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Husband's Ex just won't give up trying to be part of our family!! And my mother in law continues to talk to her!!!

comotini's picture

}:) I've been married 9 years, together w/my husband 11. We have a 7 year old daughter. Hubby was married prior for 4 1/2 years very young, had 1 son, now 21 years old. He divorced/left his ex-wife 18 years ago!!! My husband did not love his first wife - it's not my fault, had nothing to do w/me - he cheated which was horrible, she's a control freak, he had to find a way out. I'm not glad he did that but it had nothing to do with me. Ex remarried couple years later after divorce in 1997, then divorced AGAIN. She then changed her name from her 2nd husbands name BACK to my husbands last name! Then she asked the in-laws to move her back to California - which they paid for $10k, then my mother in law proceeded to (unbeknownst to my husband) pay her rent for 2 years $2400/mo and had the ex start working in real estate w/her. (ex was single) could have moved back w/her family/mom/dad instead she mooched off my in-laws because shes a manipulative user and they had $$. Well then along I come in 2004 - 7 years after his divorce Ex and I were actually the best of friends, we got married in 2006 and then - I had my daughter. The Ex became more controlling w/the stepson, wouldn't let us see him and extremely jealous. Meanwhile she was living w/a guy who has 3 kids but he didn't want marriage then.

Fast forward to 2012 - husbands ex kicks my stepson out of her house (they fought all the time) his senior year of high school in January - in with us full time. I have a 3 year old at the time. We were still on ok terms at that point. My hubby pays child support Jan/Feb/March even though his son was with us 100% and spent ZERO nights at her house. They barely saw each other. We were having financial issues so my hubby was mad and didn't pay her support when son turned 18 (even though he had April/May and 2 weeks in June of high school left), but as I said, HE WAS LIVING WITH US 100% and had NO OVERNIGHT VISITS and minimal interaction with her. She gos BALLISTIC and takes hubby back to court - subpoenaing us for everything UNDER THE SUN! I'm not kidding, like 35 subpoenas. Now mind you, this is over only $5,000 - she had to have spent $25,000 in legal fees, We spent $11,000 - it was appalling, exhausting, and to me, the last straw. SHE LOST IN COURT and had to pay us back ALL THE CHILD SUPPORT FROM JANUARY TO JUNE. So what, we still had the legal bill of $11K. This woman collected over $550,000 in child support over 15 years and that is not including the $100k plus from in-laws and all the "extras". She lied in court yet again about her income (did this in divorce in 1997) she's a bitter scorned woman who just wont move on and get her own life that does not include my husbands family even after now being on her 3rd marriage and 18 years post divorce. She's had my hubby arrested, called police on us, my in-laws, had conflicts w/all family members, it's crazy. But they ALWAYS go back and talk to her and "are nice to this horrible, manipulative person". I could go on for hours - but I just don't have the energy.

After 3 years of ZERO contact w/this woman - my stepson wrecks the $45,000 Mercedes she and he "leased" together (that's another story, traded in the car we gave him $$$ to buy and "rents a car" and he then gets one one, but 2 DUI's. Now my mother in law is all buddy buddy with EX again, possibly over this "drama" that the step son created. He's an adult now, not our problem. He should go to jail and deal with it but his Mommy is bailing him out - for the first time in 18 years, she's actually paying for something.

I am incensed, we've had NO contact, she's remarried for 3rd time but CONTINUES to use my husbands last name to glom on to this family and we live in same community. She's sick and obsessed w/my husband and his family. But my mother in law is sick and apparently obsessed with her to.

There is so much more to my story and feelings - I am so mad at my mother in law, I want nothing to do with her, and yet I have been working with her now. She has no respect for my marriage, my daughter or her son. My husband says "he can't control what other people do" even though this has been causing US issues that his family has NO BOUNDARIES and even though he hated his ex and he DIVORCED HER WHEN THEY HAD A 3 YEAR OLD SON, means it was SERIOUS. No man leaves his child and wife unless he's miserable and so unhappy!!! This was not my fault, he made a mistake and married her even though he knew he didn't love her. Then a child was born out of that short marriage.

When will this shit end? How do I get my husband to understand my feelings and lack of RESPECT for our marriage and family? His ex is on marriage #3, this was My FIRST AND ONLY MARRIAGE.

