At 12, I was getting up every morning before school and walking next door and feeding my horse as well as 4 others, cleaning stalls and turning horses out. By doing that, I got to keep by horse at the neighbors barn, board free. Every day after school, I was back at the barn feeding horses again and bringing them all in for the night. I always thought it was a great gig because I'd be over there anyway with my horse, so might as well take care of the others too and get free board.

There are ZERO reasons why a 12 year old can't go clean a damn stall.. especially when she has ALL damn day to do it! I have 3 horses right now, I turn all of them out, clean all of their stalls and fill outside water for the day, buckets inside for the night and put hay outside, and in stalls.. so basically when I get home from work at night all I have to do is bring horses in the barn.. everything is already done. I do this every morning before work. It takes me about 1/2 an hour. Cleaning ONE damn stall should take about 5 minutes max.

If your DH is the one home during the day, HE needs to make sure that BEFORE SD is jumping on the trampoline, deep couch sitting, running off with friends, or whatever it is she is doing.. her chores need to be done. It's really not that difficult.

...and THIS is why a few years ago when SD called DH and asked if she could get a horse and keep it at our house DH said HELL NO! SD is a lazy slob. Can't even throw her used maxi pads in the garbage... and she's going to take care of a horse EVERY DAY? Nope.. and I sure as shit wasn't about to do it for her since she had zero respect for me. Thank God, DH used his brain on that one.

You are not wrong. (and I am one that thinks kids should have chores but minimal during the school year.)

But I do think you are taking it out on the wrong person. (SD)

If I were you, I would figure out what chores you want done. Then make a list and give to DH. Sit DH down and tell him the following when you hand him the list.

“DH, I cannot do this on my own. I am not the maid. So I am giving you a list of things I need done tomorrow. You can do them or SD can do them, I don’t care who. If you or SD cannot help with the Minis we will HAVE to get rid of them. I am tired and can’t keep up any longer.”

My 2 year old does "chores". She helps me unload the dishwasher, she always clears her own dishes from the table and will help clear everyone's if asked, playroom gets picked up before bed, she puts away her laundry in her drawers as I fold it. So, yeah, 12 can do chores.

I also agree with a PP, you may have to completely spell it out. Water animals - 10 and 2. Muck stalls. Etc.

Well, according to my STBexDH, they are children until they turn 18, so they should be expected to do any chores until they turn 18. So according to him, no they should not have to do chores.

I was brought up another way. I had chores from as far back as I can remember. Isn't it a wonder our marriage didn't make it?

A 12yo?? Pfffffft, NO! My parents had us (5 kids) doing chores as soon as we could walk and put away our own toys. Dishwashing/drying started at age 4 - you dried silverware. Housecleaning, lawn chores, caring for the dogs, cooking... we learned more and more as we got older. By 12, each of us could spring/fall clean the house from top to bottom, do any type of laundry, cook a multi-course meal for the entire family, and care for the dogs. The boys were doing car maintenance and the girls could make their own clothes.

BTW, we were not ASKED to do chores; we were EXPECTED to do chores. We knew what was expected of us and did it. Or faced the unpleasant consequences.

Holy Cow... heck yes, they should be doing chores and when I was 12 I would have given my right arm to be able to be around horses and care for them. If she doesn't want the outdoor farm chores, then she can take care of dishes every evening and give the kitchen a wipe down. Or she can be in charge of the laundry... SOMETHING.

She should absolutely have chores. How else will she learn how to take care of herself. I tell my son this all the time when he complains about helping out. I tell him, "when you are an adult.. which is not that far off... don't you want to know how to clean up a mess, change a light bulb, make everyday appliances work, etc?" "Your girlfriend will think you are some kind of pansy if you can't even do these things by yourself!" He's 14 now, and he's been alternating dish night with my SD for the last two years, PLUS the two of them are responsible for cleaning up their own bathroom, which they share, and if they don't bring their laundry to the laundry room and do it themselves, it just doesn't get done! My son also helps out with outdoor chores as needed. YES, he complains constantly! Too bad! Oh well! Even my younger two (6, 12)help out when they are at my house (they don't live with me full time - and don't do any chores at all at their dad's!).

Kids these days are coddled way way way too much. I'm a teacher and I see kids starting Kindergarten that can't even hold a spoon to feed themselves. The parents actually come in at lunch time and FEED THEM LIKE BABIES. They've never seen a book before, never held a crayon...they don't even know their real name because they've been called "baby". I've seen K and 1st graders being pushed to school in a stroller and leaving a bottle behind (YES a baby bottle) in the car when they are dropped off. I KID YOU NOT. And this is not just the odd occurance. This is multlple kids, every year. Jeepers. If you want to create a monster, that's how to do it. I"m sure all of you reading this are not coddlers of this extreme nature.

