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BM trying to get with MY SO ? Just me?

DASKRA's picture

When SO started dating we did not want anything serious at all. He was a guy with four kids and I had just gotten out of a marriage. We agreed together that I would not meet his children for a long time. Eventually we both fell hard for each other. We don't always decide who we love. Let me just say if my feelings for him were not strong, real and true I would have been gone a long time ago.

BM knew he was seeing someone as he told her as an FYI. Then after 8 months or so I met his children and family. When we decided this was a for sure thing. She showed up one day to pick up SD then 2 at his parents after a family dinner and I was going to be there. Now previously I would go in the back room as to not be seen. Finally he said , no stay here. I was like ok. Thinking he told her I was there and was gonna "meet" her.

Background on me. I grew up in a blended family. My mom was married and divorced twice. My step dad raised me and I have two dads. My dad and my daddy. My mom divorced my step dad and remarried. I am still his daughter to him. His new wife accepts me and my brother even though we are not legally his. They have two girls that are my sisters. Not legally but still family. My mom is referred to as Aunt. My mom and step dad lost a lil girl and my youngest sister looks just like the lil girl they lost and its hard and rewarding for my mom. My dad understands and so does his wife. She is not trying to move in. But the more people who love them the better. As they live where her mom lives she visits them and they love her and everyone gets along great. My bio dad was with a women for 12 years but never married. Always considered her a stepmom and her kids my step siblings. They split but are still in my life. My bio dad had a harder time with being civil but with my step dad and half brother everyone got along great and what was best for us was best. Growing up when I visited my dad my half brother went sometimes because he was my brother and that family accepted him and was still close to my mom. My mom went to graduation of my bio dads sisters kids but my dad didnt. He is not involved with his family.

Basically I thought people, all people who had children and were not together got along and their SO's job was to be polite and get along too. My job as a future stepparent was to be in the side of the child. Not always my SO because he is not always right and sometimes BM. But to look out for skids. Be a neutral party. I am very easy to get along with. Make friends easy. One of those people. Always helping others. Hell I am a nurse.

So when BM showed up and I was putting SD2's shoes on her cuz SO was packing her bag. She just walked in without knocking like she owned the place. She saw me and apparently SO did not mention I was there. She yanked SD off the couch and out the door. SO always out SD in her car seat when she left before so he went out the door to say good bye and kids her (sd not BM) and BM freaked out on him cuz I was putting shoes on her. Some stranger.

She ended up telling him that she still loved him wanted to be with him, it was so hard to see him with another women. After almost three years now BM has gone from trying to be best friends with me and SO, to getting in with my mom, to getting a false ( didnt hold up ) restraining order on SO with me and my mom attached to it to back to my bestie shopping buddy with lunch dates to living SO and back again.

Lately she has been putting me down and bashing me because she feels inadequate as a mother and feels I do a better job and is threatened that her daughter loves and talks great about me to her all the time. She told SO that she is hurt that he put " other" people's relationships before theirs and she can't take it anymore.

She calls him 2-3 times a day about stupid shit. Is this white gap shirt yours at 9 pm. We have a court order stating M T hers W Th his split EOW. She calls to ask. I get her Monday right. She will call to tell him things he already knows. Call to say my boyfriend cheated on me and got someone pregnant. She always calls.

I feel like she is trying to weasel her way back into his life.

I have asked him to stand up to her and her lies and he says its not worth the fight. Well it's either a fight with her or with me because she keeps telling people I am trying to play house with her kid and all this other BS. I am sick of it. Tried to get me fired.

I feel he needs to tell her that they will never have anything together ever. Since all the hurt she has caused to me, my mom his mom and his children. By calling cops and making false claims there will never be anything. Set clear boundaries and set to them. I found out one day when I was working and BM came to get SD and was in my house with him for 2 hours talking. Hell no. My house. Never again. She used to be invited in when she picked up SD. Hell I even had her over for dinner as our first house guest once before she went crazy. My mom said not to trust her.