Had I known how hard this would have been I am not so sure I would have married a divorced man. He doesn't protect my HEART or feelings and doesn't have the BALLS to confront his mother. (He was physically abused by both parents as a child). We did 2 1/2 years of marriage counseling due to his childhood abuse and it helped but now things are backsliding.

SO much baggage....

Anyone, please if you have had a similar situation, sound advice would be welcomed. My husband says "I am obsessed" w/the ex, but I'm not, I hate her f'n guts, and don't want her around my house - driving by to get their son, he's a 21 year old adult now. I want ZERO do w/her and I cannot understand why my hubby's Mother has no boundaries and disrespects my marriage. The umbilical cord was cut 3 years ago when child support stopped. This had to END!!


Justme54's picture

You are working with MIL? What is up with work for her or at the same company? Find a new job. I told understand you like to have DH put his mother in her place. What good would it do? Stop working with her...avoid her and consider the source. Sorry, this may not be the best advice. Toxic people do not change.

comotini's picture

Yes I'm a realtor too, but I'm independent. She has supposedly been teaching me until I can go off on my own, she's been advertising with us as a team although I have my own clients. I'm trying to distance myself but it's not that easy, she's supposed to be mentoring me. I'm going to confront her and if that doesn't resolve anything I'm out- gonna let hubby hang with his family while I will no longer participate. My brother in law and wife already have limited interaction and moved out of community we live.

notarelative's picture

A probate court would have no problem with her reverting to her previous name. Most people to not realize how easy it is to legally change your name. No lawyer needed. Go to the local probate court, fill out the form, pay the the fee, and tell the judge why you want to do it. Done.

DaizyDuke's picture

THIS^^^ This is the part I don't get. BM1 has been nothing but a thorn in DH side for 17 years. She has cost him thousands upon thousands of dollars, constant drama, stress etc. Yet, MIL CHOOSES to be BFFs with her. If someone treated MY son that way, you'd better believe they would have been written off EONS ago.

The one that really got me was when DH (who was being WAY too nice and got suckered into drama for the 126,456,786 time) was renting a house that he owned to BM1 (because she cried that she had no place to go, her BF was beating her and all kinds of other crap) This all came about like a month before DH and I met. Well it lasted about 6 months, before she stopped paying rent and it was a NIGHTMARE to get her out! 4 more months of no rent later, we were finally able to get her evicted, but between damages to the house, back rent etc. It cost DH almost $4,000. 00. One night we went to MILs to have her notarize the eviction notice. She actually stood there and said "Well, I don't know! I don't want BM1 to see my name and get mad at me" WTF??? After everything this woman has done to your SON, you are worried she might be "mad" at you??

DaizyDuke's picture

That's the even crazier thing about MIL... BM1 hasn't had SD16 since she was a baby... so it's not even like she could claim being worried about BM1 "withholding" SD???

with my MIL, I think it's because she is addicted to drama. Seriously SIL and I agree on this. It's like she LIVES for gossiping and spreading drama and of course BM1 and GBM1 ALWAYS have drama to share, so that's why MIL keeps them her BFFs so she can be right in the middle of it all. So stupid

DaizyDuke's picture

I totally understand! My MIL is all BFFs with BM1 and GBM1. It's sickening especially since BM1 and DH never even dated much less were married.. they were just a few nights fling 17 years ago. BM1 and GBM1 and train wrecks, don't work, always getting evicted because they never pay their bills, BM1 has 5 kids with 3 baby daddies and only has 1 kid with her. She's been arrested numerous times, been hotlined and FOUNDED numerous times, BM1 and GBM1 have put DH through HELL for the past 17 years with their nonsense, yet MIL still talks to them on a daily basis, gives BM1 rides, loans her money and Lord knows what else we don't even know about. I mean, here I am a good wife to her son, a good mom to our BS5 and MIL would rather chase after trash. It's like a slap in the face and it pisses me off.

However, I have learned to try and ignore it. I can't control MIL, she's going to do what she wants so whatever. I have just distanced myself immensely from her. No more friends on FB, no more taking BS5 to see her, no giving her pics of BS5, no more nothing. If she calls me (which is rarely, because she knows how I feel) I am cordial to her, but I will not go out of my way.