Keeping Quiet is Hard
Hey, I am new here. I am officially going to be a step parent in less than a week, but my fiancé and I have been living together with his daughter (who is now 7) for 4 years. She is here 50% of the time and a joy to have around.
I am curious to know how others deal with the ex. She is always the source of our arguments. For example, swim lessons which I would like to add were a gift from my mother, the step grandmother. Lessons take place every Saturday morning for an hour. This would be fine if we could get the ex to bring her. She always has an excuse why she can’t take her on her weekends. This past week’s excuse was she had to go grocery shopping. So, we had to drive to her place, pick up my step daughter and take her to swim lessons. After swimming the ex was supposed to pick her up. Over 2 hours later she showed up. My fiancé didn’t say anything to her about how long it took her OR that she couldn’t figure out how to go shopping and take their child to swim lessons. According to him, every comment would start a fight. So instead of saying something, he remains silent. Meanwhile I am going to explode because I am someone that doesn’t like to keep quiet and I don’t like to see my fiancé get crapped on. In my mind if you don’t say something she is just going to continue doing it. According to him if you say something it will start a fight and the ex will take it out on their daughter. He is ultimately trying to protect his daughter.
These types of incidents happen weekly. The ex is constantly having issues with what we do at our house: rules we might enforce etc. or she has issues with what we do during the time we have her: going to the movies etc. What we do with our time is our business, and how we run our household is also our choice. We don’t say anything about her rules or what she does with her time. How do I keep quiet?
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First, do not accept gifts
First, do not accept gifts from your mother such as the swim lessons unless BM has agreed to take the child on BM's time.
You or Dad have no business scheduling aything in your non=parenting time.
Your house, your rules. Mom's house, Mom's rules. Learn. Live it.
BM agreed the the lessons. I
BM agreed the the lessons. I should have said that in my original post.
Ding ding ding!
Ding ding ding!
Gift or not, you scheduled something on BM's time. She is allowing her daughter to use the gift, but is requiring the gift giver (or, in this case, their proxy) to follow through on the commitment. She is under zero obligation to take SD to swim lessons that she had no say in, and is being nicer than most by allowing SD to participate in something paid for by the SM's family.
Regarding her questioning what you all do during your time, ignore it. No one says you have to respond. How does she take it out on SD? If it's abusive, call CPS. If it means BM doesn't take her somewhere on her time, then that is on BM for damaging her own relationship with her daughter. There is a gray area where there is abuse/neglect that CPS just doesn't care about, but the only thing within your DH's control is what he does on HIS time.
To my knowledge to their is
To my knowledge to their is no physical abuse happening.
"What we do with our time is
"What we do with our time is our business, and how we run our household is also our choice. " How can you post this after complaining about mom and the swim lessons? Both of you are trying to have a say in what goes on in the others home. Why is it OK for you to do this but not her?
Dad did the right thing by not saying anything to mom. He was wrong for scheduling lessons during her time.
Truth be told, mom doesn't have to come up with excuses for not getting the kid to the swim lessons. She could have simply said NO.
BM did agree to the lessons.
BM did agree to the lessons. I should have stated that in my post
Agreeing to allow SD to
Agreeing to allow SD to accept the gift, does not mean she is obligated to transport the kid to and from the lessons.
The woman can't be all bad since she is making the kid available during her time.
I JUST had this convo with my
I JUST had this convo with my DH. Told him anything that involves BM, he would have to do because if not all of this stuff that I’ve been holding back just might come out and it won’t be helpful to anyone! Pray, meditate, Drink (of course not tooo much, lol). Whatever helps you find your inner peace. Don’t let BM take that from you. That’s gonna mean your SD might not be able to do somethings and you’re going to have to be able to accept that.
Thanks! It’s really hard to
Thanks! It’s really hard to keep my opions to myself. Looks like I am going to have to come with ways to keep it in without exploding
This is the problem with
This is the problem with favors...you have to go to the beat of BM’s drum if you want the kid on BM’s time. You can do what most here do which is stick to the CO and never plan events or extra curriculars on BM’s time (even if she says she’ll go along with it) OR suck it up and deal comforting yourself with the fact that in the end you are ultimately getting what you want—the kid for swimming lessons. The sooner you get over the idea of BM doing anything to help y’all out or the way you would do them, the better. They purposely take the long way round when it comes to logic if it means they get to cause pain and suffering for their ex and his new SO.
Get intimate with the court order....
The issue sounds more complicated than just mom will not take child to swim lessons
She agreed to lessons then it is her responsibility to take SD when SD is on her time. The CO might stipulate it is at the parents discretion in which case BM not taking her is ok.
SO not telling BM to come pick up her child: This one is also more harm than good. Also you scheduled the activity on her time and now you want her to make the effort to accomodate you? Expecting most BMs to accomodate what the biodad wants is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. Note: a lot of standard COs have stipulations on how parenting time should go. Read your SOs CO. Also a lot of men do not want to tell their BMs to mind their business. That is pretty standard and there are TONS of information filled blogs right here. Sorry that you are going thru that!