What can I do? Can't force him to tell her off. I tried to say. " it would mean a lot to me if you told her what you tell me. Stand up for me". He said I know it would.

I just want a man who shows he loves ME and won't let BM walk on the women he loves.


LittlePanda's picture

I guess he needs to tell her that the only contact he wants is what has to do with the kids. The BM in our life does not contact us at all unless it's about SD, and even that is very rare. Your husband just needs to man up and take control. If he ignores her phone calls and texts (unless they have to do with the kids) things will go a lot more smoothly. It's up to him to lay it out for her though..."I don't want to know about your personal life or what you had for dinner..if you have something important to discuss about the kids you can text me or email me and if a phone call is necessary I will make that call."

But the question is..will he do it?

As you's either fight with her or with you and why would he want to fight with you?

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Im so very sorry you are going thru all of this. Our BM tried the same bullcrap of "I still love you" to my now DH. Personally, it happens to Alot of us. They dont really want our men, its more of a game these sick twisted BMs do- they want to see if they still have our mens hearts!!! They were so used to the pecking order, thinking They, not the skids, come first with our men.

I had to have that "coming to Jesus" talk with my DH!! I couldnt take BMs crazy ass calls all day & night. It was nuts & frankly she would call, text or email about the most mundane things she could come up with, pretending the convo to be about "the kids" but she was just gradping at straws to find a reason to talk to him.

I put my foot down. He got to choose between either her ( who alreadu had another man living with her & the skids) or me!!! I wasnt about to take one more minute if it all. My DH obviously got it, cause we are married now!!! Your SO NEEDS to put an END to it with BM!! Hes probably thinking & liking getting his ego stroked by 2 women!!!!!!! But he cant eat his cake too!!

HE needs to IGNORE BM. HE needs to tell her that she may call, but all calls go to voicemail & that he will eithef email her a response unless its a true emergency!!!!!!!!! HE needs to tell her NO texting whatsoever!!!!!! Period!!! Again, he will email her a response, if about the kids ONLY!!! No phone calls answered anymore by him from her. No more texts. Period. Ignore the crap outta her. NOW is the time your SO needs to PROVE his Loyalty to YOU!!! NOT HER!!!!

My DH did this. It TRULY worked for us!!! Our crazy BM still thinks however that MY DH & Her should still have secret phone calls between them. Ha!! Lmao-- I dont think so!! Stupid bitch tries it, but DH puts me on 3 way for me to hear every single word!! Thats because she used to swear he would tell her he still loved her. Hmmm. Nope ditz head-- last alone convo you had with him was over 2 1/2 yrs ago!!! She doesnt get to have secret convos with MY DH!! That ship sailed long ago!!! Ha!!

Have the talk with your SO !! Time to put BM in her place! Far far removed!!!

DASKRA's picture

I just had a long talk with him and basically said. I am 28 years old I am too young to be tied to this crap. I have no kids, a great job and can find someone else that doesn't have all this to start a family with.

I knew what came with this but u need to be the man I signed up for too. It was not until mentioned sd4 getting put in timeout for calling me mom that he said fine I will talk to her Thursday. Well great now that its about SD he will try to do something.

We only fight 90% of the time about her. She told me after she thought I had a miscarriage that I shouldn't be having kids. Didn't deserve them. He already has four if them. Why anymore. It took him four days of be crying and begging him to stand up for me to call her out. Only for him to be nice because she was "talking to me as a friend not a BM" and was only concerns were for my health and the children. He bought it. Always buys her stupid act. My mom says I should feel sorry for her because she is really that dumb. She really is that dumb.

He just doesn't get it. Deer in head lights does not get it. I layed it out as everyone said. Me or her. Even how it feels like he chooses her over me. Wants her over me. He just says. I don't want her. Never will. Never could. Then tell the crazy bitch. Well I did. Once. That one time. Three years ago. Well that has not stopped her.

He doesn't answer most of her calls cuz she calls him while he is working. Tried to make it about sd. Asks the same questions for three weeks. Cuz she forgets.

