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Relatives Visit

Cover1W's picture

DH's sister and cousin came to visit us the past week for a couple days, it was so nice to see them since they live a long way away.

It was funny to see YSD17's interactions with them.  She beat them to our house, which we didn't think would happen the day they arrived but that was good. DH warned her when he brought her home that she had to make her own dinner while we picked them up since she wouldn't eat what I made, and she did. So we had a nice meal together that night. Sis and cous asked about her meal/food choices, not critical but with interest. Again, she could barely iterate why she is vegan and again, denied she's vegan, just "vegetarian with lactose intolerance." 1) at least she's no longer claiming "allergy to dairy" like she'd go into anaphylactic shock if she ingested any and 2) she IS vegan, no animal products at all, she's stopped eating eggs too. Not sure why she denies it.

She was pretty engaged with DH's sis - much more so than she EVER is with me, EVER. I hope DH saw the difference. She has LESS contact with sis. Cous gave her a hard time but YSD doesn't take jokes well so she didn't know how to react - LOL. Cous is smart and calls people out and YSD didn't like that.

The next day we were all pretty much up around 8 am. YSD has to leave this day, yes, less than 24 hours here, at around 4:00 pm. I made breakfast, we chatted, caught up. No sign of YSD at all even by 11:30, but I did hear her up around 9 or so. Sis commented, that she heard YSD finally up. I said, yes, she's been up for a while now. Sis, "Why doesn't she come up?" Me, "I don't know and cannot make her do so, and I know it's'll have to ask DH." (sis knows the situation and reasons for my disengagement). Sis agrees with me and asks DH, "Where is YSD, why is she not up here visiting?" DH, laughs a little, "I don't know!" and goes back to what he was doing. I think OSD must have heard (sis is not quiet) - she comes up a bit later, close to noon. Apologizes, and says she was engrossed in reading her book.  What book sis asks, "Oh it this one, it's for a younger age group but I like it, it's not for school." She reads on her own books for age group about 5 years younger - by choice. Sis was a bit taken aback but moved on.

We ended up doing a few things that day, with YSD along - but she didn't bring her bag with her so we ended up having to go all the way back to the house early so DH had time to get her things then drop her off.  Sis and cous asked me then about her food situation, why she mumbled all the time when she spoke (a constant peeve of mine DH lets her get away with), why her mom's house was so important and expressed concern I couldn't intervene or act more parental....

Both of them thought she acted much younger than she is and noted several lies she told (that she comes here every weekend - not true - and that she keeps in touch with a couple friends in our area - again, not true).

It's nice to be validated! 


JRI's picture

Its nice to have inlaws who understand, especially in a step situation.  You don't feel so alone.

thinkthrice's picture

Despite gas lighting from guilty daddies, their exes and skid's relatives.  My grown DD 41 back 18 yrs ago took one look at Chef's ferals and asked "Mom, were we THAT BAD?"  And I replied "no, because I wouldn't ALLOW it."

NieMojCyrk's picture

We have never had any in laws visited us in the US and I am not close to any of them and didn't even met any of them until the summer of 2022. Therefore, I few years ago I was pretty sure they had no clue why my husband's son doesn't come to our house anymore and why he's gone almost zero contact with his dad. So I was positive that I was the one blamed since all the nice messages they used to send me all of a sudden stopped. Husband's son also had and still has zero communication with his grandparents. In fact, after moving together with my DH I was the one who initiated the phone calls between both parties during dad's weekends. There were none before I got in the picture. Few years later I disengaged and opted out of being someone's doormat and then later came the husband's son decision that we were no worth his royal a$$ time. After that there was no more how amazing it was that DH had met me.

Four years forward my husband decided to take his 18 yrs old son abroad to visit his grandparents. What a disaster, an absolute sh!show! I knew from the very beginning how it would go, but my husband had this delusion for so long in his head of this amazing and happy vacation where his son all of a sudden turns into a bright unicorn and it's all rainbows and glitters, laughters and happiness - I just had to let him experience it, yes, experience it. Let me tell you, husband and grandparents took him to the most amazing and beautiful places around, attractions, historical sites, the best restaurants, entertainments and all one could dream of. They showered him with cash (which surprisingly was the only thing he didn't mind). Nothing was good enough for him and everything turned into a nightmare. What a shock! At some point of the visit (I arrived one week after them to give more time for all that "amazing family joy"), while myself and my husband were having some our travel time, we got a phone call that his son ended up basically not wanting to be(or maybe even not wanted) at either grandfather and grandmother's houses (they are divorced). In our culture, grandparents not wanting you near them is something unheard of. Earlier BM also got involved threatening to call "authorities" if her 18 yrs old bored baby wasnt immediately delivered to her.  Her "authority" threats were dropped even before my arrival, so if my math is correct everything went downhill on let's 4-5. My husband offered to change son's flight and send him back home - son refused. Som wanted to be taken home, he could never figure out airport. For god sake, he can't figure out automatic shift car. He got bored during the vacation as usual, nothing there was worth it, everyone there trying to please and entertain him was treated as inferior, and he just believed that we'll just drop everything and fly back to deliver his royalness to the mother queen bee. Umm, nope!
I feel bad that my husband's son and his grandparents will never experience this strong connection with each other that my own daughter and parents have. This feeling is so special and so ordinary for our culture. It's magical.
But it's not my fault. I used to blame BM, I was made to believe it's her fault, sometimes I thought it must be my DH, but then this 18 yr old grown man was given a chance to explore and experience something so different and kind of amazing, to enjoy it with zero effort, yet he just acted like an absolute retard. He does not care about anyone or anything. Zero, nix. He's so antisocial, it's just painful to be around him. 
And I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but I felt kind of relieved. Now they saw what I had to go through, now they knew.

Of course as grandparents they'll never openly say anything to me, but the never ending before invitations for him to visit them all of sudden are no longer existent. My husband is currently making plans for two of us going back next summer, but there is zero suggestion or even bringing up his son's name into the plans lol

Validation, such a nice word.