The BM knowing about rules and activities at your house: It would definetly rub me the wrong way if BM commented about every rule I have at my house every week. My SO ignores her. At first I was FURIOUS but then I learned that it is the best way. IGNORE and carry on!( still working on that. myself) Cannot control what child tells mom.
Our step daughter tells her
Our step daughter tells her about the rules and what not. Then during their nightly phone call makes snide comments about them.
Don't worry over what BM
Don't worry over what BM thinks of your home's rules. Every home has expectations, rules an guidelines of what happens and doesn't happen in their house.
BM snide remarks doesn't (or at least shouldn't) matter. BM gave up her rights to parent the child 23/7 365 when she divorced the father. She doesn't have to like your rules or she can think your rules are silly and stupid.
Don't let her get to you, or if she does get to you, never let her know it, She'd love nothing better than to think she made troubles between you and Dad. It would please BM to pieces .
Why s Dad talking to BM every night at call time anyway? At age seven she's big enough to answer the phone if caller ID says MOM. No need for him to verbally speak to BM every night.
The nightly phone call is a
The nightly phone call is a whole other issue I have. I agree with you that she is old enough now to handle the call herself. Most nights he is guiding the call because BM doesn’t really know how to talk to her child. Most nights BM is quiet until my fiancé suggests things to talk about.
Honestly, he really ought to
Honestly, he really ought to stop that. He shouldn't be interfering with their time (even thouigh he does it with the best intentions he still shoudn't be inserting himself in the call - let SD just get on with it alone). Has it occurred to him that she might be silent because she knows he's listening in and it makes her uncomfortable? Also, in the best case scenario, if they don't talk during their time then the calls will probably taper off and only happen when their really is something to talk about.
Another thought ... maybe the snide comments happen simply because he's there, listening. If he wasn't there, they wouldn't be made. Either way, him sitting in on the conversation is making the whole thing very unnatural and uncomfortable. He really needs to let them sort things out between them.
I learned to ignore!
Every once in awhile BM1 decides to criticise something we do at our house.
The last time she criticised me wanting my Stepsons to wear shirts and pants around the house( Ss12 is almost upon his teen growthspurt...). Apparently in her house all the men sit in their underwear( yes she almost said this and DH witnessed Sloth- her younger son .Now 11- laying around in an open bathrobe at 1 pm on a weekend no underwear). Suffice it to say it is easier ignoring her now!
Thanks everyone!
Thank you all for your insite. I appreciate all your opinions and look forward to more of this future.
I think this is just a lesson
I think this is just a lesson learned...don't get activities for her. I know it sucks, but I dealt with similar issues. My husband wanted the skids in activities, but BM never wanted to take the skids to their activities on her weeks, so DH would take them. He'd pick them up from her house and then drop them off. I never had a weekend with just DH and I (before we had our own) because we took the skids every weekend to their activities, school events, everything.
After DS was born, I refused to allow DH to continue it. Although, I may not have had a husband, I needed a father to help me with an infant. At that point, DH flat out told BM that he would not continue the skids with activities unless she agreed to take them on her weeks. She did not agree, and the skids were very limited in the activities they could do. She thought DH was bluffing but he wasn't at the time. I was pissed and ready to leave him. I calmed down though and DH attempted again to enlist SS in activities, specifically tennis, which was a 2 minute drive from her house, and walking/biking distance for SS. BM agreed to take him on her weeks, but she didn't and SS didn't go himself. DH stupidly continued for 4 to 5 sessions (about 8 lessons per session) before finally stopping. We were paying for lessons and she never sent him. It pissed me off to no end. But it was both BM and SS's fault, both of them knew their responsibilities when we offered to sign SS up (he wanted it). Neither of them held up to their end of it.
It’s definately coming down
It’s definately coming down to her not being able to do activities. Makes me really upset because she has such a great time doing the activities. Thanks for sharing your story
It sucks not being able to
It sucks not being able to give skids opportunies but I would say number 1 rule for dealing with an inconsiderate BM is to avoid situations where it's going to cause problems. Don't agree to take SD unless you're prepared to keep them for the day. Lower you expectations or just assume it will be another 3 hours after pick up time that she shows up. This way instead of being upset you're pleasantly surprised when she's only one hour late.
At least she's letting you take her to them instead of wasting them.
The best thing you can do is
The best thing you can do is accept that your SD has two parents and you aren't one of them. Don't waste your time worrying or being annoyed by what BM does or doesn't do, that is DH's problem. And don't fall into the trap of pushing DH to behave a certain way or handle BM a certain way, just stay out of it. If the nightly phone calls bug you, don't be around for them. It took me a looooong time to learn to not give my opinion unless asked, and only give it ONCE. How he parents is DH's decision.
Next time your mother can get SD a gift that just stays at your house to be played with. Lesson learned.