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Step Kid in Need of a New Perspective (Sorry its so long)

Princess4Life's picture

I want to start by saying that I am a 15 year old girl, the oldest of 3 full blood related siblings, and my parents got a divorce three years ago. Both of my parents remarried and I love my step dad, but I can't stand my step mom. It makes my dad upset that we don't get along but I don't know what to do because I honestly hate her. Let me start by explaining my relationship with my dad.
When my parents got a divorce my dad was a wreck. He became an alcoholic and depended on me for support. He would constantly talk (and cry) to me about what he was feeling and I had to hold it together for the whole family. Although that was really hard for me to deal with, being about 13, my dad and I formed a special relationship and I love him so much! I am definitely a daddy's girl! Long story short he tried to move on with a couple serious relationships that didn't work out and I was left, again, to pick up the pieces for him. He had told me many times that if there was ever a girl that I didn't like that he was dating, I could tell him and he would stop seeing her. That, however, apparently didn't apply to the one girl I didn't want him to see! Her name was Crystal. She was 26, an on and off stripper that had two small kids with two different dads that she didn't have a serious relationship with. Well her and my dad ended up getting married 5 months later. 
Alright, the reason I don't like her is not because she is/was a stripper, I don't like her because she is lazy, untrusting, and immature (among many many other things). Some of those things may seem small but they really aren't when you have to live with her constantly! Let's start with being lazy. Remember how I said I had to hold things together for my brothers and dad? I was practically their mom when we went to his house.  Well nothing really has changed with the marriage except that now if I forget to do something like the dishes I get in trouble. My dad says that it is because "Crystal likes the house to be clean" (even though she obviously doesn't care enough to do it herself)! She will literally just sit on the couch eating chocolate while she watches everybody around her clean! She is also very untrusting. She always thinks my dad is cheating on her! For example, whenever she finds something of mine that she doesn't recognize, she immediately assumes he is has a girlfriend! The other day she found my bathing suit top in his truck and freaked out, screaming and cussing and I had to tell her it was mine! Another thing that she does that drives me crazy is that she is simply annoying and immature. She seriously acts like she is twelve. She is always playing stupid trying to be cute, or fake giggling, or squealing like she is six. She doesn't realize that when you are 27 it's not cute anymore! Honestly, if it were just that she annoyed me, then that would be fine and I could just suck it up, but that's not the case.
The thing that makes me hate her instead of just dislike her is that she is plainly cruel and mean to my dad. My dad is already insecure about being smart (he has ADD and usually forgets to do things). She is always cutting him down in little ways that he doesn't notice, but I do. For example, she purposely makes him look stupid in public and she always blames him when there is a problem (even if it is as simple as losing her keys when they are actually on her dresser where SHE put them). I didn't hate her though, until Friday. (important background info: when my dad was trying to move on from the heartbreak of my mom he dated a couple of his ex students whom he hadn't had contact with since they graduated) When Crystal found out about this, for whatever reason, she freaked out. This wasn't just a little argument, it went on for three days. the first day started at about midnight and I had no idea until the next morning when my dad was working. (The very mature Crystal *cough* left her 7 year old in charge of her sick 3 year old while she went to the gym to tan) I was asleep in my room when they woke me up to make them breakfast. About halfway through pouring their cereal Crystal got home. She walks into the house on the phone, screaming at my dad. The first thing I hear is "OH SO JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE YOUR EX STUDENTS THAT MEANS YOU CAN F**K THEM!?" I was shocked! Then she goes to her room and I (along with my 10 year old bio brother, 7 year old step sister, and 3 year old step brother) can hear her screaming "YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL!? I FEEL LIKE YOU JUST RIPPED OUT MY HEART AND STOMPED ON IT!" At this point I was annoyed but not extremely pissed-- yet. The next thing she tells is "I ALSO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE SICK, DISGUSTING,  PERVERTED, NASTY, AND I DONT FEEL SAFE AROUND YOU!!" When I heard her say that I didn't know what to do I was so mad! I felt like I was having a panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking and I was having a hard time breathing and I yelled "YOUR HAD BETTER NOT BE TALKING TO MY DAD!" I was so upset and I ran to my room and shut the door. When I couldn't calm myself down I went outside in the front yard and called my boyfriend, who made me feel a little bit better. I knew my mom would be picking me up in fifteen minutes, so I packed the clothes I wanted to take, got my brother, and waited outside. I have been at my moms since, but I have to go back tomorrow. I am still so upset and dreading having to be in the same house as Crystal. 
Anyways, the reason I am posting on this site meant for step parents (not step kids) is because I want to hear what yall think about this. I am not trying to slam anybody or step on toes, I just need a different perspective on this situation; I thought hearing from people in Crystal's position could provide me with this! Thank you for your time!