I tried the no phones. Only e mail. That didnt last.

I am sticking to my guns and I have threatened to leave before. This time I mean it.

I have become a person I don't like. Letting her get at me. This is not me. I am doing and saying hurtful things. This is not me.

I love him and his children. His children love me. They needed me to help their dad realize he was a good dad and not the shitty dad BM's lead him to think and then act like he was. He is a different person and they know it. Even the BM's know and have thanked me for showing him the light. Well women. It's not that hard. It was you that made him not want to because if he didn't do exactly what you wanted you called him a bad father and took his kids away. Now we have court orders and he knows his rights. Nothing gets by me and I will not let these women hurt these kids.

DASKRA's picture

And after the long fight with me crying my eyes out. 10 min later there is SO. Sound asleep. Snoring. Not bothered by my hurting at all.

That's what hurts. He knows I am hurting but does nothing. Maybe because its become a regular thing that he has just lost interest.

bi's picture

i have an exbf who would say the most horrible, hurtful things to me. he did that one night then started chowing down on mac n cheese while i was crying and asked me if i wanted some. :jawdrop: fucking asshole. i swear he did it just be even more of a worthless POS.

bearcub25's picture

My BM did this for a few years. Calls would start with skids, usually something really stupid and then would flip to BM was sick, BM was dying, BMs dad is dying. BM would be going somewhere and call DSO and ask for directions or stupid stuff like that.

I let it go for a few years and then I started bitching. Finally, DSO started letting all calls go to VM. then BM started texting all the time, DSO ignored these unless it was important. It took a little while but he was able to train her like teaching an old dog a new trick.

dad'swife's picture

DASKRA your BF is playing dumb. He is not a "deer in headlights". He knows exactly what he is doing, and is choosing to keep her calm and happy at the expense of upsetting you.

This will only change if and when he is ready. He likes things the way they are as it makes HIS life easier. Which is the reason why he is able to sleep soundly while you stay up all night crying.

Your BF is showing you where he stands without telling you. His actions speak volumes. So what are you going to do?

DASKRA's picture

Not standing up for him cuz he doesn't deserve it but I will post the e mails she sent where I make her feel inadequate, pushed out or less of a mother cuz I do too much for SD. SD would not say she hates me or it here. She thinks this is her home and she cries when she has to leave.

I don't fabricate because I don't have to.

They were never married. They got engaged over a text message because she was insecure about his friends and his job. Bought him a ring to wear. Then went out two weeks later and slept with another man and had no idea who the father was.

Her loss. He hates her. Screams that part at me. His words say that loud and clear. She is the town slut. Wants to move because everyone knows her past. She is an ex stripped. Tried again but is too fat now. Federal felon. Two DUI. Two theft charges. Ya real winner.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

It took him four days of be crying and begging him to stand up for me to call her out. Only for him to be nice

He bought it. Always buys her stupid act.

He just doesn't get it. Deer in head lights does not get it. I layed it out as everyone said. Me or her. Even how it feels like he chooses her over me. Wants her over me. He just says. I don't want her. Never will. Never could.

(BM) Tried to make it about sd. Asks the same questions for three weeks. Cuz she forgets.

if he didn't do exactly what you (BM) wanted you called him a bad father

^^^^ THIS is exactly my DH and BM (and me).

I have went through this for 4 years and it is still happening periodically.

It is better but DH still caters to BM and SS is stb18. SS comes and goes when he wants so BM can't really hold that over DH's head. And DH can't use that as an excuse.

So what is the deal with DH? Why does he listen to BM when she calls 3 times a month about a STB18 year old that DH sees once every week or a couple times a month?

Why does he feel like he HAS to take BM's calls and hear what she has to say when she goes over and over the same things? Things that DH really has no control over.

I feel for you and my suggestion is if your SO doesn't pull the plug on BM's constant contact I would pull the plug on my relationship with him.

I know for myself, if I had known how bad it was going to be with BM I would not have married DH until he ended his "relationship" with BM. Or maybe not at all...