deal with being a parent finally because I could not, per himself and the SDs attitude to me. I was NOT a mother figure, aunt figure but dad's wife. Still am.
So I don't do anything that involves parenting.
Mt older SDs attitude was becoming a big problem. She resisted and denied all authority (why wouldn't she when she was raised with none?), She would not help around the house even when asked and her room was beyond messy. I simply told DH what I would and would not do with her and followed through. I would not back down. He HAD to step up, and he did.... because it started to directly affect him. Then she left for her mother's almost four years ago now. It's been much more peaceful.
What I'm trying to say is you cannot fix it, it's not your fault and you need to disengage. You need to figure out a couple things you need, need, your husband to do and make sure it's on him. Read Lieutenant's posts several more times. before the end of the day.