Comments

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

I totally agree with the others. Your Dad is the real issue here sweetie. He broke the cardinal parent rule: no matter what goes on in your life. Once you become a parent, you never ever ever lean on your Child for emotional support & become buddies with them!!! Your a parent first & foremost--- lean on someone else other then your young Child!!!!

Your dad Chose to marry this woman. His marriage, his problems & you should Not be involved in their arguments, etc.

It sounds like a much healthier idea to go live with your mom. Can you do that?

doll faced sm's picture

I agree with everyone else.

Also, I'd say most of us aren't in Crystal's position as we wouldn't leave a 7 yo in charge of a 3 yo, delegate the running of a household to a 15 yo, or seriously consider stripping a career (with exception, of course, made for Candy the librarian stripper).

In all seriousness, you may idolize your dad, but what he did was wrong. He put you in the position of mini-wife and gave you adult spousal status. The problem, of course, is that you aren't and can't be his wife and aren't yet even an adult. It was wrong to burden you with the responsibilities of adulthood *long* before you were emotionally ready to tackle them.

From the perspective of an adult with children, though, this *is* his choice. You have 2 1/2 more year of being a child, and then you will (hopefully) leave the nest. You'll have college, a job, a family of your own, etc. It was never realistic to expect you to fill that void long term, and when he realised that, he married. And while you don't have to like his choice, you do need to respect her in her own home. And yes, even if you were there first, if your state is a community property state (many are), she is now part owner of the home. Further, if you want to continue to have at least a decent relationship with your father, you need to respect her as his wife and show courtesy. You don't have to fawn all over her or love her like a mom, but a hello when she enters the room (or you enter a room where she is), speaking when spoken to, and staying out of their arguments, etc.

Finally, if you feel like you really are taking on all the household duties, ask for a chore chart; make up some excuse like you have trouble remembering or something. Perhaps if your step-mom can physically see all she asks of you, she might lighten your load. OR, perhaps you only think it's a lot, and if you could see everything written out, you'll realise how little it actually is.

napamom's picture

I agree with all the other posters. Your father has done you a terrible disservice and needs to seek professional help. He is terribly selfish to lean on you the way he did and then bring this awful woman into your life. You need to arrange a different place to live for you and your siblings asap. This is WAY too much for a 15 year old to deal with and I applaud you for handling it all for this long.

12yrstepmonster's picture

It is extremely hard to be in your shoes. However you control how you handle yourself in certain situations.

First - it is natural to step in and help. I wad taught that is what family does. They rally when help.OS needed. By the time I was your age my SM had left, I was in charge of my younger brother, cooking dinner, laundry, grocery shopping with my dad, writing out the checks for bills.

In addition, you and your boo sibling are the constants in each others lives.

Second: your dads marriage is not healthy, and you have a choice- to either be in his life or not to be. If you are in his life you have to understand she and her kids are at this time part of his life. It is his choice and he chose it. While he said you had control, you really never should. Would you want your dad to tell you who you can marry in the future? In addition a child grows up th leave a parent and you sitting judgement on a wife could make for a lonely dad in the future (not saying SM is right for dad).

If you love your dad you support him in his decisions, you respect him as your dad, you give him the support in his decisions because you are his family.

I veto running to your moms and staying there. I strongly suggest that if you want a relationship with your dad, you support his decision. Respect the SM, be nice and curteous.

Princess4Life's picture

Thank you all for your advice! It was very helpful and I think I know hat I need to do now. I didn't realize that I forgot to say that my dad is no longer an alcoholic. He has completely turned it around with the help of Crystal. That is actually something that I really do like about her. He actually is the complete opposite now and he doesn't drink at all anymore. He hasn't even had a beer in as long as I can remember, so he is doing really well! Again, thank you for all the support and help!