I'm a strong believer that kids should do whatever they a capable of doing. That means the 2 yr old can dry herself off after her bath and help clean up her toys. The 3 yr old can dress herself, walk around in the house (don't carry her!) and at least try brushing her own hair. The 4 year old can put the placemats on the table and give everyone their silverware. Yes, they may need help and you may have to "finish up" after, but for heaven's sake let them give it a try!

I appologize. That opened up a personal can of worms that I wasn't expecting. LOL.. I'll get off my soap box now.

Let there be chores!!!!

Stop begging for help that they aren't going to give.

Sell the minis and SD's horse so there's less for you to do.

If you still can't keep up, sell them all.

Not too old.
Neither SD (10 & 12) have any chores.

Grinds my axe in all ways.

I get home last night and the kitchen is a mess. No one has even unloaded the dishwasher or wiped down the countertops.

I make myself cheese/crackers for dinner as SD10 is at a friends house and SD12 and DP are at a movie.
Yeah, no.

I gathered up all the dishes laying around outside the kitchen, washed and dried them and put them into storage. Every time I will do this until every last thing is in storage except one coffee cup, one glass, one plate and one set of utensils for me.

I told DP that tonight I am taking myself out to dinner so I'll be home late.
It's the last night the SDs are with us for 3 weeks.
I just can't.
He says, "I know this is hard on you sometimes."
And, "I know I left the kitchen a mess."
I just wanted to scream, IT'S NOT JUST YOU! TWO OTHER CAPABLE PEOPLE CAN DO IT TOO!

OMG.

Definitely not too young!! For me selling her horse would be a lesson learned.
I have a daughter and at the age of 7 was mucking her own minis stall, feeding and cleaning the coop and also taking care of her own dogs. She would even stack hay on delivery day and help the shearer with the sheep and alpacas. Our rule was always that the animals can't take care of themselves and if you refuse to do it you don't deserve to have them. The end.

This actually came to test just two years ago. My daughter insisted she wanted a little dog. She took the responsibility but then stopped. I gave multiple warnings and chances with the threat that the dog would go to a family that would care and appreciate him. Well it happened. At this time she has learned her lesson and now walks and feeds my dogs as well as taking care of the chicken coop. She hasn't asked for another dog but I can guarantee when that day comes she will definitely take care of it.

As for chores we have a chart and it's the kids responsibility. They clean bathrooms, do dishes, etc. The boys mow the grass and other outside chores. Being a part of a family means helping and that's it. There isn't any negotiating whatsoever.

When my DH told me that the skids were "visitors" and not required to do any chores around the house, I took that as he was going to be 100% responsible for any cleaning due to them. The funniest part was, he HAD them do things that would count as chores but since he didn't CALL them chores (and they were his idea), then it was okay.

For instance, when they were done eating, he required them to scrape their plates into the garbage and then put their plates in the sink. Not much but I now know that there are skids who can't even be bothered to lift their own plate from the table!

No you are not being unreasonable. I think communication and follow up is the key here. Sounds like you expect DH and SD to do what they consider "your work" just because they have some freed up availability. why would they do anything if they are accustomed to you doing it all? Sorry but lazy spoiled husbands and kids aren't that considerate. Don't exhaust any of your energy being disappointed or angry because they do not think like you. What you can do is communicate that you would like help from them since they have some free time. Leave a list of chores you would like them to complete by the time you get home. Now if you get home and nothing is done after you've expressed your feelings and left a list for them, THEN GET PISSED and OFFENDED.

I ran myself ragged for years doing EVERYTHING for my husband and stepkids. They didn't appreciate it one bit. They didn't even notice or care that I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I ran myself right into a depression. For what? I had to realign everything and set up boundaries. I communicated to my husband that I was no longer going to do everything in the house and that he would have to contribute as well, and that went for the kids. Once I spoke up, followed up and kept to my word, things got better. Husband now cooks more than I do and all of the kids began fending for themselves, cleaning up after themselves, doing their own laundry, doing chores. Life is good now. I rarely have to lift a finger. the only chore I have now is folding my laundry because hubby does the laundry now, I just fold it. The kids do all their own clothes. I cook only on the weekends, if I choose to. Its great! Gotta speak up and stick to your guns babe, that's the only way people will not take advantage of you.

Chores and helping out are part of being a family, a team. My step children never had assigned chores ( they were eoweekend and when they were younger were at our house every day for between 1-2 hours). They helped out with anything I asked them to do. BS just turned 9, no assigned chores but again I expect him to help out with whatever he is asked to do. He puts away his folded clothes, takes the dog out, helps me with garbage ect...

Parents are not doing their kids any favors by allowing them to be lazy.