Next YSD18 Visit?
It's been again over a month since YSD graced her dad with her presence. He's getting p*ssed off and worried. Last night he tried blaming BM (yes a good part of the issue) but I redirected him back to being DIRECT with her FFS. I dropped the convo like a hot potato.
She graduates in one month. DH has heard nothing about which college she decided on (oh yes, he has committed to helping pay), nor her plans for graduation or the summer.
Her school play (she works behind the stage NOT acting) is done so that's not an excuse, as are most of her classes. She has no job. No excuse now.
Graduation is the damm day after father's day so DH is worried she won't be here for Father's day, and is going to ask her to be here Memorial Day weekend instead. Of course I predict she'll say "but that's BMs weekend" utterly ignoring the truth that no time is her dad's any more.
I keep telling DH tell her the truth, there's no other way. Stop dancing around trying to spare whatever little feelings she has...I predict it'll end in tears.
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Shameful
And very difficult to watch.
My DH is very much like this,
My DH is very much like this, rather than be direct he dances around issues, I think he does it so that should things not go his way it doesn’t stick to him or make him feel bad. My DH is an avoidant personality, coupled with possibly being neuro-divergent, and he has no clue how to foster relationships. If the other person isn’t putting in all the effort then there is zero relationship with my DH.
Totally this! "I think he
Totally this! "I think he does it so that should things not go his way it doesn’t stick to him or make him feel bad. My DH is an avoidant personality, coupled with possibly being neuro-divergent..." However he does know how to have relationships but the effort is what stymies him. His ADD is for sure an issue for this with lack of planning skills 100%. He also doesn't want to have to WORK at it. Parenting is hard for him and his feelings take precedence over reality a lot of the time. But I don't support that view AT ALL.
The dance of avoidance is
The dance of avoidance is strong in many who have experienced failed marriages/families. Directly addressing challenges and finding solutions is something they would rather die than deal with.
Many of "these" people require everyone else to be all in when they are not in at all.
I suppose I am fortunate that my "guilts" don't last long. Mainly because when I screw up, I see it very quickly, I fix it, engage with the person who is hurt by my actions and make demonstrable efforts to correct and heal the situation, and then I get on with it. Whatever it may be.
Time for daddy to start
Time for daddy to start directing some stipulations. "You will spend FD with me, or... forfeit any financial support during your Freshman year of college. Any scheduled visit you miss during the year, no more money for the rest of the school year.
The days of the toxic spawn dragging daddy around by the short and curlies has to end.
IMHO of course.
He did this with OSD20 who
He did this with OSD20 who was on a campaign against him due to a very successful PAS situation.
With YSD it's a little different, although I have told him that he needs to make sure he's involved directly or she won't get it (she's likely on the spectrum and just doesn't get relationships or see the value in connectiong which is why DH needs to be blunt with her). I certainly have withdrawn my graduation gift from consideration at this point.
My SS is an adult Dxd with
My SS is an adult Dxd with ADHD. I would not be surprised if he is on the spectrum. I agree that with the people that matter, those who are the communicators have to be the ones to pull teeth and keep the communication going.
Unless, the other side of the communication is toxic in which case, good riddance to them being gone and not in contact. At all.
If they are toxic, good luck getting me to pick up a "call". I will only do that entirely on my terms. They ... can suffer.
Well. He’s letting this happen.
He agreed to pay for college with out any input in her choices. Not pushing graduation, it's a few weeks away, they know what's hapoing. So he taking it,, SD is giving it to him. It's his fault. He could easily say. I not paying for college with out my input. Or if I am not important enough to attend your graduation, I not important enough to pay for your college. ???? He should look down and find his. Things And do something,
Going through the same thing with SD18
Hi Cover!
I'm going through a similar thing with our SD18. I just posted about some of it. Basically, SD18 suddenly stopped taking DH's calls and avoiding him whenever possible, saying she was stressed about graduation and college and too busy to talk to him. She was not nice about it, either.
Then she calls him and says she is going to an out of state college and she is there on campus with her BM and BM's boyfriend. Wha?? DH was confused, because when he asked her about college several times before, she said she was too stressed to think about it. DH was hurt that he couldn't accompany her to check out her new digs.
So, DH and I get a letter in the mail on mothers day, saying that BM's is using her attorney to petitition the courts for post secondary education payments for the next 4 years from DH to BM. Oh hell naw. We got an attorney and are fighting it - trying to get BM to put up or shut up.
Then DH calls SD18 and says he wants to take her to lunch and talk to her about college. SD18 acts nervous and tries to get out of it, DH persists, saying he misses her and would like to chat face to face. SD then calls the day of the lunch, saying she wants to bring her 20 y/o sister along. He says fine. (I warned him this was an ambush, but did he listen? No)
SD18 and SD20 show up and immediately SD20 accuses DH of being mentally unsound and says she is concerned about him. DH holds his own and says he is fine, and asks why she thinks that. They both say he looks too happy and he's lost weight. (Not kidding you.) He says he lost weight because he started eating healthy and he is happy, and that he doesn't want to waste time talking about this when they could be talking about SD18's future. Funny thing is, 2 days later DH told SD20 over the phone that she looked nice and asked if she had lost weight. She threw a fit and said she doesn't like anyone to comment on her body and he should respect her neurodivergence, whatever that means. (She is not autistic or ADHD but claims to be both.)
SD18 admits when asked that BM wanted her to keep college a secret, and she agreed, and that it was a mistake to do that to DH. DH did a pretty good job of keeping these two in check and not letting them bicker away the entire hour fighting with eachother instead of talking with him. He thinks it was a success. I am just glad he held his own and is not too upset over their rudeness.
We are still going strong and planning our retirement on a nice tropical island away from BM and her entourage.