I understand that what your husbands daughter said to you was very upsetting, but read through all the forums and blogs and you will find out that you were very very lucky. Most of us on here had Skids that were Jekyll and Hyde to us as they grew up, we never knew what personality would show up for a visit.

You are also very blessed to have a husband that would not put up with disrespectful crap, most of us have dealt with a Disney Dad for many years. DAH(Dumb A$$ Husband) and I are coming up on our 30th anniversary and I wonder how we made it this long. DAH was a Disney Dad for many years, and I continued to take all of SD37(Leech) and DAH's crap. I finally grew a spine, things changed over the last two years to where our marriage is very strong.

The cold-pragmatic-you-are-not-family-you-are-dads-wife thing.

She seems very intelligent, but missing that "sensitivity gene". She felt like her world was blown up and now there is a new woman in dads life. If infidelity was not the cause of the breakup, she really has no reason why she has not accepted you into her heart, well then she was clear - back off. Back waaaaaaaaay off. Put all that love and attention and energy and time and YOU-ness into the folks that actually WANT it. A hard lesson to learn, heartbreaking, but hey - this was what you probably needed to hear anyways.

while technicaly correct - a peice of paper does not entitle you to use the word "family" your MARRIAGE is MORE than a piece of paper, and if she doesnt UNDERSTAND exactly what marriage to another person IS, then she has no business actually being married!!!!! But thats all just conversation, right? Shes obviously in love and wanting a union with her partner.

She not only rejected, you, but your ENTIRE family. She sounds stubborn, and cold hearted.

At any rate, do not invest any $$$ into her from this point forward. "Dad's wife doesnt need to buy presents for non-family daughter". Dad can do that, her wealthy "real family" can do that. Attend the wedding, and smile your way through it. Take her at face value, no further contact necessary.

I have a horrid SD20 who continually treats me as "dads wife" and trash talks me and calls me names - but bonus - is no contact. But I also have SD13 who loves me, is sweet and kind to me and thinks of me as family.

Guess who I pour my love and attention on?

The one that DESERVES me and my wonderfulness!

Your SD doesnt deserve you or DD, so give her what she has so politely asked for and get her out of your head.

I'm sorry that you are hurt.

I understand what she is saying, but I don't understand such coldness, refusing your gifts, and rebuffing ANY attempts to connect as something other than strangers. She doesn't want to consider you and your family as her family, fine, but surely there is something in between? She was downright rude to your mom.

Now you know not to waste any more time, energy, and emotion on her. She is the one missing out, you seem like a decent, caring person.

I'd like to offer you both sympathy and maybe perspective.

My DH has a fairly pragmatic relationship with his parents. He loves them in his own way, but he won't be devastated when they die. He doesn't see the need in communicating with them frequently. It's not that he is cold so much as he sees himself as an adult and his efforts need to be placed elsewhere - like raising his own kids and caring for his immediate family.

That is anathema to me. My family is blended seven ways to Sunday. I have step-everything. They are all family (minus a step sister but she's a real piece of work).

If my DH's parents had remarried when he was a teen, or now, he'd have been polite and respectful, but he would have reacted very similarly to your SD in regards to the type of relationship he'd have. His parents showed him that not all relationships last, so he doesn't get attached to people that he doesn't have full control over the type of relationship he has with them. He likes my parents and siblings, but they aren't his family - they are my family. If we get divorced, he doesn't want to feel obligated to maintain a relationship, and he would if he considered them family.

For him, he loves wholeheartedly the people he CHOOSES to love. He could find himself loving and having a good relationship with a family member of mine, or the new spouse of one of his parents. But that relationship would be entirely based upon that person as a person. And honestly, he'd likely not try unless they were just really interesting to him because then his personal life would become complicated if there was divorce, and he's not interested in more complication than he already has.

I'm more willing to get hurt. He's not. It's not a risk he is willing to take, and it's not a risk your SD is willing or wanting to take, either. It's her call who she forms relationships with. It has nothing to do with you as a person. She'd feel this way no matter who her father married. It's about the connection, and you'll always be a potentially impermanent one that she has no control over the permanency of.

It's not you. Don't take it personal, even though I know it hurts.

Can I be honest here? She's right. You aren't family to her, you are dad's wife.  She's correct that you marrying her father doesn't make her in any way obligated to see you as a family member. She was at least respectful and civil to you, if a bit harsh when people were just trying to be kind to her (your mother).

While I get that you feel hurt, your expectations were unrealistic - what did you hope she would call you? My SS has always called me by my name.  He likes me okay, but I don't know if he sees me as "family" or not. I don't expect him to, really.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I do think some people go into stepparenting with unrealistic expectations, and it hurts when those are not met.  But she is honest in telling you how she feels, and she's not wrong. Now perhaps you can build a reasonable relationship with her as "Dad's wife".

to see HER partner divorce her ass and then not be accepted by the next family she infiltrates.

Well makes life easier one less person to worry yourself about. 

I’m not sure why you asked if you couldn’t cope with the answer that was pretty predictable from her previous behavior. She seems to have been very straight forward with showing what her feelings are over the years without branching into being disrespectful. 

Not everyone is going to like you in life, it hurts our pride when someone doesn’t like us especially when we can see no “reason” for it but you just have to accept it and move on. 

I think it's quite obvious that she has some emotional and intimacy issues, so I would not take it personally. It's her, not you.

I know it was a hard thing to hear, but she isn't wrong.  Her father choose you and she had no say.  She didn't have to accept you as family.  She juat had to respect you, which it sounds like she did.  Be happy.  She is a productive member of society, who really has very little bearing on your relationship.  She does sound like a cold person.  She may one day find herself very lonely.  But for now, try to look at the positive.  She isn't actively trying to sabotage your relationship or cause you any harm.  Try to put your hurt feelings behind you.  Embrace her cold, civil attitude and move on with your life.  If you try to push a relationship that she clearly doesn't want, you will only succeed in alienating her further and making yourself miserable.

I might be in the minority but she disengaged from you.  It's rare that it happens to the SM as opposed to the SM doing it to the skids.  A bit extreme but, like you said, she was never rude.  Basic politeness.  Disengaged.  It's fair actually, just not what you were expecting...sums up the stepworld perfectly really.

I actually like what she said, it cannot be more clear. I also tend to think that DH's family altogether is not my family. Not his kid, his sisters and brothers, not his parents.

We all pretend for some reason, to keep it "normal" but to be honest, no one cares. I would love to have same boundaries and I am working towards it.
 

Because honestly, we are just a bunch of very different people that have nothing in common except DH, pretending that we are a family ? 
 

you are lucky! I am kinda jealous of what you have :) 

Sure, she's "not wrong." Sure, adult skids are allowed their feefees and they can disengage. But if a SM said those things to her adult SD, her effigy would be burning in every corner on the internet.