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OSD and Texting

Cover1W's picture

Last night DH told me that he had video conferenced with BM. Ok. He said that she could see him but he couldn't see her and all his settings were ok. I looked at him like, really? Oh. Maybe she had her camera off so you couldn't see HER? Jeez DH, she's not a good person! Of course I think OSD was right there with her.... anyway.

DH mentioned that he was texting OSD regularly, but never gets an answer, it's been a year of nothing from her. He asked what can we do about that. BM apparently said, well if she texts you back then you'll want to email, then call, then visit, then ask her to come to your Like it's a bad thing. so a natural way to reconcile is totally out of the question.

Meanwhile note I say nothing but nod and an occasional "uh-huh."

Then he told me that he's going to see if the counselor (who OSD has refused to see.... because OSD has all the power granted by BM) can meet with OSD virtually. And then he launches into the facts that she's likely not to agree. And why doesn't BM use 'parenting' skills to when she refuses to go she gets a trip to see her cousin instead, maybe you see your cousin if you go?

Ladies I bit my tongue hard here, it's what I, me, myself and I constantly tell DH not only about OSD (and did when she was younger) but also YSD. Find what is their currency and use it....but what do I sknow?

In the end it's still BM excusing and giving OSD the ok to treat DH like she does. I really think this may cause damage long term and think that even as she grows older she'll be this way.

But DH knows this. So long as I keep my mouth shut he'll learn.


tog redux's picture

Yeah, he needs to stop engaging with BM about OSD. BM will not help him reconcile with SD, and as long as he allows BM to be the gatekeeper, this will continue.

Gimlet's picture

Yep.  My DH made this mistake for years by asking BM to help him with his relationship with OSS, while she was alienating and talking crap about him all the while.   He realized his giant mistake too late.

He talks to OSS occasionally now, but never through BM.  They have a tentative "relationship" now but I am not sure it will ever fully recover.   OSS is 23 and still lives with BM and I don't see that changing.

Cover1W's picture

I know. I've told him point blank many times that BM is NOT on his side at all. He just thinks that he can appeal to her as a rational person.

....and that's why I am no longer involved in it.

tog redux's picture

Too bad - he's feeding right into what pleases her most - having all that power and control over him.

stepper47's picture

BM in our case had the nerve to text DH a while back to tell him she is really worried about his and SD16s relationship and he needs to do something - after she had undermined him for years, spoke against the way we run our household, "rescued" SD from our house many times, and rewarded SD's eventual declaration that she didnt want to live here anymore by giving her the master bedroom at BM's house and a newer car to drive.  My SD also does not respond to DH's texts and calls, unless she wants something.  I don't know of anything that can be done when one parent is appearing to support the behavior, and feeds in to the negative feelings.   I tell my husband to just be consistent in reaching out to his daughter, keeping the door open but not being the doormat.     I don't know if his and SD's relationship will ever be stable and good,  but I do know that BM is not going to help that happen regardless of how she wants to appear to be the good guy.                                                              My parents were divorced when I was 3, and I had a lot of emotions over the years about my dad.  Especially when he married my stepmom.  I used to get so upset with my own mom when I was venting about something I was mad about at their house, and instead of ageeing with what i was saying, she would try to show me other ways to look at it.   Now I so appreciate that even though she had her own opinions about things at the time, she knew that I needed a good relationship with my dad and went out of her way to try to support that.   I don't ever remember feeling like I had to be divided against my parents, and I am very grateful for that.  I wish parents could realize that supporting each other doesn't take away from themselves, it would save a lot of stress on the kids in an already hard situation

Survivingstephell's picture

Ask him why BM would do this and what her true motivation is with all of this. Then send him away to think on it and face reality.  You can point it out all you want but until he does his own critical thinking , he will keep playing  with BM. 

Cover1W's picture

Done this. Only results in him saying 'But I'm appealing to her as a mother." Like being a mom is only good. And thus we see why SM has zero parenting ability.